Saturday, June 12, 2004

Oh, it's off the hook now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A.D.D. for dogs
*German scientists now believe that dogs understand us more than we thought. A German dog, named Rico, can recognize the name of 200 different objects. Do you realize what this means? My dogs, