It is hard out here

It don’t mean a thing-a-ling if it don’t got that sting-a-ling, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.


Oh goody
The NFL Pro Bowl will be aired on Saturday at 3:00 pm PT on CBS. “Man, I can hardly wait to watch the pro bowl” said nobody in their right mind.

If you are keeping score
There is a video clip circulating the Internet that shows Paris Hilton saying vulgar racial and anti-gay slurs. So now Paris’s mouth is the second thing on her that needs to be washed out with soap.

There is a video clip circulating the Internet that shows Paris Hilton saying vulgar racial and anti-gay slurs. You know what that means? Paris has to go into skank rehab.

Do the math
This year the Disney World commercial after the Super Bowl features Indianapolis coach Tony Dungy and running back Dominic Rhodes saying “I’m going to Disney World.” For those keeping score this now brings the total number of commercials without Peyton Manning to one.

How cold is it?
It is so cold in the Midwest that Chicagoans are shaking like Rex Grossman watching Super Bowl clips.

Not good
The reviews for the commercials for Super Bowl 41 were not good; you know it wasn’t going well for the commercials when anything with Kevin Federline in it is considered one of the best.

Alpha bet trade
A NASA astronaut, Lisa Nowak, is in jail on charges of attempted kidnapping attempted vehicle burglary with battery, destruction of evidence and battery. If found guilty, Nowak will be released from NASA to the NBA.

A NASA astronaut, Lisa Nowak, is in jail for attempted kidnapping. In a hurry to confront her victim, Nowak wore – and used – an adult diaper so she wouldn’t have to stop on a 950 mile drive. The crime was motivated by jealously proving that hell hath no fury like a woman soiled.


Not since then
A NASA astronaut, Lisa Nowak, is in jail for attempted murder. In a hurry to confront her victim, Nowak used an adult diaper so she wouldn’t have to stop on a long drive. So this makes Nowak the first person to be charged with murder who wore an adult diaper since, well, Phil Specter.  

Pahhhh jwhore ahhhhhh teeeeeeve ruhhhhh maaaahhhks
Ca. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble because an audio tape caught him making pejorative remarks about republicans. Even though there is no possible way Arnold could ever hope to pronounce: pejorative remarks about republicans.  

Since you asked:

Anna Nicole Smith 1967-2007

As a topical joke writer, I wrote more than my share of Anna Nicole Smith jokes. But it was never done with the sheer glee that comes with nailing that stupid selfish mean nasty bimbo skank Paris Hilton. There was something tragic and sad about Anna Nicole Smith. She was the white trash Marilyn Monroe.

Yes, she went along for the ride on her own free will. But you got the feeling Anna Nicole Smith never really understood what was going on. At 30 or so she marries a dying 90-year-old billionaire and she was genuinely hurt when talk show hosts made gold digger jokes.

So if anyone still thinks the desperate pursuit of wealth and fame will result in a long, full and happy life, all you have to do is look at the short, shallow and miserably unhappy life of Anna Nicole Smith.

It seems to me you lived your life like strawberry incense in the wind.

It is hard out here

It is hard out here

Since you asked:

A NASA astronaut, Lisa Nowak, is in jail for attempted murder and she wore an adult diaper so she wouldn’t have to stop on a 900-mile drive to get to her victim. One of the disturbing facts to emerge from this is that, during the violence of takeoff and reentry, Astronauts do lose control of their bodily functions and wear adult diapers. So, for the first time since the Sixties, there is now an entire generation of kids who do not want to grow up to be astronauts.

“Nah, I’ll work for the IRS, at least they don’t have to wear diapers.  

Now it is time for a new feature here at a.LBB called

Lex’s Valentines Day Cards.

It is well documented by no less of a psychological authority than Dr. Phil that Valentines Day is a nightmare for men everywhere. If you get her chocolate she is mad because she is on a diet, if you don’t get her chocolate she thinks you think she is too fat. It goes on and on.

It is also well documented that Valentines Day was the demonic invention of a greeting card minion as a conspiracy to bolster the slack after Christmas cards and before Easter card sales.

Having acknowledged all of this, here are my ideas for some new and different Valentines Day cards:


Outside of card: You are the only woman in the world for me

Inside: Unless Angelina Jolie decides to throw me a shot


Outside of card: I would do anything in the world for you

Inside: Except drive 900 miles in a diaper


Outside of card: I am addicted to your love

Inside: So I am checking into a rehab facility at the Playboy Mansion


Outside of card: If you ever left me I would be lost

Inside: Your car is the only one with the Global Positioning System


Outside of card: Stay with me until the end of time

Inside: What with global warming and the threat of nuclear attack is about another month


Outside of card: Our love is real

Inside card: As opposed to Star Jones and Al Reynolds, Oprah and Steadman and Tom and Katie.


