Oh yeah we gonna sta

Merry Christmas, Slats and Nuggies and Happy Holidays and a Happy Chanukah and a Happy New Year and a Happy Kwanza, and a Happy Festivus. Or is it a Merry Festivus? I can never remember.  Thanks for checking in.  



Happy Holiday Eve everybody.

It turns out the amount of wire tapping by the NSA without warrants was much larger than the White House suggested. In their defense, the White House claims they were just trying to help Santa confirm his naughty and nice list.  

Clogged
Did everyone have a good Christmas? My Christmas was a little rough. Santa Claus couldn’t climb down my chimney, Kevin Federline was crashing in it.


Any last minute Christmas shoppers? Next year, don’t forget: Seven Eleven is always open and they now serve sushi. Nothing says Christmas quite like a three day old spicy tuna roll.


‘Tis the Season
Britney Spears is suing “US Weekly” over a story that she and Kevin Federline are worried about their raunchy bedroom video getting on the Internet; and let’s face it, nothing says the holiday spirit quite like suing a sleazy tabloid over a nasty sex video.


Witnesses say Britney Spears and Kevin Federline had a huge fight while in a theater to see “Memoirs of a Geisha.” Britney got upset when the movie showed that men pay women to have sex. Kevin told Britney it was the other way around.

Creepy
Have you seen the Burger King commercials with that weird King? Has anyone told Burger King that their commercial King is absolutely the creepiest thing in the entire world? Honestly, that Burger King King makes the evil doll Chuckie look like a choir boy.


A hard lesson
It was sad to hear that Fox NFL announcer Terry Bradshaw’s Texas house burned to the ground; poor Terry, he had to learn the hard way that flammable and inflammable are the same thing.


Fire marshals are inspecting the cause of the Terry Bradshaw house fire. The one thing they know that did not cause the fire? A hair dryer.

Do the math
Canada has passed a law making group sex legal in nightclubs; group sex isn’t easy, instead of fore play you have to deal with twenty four play.

Warning
Women, you might not be in for a great New Year if your husband tells you he wants to take you to “Brokeback Mountain” and that then he has a surprise to tell you.

Since you asked, Christmas version:

I thought I would share this warm holiday story.

Of our two yellow Labrador dogs Kasey and Wrigley, our dog Wrigley is a sweet dog, he is a cute hound doggy-looking Labrador, he is an affectionate dog, he just doesn’t have a whole lot of sense. Kasey, on the other hand, has a lot of sense but most of it is directed, ala Wrigley with what little sense he has, at how and when she is going to eat.

Kasey is a much more observant dog than Wrigley, hence one of her many nicknames: Inspector Kasey. Nothing makes it into our house without Inspector Kasey giving it the once over with her snout. Wrigley? Not so much. For his third Christmas in-a-row, Wrigley has not even bothered to notice that we suddenly have a tree in the middle of the living room. His line of thinking being something like; “What does that stupid tree have to do with my getting fed?”

But on Christmas Eve, with the dulcet tones of Nat King Cole singing “Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire” and our lovely home resplendent with a fire roaring in the hearth, my daughter, Ann Caroline, was playing with the dogs as I was trying to watch something important on TV. I don’t remember what I was watching, I just know it was very important. So I directed her to take the dogs into the living room. Bad move.

They were not in the living room five seconds, when, low and behold, Wrigley must have suddenly noticed the Christmas tree. How do I know that Wrigley discovered the tree? I heard Ann Caroline yelling in her sternest 7-year-old voice: “No, Wrigahwee, no!” (A.C. still has trouble pronouncing her L’s. She loves to clarify with the word Actually, pronounced: Act-shoe-ah-wee)

This cry of “No Wrigahwee, no!” hurtled me into the living room as if shot out of a canon, where I was able to observe the end of Wrigley, as pretty as you please, blissfully peeing on the tree. More specifically, Wrigley was peeing on the tree, the fancy Christmas tree skirt as well as two out of the ten presents underneath.

In his defense, Wrigley maintains that he was just trying to water the tree to keep it fresh, but nobody here is buying that alibi. To Wrigley’s credit, however, most people, when they see something they aren’t familiar with and or are not happy about, only say; “Piss on it.”

Wrigley is a dog of action.

Oh yeah we gonna sta

Oh, snapizzy my mizzy fizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Transit schmansit
The transit strike in New York is in its third day; it is so bad I saw one guy riding to work in a carriage drawn by rats.


Same deal
Bearded Boston Red Sox slugger Johnny Damon has signed a deal with the New York Yankees, but Yankee owner George Steinbrenner insists Damon shave his beard; it’s essentially the same deal Prince Charles has with Camilla Parker Bowles.


