Saturday, May 21, 2005

Though we may be few, we are mighty, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

And the winner is Red
A new study has found that teams that have red in their uniforms are more likely to win. In a related story, the tied-for-last Cincinnati Reds announced they have just run out of excuses.

Oh goody
This week the Senate voted to set up a Federal commission to regulate boxing. First they investigated steroids in baseball, football and basketball, now the Senate is working with boxing. Apparently congress is through ruining the budget so now they are focusing on messing up sports.

That’s all we need, the government in sports. Pretty soon going to a game will have the same vibrant sensation of renewing your driver’s license at the D.M.V.

If the government was involved in sports, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim would be named the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and of, but not affiliated with, California and the United States of America, any use of this team other than that by Major League fans, shall be prohibited and subject to Federal Prosecution. Or, otherwise, as:

The L.A.A.O.A.A.O.B.N.A.W.C.A.T.U.S.A.A.U.T.O.M.L.F.S.B.P.F.P’s.

Not on the juice
The NBA has begun a crack down on performance enhancing drugs. One guy they don’t have to worry about? NBA MVP Steve Nash. The guy is a genius/artist/superstar during the game, but before and after the game, he looks like he got lost looking for the comic book convention.

After an upsetting trade from Dallas to the Phoenix Suns, NBA MVP Steve Nash had an amazing series to knock the Mavericks out of the Western finals. That is the NBA equivalent of introducing the girl who dumped you before the prom to your date for the ten-year-high-school reunion: “Heather, I’d like you to meet Miss Angelina Jolie.”

Go Friars
The San Diego Padres are putting the Pad in Padres with a half game lead in their division. It really helps San Diego that a loop-hole in the local no-touch stripper rule now also applies to the Padres at home plate.

Creative guy
In a city council bribery trial involving strip clubs in San Diego, a key witness is an F.B.I. informant who goes by the name Tony Montagna, the exact same pronunciation as Al Pacino’s mob character in “Scarface.” Are you kidding? Was the name Vito Corleone already taken?

Presidential ire
President Bush says he is still angry at Newsweek for a false story they ran about interrogators flushing a Koran down the toilet. It’s not the flushing part that upset Bush, he just thought the article had way too many big words.

In addition, Bush is also upset at Highlights magazine because he couldn’t find the lollipop in the Hidden Picture.

It was awkward, when asked why he was so disconcerted, President Bush replied; “I think it was all that jogging.”

Since you asked:
For potential marketing and advertising reasons, I have begun monitoring the “hits” on this pathetic blog. How many hits does it get? Let’s put it this way: If you are reading this, you are part of a unique, special and exclusive minority.

Florida Marlins pitcher Al Lieter has more hits and he swings a bat like a high-heeled drunken debutante going for the Piñata.

Unless one of my loyal readers are spend-aholics Paris Hilton and or Michael Jackson, I don’t think anyone is going to advertise here. And Michael is now reportedly broke. And I have made far too many mean and bad jokes about Paris. Well, both, actually.

In all candor, for a non-advertised, non-promoted, word-of-mouth free blog, the going concern that are all the good people here that make up a.L.b.b., we do pretty well. There is a relatively small but loyal and elite following.

All I have to do is think of a gimmick to attract more folks from the Red States. Hmm.

Did you hear the one about the born-again NASCAR driver packing a .45 Magnum?

OK, so, granted, that will need some work.

(Oh, I kid the Red States. I was born in a Red State)

Friday, May 20, 2005

This just in:
A British tabloid published a shot of Saddam Hussein in jail in his underpants. Who could have ever guessed that the name of a murderous dictator Saddam Hussein and the term tighty whities would ever go together?

That just ain’t right, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Their performances were enhanced?
The NBA has begun cracking down on performance enhancing drugs. Can you imagine how bad the Los Angeles Clippers will be if they’ve been on performance enhancing drugs and have to stop?

