A man in Texas was shocked when the prostitute he booked turned out to be his wife. He was even more shocked when she tried to charge him double.

Dallas Cowboy running back, Ezekiel Elliott, has been suspended six games for domestic violence. And if he makes another mistake during his suspension, he would be out of football. That’s right, he would become a Cleveland Brown.

Dallas Cowboy running back, Ezekiel Elliott, has been suspended six games for domestic violence. Because, as everyone knows, when you want to keep a young rich guy out of trouble, give him six weeks with nothing to do. 

A Dallas Chipotle closed after diners used their iPhones to film mice falling from the ceiling. Isn’t that hard to believe? Diners at Chipotle can afford iPhones? 

Dallas Cowboy running back, Ezekiel Elliott, has been suspended six games for domestic violence. For six weeks, Elliott can only make his “Feed Me” gesture while at McDonalds.

A Dallas Chipotle closed after diners filmed mice falling from the ceiling. The mice were scared off of the ceiling by the cockroaches.   

Dallas Cowboy running back, Ezekiel Elliott, has been suspended for six games for domestic violence.

In Charlotte, violence broke out when protesters attacked a white supremacy march. I’m not sure how supreme the white supremacists were. None of them spelled supremacists right on their signs. 

After just one year in the league, Dallas Cowboy, Ezekiel Elliott, has been in two car accidents, one bar fight and has been suspended for six games for domestic violence. If Elliott is not careful, he could become an Oakland Raider. 

A Dallas Chipotle closed after diners filmed mice falling from the ceiling. The mice were climbing to get out of there to go to the Taco Bell next door.

The Los Angeles Rams and the Los Angeles Chargers got into a brawl at training camp. Shocking critics by proving there is somebody who cares about the Los Angeles Rams and Chargers.

The fight was started when cheap-billionaire Charger owner, Dean Spanos, tried to charge the Rams a practice appearance fee. 

In her lawsuit against a DJ grabbing her ass, Taylor Swift testified the DJ grabbed her ass. Not exactly shocking testimony in a DJ grabbing-ass lawsuit. 

Donald Trump said North Korea threats will be met with “Fire and fury.” Fire and fury is what Donald wants Melania to call him naked in his cowboy hat and holster when they role-play in the bedroom.

A poll reveals 95% cannot locate North Korea on a world map. And 50% cannot locate a map on a map.

And 50% don’t know that North Korea is located above South Korea. 

TMZ is reporting Anthony Scaramucci wants to turn his short White House stint into a sitcom. The working title is “Nobody Loves Anthony.” 

TMZ is reporting Anthony Scaramucci wants to turn his short White House stint into a sitcom. The working title is “How I Met Your Mother-Effer.” 

Donald Trump said North Korea threats will be met with “Fire and fury.”  It’s not that bad of a threat, Fire and Fury are the nicknames of Trump’s driver and putter for golf.

The New England Patriots bought two Boeings for their private use. In a related story, the Cleveland Browns got a Groupon discount on Greyhound Bus Lines.

In London, the World Championships in Track and Field has a norovirus outbreak. It was so bad, some of the Russian athletes were too sick to inject their steroids.

The New England Patriots bought two Boeings for their private use and they will rent them out. Imagine how humiliating it will be for the New York Jets to have to fly in a Patriot plane?






In their 5-3 win against the San Francisco Giants Monday, Javy Baez, hit an inside-the-park home run. Which is amazing when you include Javy’s three seconds of standing at the plate to admire his hit.







Donald Trump said North Korea threats will be met with “Fire and fury.” There’s a rumor that Fire and Fury are the names Melania gave to her vibrating “Facial Toners” in her nightstand. 




The New England Patriots bought two Boeings for their private use. The cost is estimated at $10 Mil. each, but that price could be inflated.

Actually, the planes were supposed to go to the New York Jets, but the Patriots intercepted them.

Glen Campbell - Wichita Lineman

My parents loved this song. Rest in peace.

Quantasia Sharpton, the woman who is suing Usher for exposing her to herpes, held a press conference. She should be suing whoever exposed her to Twinkies.

In “Game of Thrones,” the debate between Jon Snow and Daenerys has led to more discussions on bending a knee then when Monica Lewinski was in the Oval Office with Clinton. 

A cannabis company is buying a California town, Tipton. Next they’re also looking at Bakersfield and Highland.

They’re not going to make any changes except for the name. Welcome to Snoop Dog USA.

“Game of Thrones” was intense. Especially when that evil Cersei caused Chris Pratt and Anna Faris to split up.

Tough entertainment weekend. Not sure when I cried harder, when I heard Chris Pratt and Anna Faris broke up or when Jaimie Lannister’s gold wagon burned up. 

A study says people become addicted to Facebook because it makes them feel good. Which also explains why nobody is addicted to a Stairmaster.

Did you see “Game of Thrones”? Now, I don’t want to say Jaime Lannister’s army got their butt kicked, but even the Cleveland Browns think they stunk.

Did you see “Game of Thrones”? Jaime Lannister’s army got their butt kicked. That’s what happens when you don’t campaign in Michigan or Wisconsin.

The latest “Game of Thrones” cliff-hanger raised questions: what will happen with Cersei? Will Jon Snow fall for Daenerys? Why does everyone have an English accent and an African American name?

Quantasia Sharpton, the woman suing Usher for exposing her to herpes, held a press conference. In a related story, millions of young boys quietly gave up their dream to be a pop star.

Since you asked:

Here is my updated official list of Chicago Cubs Nicknames:

Willson “The Barefoot” Conteras. 

Anthony “Rizzbone” Rizzo

Kris “K-Bear” Bryant

Ian “The Cubs are not” Happ “less.” 

Addison “Streeeeet” Russell

Javy “Joan” Baez

Ben “Zoobie” Zobrist

Kyle “The Schwarbarian” Schwarber

Jason “Weird-Beard” Hayward

Jake “The Snake” Arrieta

Alberto “I want to get back to my wife in” Almora. (“It's A Wonderful Life” reference) 

Jon “Jay-Bird” Jay

Kyle “Jimi” Hendricks.   

Fresh From The Factory of Political Metaphors

On the VP Pence shadow presidential campaign reported in “The New York Times.”

“The Vice President does not want to be seen measuring the curtains in the Oval Office.”

“Pence’s statement against the article was using a size 12 to kill a cockroach.”

“Pence’s statement was given to an audience of one.”

“Pence’s statement used a backhoe to kill an ant hill.”

“No QB wants to hear his receivers were practicing with his backup after practice.”

“No diva wants to bump into her understudy making out with the producer.” 

“When the golfer asks his caddy for the big dog, he doesn’t want him to give him a lob wedge.”

“No ship captain wants to yell, “Come about,” and have the first mate say, “Can we talk privately?” 

“No A-dog wants to get a B rating from the health inspector.”



So was I fat-shaming Quantasia Sharpton? Well, maybe. But it was that or Ho'/Idiot/Con-artist/Golddigger shaming. 

Four years ago, commentator Ozzie Guillen blamed then-Yankee, Alex Rodriguez's, batting slump on dating Madonna. He was right. Dating Madonna messed up the careers of Dennis Rodman, Mickey Mantle, Babe Ruth and Teddy Roosevelt’s Rough Riders. 

Including the horses.

*****

Usain Bolt had his 45-win streak broken at the World Championships in London by two-time drug cheat, 8-year-banned 35-year-old Justin Gatlin. “But I am sure Justin is no longer cheating with drugs,” said somebody without a straight face.