It went and got all gunny-sack on our narrow tookus, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

So sad
In sad news, Shaquille O’Neal is getting divorced after five years of marriage. The truth is that Shaq tried to throw his marriage away before, but he missed.

What are the odds?
In New Jersey, 11 public officials were arrested for taking bribes in a massive FBI corruption sting. Whoever heard of bribes and corruption in New Jersey? They’re as rare as gold chains, sweat suits and guys named Tony.

What is with that place?
In Mississippi, a Taco Bell had to close because workers saw a snake in the restaurant; witnesses say the snake was so big and frightening, it almost scared the rats half to death.

In Mississippi – the state with the highest obesity rate, 30%, a Taco Bell had to close because they found a snake in it. Yeah, it reopened after one of the customers saw the snake and ate it.

Oh, snap, no I di . . .nt.
“Newsweek” says men’s bathroom toe-tapper Larry Craig's arresting officer, Sgt. Dave Karsnia, has a picture of himself with Dick Cheney on his desk. Apparently this cop has a thing for top elected officials who like to blast guys in the face.

Would hate to see that
The World Wrestling Entertainment suspended 11 “performers” for steroid use. One can only hope that this scandal doesn’t hurt the credibility of a fake and rigged pre-planned over-hyped theatrical performance.

How hot is it?
It is so hot I got hit on by an old gay republican senator in an airport bathroom just for the creepy chill it gave me.

Oh, snap, yes I di . . .d
Paris Hilton told an interviewer she wants to have a baby next year so she is preparing her body.
Here’s my question: what more can Paris do? She’s already having sex with every guy on earth.
Is she going to install a ramp with a revolving door to her vagina?

Lex, Lex, Lex, tsk, tsk, tsk
Paris Hilton told an interviewer she wants to have a baby next year so she is preparing her body. Not to be crude, but I think Paris has pretty much already prepared her body to have a baby. At this point the baby should be able to dance out doing the “Shuffle Off to Buffalo.”

Cubbie slight-cough-due-to-cold, catch it
The Chicago Cubs are still a half game in front in the NL Central. The Cubs fans are worried. They haven’t had to delay their bitter disappointment this much for a long time.

Hate to see that, too
In her post-loss US Open interview, Serena Williams was sullen, surly and utterly classless blaming her sound trouncing by #1 Justin Henin on “lucky shots.” You can’t blame Serena for being grumpy. She looks like she’s taken so many steroids, her testicles are starting to shrink.

Sound familiar?
Last night on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” “Law and Order” actor Fred Thompson announced he is running for President. Who ever heard of something as stupid as an actor announcing he is running for high office on a talk show? Right Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Last night on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” Fred Thompson announced he is running for President. As an actor, Thompson personified the glad-handing, shrewd, scotch-sipping cigar-smoking Washington bureaucrat. In fact, before he even became a senator, Thomson looked so much like a Washington lawmaker, he was given bribes by mistake.

You gotta want it to win it, and we want it more, you gotta want it to win it so go out and score, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How . . . hot . . . it . . .it?
Man it is hot. I’m sweating like a Fantasy Football Player asking a girl for her phone number.

It is so hot I put up with getting hit on by a gay republican senator in an airport bathroom just for the air conditioning.

It was so hot people bought tickets to see “Evan Almighty” just for the air conditioning.


Not hard to believe
A study reveals that rock stars are two to three times more likely to die a premature death. I believe that, Keith Richards has died a premature death two or three times himself.

Duh dunt dah dunt dah duuuh dunt dah dah dunt dah dah
Hurricane Felix has hit Central America. Hurricane Felix is unusual because it doesn’t destroy your house, it cleans it up.

Yikes
The Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry has fathered nine children with nine different mothers. In fact, at the opening of their last preseason game, Travis ran out the tunnel past the two rows of cheerleaders and accidentally got three of them pregnant.

Travis went to high school in Florida. Lord knows how many teachers he got pregnant.

That quick
President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq. It was such a surprise, the military spokesperson didn’t have enough time to prepare his list of the latest set backs.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
President Bush will attend the Australia economic summit this week in Sydney. There was an awkward moment when President Bush suggested they bring Arnold Schwarzenegger to Australia as a translator.

Thought it rang a bell
In one of the biggest upsets in college football history, Appalachian State defeated #5 ranked Michigan 34-32 in Michigan. Prior to this the term Appalachian State was when a girl got pregnant by her cousin.

Appalachian State is in Boone South Carolina. This is the most exciting thing that has happened in Boone since deputy Barney Fife almost shot Goober with his only bullet.

Since you up and asked-like:

Sure, we like to kid the Fantasy Football players up in this blizzy, but that just goes to show that what we joke about isn’t always what we think. Myself, I am a huge fan of the Fantasy Football and, thanks to my buddy Ray, I am in a fun league.

