Seriously, what was that Jesse idiot thinking?

Give a hollah to a ballah when you see him on the streeeeet, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


After an affair with a tattooed stripper, Sandra Bullock’s husband, Jesse James, has had many more women accuse him of cheating. You know the main difference between the outlaw Jesse James and this Jesse James? The outlaw Jesse James was better at keeping his gun in his holster.


The makers of a feminine hygiene product, Mooncup, have signed Amy Winehouse in a campaign to encourage better vagina hygiene. Because when you think of Amy Winehouse, you think of a spanky clean who-ha.


I was filling out the census form and I think they tried too hard to be hip and current. For example it asked; “Yo, how many broheimskis you got chillin’ all up in your hizzouse?”


Sandra Bullock’s movie “The Blindside” is out on DVD. Make no mistake, “The Blindside” is named for weak side lineman in football, not for the way Jesse James and his tattooed skanks are humiliating Sandra Bullock.


I was filling out the census form and I have a question: does Ryan Seacrest check manpanion, my homey or it’s complicated for Simon Cowel?


The makers of a feminine hygiene product, Mooncup, have signed Amy Winehouse in a campaign to encourage better vagina hygiene. Apparently Courtney Love was busy.


After an affair with a tattooed stripper, Sandra Bullock’s husband, Jesse James, has had more heavily-tattooed women accuse him of cheating with them. Apparently Jesse likes the tattoos so much he once accidentally made a pass at Dennis Rodman’s elbow.


In the NCAA tournament, #12 underdog ivy league school Cornell lost to #1 Kentucky. Cornell basketball is different. For example, they don’t trash talk they refer to it as refuse-oriented oratory.


In the NCAA tournament, #12 underdog ivy league school Cornell lost to #1 Kentucky. Basketball is not huge at Cornell, in fact most students didn’t know they had a gym until they attended a Jonas Brothers concert there.


The makers of a feminine hygiene product, Mooncup, have signed Amy Winehouse in a campaign to encourage women to nickname their vaginas. Lots of celebrity women have a nickname for their vaginas. You know what Heidi Montag calls her vagina? Spencer Pratt.


The makers of a feminine hygiene product, Mooncup, have signed Amy Winehouse in a campaign to encourage women to nickname their vaginas. Lots of celebrity women have a nickname for their vaginas. You know what Paris Hilton calls her vagina? The lobby.

I am really excited about tonight’s men’s NCAA college basketball match up of Purdue Vs. Duke. Those Duke fans are nuts: shirtless, head painted blue, drunk, sweaty and screaming. And that’s just the women professors.


Since you asked:

What is the deal with Vera Farmiga? Hot or cold? She goes back and forth to me. She has that plastic surgery looking nose. But she seems witty and sharp. And her body is fairly rockin' but then she can suddenly look like the chick version of Jar Jar Binks.

Sarah Palin goes hot and cold for me. Sometimes she’s the nasty librarian, other times she seems like fleshy white trash trying too hard to look good. But then she opens her "Fargo" mouth and any trace of the hot goes flying out.

You can still think you are him and be nice to folks

Who dat asking who dat, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?



In the text messages from Tiger Woods to porn star, Joslyn James, Tiger requests sadomasochistic sex and to urinate on James. If Tiger isn’t careful this sex scandal could get embarrassing.


In the text messages from Tiger Woods to porn star, Joslyn James, Tiger requests to urinate on James. It’s the same fantasy a lot of guys have about their shower.


Defense Sec. Robert Gates announced women will be allowed to serve on submarines for the first time. In fact the Navy hired my writers and they’re busy writing “Up periscope” jokes right now.


Pamela Anderson was on “Dancing with the Stars” and she did well considering Pamela was at a huge disadvantage: no stripper pole.


The famous jewelry maker, Tiffany and Co. announced fourth quarter profits quadrupled from last year. They even took out an ad in all the papers “Thank you, Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Jesse James and David Letterman.”


Rush Limbaugh said he was going to leave the country if the health care bill passed. He’s not kidding, Rush spent the last two days packing up his medicine cabinet.


Rush Limbaugh said he was going to leave the country if the health care bill passed. He’s not kidding, Rush spent the last two days packing up his refrigerator.


Supporters of the health care bill say the American people now get the same health benefits members of Congress get, without having to turn into a lying and cheating dirt-bag.


