Sunday, June 23, 2002

Hello Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, sorry it has been a while, I was busy recording some harmonica with my new band, Sergio's Waggle.

President Bush ran with the White House staff two-laps around a parade ground three-mile fitness race. It brought new meaning to a White House intern doing a lap.It was nice to see a president doing his own lap for a change.

But then the story claimed Laura Bush walked the same course in just under twenty-three minutes. That’s just over seven and a half minutes per mile. That’s only just over thirty seconds per mile slower than the President who was running and running fast? Most people walk at about ten minutes a mile. Who timed this thing, Arthur Anderson? I demand an investigation. It was against the law, what the Mama saw? It was against the law. Either way, that’s the fastest any president has moved since Monica wore a blue dress.

My new band “Sergio’s Waggle” was hired to play a gig this weekend, but we took to long to set up.

Co- host South Korea defeated Spain in a huge upset to advance to the semi-finals of the World Cup. Due to South Korea’s incredible streak, all of the other teams have also sent their team cooks to the pound. A lot of Americans don’t follow soccer. Did you know in soccer you can’t use your hands? That would be a good rule for the Catholic church

Last Friday was the longest day of the year. I believe it, I watched a World Cup soccer game Friday and I didn’t think the day would ever end.

So far this season, New York Mets catcher Mike Piazza has only thrown out six of sixty base stealers. It almost appears that Piazza doesn’t mind if guys advance on him. So far this season, New York Mets catcher Mike Piazza has only thrown out six of sixty base stealers. Apparently the rumor going around major league base runners is that Piazza is easy. Today Mike Piazza announced he will marry Liza Minelli.

Can you believe that the famous slow-speed Bronco chase with O.J. Simpson and A.C. Cowling was eight years ago? It has been so long, O.J. now has to use Poligrip denture adhesive to stick to his story.

After an unprecedented great performance in the World Cup, the U.S. lost to Germany. Incidentally this is also the first time the phrase the U.S. lost to Germany has ever been used in a sentence.

Reports are that Britney Spears is so distraught over her break-up with Justin Timberlake, that her concert performances are suffering. At her last concert, Britney’s performance slumped from annoyingly vivacious down to oddly perky.

The Supreme Court ruled that it is unconstitutional to execute retarded people. Finally Mike Tyson gets some good news for a change. Finally the Enron executives get some good news.

Andy Williams, the San Diego teenager who went on a shooting spree, pleaded guilty to two counts of first-degree murder and 13 counts of attempted murder. This kid is no relation to the famous singer Andy Williams, although when he goes to prison, he will be singing “Moon River.” (Name the Chevy Chase movie)

It turns out there was a big screw up at the John Gotti funeral. The family went back to put fresh flowers on the grave, but they discovered, out of habit, they had buried him in an unmarked grave.

The sting of a prostitution ring at a Norco golf course resulted in the arrests of six people on a variety of sex-related allegations. Authorities became suspicious when the ball washer charged $100 and answered to the name Tiffany.Hookers and golf courses are different. On a golf course, more strokes are bad. Hookers on a golf course are a little different. They charge per stroke. One of the golfers who was arrested was terrified his wife was going to find out. She would be furious if she found out that that he played an extra round of golf.

The sting of a prostitution ring at a Norco golf course resulted in the arrests of six people on a variety of sex-related allegations. It happened right in the middle of the annual Charlie Sheen Charity Golf tournament.

Southwest Airlines is under fire for plans to charge extra large passengers double. Johnny Cochran has been retained as Southwest’s corporate attorney: “One cheek per seat? Another fare we seek.”

Major League Baseball has refused to ban steroids. In a related story, the Chicago White Sox have signed The Rock as a designated hitter.

Mike Piazza was chosen by Sports Illustrated for Women as one of; ``The Sexiest Men in Sports.'' The bad news for Piazza is that the sport they choose for him is the Gay Rodeo.

President Bush is pushing for higher fitness in the U.S. And his family is pitching in; for the entire rest of June, Jenna Bush has pledged to only drink light beer.

Have you seen “Today Show’s” Matt Lauer’s hair cut? It makes me long for the beauty of Katie Couric’s colon exam video.

Angelina Jolie has reportedly split from Billy Bob Thornton. If those two normal kids can’t make it, what chance do the rest of us have? I don't care if she is nuttier than an outhouse rat, I would drink that crazy broad's bathwater.