Saturday, March 11, 2017

In Alaska, one of the Iditarod contestants, Linwood Fiedler, fell off his sled when he fell asleep. He got the idea of falling asleep and falling off from the Atlanta Falcons in the Super Bowl

Friday, March 10, 2017

I know you can read my thoughts, boy (The Simpsons S05E20)

She’s got wonderful eyes and a risqué mouth, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Arnold Schwarzenegger quit as host of “Celebrity Apprentice.” Donald Trump’s response was, “Let’s get that Frederick Douglass guy. I hear he is good.” 

The rumor of Cap’n Crunch being discontinued is not true. There were reports the Cap’n spoke to the Russian ambassador, but he denies that.

In Alaska, one of the Iditarod contestants, Linwood Fiedler, finished an hour behind his dog sled because he fell off when he fell asleep. On the bright side, he was named an honorary Atlanta Falcon.

Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg, and his wife, Priscilla, are expecting their second girl. His first daughter’s name is Max, short for Maximum Fortune. This one will be named Lucky McLuckface. 

For the second time, Radio Shack has declared bankruptcy. Not a shock. Radio Shack doesn’t exactly have a high tech name. It’s better than Telegraph Teepee, but that’s it. 

An umpire at an Alabama high school baseball game was arrested for being drunk. They suspected he was drunk when he encouraged the players to play like Minnesota Twins.

There is an online test to determine if you’re narcissistic. I did not take it. I was busy sending a dic-pic to Anthony Weiner.

South Korea announced they will reevaluate their relationship with China after the impeachment. Awkward when Donald Trump heard and said, “I’m getting impeached? Awesome. When can I go back to Mar-a-Lago?" 

There’s a rumor OJ Simpson will get a reality show when he is released from prison this year. Network executives are just trying to figure out on which circle of hell to broadcast it. 

Thursday, March 09, 2017

For the second time, Radio Shack has declared bankruptcy. We called a Radio Shack for a comment, but our call went right to their answering machine.

It was kind of an awkward moment when they asked Donald Trump about “Day Without A Woman.” “It was tough,” said Trump, “Guys had to grab themselves.” 

A man on a Hawaiian Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Honolulu, caused the flight to be diverted to LA after a fight with a flight attendant over paying $12 for a blanket. And even though they were not involved, Spirit Airlines charged the man a $20 bedding negotiating fee.

During a Florida arson trial, a lawyer’s pants caught on fire. As soon as the prosecutor cited the obvious “Liar, liar, pants on fire,” objection, the defense shouted the classic rejoinder, “I know you are, but what am I?”     

In CT, a 74-year-old man was arrested after he destroyed half-a-dozen of Kim Kardashian’s selfie book, “Selfish,” in a book store. He was charged with vandalism, extreme good taste and temporary sanity.

He was also charged with willful neglect for not destroying all 12 books. 

A study claims people are giving up on diets and exercise. The study was conducted in five minutes inside the closest Waffle House.

New England Patriot receiver, Julian Edelman, and Adriana Lima have broken up. Sadly this leaves the Patriots with only one handsome multi-millionaire living with a Brazilian super model, Tom Brady. Clearly the Pats need to pick up another Brazilian Super Model in the draft. 

Since you asked:

Donald Trump dreamed of being an NFL owner, but the elite/snotty NFL owners would neither touch Trump nor his tackiness with a ten-foot gold-lacquered pole.

But the desperate USFL let Trump own a team and boy did Trump prove the pious NFL owners right. Trump not only ruined his team, the New Jersey Generals, by forcing them to move to the Fall, Trump ruined the entire league.

As I have said before, for an alleged great businessman, Trump has somehow managed to fail at selling booze, gambling, steaks and football to Americans. 

As Charles Blow in “The New York Times” OP-ED put it so well:

“Trump became the idiot’s image of an intellectual, the coward’s image of a courageous man and the pauper’s image of a prosperous man.”

And yet, at some point, you have to admire Trump’s Mister Magoo-like ability to dodge bullets. He keeps using the Dead Cat Trump Thump over and over and over. 

To reiterate, the Dead Cat Trump Thump is when, no matter how much people are screaming about his taxes and the Russians, Trump is able to toss a dead cat on the conference table - Obama's bugging - and people talk about the dead cat. 

Ex-Yankee, Alex Rodriguez, is dating Jennifer Lopez. Perfect. These divas two are lightening - excuse me - rods for controversy. Depending on who you talk to, without the letters in J.Lo and A-Rod, you cannot spell the words Lord or Odor.

Or Door, but that doesn't really apply.

