Hot Chicks on Stand Up Starboard Paddle Boards

In case you fixin’ to ponder, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

49-year-old Jamie Moyer is in the Colorado Rockies starting pitching rotation; you can tell Moyer has lost some velocity; when he tries to bean a batter, they pick up the ball and say; “Excuse me, Sir, did you lose this?”

You can tell Moyer is getting up there. When a batter charges the mound he yells; “You punks get off my lawn.”

Have you seen the viral video of the drunk in the police car belting out Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody”? He was facing a charge of drunk driving, now he is looking at the death penalty.

49-year-old Jamie Moyer is in the Colorado Rockies starting pitching rotation; you can tell Moyer is getting up there. They clock his pitches with a sundial.

You know how pitchers wear those magnet necklaces? Moyer’s is a Medic Alert necklace.

Since you asked:

Yesterday I perfected what I call The Lex “I Don’t Want To Workout” Workout.

You know the drill. It is about five o’clock and you talk yourself into thinking it is too late to work out. Maybe you’ll go to the store and start dinner? Maybe you’ll have a cocktail or a glass of wine?

To that I say oh to the hell to the no.

Go nuke that last leftover cup of coffee, swig it down and march up and down your staircase for ten minutes hard. Jog if you feel great, walk fast if you get tired, but don’t stop for ten minutes. Then jump rope - off and on - for ten minutes.

Bam, twenty minutes of good cardio that is easy on the legs and starts a good sweat.

Then it is two sets X 12 of dumbell bicep curls super setting with military curls. Then ten minutes on the indo board or some type of balancing ball with three sets of ten squats included.

Finish off with one minute plank and stretching.

There you go. 35 minutes that included aerobic, lifting, core workout and flexibility.

Boo shang to the bing bang, Slats and Nuggs, boo shang to the bing bang.

Little Walter, Juke

I have a nightmare like this

I know, right Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Second NFL draft pick-bust, Ryan Leaf, has been arrested twice in three weeks on drug-burglary charges and now faces a prison full of NFL fans who hate him. This has to be a guy’s worst nightmare. Well, next to being in Red Robin on some brat’s birthday.

Prisons have already began selling “I Plucked Ryan’s Leaf” t-shirts.

On “Dancing with the Stars” former “Family Matters” star Jaleel White had a meltdown at his partner, Kym Johnson and Green Bay Packer, Donald Driver, had to intervene. White, formerly Urkel, is currently being treated for severe wedgie-related injuries.

A city in China called Dongyang considers human urine-soaked eggs a delicacy; that is the most revolting thing I have ever heard. The city is named Dongyang? Was the name Dick-Johnson taken?

Eric Clapton - I've Got A Rock and Roll Heart

Quit the grinnin’ and drop the linen, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The London Olympic Committee has announced that women beach volleyball players are allowed to wear clothing more concealing than a bikini; this announcement came when Turkey announced they were sending a team.

We were down to the final two but now just one. But enough about the number of Gingrich followers, the NCAA finals were last night.

The NCAA finals were down to Kentucky and Kansas, the two states that start with the letter K. Today Indiana changed its name to Kindiana.

Since you asked:

Have the secret recipe for the perfect grilled swordfish.

One, buy really, really fresh swordfish.

Two, season/rub with Old Bay, garlic powder, sea salt and pepper.

Three, buy really, really fresh swordfish.

Four, use red-hot oak lump charcoal.

Five, grill two minutes over hot coals, flip, two minutes, flip 90 degrees two minutes, flip 90 degrees two minutes. Done at eight minutes total.

Serve with rice pilaf and grilled asparagus*. Steps one and three are the most important.

*Boil asparagus two minutes then blanch in cold water. Drizzle on olive oil and sprinkle with sea salt. Grill just long enough to make a grill mark. Rice cooker, one cup of rice, two cups of chicken broth.

Oh, as for the asparagus, keep the damn stinky pee jokes to yourself.

What Ryan Leaf Is Entitled To

Ryan Leaf arrested twice in three weeks on drug-related burglary charges. This is shocking. Who could believe Ryan Leaf would be an even bigger failure off the field than on it?

The Ryan Leaf saga is a cautionary tale in the dangers of entitlement. Leaf truly believed he got screwed when Payton Manning was drafted ahead of him. The guy was second in the draft and actually chose to be insulted.

When Leaf signed his $31 million-four-year deal not including his $11 million bonus, he thought he was being ripped off and told anyone who would listen.

Having never met Leaf but, like everyone else, seeing his temper tantrums against reporters, it was my opinion he was a world class jerk. How hard is it to be nice to the press? Some world class a-holes, like Michael Irvin and Steve Garvey, are at least not dumb enough to be a jerk to the press.

But Leaf’s ex-cheerleader bimbo now-ex-wife was the worst. She frequented the local Red Robin – a haven for A-holes and their ill-mannered spawn – so much her “Do you know who I am?” tantrum/mantra was so well known, one waiter had a reply ready:

“Yeah, you’re the gold-digger married to the guy who ruined the Chargers, but I have to wait on you anyway,” which received a standing ovation in the restaurant.

Of course the A-hole Red Robin management fired the brave lad for saying it. (When it comes to restaurant management, Red Robin managers are the Ryan Leaf’s of the food industry)

Well now Ryan Leaf has failed on the field – considered the biggest bust in NFL history, and NFL history has JaMarcus Russell – and now he has failed even worse off the field.

But Ryan apparently likes getting high on pain killers. So the entitled Ryan still feels he deserves to have pain killers, even though he cannot afford them because he is broke.

So what does a world class selfish a-hole do when they want something? They steal it.

When Ryan Leaf goes to prison to be repeatedly and brutally raped against his will –at first - by pissed off Charger fans – and believe me, prison is full of Charger fans. Not as full as with Raider fans, but full notwithstanding – Ryan is going to finally get to see exactly what he is entitled to.

In short, Ryan is going to get done to him what he did to NFL fans four three years.