Set’s the holiday tone
One of the hot Christmas presents this year is a certificate for plastic surgery; and let’s face it, nothing expresses the holiday spirit quite like the gift that says; “Lose the big honker, Bozo.”


Experienced
Elton John and David Furnish got married in the same 17th Century hall as Camilla Parker Bowles and Prince Charles; so this marks the second time a same-sex couple was married there.


How big were they?
There were huge waves up and down the coast of California today; the waves were so big, the celebrity seaside town of Malibu declared Pamela Anderson a floatation device.


Transit Plans it
The transit strike in New York is in its third day; even to get into Manhattan you have to have at least four passengers in your car; four passengers or one opera tenor Luciano Pavarotti


The Transit strike is so bad that, instead of the Empire State building, King Kong was stuck scaling a rock-climbing wall at the YMCA in Bensonhurst.


The transit strike is so bad New York commuters are so desperate they are putting on blonde wigs so King Kong will carry them into Manhattan.


The transit strike in New York is so bad Donald Trump fired five limo drivers on his commute to work.


The transit strike in New York is in its third day and it is reported that some New Yorkers are losing their patience; that is shocking, I had no idea any New Yorker had any patience to lose.


The New York cab drivers are working so hard, to stay awake, they are stocking their turbans with Red Bull.



Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
It was a little awkward when the NFL presented President Bush a Super Bowl XL t-shirt; Bush asked; “Does this come in a smaller size than XL?”


Um, at this juncture would it be appropriate if I just said, eww?
The transit strike in New York was so bad commuters were getting screwed more than Elton John on his honeymoon.


Take that back
At his trial in Iraq, Saddam Hussein called U.S. leaders liars; ouch, that has to hurt being called a liar by a homicidal psychotic.


Sir PMS
Elton John called Madonna “a miserable cow” for refusing to sing at his bachelor party; apparently marriage hasn’t helped Elton deal with his menopause.


Not good, no
Britain announced Prince William will undergo military training; I’m not sure about the quality of military training that Britain’s Prince William is getting; so far he is scheduled to spend one year blowing off the Texas Air National Guard.

Better title
The gay cowboy movie “Brokeback Mountain” has climbed from 15th to 8th at the box office; in retrospect, it was good they named it ‘Brokeback Mountain” I don’t think their other title idea would have worked:, “Dude, Where’s My Horse?”

The gay cowboy movie “Brokeback Mountain” has climbed from 15th to 8th at the box office; in retrospect, it was good they named it ‘Brokeback Mountain” I don’t think their other title idea would have worked: “The Lone Rump Ranger.”


Back to Sir Dame Elton
Elton John called Madonna “a miserable cow” for refusing to sing at his bachelor party; you’d think Madonna and Elton John would get along, they have so much in common: They are both temperamental pop icons with an annoying British accent currently experiencing menopause.


Did you hear about Elton John’s bachelor party? It was held in a gay bar and it was packed. There were four guys for every upside down bar stool.


So mean, she seems like a lovely woman
In 17 zoos in North America, a study is being done on female gorillas undergoing menopause. The female gorillas undergoing menopause have hot flashes, irritability and in one case it married Prince Charles.

Again with the mean?
On “The View” Joy Behar got into a huge fight with Star Jones over religion. It seems Behar’s Jewish beliefs only allow her to eat Kosher food, and Star’s religious beliefs only allow her to eat fudge.


Again with the Transit strike?
The transit strike in New York was in its third day; it was so bad in Manhattan you could only get a cab driver to stop if you were a current member of al Qaeda.

Oh yeah we gonna sta

It’s been a stone cold groovizzy my mizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Commute Dispute
New York is mired in a transit strike and people are piling into cabs for a flat rate of $10. At one point so many people got in a cab, Ringling Brothers clowns were asking, “How the hell do they do that?”


New York is mired in total transit strike and people are piling into cabs for a flat $10 rate. It is so crowded in the cabs the cab drivers barely have enough room to flip people off.


New York is mired in a transit strike; People are piling into cabs for a flat rate of $10. It is so crowded in the New York City cabs the cabbies barely have any room to work on making their suicide bombs.

New York is mired in a transit strike; People are piling into cabs for a flat rate of $10. It is so crowded in the New York City cabs passengers are riding in the cabbies turbans.


New York is mired in a transit strike; People are piling into cabs for a flat rate of $10. It is so crowded in the taxis, the New York cabbies have declared a Jihad on lard-asses.


Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has called for a ban of all Western music; it was awkward, but when President Bush heard about Iran’s ban on all Western music, Bush asked; “Does that apply to Country and Western music too?”

Oh yeah we gonna sta

We got the drama all up in this here hizzy wizzy my mizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



The thought that counts
Guess what? I got a Christmas Card from FEMA: it says; “Merry Christmas and a Happy 2004.”


