Saturday, December 10, 2016

Chicago Bear great Dick Butkus just turned 74. And the age 74 just got the crap knocked out of it. 

Friday, December 09, 2016

If Ezekiel Elliott goes to prison for one of his five domestic
violence charges, will he make the "Feed Me" gesture at
the prison cafeteria?

You gossah-do the gossah-do, Torn Slatterns
and Nugget Ranchers

Donald Trump has named a Hardee’s and Carl's Jr. fast food executive, Andrew Puzder, as the labor secretary. Because Washington needs more bureaucrats with the word Pud in their name. 

United Airlines is going to start charging for using overhead bins. Or as United now calls overhead bins: Convenient Head-level Elevated Access Trunks. Or CHEATS for short. 

Thursday, December 08, 2016

That 6.5 earthquake off Northern California was pretty strong. It actually shook a Prius with a Bernie Sanders sticker into the parking lot of a Trump hotel. 

A new dating app sets up travelers on planes to hook-up for the mile high club. It does not work for Spirit Airlines travelers because they’re already screwed.

Chris Christie only has a 19% approval rating in New Jersey. Olive Garden has a higher rating with real Italians. 

The most popular baby names of 2016 were Emma and Noah. The least popular? Cleveland and Browns. 

Donald Trump has named Dr. Ben Carson as the Sec. of HUD. And, no, HUD does not stand for  Half Unconscious Doctor. 

Donald Trump has named Dr. Ben Carson the Sec. of HUD. And here I thought Dr. Ben would be named Sec. All Star of the Mannequin Challenge. 

The New York Jets were destroyed on “MNF” by the Indianapolis Colts 41-10. The Jets looked so awful, they may have to change their name to Spirit Airlines. 

Donald Trump has named Dr. Ben Carson as the Sec. of HUD. Carson will be the first ever secretary of HUD who, when he claimed in his memoir to be a failed murderer, was called a liar. 

“Last Tango In Paris,” director, Bernardo Bertolucci, claims Marlon Brando sexually assaulted his co-star, Maria Schneider, with a stick of butter. Worse yet, it was “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.”

Announcer Joe Buck admitted he once called a Brett Favre-Shannon Sharpe touchdown while peeing in a trash can. You could tell by the play-by-play: “Favre pops out of the hole, releases and Sharpe shakes loose and squirts in for the score.”

Monday, December 05, 2016

Prior to Carolina’s 40-7 trouncing by the Seattle Seahawks, Panther’s QB, Cam Newton was benched for one play for not wearing a tie. Not having a tie, however, did not keep Cam from choking. 

Prior to Carolina’s 40-7 trouncing by the Seattle Seahawks, Panther’s QB, Cam Newton was benched for one play for not wearing a tie. $103 mil. doesn’t buy as much neckwear as it used to.

In San Francisco’s 26-6 trouncing by the Chicago Bears, Forty Niner QB, Colin Kaepernick, was benched after throwing 1 for 5 for four yards in over three quarters in the snow. The last time someone did that badly in the snow against a bear was Leonardo DiCaprio in “The Revenant.”  

Sunday, December 04, 2016

Bud light - Horse Fart

A year ago in St. Louis a man named Bud Weisser was arrested for trespassing in the Budweiser brewery. And this year you’ll never guess where they found a man named C. Alice. 

Happy National Cookie Day. Because we need a National Cookie Day like the Cleveland Browns need a National Suck at Football Day.

Emma Morano turned 117 in Italy last week. Only human in history who was alive for two Chicago Cubs World Series wins. Asked to comment, Emma said, “Donald Trump won what?” 

The inventor of General Tso’s Chicken, Peng Chang-kuei, died at 98. First the inventor of the Big Mac died, now the inventor of General Tso’s Chicken. The inventor of Hot Pockets better watch his ass.

A Harvard psychologist claims dogs dream about their humans almost all of the time. And cats dream about what their humans will taste like when they're dead.