Outside of card: My love for you cannot wait

Inside: I took the Viagra over an hour ago

And that, Slats and Nuggies, is how we play Lex’s Valentines Day cards.

(Polite applause)

It is hard out here

How do it know that it got to go, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Only the lonely
Maytag recalled 2.3 million dish washing machines. Now the Maytag repairman isn’t the loneliest guy on earth, Chicago Bear QB Rex Grossman is.

Who knew?
The Indianapolis Colts defeated the Chicago Bears 29-17 in a brutal game for Bear quarterback, Rex “His Super Bowl was really” Grossman. Who would have guessed that, at the end of the day, Oprah would have had a better Super Bowl than Grossman.

Not good
The Indianapolis Colts defeated the Chicago Bears 29-17 in a brutal game for Bear quarterback, Rex “His Super Bowl was really” Grossman. How bad was it? At the end of the day, Kevin Federline’s commercial had a higher quarterback rating than Grossman.

It makes you think
Billy Joel sang the national anthem at Super Bowl 41. It was very dramatic, it made think of our troops in Iraq, the first ever two black head coaches in the Super Bowl, but most importantly, it made me think: how on earth did Billy Joel ever tap and marry Christie Brinkley?  

Not since then
The Indianapolis Colts defeated the Chicago Bears 29-17 in a pouring rain that produced a lot of fumbles. In fact, there were more balls dropped than at a Hillary Duff concert.

Shoots and scores
The Indianapolis Colts defeated the Chicago Bears 29-17.  The Bears David Hester returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown in the first 14 seconds. This was the fastest score at any Super Bowl if you don’t count when Tom Brady attended the Victoria Secret party.

We kid the Cubbies
The Indianapolis Colts defeated the Chicago Bears 29-17 in a brutal game for Bear quarterback, Rex Grossman. Grossman dropped so many balls he was named an honorary Chicago Cub.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
It was a little awkward, when asked what he thought about the Super Bowl, President Bush said “I thought it was a good game but where was the bowling that was supposed to be so super?”

What is that guy doing there?
Super Bowl 41 was exciting. Here is my question: why was the national anthem sung by Mr. French from “Family Affair?”

Skankapooloza
In his book, portly porn star Ron Jeremy revealed that Paris Hilton asked to see his asset and she did but only after she agreed to flash Jeremy her breasts. The good news is while those two were busy with their show and tell, the rate of sexually transmitted diseases plummeted.  


Mel, Mel, Mel
The Indianapolis Colts defeated the Chicago Bears 29-17 in a brutal game for Bear quarterback, Rex Grossman. If that wasn’t ugly enough, today Mel Gibson blamed the Bear loss on the fact that Grossman is a Jew.  


We kid the Windy City
In the Super Bowl, the Indianapolis Colts defeated the Chicago Bears 29-17 just when Chicago got hammered with a brutal cold snap. The good news for Chicagoans? Frostbite takes your mind off of your hangover and the Cubs have not yet been mathematically eliminated for 2007.

It is hard out here

Hollyweird
Can you believe the details in the arrest of Ryan O’Neal? Ryan shot at his own son, Griffin, because Griffin had locked up his PCP drugged-out younger brother, Redmond, in a dog cage.

Think about this the next time you hear a Hollywood big shot tell you how to vote.

Let’s see if I have this straight, so to speak:

First, “Grey’s Anatomy” star Isaiah Washington says gay slurs and goes to rehab to learn to like gays, Rev Ted Haggert goes to rehab after admitting having gay sex with a male prostitute and now he says he is no longer gay, and San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom goes to rehab for having straight sex even though everyone thought he was gay.

Yes, folks, this is why other countries despise us so damn much. Let’s send them all over to Ryan O’Neal’s Malibu mansion.

It is hard out here

What was so super about it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Add singing to the list of things Hillary can’t do
A tone-deaf Hillary Clinton was caught on an open microphone butchering the National Anthem during a visit to Iowa. The good news is it sparked a new campaign slogan: “Vote for Hillary or she will sing.”

How bad was it? Yoko Ono was howling.

Bill Clinton’s former campaign manager, Dick Morris, said he thinks Hillary Clinton will be elected President but that she will go on to become the worst president in history. That is ridiculous. Everyone knows who is the worst president in history: Dick Cheney.

