Friday, May 12, 2017

Don't send me a poop-emoji and tell me it is a Hershey's Kiss, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The White House claimed James Comey was fired for mishandling the Hillary Clinton email investigation. That’s like saying we are going after ISIS due to their poor table manners.

Donald Trump accused James Comey of being a showboat and grandstanding. Amazing coming from a guy who nicknamed his testicles Showboat and Grandstand.

Did Donald Trump really just Tweet about leaks? Somewhere two Russian prostitutes have just wet themselves… again. 

Donald Trump tweeted a threat of recording his conversations with James Comey. And Steve Harvey sent out a memo saying he does not want James Comey to talk to him. 

Steve Harvey issued a memo to his staff demanding nobody talk to him. Unless they have an update on the winner of the Miss Universe contest. 

Donald Trump just tweeted a threat of leaking a recording of his conversation with James Comey about being investigated after his firing letter that said he was not being investigated. How does Trump know which lie he has to lie about lying about?

A Chicago woman, distraught over her haircut, ran over her hairdresser eight times. He is badly hurt, but expected to live. In a related story, Donald Trump’s barber has been placed in protective custody.

A Florida dog trainer suspended for life for providing his dogs cocaine. They suspected the dogs were on cocaine because all they wanted to do was drink, play video games and talk smack.

Since you asked:

Not to date myself, but when I was a kid we had a succession of presidents who fought in the war. A few were war heroes. JFK got the Navy Cross. George H.W. Bush was a fighter pilot who got shot down. 

His son, George W. spent his military service in the National Guard on vacation in Alabama. 

Our current president was a military school bed-wetter and stayed out of Vietnam because he claimed to have a sore foot. 

At the rate we are going, in 2020 we will either elect Conrad Hilton president or a blow up sex doll. Personally I vote for the blow-up doll. It can be used for something.

Just saw HBO's “41” on GHW Bush. It struck me, besides being republican presidents, GHW Bush and Donald Trump could not be more opposite:

Bush was honest, smart, inquisitive, informed, modest, positive, loyal, funny, trusting, brave, hard-working, kind and generous. I'm not saying he was a great president, but he was a truly good and decent man.

And then there is Trump...

Thursday, May 11, 2017

ESPN announcer, Sabrina Parr, was fired for accusing a Cleveland Brown player of being on the drugs Molly and the Lean. Molly and the Lean is also my new A Cappella group. 

In his interview with Lester Holt, Donald Trump said he had dinner with James Comey. Things are serious when Trump does not bring up the quality of the chocolate cake. 

In a “Time” interview, Donald Trump criticizes Stephen Colbert so much he interrupted himself. Trump does not just have ADHD. He has ADH “Oh, by the way” D. 

In an interview with “Time,” Donald Trump lashed out at Stephen Colbert. Have you noticed how Trump interrupts himself? He doesn’t just have ADHD. He has ADHDAHDHD.

Political experts are saying the James Comey firing is the beginning of the end for Donald Trump. So you know what that means? Trump will be re-elected in 2020. 

18-year-old Benjamin Pachev finished 16th in the Indianapolis half-marathon wearing Crocs. An Indiana teenage marathon runner in Crocs. If that isn’t a recipe to get babes, what is?

ABC is bringing back “American Idol.” They asked first runner up, Justin Guarini, what he thought and he said he was delighted. Then he asked if we wanted fries with that. 

There is video of parked BMW’s bursting into flames. In a related story, United unveiled their new slogan: “At least our planes don’t burst into flames.” 

Since you asked:

Your heart has to go out to the “SNL” writers this week. This is like NASA after Russia shot Yuri Gagarin into space and back. 

“SNL” needs a “Hidden Figures” skit and have Taraji Henson run out of the “Colored Women” bathroom and into the rain and run up to Kevin Costner and hand him her soggy notes and then draw on a huge slate black board and use euclidian geometry to prove Sarah Huckabee Hanson was speaking to the press because Sean Spicer was hiding in the bushes. 


“So, if your figures are correct, what you’re saying is that one idiot had to speak for the other hiding idiot because their boss was lying?” (To his other engineers) "Why didn’t any of you figure this out?”

So I’m watching something like “Homeland” and they use a voice activated-computer to access security video at the location and time of where the suspect committed the crime. They then use face-recognition software to get his identity. They match up his identity with hospital and police computers to get his DNA, fingerprints and his record and then they use a bank computer to find out he had just run the stolen credit card at a bar. 

They send in helicopters to the bar and the guy is arrested. 

Today, when I got a haircut, the nice lady said they had a new computer system and asked if I would like to get emails notifying me of specials. Four confused employees and 20 minutes later they still could not get my email address in their computer. 

