Friday, December 07, 2007

This just in:
Rapper Pimp C was nominated for a Grammy just two days after they found his dead body. Do not confuse this with K-Fed, he would be nominated over Grammy’s dead body.
Welcome the “Addled With Fever” addition of A.l.B.b., Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bagels for Ramadan?

A luxury Deli in New York, Balducci’s, advertised a special on Ham for Hanukkah. What’s next? Wonder Bread and Mayo for Kwanza?

It could happen
Barry Bonds has pleaded not guilty to charges of lying to federal investigators about his steroid use; do you realize what this means? If Bonds keeps lying about lying about steroids, his nose could grow so big it could actually fit his head.

Online names
The new Atlanta WNBA team announced online voting will help determine the team name. Unfortunately the leading online suggestions are the “Who Gives a Rat’s Ass?” The “There’s still a WNBA?” And the leading online suggestion for the new Atlanta WNBA team: “The Limo Exiting Britneys.”

Arkansas State’s leading scorer, Adrian Banks, was suspended by his coach, Dickey Nutt, for Banks arrest for firing off a gun in the wee hours of Sunday morning. Banks claims he found the gun in a nightclub after a fight broke out and he shot all the bullets into the air so nobody would get shot. Isn’t that amazing? Can you believe that? The coach’s name is Dickey Nutt. Wasn’t Johnson Ball available? Was Peter Gonad booked?

Since you asked:
My buddy, Mark O'Snake, pulled out a great reference when we were playing golfers a couple of weekends ago. He was tidying up carefully around the hole preparing for a putt when he said;

"There is actually a reason I am doing this, I'm not just adjusting the dish towels."

Can you name that awesome O.C.D. reference? You got it. "Sleeping with the Enemy."


(Polite applause)

Addled Since You Ask:
Since you asked:
It may be true that I am a little hinkie with the fever, but I am proud to say that I am a gamer. Just because others lose their perspective and judgment when illness compromises their thought process, and they would probably be better off not trying to make sense in any kind of public forum, even a pathetic blog, I think that is taking the chicken way out.

In addition, I also think that purple velvet monkeys make good Chanukah gifts. And while we are on the subject, could the Hannakuh police please get your act together and come up with a definitive way to spell Chahnakkuah? What are we all supposed to take a damn Learning Annex class on Hebrew so we can figure out how to spell it? Huh? Are we?

And why are these silver spiders crawling up and down my skin counterclockwise? Is the radiation from my brain making their migration pattern reversed? And for the love of god, why did Sarah Rogan give Andy Parker a Valentines Day card in Sixth grade, but not me? Just because his mom feels guilty about being divorced so she lets him grow his hair long, and my mother makes me keep my hair so short that when I sleep on my side, I come to school with these little side hair wings sticking out, does that mean Sarah can hurt my feelings? Huh? Does it?

Mommy. Mommy, where is Morgie? I want my stuffed doggie Morgan! You didn’t wash him again, did you? That’s how he lost his eye before, remember?

And that, Slats and Nuggies, is how we play “Lex really is addled with fever.”

(Polite applesauce)

It was a tough choice, because there were so many, but here is the line of the week from "30 Rock."

Jack Donaghy: “Liz, that woman you met in my office this morning wasn’t a colleague. We are lovers.”

Liz Lemon: “Ew, that word bums me out if it’s not between meat and pizza.”

Or maybe it was:

Jack Donaghy: "No, I like it when a woman has ambition. It's like seeing a dog wearing clothes."

Thursday, December 06, 2007

This just in:
New Jersey is preparing to scrap the death penalty next week.

It makes sense, they’ve been outsourcing the death penalty to the private sector for years.
Oh, I got the fever, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Such a wave you shouldn't believe

All along the Southern California coast, the waves are huge getting up to 20 feet high.

In Malibu the waves were so huge they washed Mel Gibson inside a Temple.