Yesterday was our big draft and it started on a bummer as I somehow messed up and failed to save my six keepers from last year’s team. But, thanks to a lot of whining and the technical expertise of my aforementioned buddy, Ray, I was able to keep Peyton “Place” Manning, Chester “The Jester” Taylor, Fred “Those cuffs need a” Taylor, Laveraneous “And Shirley” Coles, Antonio “Heaven’s” Gate and Vince “Forever” Young.

In addition to those studs I picked up some key players including “Wrapped up like a” Deuce McCallister, Muhsin “Take the mountain to” Muhammad, Santonio “There’s no place like” Holmes and Warrick “This steak is” Dunn.

As (knock on wood) Peyton is as reliable at quarterback as Paris Hilton is at skank, I can trade Vince Young “And the restless” for an even better receiver. During the Colts bye week I can pick up some scrub QB bitch from the wire and then dump him like Kate Hudson dumped Owen Wilson. Hell, I picked up Vince Young from waivers when I dumped Rex Grossman mid season.

For those of you rolling your eyes thinking “My word, the only thing sadder than a Fantasy dork is a comedy writing Fantasy dork” let me explain. Fantasy Football is just a lot of fun all by itself, trash talking via e-mail to your opponent owner during the week, negotiating trades, the draft is a blast, making roster moves, placing bets, and then seeing if your team wins.

But in addition to that, it makes virtually every NFL game worth watching and fun when you would normally not give a rat’s tookus about it. Between the 12 players, your six starters and your opponent’s six starters, there probably can’t be a game where one of them isn’t involved. Not only that, but you want to keep an eye on the six players you put on your bench.

So, Slats and Nugsters, there you have it, the gospel of Lex’s Fantasy Football team, Thor’s Thunder, in a shell where there once was a legume of some kind.

So gaze in wonder at the glory that is Thor’s Thunder. Boooooooooooooo Yahhhhhhhhhh.

(Polite golf-like applause)

Spry and fit and boyishly handsome Lex’s sad, sad story of the week:

So there I was, all giddy and primed and pumped and nervous and excited to go Stand Up Paddleboard surfing in some real surf. So I pull up to the state beach parking lot at Cardiff Point and there is a young fellow surfer dude in the parking attendant booth. The sign says “Parking $8.00 Senior Citizen Discount Available”

So I veritably chuckle to my young co-hort, my board brauddah, my fellow gnarly dude;

“Heh, heh, so how much is the Senior discount?” Without batting an eye he says flatly;

“That will be five dollars, sir.”

Yeeeouch.

“I was kidding,” I hissed as I glumly forked over the eight bucks all the while giving this skinny little stoned high school loser a dirty look.

It’s good to know my pride is worth more than three bucks. Not much more, but it is worth three bucks.

It ain’t nothing but a thing we do when we do that thing that we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

All choked up
There was an emotional moment during Carl Rove’s last day at the White House. Rove choked up as he handed over President Bush’s puppet strings over to Dick Cheney.

Who knew?
Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex in a men’s room. What is with all of these republican gay sex scandals? When did G.O.P. stand for Grabbing Other Penises?

Now that’s bad
Britney Spears new single has been leaked to the Internet and it is bad; how bad? It’s so bad, Kevin Federline wouldn’t put it on one of his albums.

Britney Spears new single has been leaked to the Internet and it is bad; how bad? It’s so bad, when her two-year-old heard it he almost drove into a wall.

Britney Spears new single has been leaked to the Internet and it is bad; how bad? It’s so bad, when Britney’s youngest heard it he dropped himself.

We kid the Grand Old Party
Toys R Us has recalled thousands of toy art sets made in China because they contain too much lead. Lead in the toy art sets? We don’t want our kids growing up to be gay and brain damaged. That would make them Republican congressmen.

After many politicians have been outed by gay sex scandals recently, people seem surprised that so many politicians turn out to be closet homosexuals. Really? It seems natural they would eventually try to do to another man what they’ve done to us taxpayers for years.

Paying her way
The recently deceased “Queen of Mean” billionaire Leona Helmsley left $12 million dollars to her female Maltese, Trouble. It’s not as obscene as it sounds. Trouble did earn a lot of that money herself when Leona bet on her during Michael Vick’s dog fights.

Eww
Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex in a men’s room. Not to go into the sordid details, but let’s just say, in that bathroom, the hand dryer wasn’t the only thing that you tap on to blow.

Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex in a men’s room. More details are coming out. Not to go into the sordid details, but let’s just say, in that bathroom, the liquid soap dispenser wasn’t the only thing that was getting pumped.

Good luck with the pipes
Atlanta officials have proposed an ordinance banning low-riding pants. If this happens it will make it virtually impossible for anyone in Atlanta to hire a plumber.

What is going on?
Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex in an airport men’s room. What is happening to this country when a person can’t go into an airport bathroom stall to conceal their drugs without getting hit on for gay sex?

Fertile
The Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry has fathered nine children with nine different mothers in four different states. Good thing Henry isn’t a quarterback or he could get the center pregnant.

Back to this guy
Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex in a men’s room. What is with all of these republican gay sex scandals? They are going to have to start a gay division of the Republican party. The Republ-in-the-cans.