The question is, when they break up, who will get custody of the term: Huge Ass. 

That's a paddlin'

South African waterman, Chris Bertish, crossed the Atlantic unassisted on a Stand Up Paddle Board. And this morning in the shower, I was too lazy to repeat lather and rinse. 

A man on a Hawaiian Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Honolulu, caused the flight to be diverted to LA after a fight with a flight attendant over paying $12 for a blanket. And even though they were not involved, Spirit Airlines charged him a $20 Bedding Negotiating fee.

The Chicago Bears have officially cut Jay Cutler. “I’ll play quarterback for the Bears,” said Johnny Manziel during his break as the deep-fryer at McDonalds.  

After being let go, Cutler released a statement, but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown. 

It looks like OJ Simpson will be released from prison in October. Just in time for Donald Trump to name him Sec. of Marital Counseling. 

During a demonstration during a Florida arson trial, a lawyer’s pants caught on fire. As soon as the prosecutor cited the obvious “Liar, liar, pants on fire,” objection, the defense shouted the classic rejoinder “I know you are, but what am I?” . 

How messed up are the Washington Redskins? Today the Browns are considering changing their name to the Cleveland "At Least We're Not The Redskins."   

Wednesday, March 08, 2017

Katie Perry has a gold Nike swoosh emblem on a tooth. And you won’t believe where she has a Preparation H tattoo. 

Not only will OJ Simpson be released from prison in October, but he will have access to almost $3 mil. in back pension payments. OJ will be able to dress up for Halloween as a Travesty of Justice.

Did you know it is National Procrastination Week? And I have not done a damn thing. I will be cramming all night Sunday. 

In Fort Lauderdale, a luxury cruise ship came right up to a man’s backyard. It came so close, the people in the house got the norovirus. 

For $78 a week, a company, Purple Carrot, will send you fat-free, no-carb all-vegetable meals that Tom Brady eats. And for $25 a week, you can eat like Johnny Manziel. It’s called the McDonalds Employee discount.

Since you asked:

One of the biggest signs of an unmitigated assh*le is a guy who sits back with his feet on a desk making someone wait while they yammer on the phone. 

The biggest a-hole I ever saw, Bob Felderman, used to do that all day. The guy whom  Felderman made a career out of kissing his ass, Wick Simmons, did it too. 


Plus this

Equals Mark Davis, Oakland Raiders owner

Tuesday, March 07, 2017

White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, was the White House Easter Bunny in 2008. Somewhere, Laurence Peter, creator of the Peter Principal, is spinning in his grave.

LA Dodger, Yasiel Puig, had $500,000 worth of jewelry stolen from his home. Actually, the jewelry started out worth $500,000, but after a few disappointing seasons, it is not nearly as shiny as it was and is now only worth $250,000. 

A study claims people who have sex the night before are more productive at work the next day. This study does not reflect well on the wives and girlfriends of the Cleveland Browns.

Not to say that my beloved UC Santa Barbara Gaucho 6-22 basketball team had a bad season, but they went to buy tickets for the NCAA tournament and missed the ticket booth. 

Ex-Alabama linebacker, Ruben Foster, did not make it to the NFL combine in Indiana after being sent home after an argument with a medical worker. Even Johnny Manziel made it to the combine.

Witnesses say Foster got in an ugly "Do you know who I am?" hissy fit with a cranky hospital employee.  Foster's stock did not just drop. It was as if it was discovered his stock was printed on paper made from asbestos.

Since you asked:

Big fan of the actor, Danny Trejo. Trejo’s face looks like somebody was wearing it for underpants and then removed them to use them to beat out a cactus fire. 

We are still looking for a financear, fianceer, financiousa, finanosposa, someone to put cash into a documentary showing the houses around Laurel Canyon, Malibu, Topanga Canyon, the studios and clubs on Sunset Blvd and Santa Monica Blvd where the some of the greatest songs of the 70’s were created. From the Byrds, Doors and Beach Boys to the Eagles and Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. 

Similar to “Legends of Laurel Canyon” but more about the locations and the songs. And I will write the narrative to include some funny. 

Pony-up like the Stone Ponies. $$$$$$. 

Please do not watch "Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates." It sucks.

Anna Kendrick is cute and all but kind of looks like she is not well. But Aubry Plaza somehow manages to utterly free fall from the list of hot actresses. 

Was a huge fan of the Aubry Plaza in "Parks and Recreation." She has those awesome huge brown eyes and killer gams. And she has the dry funny. 

But "MADNWD" did not do her any favors at all. 

