Thursday, December 18, 2014

Bees to the knees if you please, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ryan Seacrest broke up with his girlfriend, Shayna Taylor. They decided they wanted to pretend to date other people.

Ryan wants to focus on his career until he achieves his lifelong goal: having more jobs than Anderson Cooper. 

On “The View” Whoopi Goldberg and Rosie O’Donald got in a heated discussion on racism. Apparently Rosie thinks she knows more about being black than Whoopi does.

But in fairness, Rosie is a rich, white celebrity who barely finished high school, so it goes without saying she knows more about everything than anyone.

Happy 71st Birthday to Keith Richards. Mark my words: at the rate he is going, one day, Keith is going to look good for his age.

Since you asked:
For all the reasons there are to love Ellen Degeneres, those are the same reasons to dislike Rosie O'Donnell. Ellen never stopped being funny, she is nice to people on and off the camera, she is a staunch supporter of gay rights without being strident about it and she doesn't take herself way too seriously because she is a celebrity. 

Here is my question: Rosie O'Donnell was once a damn funny comedian. How did she stop being so funny so much? And if she isn't a comedian, what the hell is she? Besides famous? 

Paul Shaffer's Cher Impression - O Holy Night, 2008

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The Chicago Bears just announced they will replace their quarterback, Jay Cutler, with Jimmy Clausen. First he replaces Jay Leno and now Jay Cutler, the guy is everywhere.

If it turns out the Sony hacking was ordered by Kim Jong Un, we need to take this evil troll and Boyce him right in the Garrison. 

Hey, Sony, I am no technology expert, but here are a couple of tools you might want to consider using to cut down on the hacking problem.

The Hollywood press veritably screamed with righteous indignation over the NSA spying on us. But the second they get their hot, little hands on leaked private e-mails from Sony execs, they printed every juicy word. That is a level of hypocrisy which has no bounds.
We need to stop being self-righteous pussies about dealing with terrorists and cyber terrorists, i.e., hackers, and step our game the eff up. We did not ask for this fight, they brought it to us. In our homes and offices. 
This Sony hacking order had to come from Kim Jong Un and when we find out it did, we need to hose his little doughy-Mo-from-"The-Three-Stooges"-midget-looking ass the eff up, and we need to hose him Kim Jong Unbelievably. 
Right now I can picture some young Sony executive losing it:
"Texting, cell phones, emails, Twitter, Facebook, it can all be hacked. There is no way to communicate without the threat of being hacked."
Then an older Sony executive slowly raises his hand and says;
"Have you thought of mailing a letter?" 

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Donald Trump announced he is strongly considering running for president in 2016. He already has a slogan: “Tired of democrats? Comb-over to Trump.”

Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s latest “Taken 3.” By the third kidnapping, forget your specific set of skills, Liam, time to work on your people skills.

Indianapolis Colts QB, Andrew Luck, was recorded complimenting the players who sacked him. It is the opposite of trash talking. It is composting talking.

How bad was Jay Cutler in the Chicago Bears loss to New Orleans? Even the guys at the CIA, who paid two psychologists $80 mil. for torture techniques, think Cutler’s $100 million salary is ridiculous.

Since you asked
My 180 -degree change on Jay Cutler had nothing to do with his “I don’t wanna have to do this anymore” performance on the field.
The Bears P.R. department had set up a feel good tear-jerker that would make “Brian’s Song” look like “Blazing Saddles.” Sweet blonde kid, Sam, about age ten, diagnosed with a terminal heart illness, gets a dream day at the Bears practice field thanks to the Make a Wish foundation.
They sign him to a one-day contract, he holds a press conference. He is wearing a damn Cutler jersey #6. He says Cutler is his favorite player.
There the kid and his family is, waiting for the players to walk off the practice field. The kid is clutching a little white football made for autographs. Get the hankies ready folks, here comes the great Jay Cutler, his idol.
Cutler picks up the ball, signs it, says a few words, takes a picture where he manages to force a smile and walks away.  No hair-messing. No hugs. Certainly no brief game of catch. All of which would have cost Cutler nothing but would have meant the world to this dying kid, his family and the Bears. Cutler was not mean or rude. Just civil. 

The best word to use to describe Cutler with Sam was underwhelming. A word which has been used a lot around Cutler lately.

Seeing this almost-shine-off by Cutler, the other Bears try to make up for Cutler and fall all over the kid and give him gloves, sign his jersey, goof around with him. They gave him autographed towels, jerseys, gloves. 

Word of Cutler’s cursory behavior got back to the Bears who sent someone back outside with a pair of Cutlers’s autographed cleats. And Cutler's autographed Gatorade bottle.

But it wasn’t Cutler who did it.

Nobody is saying Cutler should have gone all Bozo the Clown on Sam, that isn't in him. But a modicum of effort would have been nice. One toss so the kid could say he caught a pass from Jay Cutler.

Some might say this was Jay Cutler being himself, Jay is not a phony. 

But I know what I saw, and if that is Jay Cutler being himself, than his "himself" is a real douche. 

Monday, December 15, 2014

The Sydney gunman, Man Haron Monis, a well-known Islamic extremist, was on bail for the stabbing/burning murder of his ex-wife and was charged with 40 counts of sexual harassment. Or as our Secret Service calls that: No red flags there.