“24” times 48
“24” star Keifer Sutherland is going to jail for 48 days for drunk driving.

This after Kiefer’s attorneys failed in their attempt to legally change his name to Lindsay Lohan or Nicole Richey.

That would do it
Despite evidence that their nuclear development isn’t a threat, President Bush reiterated his belief that Iran is a threat.

Iran is a threat? Really? All we have to do to stop Iran is start a rumor that Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinijad named his teddy bear Mohammad.

Since you asked:
In terms of my paddle boarding, I guess now is a good time to be sick. The waves are huge and I couldn’t go out there anyway.

Being sick is like your body starts a little party in your nose and then the head says, hey, let me in on this. Then your throat joins in and, before you know it, all your muscles are singing along in constant ache, your skin is chilled and yet, somehow, your sweat glands say, yeah, I want to play too. Finally the chest joins in big time and you think, well, that’s everyone.

And then the digestive system says: “Are you kidding me? You ignore me? Well, I’ll show you.”

And now it is a party.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Snap it, rap it and tap it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Rapper Pimp C was found dead in a posh LA Hotel room at the age of 33, but the coroners office said it appears Pimp C died of natural causes.

Of course, for a rapper named Pimp C, natural causes includes anything less than nine bullets.

What’s in a name?
The San Diego Chargers face the Tennessee Titans this Sunday.

Many teams nicknames are abbreviations of their name, like the Green Bay Packers are the Pack, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are the Bucs, And so, the Tennessee Titans would be the, well, maybe not.

That explains it
Today is the first day of Hanukah.

For Jews, Chanukah is an eight day festival of lights. Why eight days? Because that’s how long it takes to figure out the right way to spell Hanukkah.

We kid and love the TPATH
The NFL announced that the Super Bowl halftime performer will be Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

Now, I don’t want to imply that they are getting old, but now Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are called Tom Petty and the Lipitor-takers.

Am I worried there could be a halftime wardrobe malfunction with the older Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers? Depends.

Sounds about right
Happy One-Year birthday to Knut, the adorable polar bear cub in Germany.

Knut celebrated his birthday in the usual new celebrity way, he went out clubbing and then dodged the paparazzi when they asked him questions about his relationship with Paris Hilton.

False advertising
The NFL Network is advertising their Thursday game between the Chicago Bears and the Washington Redskins as “The Run to the Playoffs.”

Both teams are 5-7. They have about as much chance to run to the playoffs as Bill Clinton does to run for Husband-of-the- Year.

Since you asked:
You know what I love about being sick? No, really, I am asking, do you know what I like about being sick?

But, seriously, being sick is a lot like having to put on a wool suit and tie and attend a stuffy function you really don’t want to go to. You are absolutely and utterly miserable, you don’t think it is ever going to end, but when it is over, you are so much happier and feel so much better by comparison.

Goodbye Madison
We got some sad news today about our good friend’s, Mark and Tracy O’Snake’s adorable old Black Labrador, Madison. Maddy went to doggie heaven today at the ripe old age of 14. It makes me feel better to know that this is what Madison’s heaven entrance interview probably went like:

Doggy St. Peter:
“Well, well, Madison, I see you lived a long life. Welcome to doggy heaven. We just want to ask you a few questions about your time on earth with your humans, if you don’t mind.”

“Sure, go ahead.”

Doggy St. Peter:
“Well, did your humans treat you well? For example, how often did they hit you?”

“Excuse me, I don’t understand the question.”

Doggy St. Peter:
“Well, it's just a formality really, we want to know how well humans treated their dogs so we know whether to give them a good dog again. And, if they were really mean to their dogs, we get god involved and, well, it isn't pretty. He loves dogs. So, did they hit you often?”

“Hit me? Are you kidding? They never hit me once.”

Doggy St. Peter:
“Oh come on, not even a rolled up newspaper on the snout?”

“Not even close.”

Doggy St. Peter;
“Well, good for you. OK, what was the longest you ever had to go hungry? Four days? Five?”