Did you know it is National Procrastination Week? It came early. I won’t be able to do it until next week. 

In his first address to HUD, Dr. Ben Carson described slaves as immigrants. Said one of Carson’s former brain surgery patients, “It is a miracle that guy was able to fix my brain so that it glabborwinks when I flackerboobletoops.” 

A study claims people who have sex the night before are more productive at work the next day. With the exception of us high-priced male prostitutes. 

New York Met prospect, Tim Tebow, will makes his Grapefruit League debut Wednesday. In Las Vegas you can get 30-1 odds Tebow will have his grapefruit intercepted and returned for a touchdown. 

Dr. Ben Carson described slaves as immigrants. At which point all of Carson’s former brain surgery patients asked to see their brain warranty.

At the Oscars, the Memoriam montage featured a live producer. But they also said Bill Cosby’s career wasn’t dead, so they were even. 

Killer whales were spotted in the Santa Barbara channel. However, once they entered Santa Barbara waters, their name changed from Killer Whales to Aggressive High Body Mass Sea Mammals. 

Samsung has announced a delay in the launching of the Galaxy 8. They want California to have one more rain storm so the state doesn’t catch on fire when the Galaxy 8 explodes. 

This marks the first time a company does not want their product launch go off with a boom.

In his first address to HUD, Ben Carson referred to slaves as immigrants. “That is silly,” said Ed. Sec., Betsy DeVos, “Everyone knows slaves were the first tourist interns.” 

Monday, March 06, 2017

Wheels Up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy National Oreo Cookie Day. We need a National Oreo Cookie Day like Florida needs a Smoke Meth and Act Stupid Day.

It is the 106th anniversary of Oreo cookies. Can you imagine back when there were no Oreos? “It was hell,” said Larry King.

The military is investigating reports that male Marines shared pictures of naked female Marines on a secret Facebook page. Authorities became suspicious when someone kept asking them to Friend them named General Anthony Weiner. 

Israel just decriminalized marijuana. You can tell. The Wailing Wall is now the Uncontrollable Giggles Wall.

Disney is under controversy for its first openly gay character in “Beauty and the Beast.” First gay Disney character? Please. In "Finding Nemo," Dora forgot everything except she was gay.

First gay Disney character? So I guess we’re all just pretending Winnie the Pooh was going through a phase?

Since you asked:

The Dead Cat Trump Thump ©

It happened back in the campaign when Ted Cruz looked like he could get ahead of Donald Trump in the primaries. Trump announced he wanted to ban Muslims and, bam, he never looked back.

The Dead Cat Trump Thump © was born. 

Some Australian politician, Lynton Crosby, coined the term sans Trump. No matter what people are talking about, if you throw a dead cat on the table, the topic will change to the dead cat.

Barack Obama tapps (sic) Trump Tower. Boom. The Dead Cat Trump Thump ©. But in that case, it isn’t just a dead house cat. That is a dead cougar. 

The problem is eventually folks will start to notice that whenever Russians are brought up, or Trump’s taxes, or how the Russians may be involved in Trump’s taxes, a deceased feline comes a flyin'.

Trump has maybe two or three more Dead Cat Trump Thumps © left in his golf bag. 

Let's put the hairdryers on:

If you combined the "Hell's Kitchen" finalists and took the voice of Ryan with everything else from Heather, you would have the scariest woman alive. Ryan's voice is like finger nails down an old fashioned slate chalk board. Everything else about Heather is like getting waterboarded with sulfuric acid. 

Heather is one scary skeeeeeeeeeyaaaatch. Yikes. 

Both can chef like mofizzies though. 

Folks, I am telling you there is comedy gold in the ol' "Strunk and White." 

"Nauseous. Nauseated. The first means “sickening to comtemplate”; the second means “sick at the stomach.” Do not, therefore, say “I feel nauseous,” unless you are sure you have that effect on others."

Clearly I do not understand how politics and our government work. Specifically the job of Attorney General, whose job it is to make sure people don't lie. 

In my mind, if I am being interviewed for that job, and getting that job depends on me not having spoken to Russians, so I say I did not speak to Russians and thus get the job. When it turns out I lied and I did speak to Russians, don’t I get fired? 


Sunday, March 05, 2017

That's what I was thinking when I was knuckles-deep in Cousin Terry, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Receiver, John Ross, ran a record 4.22 40 at NFL combine. That is faster than a PricewaterhouseCoopers executive can screw up an envelope.

Donald Trump accused Barack Obama of plotting a Watergate tapping of Trump Tower. That charge is so ludicrous, one of Trump’s Russian prostitutes peed herself laughing.