Saturday, May 17, 2008

Chillax my broheims and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?
It is so hot you could fry an egg on Iron Man’s ass.

It is so hot Iron Man had to wear his steel Bermuda shorts and tungsten tank top.

Not good
A substitute teacher in Texas was arrested because he showed up to school drunk; you don’t want your high school teachers drunk, they could end up sleeping with a really ugly student.

Good for them
California has cancelled the ban on gay marriage; what great news for Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest.

California has cancelled the ban on gay marriage; finally some good news for the Oakland Raiders.

Long fall
Olympic gold medal winning sprinter Tim Montgomery was sentenced to four years in prison for bouncing checks; from Olympic champion to convict, that’s the biggest fall you can make without being named Hillary Clinton.

How hot is it?
Man it is hot, I was sweating like the other horses in the Preakness besides Big Brown trotting past the Elmers corporate box.

Odd twist
Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins. In an ironic twist, both Angelina’s babies are going to be adopted by a poor Asian couple.
First chink in the armor, Ted and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Much better deal
UPS has signed a marketing deal with Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown; this is a much better corporate deal than the one given to the horse named Elmers.

On NBC’s New York local 4 news broadcast, co-anchor Sue Simmons dropped a live F-bomb. It was so shocking it knocked Jane Fonda right on her C-word.

Not good
Hillary Clinton’s campaign is in debt for $20 million, in fact, if Hillary’s campaign loses anymore money, they will have to legally change their name to NBC.

California has rejected the gay marriage ban. Asked to comment, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said; “Yah, now it is legal for guys to get married and put their Pinklewursts in their Düsseldorf’s.”

On NBC’s New York local 4 news broadcast, co-anchor Sue Simmons dropped a live F-bomb. The bad news is Simmons could lose her job. The bright side is she can always be the New York Knicks color commentator.

Hillary’s cash flow
It is getting downright pathetic at Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters; they bounced a check to the dry cleaners so 50 of Hillary’s pants suits are being held as collateral.

It is getting downright pathetic at Hillary Clinton’s campaign; today, Bill Clinton flew into another red-faced rant when the iHop iIat manager who wouldn’t take their check.

To give you an idea how broke Hillary Clinton’s campaign is, today Bill Clinton’s credit card was denied at Hooters.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign is $24 mil in debt, she is losing super delegates and endorsements daily. Things haven’t looked this bad for Hillary since she walked in on Bill congratulating the winner of the White House Intern hot dog eating contest.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
During a campaign stop, Barack Obama said he has campaigned in all 57 states; to which President Bush replied; “Heck, even I know there are only 53 states.”

Pet work peeves
“Time” magazine had an article on the top ten most annoying workplace habits. For example, repeatedly clicking your pen, bad breath, talking too loudly on the phone and the most annoying workplace habit? Using the copier to take pictures of Barbara Walters’s naked butt.

Babs getting’ some
Barbara Walters continues to push her surprisingly racy autobiography, “Audition.” Today, Barbara was on Regis and Kelly. Not the talk show, she was on Regis and Kelly.

Barbara Walters’s autobiography is surprisingly racy. Remember NBC journalist legend Edward R. Murrow’s sign off “Goodnight and Good Luck?” Thanks to Barbara, for a while it was “Goodnight and I got lucky.”

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Slam it, jam it and bam it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Need the cash
“Iron Man” continues to destroy the box office. That’s good because they are going to need a lot of money when Iron Man gets sued for sexual harassment by Magnet Woman.

The post office unveiled its new Frank Sinatra stamp, but be careful with the Frank Sinatra stamp, it peels off, do not try to lick it, if you do try and lick the Frank Sinatra stamp, two teamsters will beat the crap out of you.

Oh, that guy
Former “Saturday Night Live” performer, Jimmy Fallon, will host NBC’s “Late Night” show when Conan O’Brien takes over “The Tonight Show”. I think the show is going to be called “Late Night with that guy who isn’t Adam Sandler.”

Easy advice
Jenna Bush got married over the weekend. It was touching, President Bush advised the nervous groom to just do on their honeymoon what Dick Cheney has been doing to the country for eight years.

Or something like that
In a letter to the “New York Times”, Democratic Icon George McGovern has urged that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama join together. The name of McGovern’s letter is “Jungle Fever II.”

Whoa Babs
More wild stuff coming out of Barbara Walter’s autobiography “Audition.” For example, remember President Wilson? Apparently Barbara didn’t call him Woodrow for nothing.

Fierce times
“American Idol” is down to the final three, the “Sex and the City” movie opens in two weeks and “High School Musical 3” is coming out in the Fall; in short, this is the greatest time to be gay since “Make Me a Super Model” debuted.

No, not really
In a handwritten letter to be auctioned, Albert Einstein called the bible “Pretty childish.” Specifically the book in the old testament named Doo-doo-teronomy.

Kinda sorta
Is it just me or is Hillary Clinton starting to resemble the dinner guest who is still there when you are brushing your teeth and setting your alarm clock?