“Again, I’m not really sure I follow.”

Doggy St. Peter:
“You know, that pain in your stomach from not having any food, what’s the longest that lasted? Did it ever last four days, five days? A whole week? Don't feel bad, some dogs have gone a couple weeks.”

“Oh, you mean that tingly little pang I got in my stomach before I ate?”

Doggy St. Peter:

“About ten minutes right before dinner. Once I think it lasted a whole half-an-hour.”

Doggy St. Peter:
“Amazing. Again, good for you. OK, shifting gears, how old were you when you were taken away from your mother? Eight weeks old? Ten weeks old?”

“Oh, no, I lived with my Mother, Chelsea, right up until she passed. She got to be old also."

Doggy St. Peter:
“You got to live with your mother her whole life?”

“Yes, we were very close. I’m looking forward to seeing her up here.”

Doggy St. Peter:
“This is, this is amazing. You hit the doggy lottery as we like to say. So where did they make you sleep? Outside in the cold? In the garage? In a crate? I hear those crates are nice once you’re used to them.”

“No, we slept on the bed.”

Doggy St. Peter;
“Oh, you had your own doggie bed, well, my, my, that is quite the posh . . .”

“No, on the bed with the humans. In the human bed.”

Doggy St. Peter:
(For a long time Doggy St. Peter just stares with his mouth open)
“Really? In the bed? With the humans in it?”

“Yeah, well, not under the blankets. OK, a few times under the blankets, but only if it got really cold. But we lived in California, so it didn't get really cold."

Doggy St. Peter
"Amazing. Right then. Last we are at cuddling and playing with you. Would you say they cuddled and played with you, A, all the time, B, a lot, C, a little, or, D, not at all?"

"Hmm. I guess I have to go with, B, a lot."

Doggy St. Peter
Really? I'm shocked. Not, A, all the time? Well, for a while there I thought we had the most perfect dog owners who ever lived."

"No, not all the time. I mean, they didn't cuddle and play with us when we were sleeping or eating."

Doggie St. Peter:
“Wow. OK, that should do it. Normally now is when I would tell you about how, now that you are in heaven, doggy paradise, all of your problems on Earth are now over. But I think, in your case, this is going to be pretty much a lateral move.”

As Doggy St. Peter escorts Madison out, Madison flies off in her newly appointed white gown, doggy halo and wings, eerily reminiscent of the O’Connor’s Christmas Tree Angel. As she disappears into the clouds, Doggie St. Peter whips out his cell phone and speed-dials god)

“Yo, big guy, DSP here. Listen, thanks for this plush heavens gate gig and all, but I quit. Yeah. I want to go back as a puppy, asap. Specifically a black lab puppy to Tracy, Mark, Sean, Charlotte and Riley O’Connor. Yeah. What? The waiting list is how long? Really? The best of the best of the best? Oh, forget it.”

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

This just in:
The NFL announced that the Super Bowl halftime performer will be Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Now don’t confuse Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers with the winning quarterback in that Super Bowl, Tom Brady the Baby Maker.
This just in:
The New York Daily News has released its “50 Dumbest People in Hollywood” list with Lindsay Lohan topping the list. Britney Spears demanded a recount.

Paris Hilton would have been on the list but she totally messed-up her application.
We might just chuck a sickie today, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Quite a year for Favre

Brett Favre has been named “Sports Illustrated” sportsman-of-the-year; it is quite an honor for Favre, even better than when he was named A.A.R.P’s sportsman-of-the-year.

Party Poper
The Pope, is purging all modern music from the Vatican. The Pope is especially adamant that the priests give up their two favorite bands Boyz II Men and the Backstreet Boys.

Who knew?
In an incredibly moving and classy tribute to their fallen teammate, Sean Taylor, the Washington Redskins lined up on defense against the Buffalo Bills with only ten players instead of the normal 11. It was a little embarrassing when Miami Dolphin coach Cam Cameron then asked; “Since when can you play 11?”

