Here we use only sustainable, organic and gluten-free seasonal jokes. Comedy, satire, sports, editor and occasional cooking tips writer, Alex Kaseberg. E-mail to alex.kaseberg@gmail.com
Is it just me, or does Anthony look like Courtney Cox after transitioning to a man?
Scarimucci, Scaramucci can you do the fandango, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?
****
It is National Junk Food Day. We need a National Junk Food day like Chris Christie needs to close something.
****
"Sean Spicer" resigned as White House spokesperson. Anthony Scaramucci is his replacement. Scaramucci is an Italian word that means "I don't want this job."
New White House spokesperson, Anthony Scaramucci, said is he has seen Donald Trump throw a football through a tire, sink free throws and three-foot putts. Does everyone else feel as reassured as I do?
New White House spokesperson, Antony Scaramucci, said is he has seen Donald Trump throw a football through a tire, sink free throws and three-foot putts. And he struck out the Whammer in three pitches. Oh, wait, that was “The Natural.”
"Sean Spicer" resigned as White House spokesperson. Anthony Scaramucci is his replacement. We think they said Scaramucci is Spicer’s replacement. It was hard to hear over Spicer’s screaming for joy.
****
Remember Minn. dentist, Walter Palmer, who killed beloved lion, Cecil, on safari? One year ago, he had his boat stolen. He has since replace it with the Douche Bagger II.
****
The owner of the OJ chase scene Ford White Bronco stands to make a huge profit now that OJ is getting out. Like OJ, he will make a killing.
****
The owner of the Nevada Bunny Ranch brothel, Dennis Hof, has offered OJ Simpson a job as a greeter, but his prostitutes have threatened to quit if OJ takes it. That has to hurt when women say, “I’ll have sex with ten guys, but working with OJ? No way.”
****
Kevin Hart is laughing off rumors he cheated on his pregnant wife. Glad he says he did not do that, it would take a pretty small man to cheat on a pregnant wife.
****
OJ Simpson will be free in October and he is moving to Florida. When OJ moves to Florida, the psycho factor of Florida will go down. And OJ is a double-murderer.
Since you asked:
There are some smells in life that permeate your memory.
The spilled beer and distant cigar and cigarette smoke mixed with the taste of caramel popcorn and hot dogs with mustard at Wrigley Field.
The smoke from charcoal burning in a Webber mixed with the gunpowder of cheap fireworks and sparklers on a humid Fourth of July night.
Ocean mixed with grilled briny and buttery lobsters and hot, homemade flour tortillas at a beach restaurant in Rosarito, Mexico.
The egg roll scent of a Chinese restaurant.
The hardware store. The sporting goods store.
Coppertone suntan lotion, chlorine pool water with cheeseburgers and onions grilling nearby at my grandmother's Audubon club Louisville pool.
A brand new pair of Adidas on Christmas morning.
The French Bakery in the morning just a block up Elm Street from my house.
A wet, happy dog.
Hot chocolate on a frozen night at the skating rink.
The freshly cut grass of a football field on a crisp Fall morning.
Grilled hot dogs, cold watermelon and a baseball mitt at a picnic.
What we are watching with Donald J. Trump is a living version of the assassination of JFK.
People can downplay the instincts and cognitive ability of five-year-old children all they want, the fact is I had strong impressions and insights about the assassination of John F. Kennedy when I was a 5-year-old child
When you’re five, most of your world is your mother, and my mother loved John F. Kennedy in the purest sense. So I strongly felt her grief and depression. And then I sensed the grief and depression outside of our house. Namely at kindergarten.
Democrat or Republican, people were proud of John F. Kennedy. He looked like we thought our country was: young, handsome, smart, witty and a brave war hero. He was the perfect leader to take us into space. My dad was a republican and he felt that way too. We were so hopeful.
So when this personification of our country was shot in the head in a Ford by a stupid piece of crazy, smirking human trash, it was too much to bare. It was simply too unfair. It was also embarrassing that such a loser could kill our president. That is why we invented so many conspiracies.
Donald Trump is the living version of the same thing. How can the one job that symbolizes the best we have to offer be held by such a clownish, bullying, dense, sexist, oafish, classless buffoon?
And utterly, utterly humorless. It is embarrassing. Something tells me this is the calm before the storm for Trump. And with Spicer, a big ol' rat just jumped off the ship.
Surreal artist, Salvador Dali’s bones will be exhumed for DNA to settle a paternity suit. Oh, I don’t know if they have to do that. Here is her picture:
Yes, airlines are awful. Especially Spirit Airlines whose customer service is downright hateful. But for every story of airline abuse, you have to remember there are ten of these morons.
The rumor is OJ Simpson’s parole hearing could be cancelled because he was caught masturbating. This story is not true. It is fake spews.
