Saturday morning caffeine fueled rant

Y’all ain’t gonna believe what happened. Somebody in the Washington, DC has been monitoring my blog and, long story short, a guy in the White House – no lie, the White Freakin’ House - was checking on Dick Cheney jokes on the Google, saw my stuff, passed it on and, well, for three months starting in May, I am going to be writing one liners for Dick Cheney and his staff for their speeches.

Can you believe that? Can you freakin’ believe that? Three months at the Ritz Carleton with an expense account, a driver, an assistant and tickets to any and all National games and a hefty pay check. I am still in shock. I will try to update the blog but, from what I understand, they are going to be working me pretty hard.

Oh, and happy April 1, 2006.

The grilled crab quesadillas with mango and avocado relish were amazing. My daughter said something I don’t think I had said at her age:

“I really love it with the fresh mangos.”

Great day. Saw “Crash” last night. Wow, wow, and wow. Sort of expected another Hollywood self-indulgent “Grand Canyon” view from the elite Pacific Palisades suburban left, but nobody got off easy in this amazing L.A. culture clash. The movie ripped bandages off the bigots who wallow in their belief in stereotypes as well as the minorities who slink down to cause those stereotypes. It shows that all people are capable of great pettiness, evil and hatred as well as redemption, greatness and nobility.

Matt Dillon’s stock soared in this movie. The toughest job to pull off in a movie is to make people hate you and then get them to feel empathy. (Think Allister Sims in “Christmas Carol.”) Sandra Bullock also did a great job as the snotty and bored angry soccer mom type and we feel her humanity at the end. Although some parts of the movie start to seem predictable, but trust me, like life, nothing goes the easy or sappy way. Cheadle was amazing.

Today I went for a great run on a cool day. Perfect day to watch sports all day, Lefty Phil putting on a clinic and the Cubs and Pads and then the awesome, awesome NCAA. Perfect time to try my Pulled Pork recipe, as it takes four hours on the grill.

GO UCLA!

Can I just say one thing?


Go U.C.L.A!

We got us our crazy nasty on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Huh?
The NFL has cracked down on end zone celebrations. To which the Houston Texans asked; “What’s an end zone celebration?”

The Minnesota Vikings agree with the NFL’s crack down on end zone celebrations; the Vikings feel touchdowns should only be celebrated where they belong, when drunk on a yacht with hookers.

A true B.S. degree
The oceanfront University of California at Santa Barbara offers a class in pornography. So you can be at the beach studying porn to earn your Kevin Federline degree.

Varoom
Major League Baseball starts on Sunday. Gentlemen, start your steroids.

Why, Cubbies, why?
The Chicago Cubs will start the season with their two star right handers, Mark Prior and Kerry Wood, on the disabled list; the Cubs are the only team where E.R.A. doesn’t stand for Earned Run Average, it stands for: Expectations Reduced Already.

Major League Baseball starts on Sunday. To get an early jump on the season, the Chicago Cubs announced that, although they are disappointed in their performance this season, they do expect to do better the next year.

Major League Baseball starts on Sunday. This is a tough time for Barry Bonds. He can’t decide whether to start the season by cheating with steroids or lying about taking them.

After all of the endless testimony and proof of steroid use, Major League Baseball has announced they are going to investigate steroid use in baseball. In a related story, the city of Seattle announced they are going to investigate rumors of rain.

Or something like that
Andrew Card resigned as White House Chief of Staff. (And just when things were going so well)
This is the political equivalent of the Titanic firing their pastry chef.

Andrew Card resigned as White House Chief of Staff. Card said he wanted to spend more time with his family and he expects to lower their approval rating down to 30% in no time.

Ratings for “The Sopranos” are way down this season. To give you an idea how low, if “The Sopranos” ratings go any lower, they will have to air it on NBC.

Good news
Great news in Iraq, terrorists released kidnapped reporter Jill Carroll and she is fine; honestly, the news couldn’t be any better unless they kidnapped Geraldo Rivera.


A first
Dick Cheney got a lot of laughs at the Radio and Television Correspondent’s Association dinner. This also marks the first time in history the words Dick Cheney and a lot of laughs have ever appeared together.

Seriously, Dick Cheney was killing them at the Radio and Television Correspondent’s Association dinner. No, really, he had a shot gun and he was killing them.

Dick Cheney got a lot of laughs at the Radio and Television Correspondent’s Association dinner. Fair is fair, you would laugh to if you were told to and you had a shot gun pointed at your head.


Trouble in paradise
Rumor has it that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are fighting. Apparently Brad and Angelina are both growing tired of the other one yelling out their own name during sex.

Rumor has it that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are fighting. It’s no wonder, when Brad first dated Angelina, she was a brunette Paris Hilton guzzling champagne and having wild sex, now Angelina is the starving-baby-adopting, African fly swatting Hollywood Mother Teresa.