In his “Golf Channel” interview, Tiger Woods said he wasn’t going to have affairs. In “Golf Channel” speak Tiger said he wouldn’t be laying up anymore.


It now looks like Tiger Woods is trying to save his marriage to his wife, Elin, and he gave an apologetic interview that aired on ESPN. Of course, for Tiger, ESPN stands for Elin Scares my Penis Now.


One theory on picking the NCAA tournament winners is to pick the teams with cat mascots. The exception being teams named Tiger, because they really got screwed this year.


On “American Idol” Miley Cyrus was the mentor the contestants. Which is sort of like hiring Paris Hilton as a tutor for calculus.


Since you asked:

In the latest “Sports Illustrated” in an interview with Dan Patrick, former Red Socks ace, Kurt Schilling, said he despised Barry Bonds in part because he can’t like people who treat other people like sub-humans.

Isn’t that the deal with those world record a-holes like Barry Bonds, Michael Irvin and Roger Clemens? It’s a given they’re megalomaniacs. The difference, as I understand it, between a narcissist or egomaniac and a megalomaniac is the megalomaniac has no desire to be loved, they want power and to scare and or harm what they consider all of us vastly inferior people. That is because they not only consider themselves to be demigods, but they consider nearly everyone else as horribly worthless. Not just to them, but in general. This provides the megalomaniac with two whole levels of impossible arrogance, one, they consider themselves flawless, and two, other people are weak and worthless. Now drop down and give me twenty.

You can still have a world class ego and treat people decently and even nicely. Rafer Johnson is a perfect example of that. So is Reggie Jackson. Holy crap, at a party for the opening of the Louisville Slugger museum, I sat and chatted with Hall of Famer Robin Yount like we old buddies hanging in a bar. This guy had no detectable ego whatsoever and could not be nicer.

Former Buffalo Bill wide receiver Andre Reed was in our local burger place and my friend, Aaron, was gob-smacked. He is a huge Bills and Reed fan, and he told me he was too terrified to ask him, but wanted Reed’s autograph in the worst way. Now Reed was a several time pro bowler, but not a Hall of Famer, and I didn’t give a damn about him either way. Plus I hate asking for autographs, but my friend was mentally dying in front of me, so I volunteered to ask.

As nicely as I could, I waited until Reed was leaving the restaurant and said; “Excuse me, but my friend is a huge fan and too nervous to ask, so could you sign this to Aaron?” Right away, I could see the evil delight in Reed’s eyes. He couldn’t wait to refuse and generally act like I had asked to borrow $500. What a schmuck. And Reed is just a run-of-the-mill ex-jock egomaniac.

Which makes imagining how these washed up steroid cheaters – there is no doubt Irvin used steroids, he used so many drugs he may have taken steroids by accident - it makes imagining what they do all day now all that much more fun, because they really have zero power to abuse people unless they have them on salary or they are diehard fans. And if anyone is still a die-hard fan of Bonds, Irvin or Clemens, well, they deserve the inevitable abuse they will get.

One pictures Irvin, Bonds and Clemens individually surrounded at a giant table at a sports bar getting their asses seriously kissed by their professional ass kisser entourage while rudely declining to sign autographs to their few remaining, denial-ridden diehard fans.

One has to wonder where the fuel comes from to stoke the conflagration that is their out of control egos? Nobody is talking about them in the press – unless, like Irvin, they are accused of rape. They are not associated with their teams or sport. All right-minded people can’t stand them. The press despises them. At some point, even for shallow colossal non-genius egos like these, getting your ass smooched by gold diggers and morons has to ring hollow eventually, right?

But probably not.

Whether you want to admit it or not, you were and still are one of these

Yo, toss a rhyme, G, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Fess Parker passed. This is sad news for everyone. Well, everyone but raccoons who didn’t want to become hats.


It’s reported Bernie Maddoff received a beating in prison that resulted in broken ribs and a broken nose. Apparently Bernie and his cellmate couldn’t agree on the theme for their bridal shower.


Its reported Bernie Maddoff received a beating in prison that resulted in broken ribs and a broken nose. I don’t have a joke, I just like saying Bernie Maddoff received a beating in prison that resulted in broken ribs and a broken nose.


Authorities are warning Mexico may be too unstable for vacationing spring break college students. Wow, a place has to be pretty unstable to be too unstable for spring break. That’s like a personal assistant who is too unstable for Naomi Campbell.