Who knew?
More stuff coming out of Barbara Walter’s autobiography “Audition.” In 1982, Barbara killed a hitchhiker in Winslow, Arizona just for his Members Only jacket.

Since you asked:
If you are looking for a great thing to do for a few nights, climb aboard and buy the “Lonesome Dove” DVD. It is so awesome. My lovely wife Virginia had to ask me to stop talking about how awesome it is when it started. Opening scene. Cut to: Two pigs fighting over a dead rattlesnake. Are you kidding me? How great is that?

The only slight negative is there are parts that drag. Especially the scenes with Anjelica Huston. Her character is way too hammy and she chews up a ton of scenery right when the action grinds to a crawl. But hang in there, the action always picks right back up again.

Warning: many, many tear-jerking moments. One that really grabbed me this viewing was when Gus (Robert Duval was amazing) was reading what Call (So was Tommy Lee Jones) wrote on Josh Deets’s (beautifully played by Danny Glover) grave marker. Gus stoically chokes up when he gets to the part that says;

“He was cheerful in all weathers. Never shirked a task. Splendid behavior.”

Dammit, now I gotta go get a tissue.

Thank you eternally “LD” author Larry McMurtry, and Robert Duvall’s portrayal of Gus McCrae for supplying me with the blue print on how to end up be a feisty ol’ gent.

More great Gus lines:

(When asked about Jake Spoon)
“Jake’s busy being Jake, it’s, it’s a full time job.”

(Playing poker with the boys)
“Get ready to shed a tear, girls.”

(When somebody comments about how old Deets’s hat is)
“Deets ain’t one to quit in a garment due to age.”

(Responding to Pee Eye declaration of never getting married and having kids)
“I’m sure it’s all part of God’s plan, Pee.”

(After Call laments that they should have shot sooner to save Deets)
“By God, Call, I can’t think of all things we should have done for that good man.”

(Riding off after the vintage scene in the San Antonio bar)
“Whacking a surly bartender ain’t much of a crime.”

(To Newt on why he quit being a waiter on a paddleboat)
"Well I was too young and pretty and the whores wouldn't let me alone."

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

We gonna jack that ‘tater and go yard out the ball park, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
Queen Elisabeth II’s granddaughter, Zara Phillips, qualified for the Beijing Olympics as an Equestrian. It was a little awkward, when he heard Queen Elisabeth’s granddaughter was an Equestrian, President Bush said; “Hey, Cheney’s daughter is one too. Nothing wrong with it.”

Kinda rough
Did everyone have a good mother’s day? It was a rough day for me. I read in Barbara Walter’s book “Audition” that Barbara was my real mother and she put me up for adoption.

Not nice
You know what is the best Mother’s Day present? Something homemade. The worst Mother’s Day Present? A card that says “Happy Mother’s Day, you owe me $40 for the gas to get here.”

Or something like that
A former crony of OJ Simpson has written a book that claims a stoned OJ confessed to the murders. I think the title of the book is; “Duh, We Already Know He Did It, Dumb-ass.”

Gosh, this won’t be too much of a problem
HBO’s NFL training camp show “Hard Knocks” will film the Dallas Cowboys in Oxnard, California; gosh, Terrell Owens with 24-hour-a-day access to unlimited camera time. What could possibly go wrong there?

Off key
Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo sang “Take me Out to the Ballgame” at the Chicago Cubs-Arizona Diamondback game. To give you an idea how bad Romo’s singing was, Simon Cowell was spinning in the coffin he sleeps in during the day.

No problem
First daughter Jenna Bush got married outdoors at the Bush Crawford Texas ranch Saturday. Now I know what you’re thinking, an outside wedding in Texas can be ruined by birds, right? Wrong, Dick Cheney shot them all.

Not easy
The Reverend Al Sharpton Jr. owes the IRS over a million-and-a-half dollars in back taxes; the challenging part for Al will be trying to prove that Uncle Sam is a racist.

Not a good sign
It is getting pathetically sad at the Hillary Clinton campaign. Hillary’s campaign workers are volunteering to go out for Starbucks and not coming back.

That explains it
Charlie Sheen is getting married for the third time; you know what this means? His credit card was declined.

Charlie Sheen is getting married for the third time; hey Charlie, my cell phone number is 858-701-9899. This isn’t a joke, I want to be invited to the bachelor party.

Since you asked:
Don't you just love it when celebrities go on talk shows, which I am pretty sure they comprehend people watch them on TV's at home, and don't talk about the one thing everyone wants them to talk about?

For example, Tony Romo goes into the booth at Wrigley Field after butchering "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" so badly it wasn't even laughable and not only doesn't he talk about what a crappy job he did singing, he refuses to mention Jessica Simpson. If Tony Romo does not have a football in his hands, dating Jessica Simpson is the only thing mildly interesting about him.

As the man might say it himself, I stand behind no man in my admiration of the David Letterman. But I will never, ever, understand his incessant need to suck up to Paris Hilton. Please, Dave, I am begging you, let that skank go away, for the love of decency.