Saturday, April 24, 2004

What is brown and sticky?

A stick.
It ain't like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Separated at birth?
Singer Patti Smith has a new CD and an article and a picture in USA Today. (4-24-04) Did you see the picture? When did Patti Smith turn into Howard Stern?
That's Jackson'd up
*In the Mideast, Jermaine Jackson spoke out against U.S. policy. Ironically, Jackson's comments were in now way germane. In fact, they were more Tito-esqe.

The other yellow streak
*Spain has retreated from Iraq. Or as we now call Spain, the other France.

Thanks for stopping by
*Saudi Arabia has declared that they are cracking down on terrorism. That's kind of like Hershey, Pennsylvania announcing they are cracking down on chocolate.

Since you asked:
As I am sure you know, Pat Tillman, who left a multi-million NFL contract to enlist in the special forces after 9-11, was killed in action in Afghanistan. Pat Tillman was a deep-thinking pro athlete who put honor and loyalty above himself and money. In addition, this marks the first time the words "deep-thinking pro athlete who put honor and loyalty above himself and money" have ever been used in a sentence.

Tillman was an amazingly brave man who voluntarily fought terrorism in Afghanistan in an era when number one NFL draft picks announce they are too scared to play in San Diego.

The more I find out about Pat Tillman, the more amazed I become. Tillman turned down a huge 9 million dollar offer from the Rams out of loyalty to his Cardinal coaches because they gave him a chance. When Tillman enlisted in the Army Rangers he refused to do interviews because he felt he didn't deserve any more attention than anyone else in the service. But do you know the most amazing thing about Pat Tillman? Every single one of the service people who have fought and died in Iraq and Afghanistan was every bit as amazing as Pat Tillman, and Pat Tillman would be the first to tell you so. Tillman would have probably hated the extra attention his death received over that of the other brave people who have died serving our country.

Maybe I'm angry and looking for a way to vent, but, for the first time ever it is actually unfortunate that I am not president of the United States. Why? That's because, if I was president, I would command that former Pretender singer Chrissie Hynde repeat - on National TV in front of Pat Tillman's fans, friends and family - Hynde's in-concert anti-Iraq war statement of over a year ago:

"I hope the terrorists win and send our soldiers back in a box"- Outspoken PETA supporter Chryssie Hynde

It is at once tragic and wonderful that great people die to protect the rights of even the truly horrible people.

On a lighter note

Tina Fey is smokin' hot. My goodness. Cute, hot, funny, smart. Dammit.

The first time I fell deeply in love with Tina Fey was when she doing a joke on "Weekend Update" on that hot blonde CNN reporter - I forgot her name - who dyed her hair brown and donned glasses to be less conspicuous while reporting in the Middle East. A bemused Fey commented;

"If she thinks that brown hair and glasses keeps men from noticing you," Fey, who suddenly became shy, embarrassed and demure, said; "she is absolutely right."

Oh my word, be still foolish circus in my pants.

I am going to find out Tina Fey's class schedule and run over to where she will walk out of her English class and pretend I was just walking by. Man, I hope she says "Hi." Maybe I'll get my buddy, Woody, to tell Tina's friend that, if, you know, if Tina, you know, like, wasn't doing anything sometime, that I, you know, I might, that is if she doesn't mind, sometime, maybe, or not, I would, like, I don't know, like, maybe give Tina a call? Or something. No big deal. Whatever. Or not. OK, fine, if she doesn't want me to call, I don't care. Big whoop. I wasn't going to call her anyway. I was kidding. So there. Yeah, like I am going to waste my time calling her. Right. Heh, heh. Oh, man. Get over yourself.

Can I give her a call please? Pleeeeease? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

And that's how we play; "I have a crush on Tina Fey." (Polite applause)

P.S. Excuse my five-year-old daughter Ann Caroline stories, but, she asked if I could give her a stamp. When I asked what it was for, she handed me an envelope addressed "To God."

When I asked her what she wrote to God, she said;

"Dear God, I love you. Ann Caroline."

Talk about covering your butt.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

I'm gonna sit my narrow behind right down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh, that?
*A University of Minnesota-Deluth newspaper reporter was fired for selling a pass to a hockey tournament. I was fired from my college newspaper. Something about how I were not writing goodly enough.