The NBA has begun cracking down on performance enhancing drugs. Except for the Los Angeles Clippers, in their case the NBA is prescribing performance enhancing drugs.

Or as the Los Angeles Clippers call performance enhancing drugs: performance less-sucking drugs.

Or something like that
According to “Newsweek” magazine, 17% of men look at porn while they are at work. This trend of men looking at porn at work is what they now call thinking inside the box.

Our writers would never look at porn at work. Hey, did you hear the one about . . . wow, I didn’t know a donkey could do that?

According to USA Today, the latest traveling trend is naked tours. Forget about airlines throwing away their pillows, throw away the seat cushions after the flights with the naked tours. We’ll sit on the floor, that’s fine.

A British tabloid published shots of Saddam Hussein in jail in his underpants. The U.S. Military will punish whoever leaked the photos, however, on the bright side, the photos of Hussein in his underpants are proving to be an amazingly effective diet aid.

A British tabloid published a shot of Saddam Hussein in jail in his underpants. I don’t want to get too explicit, but in the picture you can see Hussein’s boys and I don’t mean Uday and Qusay.

Enough already
OK, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are an item, we get it. Stop the press releases. Even Donald Trump is saying; “Enough hype. Don’t you two have any shame?”

Ah ha
Italian officials say they’ve arrested horse owners who were feeding Viagra to their racehorses; This explains why, at a horse race in Milan, a male and female horse finished together as one entry.

Makes sense
The only girl in an Oakfield, NY, little league game, 11-year-old Katie Brownell, pitched a perfect game striking out 32 of 33 batters and she has a .711 batting average. In a related story, New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has applied to adopt Katie Brownell.

For some reason
Star Wars merchandise has been selling through the roof lately; plastic light sabers, Darth Vadar figures and Jedi costumes are flying out the stores. The only Star Wars item that isn’t moving? The Star Wars condoms.

Debate 101 with Professor Paris Hilton
This is somewhat amazing. Did you know that Pauly Shore’s sister teaches a class in comedy? And she’s the unfunny one in the family. It’s sort of like taking a painting class from Stevie Wonder.

That’s bad
Former Cleveland Brown high draft pick Kellen Winslow Jr., who missed his rookie season with a broken leg, now is rumored to have torn his knee up in a motorcycle accident; at this rate even Ryan Leaf is making fun of Winslow’s NFL career.

Since you asked;

When it comes to embarrassingly sickening baby talk names for animals and children, I am a firm believer in the spontaneous blurting out of random extemporaneous free association thoughts. That way you are sure to get something different, and truly repulsively annoying. Nothing worse than stale and boring baby talk names.

So this is what I did yesterday to my two Labs, Kasey and Wrigley. Kasey has a cute worried little white bear face – she is ten – and Wrigley has the countenance of a James Thurber cartoon dog: all sweet, puppyish and houndoggy. (Puking yet?)

So the other night, I bound out to the grill to flip the garlic marinated lamb loin chops, see the dogs and blurt out loudly over the whaling Little Walter harmonica on the outdoor speakers, in the most drippingly disgusting baby talk voice a theoretically grown man could muster:

“Hey there, Miss Bitty Boop and Mister Mugwhumps.”

Then I look up to see my somewhat stuffy neighbor staring at me over the fence with an expression like he had just stepped in a steaming pile of elephant dung.

Mission accomplished.

Those names are so ridiculously stupid and cute, I think they may stick for a while.

(All non-pet owners feel free to get ill now)

Thursday, May 19, 2005

We got us all kinds of that up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh, we kid the Kirstie
In a recent interview, Kirstie Alley said “I want one person for the rest of my life not five or six.” She went on to add that, in the case of desserts, she wants five or six, not one.

Party for Jacko
This week was the 74th birthday of the Boy Scouts; Michael Jackson marked the occasion by throwing a party and playing pin-the-tail-of-the-Boy Scout.