Yesterday, all her panties seemed so far away
In the middle of her nasty divorce with Sir Paul McCartney, more explicit photos of Heather Mills have emerged. Let’s just say that, when it comes to betting on American football, Heather took the Eagles and the spread.

After bitterly condemning the press for falsely labeling her a porno queen, more explicit photos of “Dancing with the Stars” Heather Mills have, shall we say, opened up? How open? If Heather’s legs were spread any wider we could’ve read her mind.

Who could have guessed that Heather would make Yoko the nice Beatle wife?

The right to write
The talks in the writers strike resumed today so late night talk shows could also resume soon. Attention Presidential candidates, you may only have a couple of days to get away with doing something really stupid.

What are the odds?
Eight guys have come forward to say they have had sex with Idaho Senator Larry Craig in various public men’s bathrooms. Wow, what are the chances that Craig would have sex with the only other eight non-gay-men-who-have-sex-with-men in the entire world?

Now those are big waves
Southern California is experiencing sets of huge waves. In Malibu the waves were so big they knocked a pair of panties on *Britney Spears.

Since you asked:
I’m getting a nasty cold. My head feels like a casaba melon pumped up with helium. And my hair hurts.

But the cool thing about a low grade fever? Great dreams. Wow, I dreamed that I was in a fire fight with al Qaeda and, in all modesty, we kicked their ass. The big question was what was al Qaeda doing attacking the bars and restaurants along State Street in Santa Barbara? And why was I fighting along side Don Henley and my sixth grade gym teacher, Mr. Anderson? Doesn’t matter, we fought them back.

As a neophyte stand up paddleboard surfer, I have to admit it is a little humbling having waves so big I can’t even think about going out in them. But then I have no problem bypassing double black diamond runs when snowboarding, so why should this be any different? Besides, going into 62 degree water still filthy from the storm with a slight fever may not be the smartest thing to do.

Greatest line of the week: Young, hot, vapid Ceerie (Katrina Bowdin) of “30 Rock” tells 37-year-old Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) that she saw her at the hot art gallery night club.

“What were you doing at Le Chic, Liz? This isn’t like the time we found Grandpa at the bus station, is it?”

Or Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan)

"Jack, these kids are from Knuckle Beach where orange soda is considered an acceptable substitute for breast milk."

*Re: Britney Spears. In the history of celebrity pop culture, has anyone ever gone from so hot to so not faster? Kirsty Alley and Sally Struthers took years and years to do it. Britney's junk went bad in record time. Another nude picture of Britney laying out by a pool emerged on the Internet and all you can say is "Ewww."

I am not lying, Britney looked like Elmer Fudd with a scrunchy.

Monday, December 03, 2007

We gonna take that one to the house, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A new study confirms that exercise increases the production of neurons in the brain making people smarter. Can you imagine if Paris Hilton didn’t work out every day?

A New York City restaurant offers a lobster and caviar pizza for $1,000. It’s not as outrageous as it sounds, the pizza comes with a “I’m an incredibly selfish jerk with too much money” t-shirt.

Am I the only one who is an utter sap for those awesome “Leave Nothing” Nike commercials that feature the San Diego Charger’s Shawn Merriman tackling and St. Louis Rams Steven Jackson running to the stirring music from “Last of the Mohicans”? The commercial did scare the hell out of my wife, when I leapt from the couch screaming; “Stay alive, I will find you.”

Heather hits new lows and widths
Wow, is Heather Mills easy to hate or what? In the middle of one of the ugliest divorce settlements ever due to her insane greediness, Heather issues a statement on how much she despises rich people, but she just used them to raise money for charity.

Meanwhile, after bitterly chastising the press for lying about labeling her a porn star, pictures of Heather have, shall we say, opened up? No lie, it was if somebody was trying to make a wish. If Heather had spread her legs anymore we could have read her mind. Seriously, the only thing missing are the gyno’s stirrups.