Reportedly Angelina nags Brad about his smoking and Brad would like Angelina to go an entire month without adopting another starving baby.

Since you asked:
Man, oh man, I love California. Today we had our windows replaced as the first part of a total remodel – yes, my life will be a living hell for two months – with the front door wide open along with all of the windows open or out, not one bug came into the house all day.

If this had happened back in my home state of Illinois on a day this warm, we would have to have turned the house into an entomology exhibit.

Remember that flank steak recipe?

http://www.emerils.com/recipes/by_name/grilled_marinated_flank_steaks.html

Last night I did it for the first time after marinating for 24 hours. Oh . . . my. . . word. What a difference. It was awesome. Grilled that bad boy on high for about eleven minutes turning it 90 degrees after about three minutes, and then flipping it and then turning it 90 degrees again for the sexy cross marks.

The sauce was like chocolate for steaks. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Tonight? Grilled Lobster Quesadillas with mango and avocado salsa/relish.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,1977,FOOD_9936_28202,00.html

It is hard out here

Yeah? Well that’s what she said, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

From Janice and Lex collaboration productions
Dick Cheney’s approval rating is 18%. It is so bad that, at this point, the only way Cheney could improve his popularity is if he shot himself.

That was fast
The A.P. reported that a patron at a Burger King in Palmdale CA was charged $4,334.33 — instead of $4.33 — on his debit card for four hamburgers. Burger King immediately reimbursed the customer and the cashier was immediately promoted to president of Chevron Oil.

Who knew?
There is a workers strike all across France; The worst part? It took two days before anyone noticed the French workers were actually striking and not just ignoring customers as usual.
  
Adds up
A “Time” survey reveals that 74% of women said women on spring break use alcohol to fuel public displays of lascivious behavior. The other 26% were too busy getting all nasty for Jager shots.

People, people who schtup people
A new book reveals that Barbra Streisand has had many, many celebrity affairs including Prince Charles, Bill Clinton and Richard Gere and everyone in between. If it’s true people who need people are the luckiest people, Barbra has got to be about the luckiest bitch on the planet.  

Saying something
“Rolling Stone” named “CSI: Miami” star David Caruso as the worst actor on television. That is quite an accomplishment what with “Joey” still on the air.

Bad year for Jacko
It really has been a rough year for Michael Jackson and it just got worse. Today Michael found out he was left off of the “FHM” magazine’s 100 sexiest women list.


The statue is so lifelike, unlike Kevin
An art gallery in New York will unveil a controversial life-size sculpture of Britney Spears crouched on all fours on a bear skin rug as she gives birth to Sean Preston. The detail is amazing, it has a statue of Kevin Federline lying on the couch, hands down his pants and smoking a joint.

Perfect
In France hundreds of thousands rioted against tougher labor laws. And what could possibly be a more effective way of demonstrating against laws designed to create a better work force than ditching work to destroy property?

Hate to hear that
In London, singer Tom Jones was knighted to Sir Tom Jones. It was a little embarrassing, after he knelt before Queen Elizabeth, she threw her underwear at him and they knocked Jones unconscious.



Caution
Researchers in London are developing a birth control pill that would eliminate P.M.S. in women. There is a disclaimer: warning, eliminating PMS in some women, like Hillary Clinton, could result in a coma.


Record setting
The first Beer Health center opened in the Czech republic that has a pool filled with beer. In a related story, the beer filled pool was just the site of the world’s longest game of Marco Polo.

The first Beer Health center opened in the Czech republic that has a pool filled with beer. It’s a great place to take a romantic date. You jump in the beer pool and when you get out, your date looks much more beautiful and you suddenly feel romantic.

The hardest job is being a lifeguard at the beer pool. Guys who are drowning don’t want to be saved.

So proud of my beloved alma mater
The University of California at Santa Barbara offers a class in pornography. Guys, it brings a whole new meaning to the term: a pop quiz.

How embarrassing would it be for a guy to flunk a class in pornography? “For some reason I just couldn’t get a grip on the material.”

The University of California at Santa Barbara offers a class in pornography.  Talk about bringing back high school memories. “Come up here and show your work on the board” “Uh, no teacher, can I just sit here and think about baseball box scores for a while?”

In a related story UC Santa Barbara has just announced that Bill Clinton will be a guest lecturer.

“Class is over, you can go now.” “Teacher, can I just sit here for a while and think about bowling?”

This porno class brings a whole new meaning to the expression cramming all night for a test.

“So, did you study for the pornography class?” “Did I? I studied hard.”

At University of California at Santa Barbara, there is a class in pornography. Don’t kid yourself, it is not an easy class. The grading is pretty stiff.