Jesse James apologized to Sandra Bullock for having an affair. Guys, by now we should have learned a big lesson: if guys as rich and powerful as Jesse James, Dave Letterman, Tiger Woods and John Edwards get caught cheating? Your sorry ass will get caught.



Toyota has bought a huge ad at Wrigley Field. Holy cow, Cubs fans, do you know what this means? The Cubs will accelerate and won’t be able to stop until they win the World Series.



In Philadelphia, Jihad Jane pleaded not guilty to terrorism. The way it works is when a female Jihadist dies, the good news is they get 72 male virgins. The bad news? They just send them to a Star Trek convention.


Gossip expert Perez Hilton reports that gold-digger Heather Mills has already gone through half her divorce settlement from Paul McCartney. If she keeps spending like that, financially, Heather won’t have a leg to stand on.


Spencer Pratt has left “The Hills” to study computer science at USC. Pratt is already enrolled in his first three USC computer classes: “Introduction to turning on a computer.” “Google 101” and “The Mouse, it’s not what it sounds like.”


Since you asked:

During the Leno bashing fest, I think I got what it is about Jimmy Kimmel that never clicked with me. Jimmy is a funny guy, and I really like his show. It's got a combination fun and cool vibe and it is hipper than some of the others.

But I just don't like Kimmel. He is too smug by about half.

Let me explain. In high school you play roles. Sometimes those roles are assigned to you sometimes the roles are chosen. My role was a jock. No two ways about it. Now I went to parties, I drank beer, I hung with the really cool kids, but I was a jock and was fine with that label. There were jock/cool guy cross-overs, but I was a jock. One half a step below the cool folks.

And those roles stick with you for life. George Clooney was a cool/jock. So was Brad Pitt. No matter h0w much money he makes, Bill Gates will always be the computer nerd. Barbra Striesand was the theater group designated difficult diva/bitch ever since getting the lead role in the play went to her head.

There was a small percentage of the stoners whose main job, besides making their military jackets reek of pot, was to hate the jocks. That was Judd Nelson in "The Breakfast Club." Because they were so clearly physically inferior to the jocks, their job was to insult and mock the jocks behind their backs. (If they mocked the jocks to their face, many of the jocks, not me, mind you, would beat the snot out of them)

That was Jimmy Kimmel. Kimmel hated the jocks and loved to cleverly rip them verbally. But in the end, the jocks got the really hot girls. And that, by any measure, is the final test of who was and was not cool in high school.

The interesting thing about the stoner/jock haters is that they are, like most of us, fueled by their insecurities. But often their insecurities are so great, often fueled again by their Napoleon-complex, they push and push until they are very successful. Like Kimmel and Glenn Frey and Irving Azoff of the Eagles and Richard Nixon.

The bad news for the stoner/jock haters? No matter how well they do, they never get over their rejection from the jocks and the cool kids from high school. Nixon called a former jock/bully from the oval office just to rub it in his face.

To Jimmy Kimmel, Jay Leno represents the jocks, so the gloves are off. But Leno wasn't a jock in high school, he was in the unique separate category: the car/nut grease monkeys. They were a parallel sub group of the jock-hater/stoners. So that is why it strikes me as mean-spirited when Kimmel goes after Leno. The lateral groups below the cool kids and jocks and socialites, the stoners, nerds, car-freaks, punky weirdos and the flamboyant theater-whackos, they all had an unwritten peace settlement to band together against the jocks and cool kids.

Kimmel violated that sacred pact by viciously attacking Leno. There is nothing worse than a former bully victim who gains power and then uses it to turn into a bully. This is evident with Rush Limbaugh, Michael Moore, that midget a-hole Redskins owner, Daniel Snyder, Oliver Stone, Howard Stern, Donald Trump, David Geffen, almost every difficult actor on the planet, the list goes on and on.

As did Letterman. David Letterman was clearly of the audio-visual dork sub group. They worked in the radio station and set up the projectors. They had quick wits and sharp tongues they also used to turn on the cool kids and jocks, like the stoner/jock haters, but they never picked on a fellow sub-group, like the car/greaser freaks.

The entertainment world is high school with money. But so is everywhere else. In short, nobody ever fully gets out of high school.

And the rules still apply.