Only the lonely
Maytag recalled 2.3  million dish washing machines. Now the Maytag repairman isn’t the loneliest guy on earth, Rex Grossman is.


Islamic groups continue to protest depictions of Muslims as terrorists on Fox’s “24” In fact, the Islamic group are so angry at the portrayal of Muslims as terrorists that they, quote; “Plan to blow up that wretched infidel Kiefer Sutherland.”  

It is hard out here

Congrats to the Chicago Bears for a good season and an entertaining ¾ of a Super Bowl, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Lord knows I loves me some Eagles
The Eagles are coming out with their first album since 1979’s “The Long Run.” You can tell the Eagles are getting older. This album is called “The Long Run to The Bathroom.”

The Eagles are coming out with their first album since 1979’s “The Long Run.” You can tell the Eagles are getting older. Their newest song is “Take It Easy But You Punks Get Off My Lawn.”

The Eagles are coming out with their first album since the 1979’s “Long Run.” You can tell the
Eagles and their fans are getting up there. What kind of underwear are the ladies throwing on the Eagles stage now? Depends.

The Eagles are coming out with their first album since 1979’s “The Long Run.” You can tell the Eagles are getting older. Their newest song is “Peaceful Easy Bowl Movement.”

Good idea?
France has banned smoking in public places. Is that a good idea? Cigarette smoke was the only thing that was masking their body odor.

Or something like that
Several Republican websites have been spreading the rumor that Senator Barack Obama is a Muslim. Barack is not Muslim although I thought I heard Hillary call him a Shiite head.

Pay up, W
In a speech, President Bush said that the salaries and bonuses of CEOs should be based on what kind of a job they are doing. The good news for Bush is that economists agreed. The bad news for Bush is that he now owes us $200 million dollars.

A tall order
Courtney Love says the producers of American Idol have asked her to appear on the show as a guest judge. Apparently they wanted someone who is so messed up they could actually make Paula Abdul look normal.


Not that
To give you an idea how boring it has been before the Super Bowl, the writers are so bored and desperate that one reporter actually asked John Madden to talk about Brett Favre.

Blast masters
Pick up a paper and its Senator John McCain blasts Gen. Casey and the ex-Miss USA Susie Castillo is blasting Miss USA Tara Conner and Jesse Jackson is blasting Senator Joe Biden. You know it’s bad when the only person who isn’t blasting somebody is Rosie O’Donnell.

Since you asked:
Before you start eyeing the idea of getting weighted down by Guido and jumping in to Lake Michigan, us Chicago Bears fans should remember it was a great season. No, the Super Bowl did not end well for Rex Grossman but that was the guy’s first full season in the NFL.

Dan Marino didn’t do so great at his first Super Bowl. Not nearly as bad as Rex, but not great. Peyton will now deservedly lose the Dan Marino/Dan Fouts monkey-on-the-back of great stats, but couldn't win the big one. Manning deserves to be considered one of the best of all time. I still say he is a whiner and a crybaby.

The Bears will get back Mike Brown and Tommy Harris and they could make it back to the SB next year under the calming guide of the Lovester.

Look at the bright side, the Bears are the NFC champs and the Cubs have not yet been mathematically eliminated for ’07.

You really do have to feel horrible for Rex Grossman. Would he want to take back about six plays? You bet. But the guy led an injured team into the Super Bowl in his first full season. He looked shattered at that press conference and the fans and the press are going to be brutal.

But to say that one guy out of five lost an entire basketball game is a stretch. Even more of a stretch in baseball where 20 guys can play. But in a football game where over 40 guys are playing, you can't blame it on one guy. As much as we would like to right now, you can't.

The Bears had a great season and they did it with Grossman at QB. Give the guy another chance.

For those screaming for the head of Rex, did he make bad passes? You bet, but under pressure. That is on his O-line. Did Thomas Jones break off a big one? Did the D intercept one for a touchdown?

Oh, and how about the fumble where Rex dove head first into the pile to get it? The same fumble a couple of minutes ago by Peyton left Manning standing there as if he was saying;

"I'll be here if you need me, you guys are good at that whole diving for a fumble thang, that's not money boy's shtick, if you catch my drift."

No doubt, Rex picked a really bad game to have a really bad game and he has had a few others. But don't put all the blame on Rex.

Yes, the Bears lost a Super Bowl more than Indianapolis won it. But did anyone die? Are the Old Styles still tasty and cold? Does Chicago still have the best BBQ in the world along with the best blues bars? Are the Cubs going to have a good year? Yes to all of those.