Lucas goes to the dark side
You know what would be tempting if you were Star Wars creator, George Lucas? To name bad guys after people you don’t like, like: Darth Mother-in-law.

You know what would be tempting if you were Star Wars creator, George Lucas? To name bad guys after people you don’t like, for example: Emperor I.R.S. Agent, or the Phantom Entertainment Lawyer.

You know what would be tempting if you were Star Wars creator, George Lucas? To name bad guys after people you don’t like, for example: “Star Wars III: Revenge of the Flatulent Brother-in-law.”

Geek goods
Due to the release of “Star Wars III” there is a whole new line of Star Wars products geared specifically for their loyal fans, like the new Star Wars pocket protector, the Star Wars Eye Glasses Repair tape, the Star Wars, “Stay Out of My Room” sign, and the very special Star Wars “Thanks for taking me to the Prom, Mother” greeting card.

Not to mention the Star Wars Medal of Enduring Celibacy.

Woman is all over the place
Another thing that surprised me about “Star Wars III”? The cameo appearance by Camilla Parker Bowles as Chewbacca’s Wookie Aunt Gertrude.

Far from Broadway
In Maine, a drunk driving male suspect made amorous advances on the arresting female state trooper. And here I didn’t even know Joe Namath lived in Maine.

They didn’t have to issue a sobriety test; they knew the guy was drunk because he hit on a female state trooper.

Apparently the guy was so drunk he forgot that female state troopers are lesbians

Tonight is the emotional farewell of NBC’s “E.R.’s” Dr. Carter played by Noah Wiley. Wow, I am shocked. I had no idea “E.R.” was still on the air.

Long time
L.A. Hasn’t had an Hispanic mayor since 1872. I think the Hispanic mayor back in Los Angeles mayor back in 1872 was named Senorita Cher.

The best part of this Mayoral election result? I can hardly wait to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger try and pronounce Antonio Vallaraigosa.

Slight mishap with President Bush, but he is OK. It turns out when Bush tried to pronounce the name of the new L.A. Mayor, Antonio Vallaraigosa, he briefly passed out..

Now we have L.A. Mayor Antonio Vallaraigosa and Governor Arnold Schwarzenenegger. We don’t elect state leaders, we elect eye charts.

New meaning to riding hard
Italian officials say they’ve arrested horse owners who were feeding Viagra to their racehorses; this practice is not only illegal, it is very dangerous, ten jockeys riding mares were nearly squashed.

Senior Hisshoner
Los Angeles has elected a Hispanic mayor, Antonio Vallaraigosa. Do you known what the name Vallaraigosa means? It’s Spanish for: Stop Shooting at Drivers.

When informed of the new Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Vallariagosa’s name, President Bush proclaimed,

“Hew, doggies, that fella’s got more syllables than an Eye-talian menu.”

New breed

My daughter learned what a Mammal is in school. For example, Mammal’s usually have hair, they are warm blooded, and they were nursed when they were young. So I guess that means Donald Trump isn’t a mammal.

Since you asked:

Is it just me that thinks that, whenever it comes to computers, whether it is e-mail files, the Internet, web sites, blogs, documents on Word, you name it, things are either stupidly easy or mind-numbingly complicated? Nothing in the middle. Tried to find out how many hits I get on this pathetic blog. Should be simple, right? No.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

These just in:
Los Angeles has elected a Hispanic mayor, Antonio Vallaraigosa. It’s really cool for all of those Los Angeles residents who ever dreamed of living in a foreign country, well, now they do.

The best part of this Mayoral election result? I can hardly wait to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger try and pronounce Antonio Vallaraigosa.

Another thing that surprised me about “Star Wars III”? The cameo appearance by Camilla Parker Bowles as the evil Emperor Palpatine.

Either you wit' 'dat or you ain’t wit' 'dat, ah-ite, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

“American Idol” Paula Abdul’s judge’s choice song for Bo Bice was the Stones’; “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.” Paula has desperately wanted a hear “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” ever since she tried to sleep with Clay Aikens.