Two sticks and a chain?
How about the extended time out during the Chargers-Chiefs game because the first down chain was broken? We have Global Positioning System that can track any inch on our 196 million square mile earth in a split second, and the NFL is using two sticks and a chain to measure first downs? That’s like replacing your iPhone with two tin cans and a string. Why not replace the scoreboard with an Abacas?

“We cannot give you the score of the Chicago Bears, Denver Bronco game due to technical difficulties, the homing pigeon carrying the score was killed by a hawk.”

Put MRI’s in every training room, use satellites to send signals to the quarterback’s helmet speaker, shoot the game in digital Hi Def, but whatever you do, do not put a single stinking computer chip in the football to measure a freaking first down.
The problem with the Ohio State-L.S.U. championship game is there is no existing rivalry.

For a rivalry to exist there must be three things, a, a genuine history and, B, they have to be geographically close, and C there must be a true hatred.

So where does the hatred come from? The differences and or the similarities. For example, Northwester is a much tougher academic school than fellow Big Ten rival Ohio State, but Ohio State dominates Northwestern in football. So what do the Northwestern fans shout while being trounced by Ohio State 45-0?

“That’s OK, there’s no harm, one day we will own your farm.”

Take, for example, USC versus U.C.L.A. Both are famous quality colleges in the Los Angeles area but bitter rivals. So why all the hatred?

USC is a private school and its tuition is more expensive than UCLA but with a less stringent entrance requirement than UCLA. And because a higher percentage of USC student live on the campus, there are more sororities and fraternities so USC has more of a reputation for partying.

UCLA is a state-funded university with much tougher entrance requirements than USC so it is harder to get in to but less expensive if you do. And many UCLA students still live at home and commute to UCLA rather than live on campus.

As a result, USC sees UCLA students as boring broke-ass nerds and UCLA sees USC as a bunch of stupid spoiled rich drunk frat boys and sorority girls.

UCLA then will contradict USC's image of them by saying that, even though they are, in fact, smarter than USC, they have won more division one NCAA titles than anyone including USC.

USC will say they don’t care about women’s water polo and men’s tennis doubles, the most important thing is that their main programs, like football, are far superior to UCLA. And, as for being not as smart, allegedly, USC will site their much-wealthier-on-average alumni.

To which UCLA will reply that their basketball program dominates USC and the only reason the USC has a wealthier alumni is that everybody just goes to work for Daddy’s company while UCLA alums go out and succeed on their own in the real world.

To which the USC fan will reply, fine, I will go work for Daddy and be rich and play golf all day, have fun working in my Daddy’s computer division, you boring home-living UCLA dorks.

To which the UCLA fan will reply, fine, you beer and Polo cologne-drenched little Nancy-frat-boys with the little gay cashmere scarlet-red sweater tied around your neck, at least we learned something during college. All you learned in college was that we UCLA students were all doing your easy USC sorority girls while you USC alcoholics were passed out drunk.

To which USC will reply, our sweaters are gay? Our sweaters are gay? UCLA actually admits its colors are yellow and baby blue. It is no accident that yellow and baby blue rhymes with “fellows who I bl*w.”

To which UCLA will reply, you moron, its fellows whom I bl*w, not who I bl*w, you uneducated idiot. At least we aren’t named the Trojans, a contraceptive that pops when used by the pool cleaner, which is how all of you were born in the first place.

To which USC will reply, ha, so you admit you bl*w somebody. And at least we have a pool, the closest you will have is a car pool.

To which UCLA will reply, no, you stupid dumb ass, I didn't admit I bl*w anybody, I was just correcting your syntax, but you are so stupid you think a syntax is what we had to pay after doing your sorority girls while wearing one of you, a Trojan.

I could go on but it gets a little ugly.

Now don’t get me started with Oregon State and USC.

That pits the Trojans against the Beavers.