Wake up call
*At Duke University, officials are so worried about their students losing sleep they eliminated 8 a.m. classes. Or as we used to call 8:00 am in college: Last call.

I once had an 8:00 am class in college. It was brutal trying to stay up that late to make it on time.

In college I majored in sleeping in.

Bad habit
*Colin Powell said other countries besides Spain may pull their troops out of Iraq. France announced they are withdrawing their troops, and they don't even have any there. Just a habit.

We kid the President
*Bob Woodward’s new book "Plan of Attack” about President Bush is now the number one book in the country. President Bush hasn't read it. He's waiting for the "Hooked on Phonics" version.

They're not doing anything
*The Boston Celtics announced today that they’re going to hire cheerleaders. They should just hire away the L.A. Clippers' cheerleaders. They're not doing anything, they've never had anything to cheer about.

No speech N.O.W.
*Tennis player Pat Cash, asked if he had a dalliance with a woman who allegedly had a fling with Beckham, told the Sun of London, "I'm 50 percent sure I did. I wish I could say it was me, but I just can't remember. They all looked the same after a while." So much for Cash's invitation to speak to the National Organization of Women.

Yellow card
*Soccer star David Beckham's alleged affairs are all over the British newspapers. How many alleged affairs has Beckham had? Let's just say for a guy who plays soccer, he's been using his hands quite a lot lately.

Not big air
*Phil Mickelson is considered the favorite to win the next major, the U.S. Open. Personally, I hope Phil wins again. I want to see that victory "leap" of his again. That boy couldn't jump to a conclusion.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

How we gonna do how we do up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

The sign of the beast
*Barry Bonds hit his 666th home run. It was a little scary, as soon as he hit number 666, Bonds' bat went up in flames.

I'm not positive, but I could swear that when Bonds hit #666, I could see Bonds head spin completely around.

After he hit his 666th home run, instead of sunflower seeds, I could swear Bonds was spitting out pea soup.

Beverage of choice
*Starbucks is teaming up with the makers of Jim Beam whiskey to introduce a whiskey-flavored coffee. Whisky-flavored coffee is a good idea if you want your boss to think you're drunk instead of just plain stupid.

Well slap me silly
* "In Touch” magazine is reporting that Omarosa has designed a line of woman’s business suits. I think the line is called: Psycho Bitch-wear.

In a porn store near you
*Due to the health scare in the California porn industry, male porn actors may be required to wear condoms. Look for the upcoming film; "Willy Wears a Raincoat," "Full Rubber Jacket" and "Mister Happy Has a Hat."

Due to the health scare in the California porn industry, the government of California may regulate the porn business. Imagine that? Movies every bit as sexy as a trip to the D.M.V.

That might actually work. If there is one thing California legislators know how to do it's screw people.

We flat out straight ballin' now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Get it straight
I had a rough day. I was mugged. OK, I'm lying, I was walking Kevin Spacey's dog.

A bleeding Kevin Spacey told London police he was mugged and then admitted he lied. While walking his dog at four in the morning, Spacey said a young man stole his cell phone and Spacey tripped and hit his head in pursuit. Uh huh. And where was George Michael this happened?

What a pity
*The adult movie industry here in California, has been shut down due to a health scare. It's sad, all those actors who played pool cleaners and pizza delivery guys? Now they really are pool cleaners and pizza delivery guys.

What about "Seasons in the Sun?"
*Blender magazine has rated Jefferson Starship's We Built This City as the worst single ever in its list "The 50 Worst Songs Ever". Personally, I think it's shameful how they snubbed Celine Dion.

Cher is furious, she said "I have a dozen songs that are worse than that."

Tight Coverage
*Miami Beach police arrested New England Patriots cornerback Ty Law after a car chase and then a foot chase. It was easy for the cop to catch him, as a cornerback, Law saw the cop running and instinctively tried to stay tight on him for close coverage.

Geography lesson
King Abdullah of Jordan snubbed President Bush and abruptly cancelled their meeting for Wednesday. A defiant Bush said; "Who cares about some country named after a basketball player?"

