Iraq claims the head of ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was killed in a rocket attack. His replacement is Ohell Noyew D’ Ent.

It turns out a Secret Service agent was on his cell phone when the intruder entered the White House in September. And worse, he was calling to confirm his hooker appointment.

The comet they just landed a probe on is a giant, useless mass that is getting way too much attention, so I say we name it Kim Kardashian’s Butt.

Kim Kardashian was unable to break the Internet with her naked butt. That Al Gore just made the thing too damn strong.

The European Space Agency landed a probe on a comet traveling 45,000 MPH. And here in the US we tried to break the Internet with Kim Kardashian’s giant naked ass.

In Syria, ISIS and al Qaeda have agreed to stop fighting and work together. So maybe there is hope Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian will end their feud.

The investigation of the Secret Service lapses that allowed an intruder to jump the fence and go deep into the White House has revealed a number of errors. The mistakes are so bad they are being described as almost Oakland Raider-like.

Kobe Bryant, who is about to set the NBA record for most missed shots, has written his memoirs. It’s tough to read Kobe’s memoirs, because he keeps missing the point.

If we can land a probe on a comet going 45,000 mph 300 million miles away, how come we cannot get a man back on Madonna?

Uruguayan soccer star Luis Suarez on his three-time bad habit of biting. “Biting scares a lot of people. But it’s relatively harmless.” Try telling that to Roy of Siegfried and Roy.

(Assist Janice Hough)

Since you asked;

One day I am going to walk into an advanced mathmatics class at UCSD, go up to the white board and get all "Beautiful Mind" on my ass and start furiously writing out a series of complicated equations, numbers, letters and symbols. 

When the entire board is covered, the professor of the class will stroke his grey beard and suddenly scream out:

"Oh my god, you just solved the question of man's existence."

And then he'll look closer at it and say;

"Oh, sorry, no it is just a bunch of crap." 

Here’s all I needed to know about Kobe Bryant.

In his book, Phil Jackson presented Kobe and the Lakers a new twist on the offense that would cut down a little on Kobe’s shots, but increase his shooting percentage, and it would give two other players more shots. The result was a pure mathematical solution that would result in many more wins.

Kobe said no. He refused to do it.

The previously unimaginable then occurred to Phil Jackson: Kobe Bryant cared way more about his shots - and his salary - than he did about the team winning. That is on a level of Alex Rodriguez-like egomania and selfishness.

The vast difference between Michael Jordan, willing to do whatever it took to win, and Kobe Bryant, selfish beyond description, is the exact difference why so many sports fans no longer care about the NBA.

Isn't it interesting that the classy athletes, like Jeter, Duncan, Elway, Jerry Rice, Gretzky, their careers end with style? The classless athletes, like Rodriguez, McGwire and Bryant, their careers end in an ugly mess.