Paula Abdul told Bo he “was a gift on the inside.” So apparently yet another contestant got inside Paula Abdul.

Today “Newsweek” apologized to the Middle East for “American Idol” judge’s Simon Cowell’s rude crankiness directed to a person surnamed Abdul.

On “American Idol” contestant Bo Bice had to sing the Rolling Stones “Satisfaction.” That’s not fair, is it? Asking an amateur to sing a Stones song would be like asking President Bush to read the entire “Newsweek” Koran-desecration article.

Bio-diesel? Isn’t he on “American Idol?”
At a Bio-diesel plant in Richmond Virginia, President Bush spoke in favor of alternative fuel. Bush went on to say there are many alternative fuels: Regular, Unleaded, Premium.

Not clear on the concept
It was awkward when they first told President Bush about the Koran desecration article in “Newsweek.” Bush said; “Ahh, that’s nice. I once called a radio station and desecrated a song to Laura.”

Today across the Middle East thousands of people angrily rioted apparently upset because “Newsweek” did not include “pretty please” in their beg for forgiveness over the mistaken Koran story.

Tomorrow there are more plans for angry rioting against the U.S. in the Middle East with the reason to be named later.

And today, chef Emerill Lagase apologized to the Middle East for desecrating the Coriander.

Channeling for Florida
Yesterday was the vote for the mayor of Los Angeles. We’re not sure who won, they haven’t finished counting all thirty votes.

This has to be the only town where more people have written movie treatments then voted for mayor.

Lend a hand
A survey in “Playboy” says that 60% of men would never think about cheating on their partner. Let’s give those guys a hand. After all, they give themselves a hand.

With the Sith
The big “Star Wars III” opening is tomorrow. The good news is that, for at least a couple days, nobody has to worry about getting their computer hacked.

With all of the devout Star Wars fans in line at the opening this is going to be a long, lonely night for a number of beautiful sexy women. Of course that number happens to be zero.

Dumb . . . dumb . . . dumb . . . dumb, dumb, dumb, dumbdumbdumbdumb
In “Men’s Journal” “Jaws” author Peter Benchley wrote an impassioned plea to protect against the killing of sharks. That’s like O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake teaming to become marriage counselors.

In “Men’s Journal” “Jaws” author Peter Benchley wrote an impassioned plea to protect against the killing of sharks. That’s like Bill Gates promoting the Amish lifestyle.

Back with the Sith
We got to see a preview of “Star Wars III”. I thought it was a little surprising; especially that scene where Paris Hilton gets a spike through her head.

We got to see a preview of “Star Wars III”. It was good, especially that scene where Darth Vadar goes wine tasting in Santa Barbara and ends up running naked to his hotel room.

I didn’t know this, but apparently you can catch the Sith from drinking at public drinking fountains.

We got to see a preview of “Star Wars III”. To be honest, I was a little disappointed with all the outtakes from “Gigli.”

It’s about time
CBS has a new show in the fall; “CSI: Los Angeles.” It’s great. And for a bonus, you can call in and win a prize if you pick which specific freeway the investigated shooting occurred.

Welcome to Los Angeles, now take cover
There have been a rash of shooting on the Los Angeles freeways. Apparently people are upset about a report in “Newsweek” about interrogators desecrating a copy of a “Desperate Housewives” script.

Back again with the Sith
Boy, if you thought one movie wouldn’t stoop to product placements, it would be “Star Wars III”, but sure enough, there he was: Subway Sandwiches’ Jared the Jedi.

Since you asked:

My dolphins-breaching-kites-flying-daughter-building-sand-castles, eye-talian-opera -playing "Since You Asked" was way too sappy, so it is time to bring back some of the nasty up in here.

Yes, Slatteens and Nuggies, we alleged comedy writers are hyper sensitive and testy when it comes to our jokes.

