Friday, November 26, 2004

How was Thanksgiving? Can you say bilious, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Now that’s a miracle
I saw the holiday classic movie “Miracle on 34th street.” last night. You know what the miracle is? That the hero of the movie is a lawyer.

You know what the moral of “Miracle On 34th Street” is? Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to. That and if you want a woman to like you again, buy her and her kid a house.

Holiday gift ideas
Here’s a shopping idea. Office supply company Staples is auctioning staplers designed by, among other stars, Kobe Bryant. Kobe’s stapler is perfect for stapling together those pesky room service and jewelry store receipts.

Did you see the NFL games on Thanksgiving? They all wore throwback uniforms. I’m wearing a 70’s throwback uniform tonight. My suit is made of polyester and I’m wearing High Karate cologne.

Signs that you may have had too much
Did you have a good Thanksgiving? I admit, I over-did it. I ate so much, I was so stuffed, I was so bloated and cranky, I felt like making an anti-Bush documentary.

Director Michael Moore topped the “Frigid 50” list of least intriguing celebrities published by online movie magazine Upon hearing this, Moore was so upset he was going to call his lawyer, just as soon as he could stand up from eating too much pumpkin pie.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

We gonna get us our turkey on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Go figure
The exact same thing that happened to the Indiana Pacers and Ron Artest once happened at a Los Angeles Clippers game. Except, it being the Clippers, the fan missed the player with the cup and the player missed the fan with the punch.

The NBA is really upset over the bad public relations created by the Ron Artest incident. In fact, rumor has it, to atone to the fans, NBA commissioner Stern is demanding that Kobe Bryant sends everyone at the game a diamond ring.

I’m not sure about the new commercial for the NBA. It features the Ron Artest fight clip and then courtside celebrities, Ike Turner, Mike Tyson and Liza Minelli saying; “I love this game.”

Did you see Ron Artest during that fight clip? When he was going after the small drunk fan, he looked like Muhammad Ali. But when 6ft 9in, 250 pound Piston Ben Wallace tears after him, Artest travels backwards prettier and faster than Ginger Rodgers.

What's the frequency, Kenneth?
CBS’s Dan Rather announced he is going to retire. Or, as Rather might would put it:

“This ol’ mule is as tired as a one-armed paper-hanger after election day so it’s time this gunslinger meandered into the sunset with both his pistols a smokin’.”

We think Rather is going to retire. CBS cannot determine if his resignation is real or not.

Winning the election, beating John Kerry, canning his cabinet, just when you didn’t think President Bush’s month could get any better, Dan Rather retires. The only way Bush’s month could improve is if Michael Moore decides to make a movie with Ben Affleck.
Snaps it back and hold it, one more time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Apparently the NBA now stands for Now Beating Attendees.

There is new information that may help exonerate Indiana Paste’r, eh, Pacer Ron Artest. That beverage the fan threw? It turns out it was a Zima. No wonder Artest went crazy.

Or as I like to call him, Ron “Not the Sm” Artest.

There is just no excuse for an NBA player to hit a fan. That would never happen at a Clipper game. Just like with their shots, the Clippers couldn’t hit a fan either.