ESPN fires a butt-load of announcers and yet that pompous jerk-wad Stephen A. (Hole) Smith and that bratty entitled cashier-insulter, Britt McHenry, are still employed? 

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Can't You Hear Me Knocking (Remastered)

My walk-up song

The Outfield - Your Love

The Amigo Contigo From Escondido, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy 57th birthday to the birth control pill. I am 58 which means I made it by one year. 

Bill Clinton is writing a crime novel. Not to give anything away, but it does not end well for his character named Tronald Dump. 

A company is making diapers with MLB logos on them. They were also going to put NFL logos on them, but the nobody wanted a diaper with the name the Browns on it. 

Bill Clinton is writing a crime novel. It will be a real “Who done her?” 

Conrad Hilton is in jail after refusing to go to court for stealing a car. You know how prison male inmates can have a bitch? Conrad will be the bitch of the biggest bitch’s bitch. 

The reviews for Amy Schumer’s movie with Goldie Hawn, “Snatched,” are brutal. Many viewers were expecting it to be the James Comey story.

Tuesday, May 09, 2017

Did you see Trump's letter to Comey?

Dear Guy Who Is Not Investigating Me:

Thanks for not investigating me three times. Oh. You're fired.


The Guy You're Not Investigating.

P.S. You're not investigating me, right? Good. But you're still fired.

A linesman at a Scottish soccer match received a joke red-card after he got sick to his stomach. The linesman was fine until his mind wandered to a San Francisco Giants game, then he became violently ill.

Spirit Airlines passengers started a riot at Fort Lauderdale airport when Spirit cancelled 11 flights. You know things are awful when United starts to look like the most professional airline. 

Since you asked:

An airline that provides fair prices and outstanding personal service will rise from the ashes to offset the disease of greed and rudeness started by Spirit Airlines and that has infected all the other airlines like an Ebola wildfire.  

The Friday afternoon I was in a line with 50 people at Blockbuster when three of the four cashier/clerks all took a break with the blessing of the manager, that is when I knew Blockbuster was through. Somewhere in Northern California, Reed Hastings was in that same kind of line and he founded Netflix.

When I got a brand new BluRay player of course the first DVD I rented from Blockbuster was broken and blank. However the Blockbuster clerk with the dragon neck tattoo informed me, when I returned it, that I was not smart enough to understand that my brand new DVD BluRay player was defective. (He was wrong and I got so furious, to calm me down, the manager actually credited me with about five movies. Pretty sure that is why Blockbuster went bankrupt) 

Spirit Airlines would have never dragged a passenger off a plane because they would not care about an overbooked seat. Spirit routinely cancels flights if they are not profitable enough by lamely claiming a safety inspection or an ill pilot. Spirit does not stop at not caring about people, Spirit intensely dislikes their passengers. It is a genuinely adversarial relationship. The passengers are trying to rip-off  Spirit and Spirit wants to rip them off.  Spirit feels most of their passengers are dull-witted cattle who just want the cheapest flight. 

And it is hard to argue with this attitude. Recently I was on a train in San Diego coming from a Padres game when the announcement asked passengers not to put their feet on the seat in front of them for obvious hygienic reasons. The guy in front of me used this reminder to put his feet on the chair in front of him. 

Every day on Twitter we see pictures of people rubbing their smelly bare feet on a plane and being kicked off for not dressing appropriately. It is not just the airlines. A lot of the passengers truly, genuinely and essentially suck. 

Somebody should stock an airplane with starving comedians who can practice their jokes when reading the safety rules. 

We Chicago Cubs fans lost a lot of good things to lose when the Cubs won the World Series. We lost the lovable losers title. We lost the Billy Goat Curse. We lost the black cat curse and the nightmare that was the end of the 1969 season. We lost the choking against the Padres in '84. We lost 108 years of losing. 

We also lost the right to complain about anything Cubs related for at least one year. If, for every game for the rest of the year, the Cubs come out and play in the dirt with a bucket and shovel and lose each game by 25 runs, we cannot complain. 

Dear Jimmy Fallon:

Big fan of your immense talent. But your monologues suck harder than a Trenton crack whore. 

You want more of a political edge? Hire me and fire, oh, some little weasel douchebag.



Nobody thinks they're a douchebag and yet we have never had so many douchebags. If you text or talk on your hand-held cell phone when you drive, you're a selfish douchebag. 

Let's make money off of all the douchebags who do not think they're a douchebag.  It will wake them up to the fact they are douchebags and we will get something out of it. 

Why are we not fining people $1,000 for being on their cell phone when driving? We have proof it is as dangerous as driving drunk.