That means the only jerk-off in the news is still Donald Trump Jr.
This could also hurt sales of “The Juice is Loose” t-shirts.
****
A “People” article claims Donald Trump Jr. is miserable since his father became president. On the bright side, Don Jr. got one right on a Name The US President’s test.
****
Chris Christie catches a foul ball at the Mets game and gets booed. In retrospect, maybe he shouldn't have eaten the ball.
****
They have finally identified the eighth person at the Donald Trump Jr. Russian meeting. It was Jeffie Covfefy.
****
Sales of Caitlyn Jenner’s book, “The Secrets of My Life,” are not good. It is in the discount bin with Donald Trump Jr.’s, “The Art of the Russian Deal,” and Hillary Clinton’s “Political Success Using Humility.”
****
The rumor is OJ Simpson’s parole hearing could be cancelled because he was caught masturbating. This story is not true. If he did not choke the bird, his parole should be heard.
If he did not five-knuckle-shuffle, he did not cause a kerfuffle. ****NBC has launched a news service called, “Stay Tuned,” on Snapchat. This is perfect for covering stories that are ten-seconds long, like our president’s attention span. ****A betting investigation believes some of the matches at Wimbledon were fixed. It is so corrupt, Wimbledon could become a subsidiary of FIFA. Looking back, it was a little unusual when Serena Williams won three matches and she is out being pregnant. Can’t those damn Russians stay out of anything? Since you asked: There is a TV show I am familiar with on cable that is currently being watched by 200,000* of the only demographic advertisers care about, 18-49. This show charges the standard national cable $25,000 for a 30 second commercial. (These numbers are educated guesses) If I am In-N-Out Burger, with the vast majority of my restaurants in California, and I advertise on that show, each person watching in California would have to spend a minimum of $5 each at In-N-Out for me to break even for running that commercial. (Not including production costs) There are many things I do not understand, how aircraft carriers float; how light bulbs go on; how ten lanes of California 405 freeway can be stopped dead in both directions, and how one million people don’t suddenly decide to show up at Dan Tana’s restaurant any given night. But I really do not understand how a show with a rumored budget of $70 million - about a tad less than half of that is staff salary and a tad less than half of that staff salary is the star's salary - that is seen by 200,000 people, ages 18-49, can stay in business.
*The most recent Nielson ratings were much lower than that, but because it was the 4th of July and they were showing reruns, we will give them the benefit of the doubt.
At the Cardinals-Mets game, New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie, caught a foul ball, gave the ball to a kid and was still booed. After being booed, Christie ordered the ball park closed.
"Laughter is the best medicine," say people who have not used Preparation H on hemorrhoids Caitlyn Jenner is interested in running for the Senate. Despite the fact that her filibuster has been cut off. Trump Care fails, both Donald and Donald Jr. under FBI investigation, Trump’s ratings at 70-year low. Right now the White House is sentimental for when the British burned it down. When asked how he felt about Trump Care being voted down, Donald Trump said he wasn’t angry, just disappointed. Next he’ll say we weren't applying ourselves. A proverb said, “I cursed the fact I had no shoe until I saw a man with no foot.” And then I said, I bet that guy is hopping mad.
Donald Trump’s approval rating is the lowest of any president in 70 years. And Jimmy Carter’s administration gave us disco. In Georgia, 10,000 people lost power when a snake got into the power plant’s transformer. Authorities are telling people not to get rattled. They should shed this problem. Since you asked: Cochise Harbor is my new band.
To get an NFL team interested, Michael Vick said Colin Kaepernick needs to cut his hair. Wow. I can’t believe Michael dogged him like that.
****
After his cameo on “Game of Thrones,” Ed Sheeran deleted his Twitter account. “None of those words make any sense,” said my Aunt Nellie.
****
Dallas Cowboy, Ezekiel Elliott, under investigation for domestic abuse and involved in two car crashes, was also in a bar fight. Luckily for Elliott, his “Feed Me” gesture works when asking for bail money.
****
OJ Simpson may be paroled on Thursday. OJ is a lot heavier, so guard the donut shops because OJ is going to look for the real crullers.
****
ESPN is going to broadcast OJ Simpson’s Thursday parole hearing. ESPN now stands for Especially Suspect Parole Nonsense.
"Both Bush statues had to be treated for a nasty STD." Or "Although smiling for the camera, Bill Clinton could not hide his disappointment in being told where he could get inside of two bushes." Tesla CEO Elon Musk says Artificial Intelligence is the "greatest risk we face as a civilization.” Well, after the Kardashians.
That or the people who put all those little stickers on apples and tomatoes.
The Nadi X yoga pants vibrate when you’re in the wrong position. Or as I call them in my yoga class: pants that constantly vibrate. The Chicago Cubs scored 27 runs in 27 innings against Baltimore. It is easier for the Cubs to score against the Orioles than it is for the NBA to score at a Kardashian reunion.
