Friday, July 28, 2006

We grinnin’ and winnin’ Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Shocker, not
Former N’ Sync singer Lance Bass announced that he is gay; in addition, Lance revealed he is in a relationship with a reality show star. The shocking part? It isn’t Ryan Seacrest.

Former N’ Sync singer Lance Bass announced that he is gay; wow, a singer/dancer from a boy band named Lance is gay? Who could have seen this one coming?

The black dress Audrey Hepburn wore in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” is being auctioned for charity. In a related story, to raise money for the dress, Lance Bass withdrew his bid to launch into space.

Former N’ Sync singer Lance Bass announced that he is gay; it is not clear what effect this announcement will have on the countless millions of people who don’t care.

Immediately after the announcement, Lance’s manager thanked Lance for being candid and then asked him to go help the next Radio Shack customer

Now that is drunk
In London, David Hasselhof was kicked off a plane for being too drunk. To give you an idea how drunk Hasselfhof was, he was even drunker than the pilots.

Whew, that is a lot of juice
Tour De France winner Floyd Landis tested positive for high levels of testosterone. To give you an idea how high, Landis had even more testosterone than Hilary Clinton.

Tour De France winner Floyd Landis tested positive for high levels of testosterone. How high? His testosterone was higher than that of the entire Comic Con comic book convention combined.

Tour De France winner Floyd Landis tested positive for high levels of testosterone. In fact, the last time anyone had testosterone levels that high they proclaimed “Mission accomplished” on the deck of an aircraft carrier.

Nice touch
Gas prices continue to go up. Today a gas station in Beverley Hills not only went to full service, they hired a wine steward to pour the gas.

Since you asked
The United States Olympic Committee has narrowed the list of cities to host the 2016 Olympics to Los Angeles, Chicago and San Francisco, if they do decide to bid. In other words, San Diego has been eliminated as an option for an Olympics we may not bid for. That’s like Rosie O’Donnell telling a guy she wouldn’t date him if she were straight.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

It is hard out here

It was all about the touché back in the day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(In case you are wondering, the opening line is really an encrypted message for operatives working in the Mid East)

How hot is it?
It is so hot today Dick Cheney shot himself in the face with a garden hose.

It is so hot in California, the San Francisco Giants huddled underneath Barry Bonds head for the shade.

It is so hot in Sacramento, California, Arnold Schwarzenegger had to learn how to pronounce dehydration.

The Miss Universe contest was won by Miss Puerto Rico. The Miss Universe pageant was marred by one ugly incident when Miss France head butted Miss Italy.

Man it is hot. Star Jones went to the set of “The View” just to get the cold shoulder from Barbara Walters.

Not good
Daniel Baldwin was in a car crash. He is going to be fine but he totaled the Dominoes delivery truck

Hate to see that
San Diegan Floyd Landis won the Tour De France; this has to drive the French crazy. They finally get rid of Lance Armstrong and another American wins their tour. In fact, the French were so frustrated they head butted an Italian guy.

Rough time
It has been a tough summer for France. They lose the World Cup championship and the Tour De France. In fact, this is the worst summer for France since Euro Disney opened.

Not pretty
Tiger Woods won the British Open. What is the deal with the condition of the grass at the golf course at the British Open? I’ve seen UPS shorts that weren’t as brown.

Tiger Woods only hit one driver during the British Open. In fact Tiger hit less drivers than Lindsay Lohan or Daniel Baldwin.

Tiger Woods shot making was so amazing at the British Open, he was able to actually hit that one patch of green grass.

New record
Oprah continues to announce that she and her friend Gayle King are not gay; three more public denials of not being gay and Oprah will pass the record set by Richard Gere and his gerbil.

For example
Health officials say that there is a good chance that complications will result following stomach stapling surgery. For example, one complication? You can get fired from “The View.”  

American Floyd Landis won the Tour De France. The best part of winning the Tour? You get to nail Sheryl Crowe.  

Not a big hit
The horror movie “Lady In the Water” did not do very well at the box office. The last time people cared less about a lady in the water they were working for FEMA during hurricane Katrina.

Since you asked:

No lie, it is a state of panic here in San Diego. This weather is unprecedented. It is stiflingly hot and muggy. And it has been that way since mid June but this week was nuts.

It reminds me of summers in the Chicago ‘burbs. Dad would proclaim that it was cool at night from the breeze from the lake – a good mile away – and that we didn’t need to turn on the A.C. All night you’d be sweating. Then you’d get up in the morning to find him asleep on the screen porch patio furniture couch in his drawers. (Dad was a tightie whitey guy just to complete the image for you)

The second Dad was showered and dressed in his Brooks Brothers suit and off to his job as an institutional paper supply sales manager, Mom would crank up the A.C. until we could see our breath. No lie, you would come back from playing baseball or going to the beach and when you walked into our solid red brick house with central air, you would get a brain freeze. It was awesome.

My tolerance for heat and misery was totally burned out when I moved from Santa Barbara to New York City. I had the fifth floor studio apartment of a five story walk up. On the other side of my ceiling was the black tar roof. It was like living in a Kenner Easy Bake Oven. Sweat would pour off in rivulets as the fan sucked the moisture from my eyes. When I woke up I couldn’t blink for five minutes.

One particularly pleasant night, in the throes of a really bad cockroach infestation, I couldn’t be certain if the ticklish feeling I had on my torso was my own sweat or a cockroach scampering across me. And I was an institutional bond broker on Wall Street with an expense account.

Now I know you are saying “Oh you poor San Diegans, how can you stand living where the climate is perfect, you freakin’ whimps.”

But that is the point. Because we have such temperate weather, we are spoiled and thus we truly suffer when it is hot and humid. Saturday, just a few miles east of here, it was 115 degrees with 80% humidity. That is brutal no matter where you live. But when you are used to 71 and bone dry, it is enough to make you join a cult as long as they have A.C.