Monday, April 19, 2004

That's jacked-up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Improve the quality?
The erectile dysfunction drug Levitra now uses a woman spokesperson in their TV ads; this is smart because if there is one thing all guys know it's that, when it comes to sex, you can never, ever, believe one single word a guy ever says.

Men are inherently incapable of telling the truth about sex. If a rock star slept with five women in one night, he'd tell his buddies it was six.

Buffalo winging it
*VH1 announced that Jessica Simpson is going to be on "Divas." When asked to comment about being on "Divas" Jessica replied; "I've never been on Divas, but I did once take a Xanax."

Historic moment
*Times Square in New York is 100 years old. To mark the date they are going to honor the descendents of Harold J. McDougal, the very first tourist rolled by a Times Square hooker.

One word of advice
*Stewart Cink won MCI Heritage golf tournament despite TV viewers who called in to say Cink broke a rule by removing loose stones before a key bunker shot. As for those deligent people who called, I would like to say one thing: Get a life you pathetic pain-in-the-butt losers.

You're mired
*Did you all watch "The Apprentice” last week? I hear it's not going well for the apprentice. Today, the winner, Bill Rancic looked across the meeting table and finally realizied that he would have to look at Donald Trump's comb-over everyday for the rest of his life.

I hear it's not going well for "The Apprentice" winner Bill Rancic. Today they had to warn Rancic, for the last time, to please stop starring at Mr. Trump's comb-over.

I feel sorry for Donald Trump. Now that "The Apprentice" is over, Trump goes around his office all day walking up to the mirrors, looking at his reflection and pronouncing; "You're fired."

Shocker in Bean Town
*The Boston Marathon was run today. In a big surprise, it was won by that one Kenyan guy instead of that, you know, other Kenyan guy. What an upset.

*McDonald’s has announced that they are coming out with an adult Happy Meal. Doesn't adult Happy Meal sound like an X-Rated Happy Meal? Man, hold the secret sauce on that thing.

Saw this one coming
*Miami Beach police arrested New England Patriots cornerback Ty Law after a car chase and then foot chase. Apparently Ty Law fought the law and the law won.

An NFL cornerback was chased down on foot by a cop. Law isn't going to hear the end of this one in the lockeroom. "Hey, Ty, was the cop eating a donut when he ran you down?"

Law was charged with resisting arrest and also with impersonating a "Cops" episode.

Since you asked:
You know what I haven't done in a while, Torns and Nugs? I haven't answered reader mail. Now, that may have something to do with the fact I haven't got any reader mail, but that never stopped me before;

Dear So-Called-Joke-Guy:

So what's your problem with Donald Trump, France, Courtney Love, Martha Stewart and Michael Jackson? They can all buy you and sell you a million times. Well, maybe not France. Do you have some bitter resentment of rich people? Huh? Do you?


Bill Gates

Seattle, WA

Dear Bill:

Give me a ten million and we can solve this right now. No. I'm serious. Give it to me. I've always wanted to see if I got filthy rich if I would turn all snotty and phony like Judge Schmales and Kathy Lee Gifford. My gut instinct is that I would. Get all snotty, that is.

Dear Alex:

What sucks more, your jokes or the New York Mets?

Just wondering.

Mike Piazza

Somewhere in "Tres chic" SoHo.

Dear Mike:

That's a good question. I've got to go with the Mets. And that's only because my jokes don't experience off-season problems. And my jokes do a lot better on the road. Just imagine how bad my jokes would be if you had to read them at Shea Stadium? Scary, huh?

Dear Lexie:

My word, you are funny, witty, you play a mean harmonica, and you work out like a demi-god. Would you like to make out sometime?


Paris Hilton

From the Hilton in Paris

Dear Paris:

Heh, heh, gosh, that is sweet, but I am also married. But to answer your question, sure. Call me when your folks are out of town.

Dear Alex:

Hey, forget that skank, would you like to make out sometime?


Mike Piazza

Dear Mike:

Whoa, back off there, buddy. What do you think I am? That is sick. I would never, ever, make out with a New York Met.

And that's how you play "Answer the reader's mail."