So let me know if I was out of line here. Although the vast majority of comments I’ve received have been positive – probably because the folks who don’t like the jokes don’t want to bother to comment – and yet, someone actually took the time to e-mail me this gem:

I’m confused. You say this is a comedy blog and yet there is no actual comedy anywhere in these jokes. Why is that?”

Was I out of line to reply like this?

Thanks for taking the time to ask, I’m sure it was meant to be constructive.

Yes, actually, there is a very good reason why you don’t see the comedy in this blog and that is that I am specifically adapting this material for a totally different demographic than your demographic: Humorless snooty A-holes with way too much time on their hands.

You see, my experience has been that people who don’t have a sense of humor can’t actually appreciate, oh, say for example, something like comedy. Their preference is to masturbate to donkey porn all day and send pissy, annoying e-mails like the tools that they are.

But that might just be silly ol’ me. If you have any other questions, feel free to ask.

Just spreading the love, S’s and R’s, just spreading the love.

Seriously, I can take constructive criticism or comments and suggestions. No, really, I can.

Let’s wash the unpleasantness of that last e-mail with a round of:

Lex Answers Reader's Mail

My Dearest Sir Lex:

Why? Why? Oh, why so nasty towards the Royals such as Camilla and Charles? Do you have some horrible childhood memory at the hands of Monarchy?



Dear Ferg:

Why yes, as I matter of fact I do. As a child I once accidentally wandered into the Neverland Ranch, and as, Michael Jackson is the King of Pop, well, I don’t want to talk about it.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

We all finer than a diner in Carolina up in this hizzouse, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Wax on, Paris off

In the movie “House of Wax” Paris Hilton’s character gets murdered with a spike through her head. Initially Nicole Richey fought to play the role of the spike.

In the movie “House of Wax” Paris Hilton’s character gets murdered with a spike right through her head. Now that’s what I call hot.

In real life a spike in her head wouldn’t kill Paris Hilton. To kill Paris Hilton you’d have to take her credit cards away.

He was seen later in a hotel room smoking crack with Marion Berry

Hard core outspoken anti-gay Spokane mayor James West was caught trying to lure men in a gay chat room. It would seem West’s motto is: Do what I say, not who I do.

When confronted, James was so embarrassed he was downright Magenta-faced.

West tried to cover for himself saying; “I personally resolve to find and get rid of every gay man even if I have to do it one sexy stud muffin at a time.”

Giambi gambit

In Oakland a fan tried to throw a beer at Jason Giambi. But, like Giambi, the fan couldn’t hit anything either.

Giambi was actually relieved when the fan threw a beer at him. Finally he hit something.

Janet Jacksister

Janet Jackson turned 39 this week. She’s getting up there. Now the only time Janet flashes her breast is to cool off during a hot flash.

Janet is getting up there. I can remember when she was just known as Michael Jackson’s younger sister. Now Michael is known as Janet’s older sister.

Janet is getting up there. Remember those Super Bowl nipple rings? Now they double as belt jewelry.

Trouble in paradise

British tabloids say Camilla Parker Bowles has barred Prince Charles from the bedroom. That or Prince Charles had to put a bar in the bedroom. It’s one of those.

British tabloids say Camilla Parker Bowles has barred Prince Charles from the bedroom. Or as Prince Charles calls his being barred from Camilla’s bedroom: My Early Father’s Day present.

Or something like that

Saddam Hussein is writing his memoirs in prison. I think the book’s called; “Murderous Dictatorship for Dummies.”


The Pro Tennis tour is going to start using blue tennis courts instead of green. This is different then when Anna Kournakova used to play and guys would have to play with blue balls.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Are we gonna do this? Are we gonna do this? Oh, it’s throw-down O’Clock up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Programming Geniuses
I don’t think it will work but CBS is going to try and fill the “Everybody Loves Raymond” void with the new show; “Nobody Can Stand Geraldo.”

What the hell is a Sith?
Are you excited about the new “Star Wars III”? In this one Jar Jar Binks marries Camilla Parker Bowles.