Since you asked:
So I know what you’re asking, you’re asking, Lex, Lex, Lex, you rapscallion, you rogue, you demigod, you bon vivant man-about-town scallywag freakin’ lousy one night motherfizzy stand, what the hell are you doing tonight?

Glad you asked. Going to work out like a beast, catch the end of my daughter kicking some serious under eight soccer butt and then grill me a marinated flank steak and watch me some big ol’ gorilla flick. Yes, that’s right, “King Kong” night here. Dat’s right, we getting’ our monkey on up in this here this here.

For the flank steak recipe check here:
http://www.emerils.com/recipes/by_name/grilled_marinated_flank_steaks.html

It is hard out here

We gonna back yo’ play like back in the day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Amusant juste avec mes amis nouveaux et merveilleux Français
There was a workers strike all across France; for the first time in France, workers stopped working long before their deodorant did.

There was a workers strike all across France; to show how bad it was, even American tourists began to notice that their waiters weren’t working.

There was a workers strike in France; so all across France, people just quit what they were doing and went home, so it was a pretty typical day for the French army.

Healthy Pigs
Scientist have cloned pigs to make pork that is healthier than fish. “Hey, you going to the gym?” “Nahh, for my work out I’ll just sit here and eat these healthy pork rinds.”

Bow Wow Juice
They now have a vitamin fortified bottled water for dogs. It comes in three flavors that dogs love, open garbage can, buried bone and newly arriving house guest’s butt.

It comes in a special toilet bowl shaped container.

They now have a vitamin fortified bottled water for dogs. And for a limited time, buy the vitamin dog water and get a free “I am an utter moron” t-shirt.

There is a new vitamin infused water for dogs. I think it’s called “Why Everyone Hates the US”

That explains it
Due to the steroid controversy, Barry Bonds says his life is in shambles; Bonds saying his life is in shambles sounds bad until you find out that his new mistress is named Heather Shambles.

Good news
Tax time is coming up. There is some good news this tax season, Dick Cheney is going quail hunting with an IRS agent.

That explains it, 2
Philadelphia Eagles linebacker Dhani Jones was arrested in Miami when he allegedly refused to stop dancing in the street. Jones doesn’t deny the charge but, like the rest of the Philadelphia Eagles, he has not been able to stop dancing since the Eagles got rid of Terrell Owens.


New category of A-Hole
According to testimony, Zacharias Moussaoui was to participate on the terrorist attacks on September 11 but quarreled with heads of al Qaeda; how much of a pain-in-the-ass are you when you can’t get along with a bunch of psycho terrorists?

Have fun with that
Russell Pleasant, one of four ESPN.com contestants (of three million) to correctly pick the final four teams, on how he picked George Mason; “I got them confused with George Washington.” If Pleasant wins, he plans to use the money to visit our nation’s capital of Mason DC.

Babs gets around
A new book reveals that Barbra Streisand has had many celebrity affairs including Prince Charles, Bill Clinton and Richard Gere. How many affairs did Streisand have? Let’s just say that even Paris Hilton is calling her a slut.

A new book reveals that Barbra Streisand had an affair with Prince Charles. Can you imagine if those two had a kid? Its ears and nose would make Dumbo jealous.

No worries
This year I may not pay any taxes but I am not worried. Like Florida sex offender teacher Debra LaFave, I’m too pretty to go to jail.

Global warming
“Time” magazine reveals that 86% think global warming is happening. The other 14% couldn’t comment because, at the time, they were too busy shoveling snow.

I didn’t know that
Australia has a new union for strippers. You know, in Australia, when you give money to a stripper, it goes down the drain the opposite way.

Good to hear
Sharon Stone said when she had her brain operation she almost crossed over to the other side; but she is OK so, thankfully, we can keep watching her legs cross over to the other side.

A higher clientele
Wal Mart has made an upscale store in Plano Texas for wealthier customers; instead of white trash, this store is designed to appeal to the color Eggshell Trash.

Not qualified to be bad
“Rolling Stone” named CSI: Miami star David Caruso as the worst actor on television. This is after they decided that what Matthew LaBlanc does on “Joey” is so bad it doesn’t count as acting.

Sexy girls
Scarlett Johannson topped “FHM” magazine’s 100 sexiest women poll; who was the 100th sexiest woman? Clay Aiken.

Since you asked:

How many are old enough to remember that annoying early multi-task pioneer who looked into the camera while sipping her coffee and reading the paper to announce she was cleaning her oven?

No, it was not the first feminine hygiene ad, it was an ad for a self cleaning oven. Anyway, she was always so smug and pleased with herself, I was always envious.

Well, Slats and Nuggies, I am charging my iPod.

No lie, I look at the iPod battery like a cowboy looked at the water in his canteen when crossing the Mojave. The other night, I downloaded songs from iTunes then went to band rehearsal, played the songs off my iPod in their speakers, then we rehearsed the songs and then I came home and listened to the iPod to learn the lyrics. This is not a fib, I am an absolute iPod whore.