FahgettahbOOOUtit
New York City has been hit with a transit strike. It’s bad, the only thing running in the subway is the flow of urine.


New York City has been hit with a transit strike. It’s bad, no subways are running. In fact, today alone, ten muggers had to mug each other.


Cab drivers in New York are so over-worked they had to replace their turbans with sweat bands.


New York City has been hit with a transit strike. On the bright side, they’ve finally figured out a way to keep terrorists out of the subways.


It’s so bad, in Times Square, guys are hiring hookers just to ride them to work.


New York City has been hit with a transit strike, It’s so bad commuters are insulting dock workers just for the resulting ambulance ride.


New York City has been hit with a transit strike, It’s so bad some commuters are jumping into the East River and riding the floating corpses to work.


New York City has been hit with a transit strike, It’s so bad some commuters are ratting on the Mafia just so they can be taken for a little ride.



Good with the not so good
The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has called for a ban of all Western music; unfortunately for Iranians this ban includes artists besides Celine Dion, Ashlee Simpson and John Tesh.


The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has called for a ban of all Western music; This ban started when the Iranian president heard Regis Philbin’s Christmas album.


Get it?
Elton John is getting married to his longtime partner, David Furnish, tomorrow in England; if you can’t figure out what to get Elton for a wedding present you can’t go wrong with the British Adult movie take-off of “Brokeback Mountain”: “Blokes Back-mounting.”



Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
On this date in 1946 in Vietnamese communist leader Ho Chi Minh declared war on the French  colonialists. When reminded of Ho Chi Minh, President Bush said, “Although I don’t agree with communism, in retrospect, it wasn’t respectful to call their leader a Ho.”


Minh declared they would fight the French with guns, swords, shovels, hoes or sticks. Turns out, to beat the French, all they needed was the sticks.


You know what you now need to fight the French? A stern look and an angry rebuke.



We have that option
“King Kong” did not open to the blockbuster numbers that some experts had predicted. In California people figured if they wanted to see a big scary ape wreak havoc they can watch Arnold Schwarzenegger.


Snubbed even
“Time” magazine named Bill and Melinda Gates and U2’s Bono as Persons of the year; If you ask me, FEMA’s Mike Brown got hosed.


Intelligence gifted guys
Last week, mob boss Vinny “The Chin” Gigante, died in prison. The days are over of Mafia guys with great nicknames like Vinny “The Chin,” Joey “Bananas” Bobby “Kneecaps.” Now the mob is preppy and politically correct: The names are now: Cooper “The Weight Challenged” Ryan “The Person with Difficult Needs” and Tyler “The Emotionally High Energetic.”



All the really good people here at a.L.b.b. would like to introduce a new feature we like to call:


One Step Forward, Ten Steps Back
(Inspired by, and partially lifted from, comedian Louis Black)


411 Operators. They really don’t have to talk, all they have to do now is push a button on a computer and 75% of the time they mess that up.


Choices of Milk: Lactose intolerant? Don’t drink milk. Soy Milk is not, nor will it ever be, milk.


Choices of Orange Juice: You want calcium? Drink milk. Pulp, no pulp, extra pulp? Shut up.


Microsoft Word: How many people have ever really used the engineering graphics to make a newsletter comprised of inserts from the Internet in Arabic? We don’t need all of this crap. And hit one wrong key stroke and you and your document are sent to computer hell and there is no getting out.


NFL broadcasts: Honestly, does anyone know or care –outside of professional coaches - what cover 2 is? As for all the graphics and statistic information, if I wanted to look at math I wouldn’t be watching a football game. And that’s the 10% that isn’t a commercial or a network promotion. And would somebody please, please tell Terry Bradshaw that laughing hysterically at your own jokes doesn’t make you funny.


Call waiting. “Oh, sorry, this call coming in may actually be somebody I give a crap about.”


TV News choices. Honestly, not to get all “You punks get off my lawn” on you, but I miss just Dan, Peter or Tom. And I don’t really miss crazy Dan.



Star 69: What paranoid freak came up with this? And the 69? No, I know you think it stands for the fact that this feature eats it, but it really stands for the number of phones in the country that Star 69 actually works on.


Grocery Store Self-Check Out. It should be called Self Push-a-button-watch-the-computer-lock-up-and-wait-for- the-lone-attendant-cashier-to-help-everyone-else-and-then-finally-un-stick-you. Repeat with each item.


And finally,


Cordless House Phones. Sure, before we had to walk over to where the phone was bolted in the wall and we couldn’t wander any farther than the cord length.