In golf, the John Deere Classic was this weekend. As in “Oh Deere, I have no idea who these guys are.”
Since you asked:
The 2018 World Cup is in Russia? Now how did that happen? Let’s see. FIFA is a known corrupt organization repeatedly charged with taking bribes. Russia, under Putin, is a known briber, colluder and meddler in all affairs.
Hmm. That’s a tricky one.
"Gay of Thrones" is hilarious. Baby Kay-Stew for Arya? Awesome My amendments would be: Sansa Stark - Ginger Mila Kunis Arya - Trans Haley Joel-Osmont Tyrion - Mini-Me Jon Hamm Davos - Heartburn Charlie Rose Theon - Dickless Mick (Jagger) Jon Snow - Non-Annoying Hipster Ramsey - Pre-dog-poop
The Game of Thrones Cast As Imagined by ‘Gay of Thrones’
One of my favorite things about watching Game of Thrones is getting to watch “Gay of Thrones” — Funny or Die’s video recapsstarring hairstylist Jonathan Van Ness (a real-life stylist at Stile Salon in Brentwood, California) — afterwards. In every episode, he recaps the show for a different client, including Alfie Allen, a.k.a. Theon, and most recently, celebrity fashion stylist Brad Goreski. This is Westeros translated into a gay kiki argot, with entertaining digressions into Nancy Kerrigan versus Tonya Harding and Whitney Houston anthems. You don’t have to be gay (or even a GoT fan) to get into this.
Best of all are the names he gives to each character, which are uncannily dead on, often offensive, and ridiculously funny. There is Jamie Lannister as “Brother D” (short for Brother Daddy), Shae as “Capital City Celine,” and Ygritte as “that beautiful ginger bitch from Downton Abbey.” Herewith is the latest episode, along with a list of all the characters of Game of Thrones as dubbed by the Gay of Thrones:
House Lannister
Cersei: “blonde Cher” Tyrion: “the Munchkin” Jamie: “the incestuous boy,” “the incestuous twin with this fucking stump,” or “Brother D” (Brother Daddy) Joffrey: “that little power bottom queen King Joffrey” Tywin: “Deity” or “Daddy Lannister” Sansa: “the busted redhead” Tommen: “new baby power bottom”
Brienne: “Did Tilda Swinton eat a pig?” Lord Varys: “this Dr. Evil motherfucker with his pedophile sorcerer catching weird like I am going to fucking cut your entire mouth up and put you in a wooden coffin” Bronn: “the greasy guy with the long hair, which I was kinda feeling that long hair on him — it was kind of fetch”; or, “the helper” Shae: “Capital City Celine” Ros: “the redheaded prostitute” Podrick: “pussy popping Podrick” Oberyn Martell: “Mr. Sofia Vergara” Ellaria Sand: “Capital City’s J.Lo” Olyver: “brothel Aaron Carter”
House Baratheon
Melisandre: “Stevie Nicks Red Riding Hood” or “evil Gloria Estefan” Selyse Baratheon: “the crazy bitch with the dead babies” Shireen Baratheon: “baby Galapagos,” “dragon face”
House Targaryen
Daenerys Targaryen: “Christina Aguilera” Jorah Mormont: “Sir Carlisle” (from Downton Abbey) Missandei: “her lesbian Afro girl” Grey Worm: “baby Barack Obama” Old Daario (played by Ed Skrein): “vintage Smith Jared from Sex and the City” New Daario (played by Michiel Huisman): “busted Josh Groban”
House Bolton
Ramsay Snow: “that fucking bitch,” “that evil brunette motherfucker,” or “malevolent Enrique Iglesias” Roose Bolton: “Julio Iglesias” Theon: Van Ness just refers to Theon as Theon, or sometimes, “my little baby Theon.” It probably helps that Alfie Allen came onto the show for a recap. Watch below.
Walder Frey: “leather rawhide face Lord Frey”
House Stark
Arya Stark: “little baby Kristen Stewart” The Hound: “Dog the bounty hunter” or “Left Eye” Gendry: “King Robert’s hot bastard son” Polliver: “aggro Sinead O’ Connor” Bran: “the baby paraplegic” or “baby Miss Cleo” Catelyn Stark: “that slightly less attractive version of Stevie Nicks Red Riding Hood” (See: Melisandre) Talisa: “Winterfell Lady Gaga” Osha: “busted homeless Giuliana Rancic”
The Wall
Samwell Tarly: “Tubby Lubby” Night’s Watch council: “panel of haggard queens” Ygritte: “that beautiful ginger bitch from Downton Abbey” Styr: “alabaster Seal” White Walkers: “the white twerkers”