I work out to the iPod, I listen to tunes while working, I cook with the iPod on the portable speakers and then, if I am having trouble falling asleep, I listen to the iPod in bed.

My name is Alex. (“Hello Alex”) and I’m an iPodaholic.

If I had to nominate a perfect song for the American West it would have to be, without any doubt, “Pancho and Lefty” by Townes Van Zandt sung by Emmylou Harris. Amazing lyrics and perfect tone. The woman has the voice of an angel. The song captures the sense of adventure and sadness and rebellion that characterizes the West.

As we all know only too well, especially my new and critical Frog friends, I am no expert in great writing, but I dare anyone to find an unnecessary word in this here:

Living on the road my friend
Was gonna keep you free and clean
Now you wear your skin like iron
Your breath's as hard as kerosene
You weren't your mama's only boy
But her favorite one it seems
She began to cry when you said goodbye
And sank into your dreams

Pancho was a bandit boys
His horse was fast as polished steel
Wore his gun outside his pants
For all the honest world to feel
Pancho met his match you know
On the deserts down in Mexico
Nobody heard his dying words
That's the way it goes

All the federales say
They could have had him any day
They only let him hang around
Out of kindness I suppose

Lefty he can't sing the blues
All night long like he used to
The dust that Pancho bit down south
Ended up in Lefty's mouth
The day they laid poor Pancho low
Lefty split for OhioWhere he got the bread to go
There ain't nobody knows

All the federales say
They could have had him any day
They only let him slip away
Out of kindness I suppose

The poets tell how Pancho fell
Lefty's livin' in a cheap hotel
The desert's quiet and Cleveland's cold
So the story ends we're told
Pancho needs your prayers it's true,
But save a few for Lefty too
He just did what he had to do
Now he's growing old

A few gray federales say
They could have had him any day
They only let him go so wrong
Out of kindness I suppose


Since you asked:

You know what this blog needs? More physical comedy. Oh yes, physical comedy has its place and anyone who says differently is taking an intellectual stance. No less great comedy mind than Conan O’Brien has said that it is important to remember that nothing is funnier than somebody trying to draw attention to themselves and accidentally getting moderately hurt. (My buddy Kevin Perron dancing on the bar at his hometown watering hole, bending over to take his pants off and then standing up in his boxers to say “Tah Dah!” just before whacking his head on the ceiling fan and getting knocked clean off the bar is a good example)

Proof that physical comedy will always be alive and well is the fact that males - how know only too well the utter agony that is getting hit in the testicles - still laugh hysterically whenever anyone else gets hit in the testicles.

The question is, how do you insert physical comedy in blog that is nothing but boring text combined with a few lame recipes?

vljsfsgopweiofjlbf. Ouch, I just whacked my forehead on the keyboard. (rub, rub, rub)

But it’s a start.

It is hard out here

Oh, snap, no we di’’nt, aight, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?



Tony come back
In “The Sopranos”, Tony emerges from his coma. The problem is that Tony lapses back into his coma when told George Mason beat U. Conn to advance to the final four.

To give you an idea how much of a long shot they are to be in the final four, George Mason was only slightly favored over actor James Mason, and he died in 1984.

UCLA defeated Memphis 50-45. To give you an idea how low that is there is more scoring at a comic book convention.

There is a term for people who claim to have picked George Mason in their final four of NCAA men’s college basketball tournament: Liars.


Ouch
Actor Randy Quaid is suing the producers of “Brokeback Mountain” claiming he didn’t get paid enough; Quaid is upset because, unlike the two lead actors of “Brokeback Mountain” Quaid didn’t get a piece of the back end.


Since you asked:
So what do I think are the tree most genuine and heart-felt heart break songs? Number one? The Rolling Stones aren’t known for love songs but it is hard to beat “Wild Horses.” Sincerity, pain, touching.

You want angst, I can give you angst. Eric Clapton’s “Bellbottom Blues.” You can hear the tears in the guitar solo.

Concrete Blondes “Joey” is very heart-rendering.

Used to be awesome but now sucks
On my total list of “Things that were awesome but now suck” I have to put going to the movies as the one that has fallen the furthest.

When I was a kid, what was better than going to a movie? Nothing. And we stood in line outside in the cold. Now I won’t go if I can’t find a parking spot close enough.

Forgot about the obscene ticket price – about the same as buying the DVD – and the hosing at the popcorn stand – nine bucks for a popcorn and diet coke – when did commercials come into the picture? And let’s not forget the a-hole yammering on his cell phone, the couple with the crying baby that won’t leave and the fact that every single movie is at least twenty minutes too long.

You punks get off my lawn.