Now it is so much easier now to walk over to where the phone is supposed to be plugged into the wall, of course it isn’t and you can’t find it, then you listen for the distant ringing, run around and almost break your neck when you finally do find the phone your service answers it just before can and now the battery on the phone is beeping dead. How did we ever live without this?






  

We gonna be immense with the intense up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How cold is it?
It has been cold. Today I hugged Pamela Anderson strictly for her warmth.

So long Hong Kong
On this date in 1984, Britain agreed to return Hong Kong to China in 1997. In addition, Britain is still trying to return Madonna to America.


And yet is sounds familiar
USC Heisman trophy winner Reggie Bush has announced he is available for the NFL draft; this also marks the first time the words Bush and available for the draft have ever appeared together.


Don’t get me wrong, Kong
On this date in 1984, Britain agreed to return Hong Kong to China in 1997. It was awkward when President Bush was reminded that Britain returned Hong Kong to China, Bush said; “Hong Kong? And here I didn’t even know King Kong had a brother.”

Not a problem there
Ashlee Simpson collapsed after a performance in Tokyo and has been hospitalized. Doctors have not commented on Ashlee’s condition but I am pretty sure we can rule out strained vocal chords.

After a battery of tests doctors have determined that Ashlee is allergic to singing.


Uh, no Jessica, that’s not, oh forget it
It’s official Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson have filed for divorce. When asked why there was no reconciliation, Jessica said it was because she doesn’t believe in plastic surgery.


You know what happened last Saturday 102 years ago? The Wright Brothers first flight at Kitty Hawk; it was also the last time a pilot flew while completely sober.


You know what happened on Saturday 102 years ago? The Wright Brothers first flight at Kitty Hawk; and, no, I won’t do the joke “And their luggage still hasn’t arrived.”


You know who is playing real well for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers? Their nose tackle, Anthony “Booger” McFarland. Yes, he’s a nose tackle and his nickname is Booger. So you can really see why, for the NFL draft, a nose tackle named “Booger” was picked.


Career killer
The White House has finally agreed to Senator John McCain's bill banning torture. Oh, man, bad news for Celine Dion’s singing career.

Hate to hear that
In Vermont the lesbian couple who had the first civil union is splitting up; I guess one of them caught the other in bed with a gay cowboy.


Again with this
The gay cowboy movie “Brokeback Mountain” has received seven Golden Globe nominations; “Brokeback Mountain” just isn’t about gay cowboys; it’s about love, deceit, fear, passion, anger, betrayal and what color scarf goes best with the wheat-colored barn coat.


That will be fun
The Los Angeles Dodger have acquired infielder, Nomar Garciaparra from the Chicago Cubs. This is great news for California, not only is Nomar a great player, it will be fun to hear our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, try and pronounce: Nomar Garciaparra.


The gay cowboy movie “Brokeback Mountain” has received seven Golden Globe nominations; I’m not sure about the sound track though. Especially that one song from “Brokeback Mountain” “Who let the cows out? Moo, moo, moo, moo. Who let the cows out? Moo, moo, moo, moo.”


This success of the gay cowboy movie “Brokeback Mountain” has started a trend of portraying gay men in the last bastions of straight male America. Look for the two gay Chicago NHL players in “Blackhawks Mountain” and the two gay NFL players in “Cuddle in the Huddle” and finally, the gay rapper movie: “Get Richard or Die Trying.”


Wiggle room
Speaking of the confidence of their defense, massive Oakland Raiders lineman Warren Sapp said “We have a bounce to our step.” No kidding, when Warren walks, entire buildings bounce to his step.


Too far
First President Bush admitted faulty intelligence in going to war in Iraq and his approval ratings went up; now Bush acknowledged he approved wire taps and his rating went up again; I think he is getting carried away, now Bush is going to admit he had sex with Monica Lewinski.


The Santa Cause
In New Zealand, 40 drunken men dressed as Santa when on a rampage stealing, fighting and urinating in public. Look for the DVD: “Santas Gone Wild.”

In New Zealand, 40 drunken men dressed as Santa when on a rampage stealing, fighting and urinating in public; As the reverend Jerry Falwell has always warned, you can’t spell Santa without Satan.


Since you asked:
With all the technical isolation we have now with cell phones, iPods, Xbox’s and laptops, and the crass commercialism exploiting the season, it is important to spend quality time with your loved ones this holiday and to take care to share the joy that (ring, ring) oh, crap, I gotta take this:

“Listen, we had a deal, I don’t want to threaten legal action, but you give me no choice.” (Click)

Where was I? Oh yeah, share the joy and the warmth that the Christmas season brings to you and yours.

Any questions or comments or suggestions are welcomed. Also tell me how you found this pathetic blog in the vast wilderness that is what I like to call the Internet.

lexkase@san.rr.com