Are you excited about the new “Star Wars III”? I don’t want to give the ending away but suffice it to say that Darth Vadar and Empire are owned by George Stienbrenner.

Are you excited about the new “Star Wars III”? In this one Jar Jar Binks fiancé runs out on him and hops a bus to Albuquerque.

This movie is the sixth Star Wars saga but it is numbered three. Apparently creator George Lucas leaned math with President Bush.

The last of the Star Wars movies is "Return of the Sith." And let me tell you, I once had the Sith in college and without some penicillin, that Sith will return on you.

So sorry
Newsweek apologized and acknowledged errors in its report of interrogators desecrating the Koran that has caused riots in Middle East. They went on to add that it’s the last time they will use Dan Rather as a source.

Newsweek said it was sorry for the errors in its report of interrogators desecrating the Koran at Camp X-Ray that has caused riots in Middle East. And Newsweek really is sorry, not as sorry as the rioters who killed 17 people over the report should be, but they’re sorry all the same.

Don’t give it away
President Bush was spotted carrying a book around that he started reading in February. When asked to comment, Bush said; “I’m not finished, please don’t tell me what happens to Curious George and the red balloon at the zoo.”

The technical term
A psychiatrist said today that Star Wars mania could be a sign of underlying and potentially harmful psychiatric conditions. I think the medical term is: Virginal Nerdia Dorkosis.

Here’s an idea, Ozzie . . .
Ozzie Osbourne claims that living in England is too expensive and that it cost him over $100 to fill up his car with gas. Someone then explained to Ozzie it would cost less if he stopped sipping the gas straight from the nozzle.

Sixty Minutes to say goodbye
Newswoman Christine Amanpour has announced that she is leaving “60 minutes.” When asked to explain why, Amanpour said; “Three words: Old man smell.”

When asked why she is leaving Amanpour said; “Let’s just say that Andy Rooney is all hands.”

Or something like that
In Iraq, Secretary of State Condoleezza rice urged more participation by the Sunni Muslims in creating the Iraqi constitution. Of the Shiite and Sunni Muslims participating in the constitution, Rice feels they are just too full of Shiite.

How, uh, how shaky was he?
Tiger Woods missed his first cut in seven years. Tiger has made more cuts than an 80-year-old-Bris-Rabbi Mohel with a bad case of the shakes.

Yeah, like them
You have to admire those people who go out on top, “Seinfeld”, “Everybody Loves Raymond” and the one who really went out on top: Paris Hilton in her Sex Video.

Since you asked:

Nugs and T’s, if you have ever read this pathetic blog you know that if there is one thing that is true it is that I hate to brag about my vast and amazing grilling prowess.


Made a new dish last night that is, if I do say so myself, quite the keeper:

Soft flour tortilla tacos stuffed with Spanish rice, shredded Cheddar cheese and grilled Mahi Mahi and shrimp topped with shredded cabbage and milk-thinned Ranch dressing. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Served with a snappy Chardonnay on the beach in Del Mar with Virg and the Stinker as the Holy iPod portable speakers sweetly serenaded us with Frank’s “Lady is a Tramp” Bocelli’s “Time to Say Goodbye*” Winwood’s “Roll with it” and Issac’s “Wicked Game” Jack Johnson’s “Waiting” among many others.

As the sun set and the Stinker built sand castles and dolphins breeched in the distance, it created many of those mental snapshots you want to keep in your head forever.

It was so elegantly charming Martha Stewart would have slid off her beach chair. (Didn’t want you to think I had gone all soft on you, there)

Then we came home and watched a movie that couldn’t have sucked more if it had a Masters degree in suckage. “Finding Neverland.” Maybe it was the wine.

*Anyone that wants to make cracks about my liking an Eye-taliano Opera in Bocelli’s “Time to Say Goodbye” well, as Grandmother Rodgers used to say;

“Ya’ll don’t know what’s good, is all.”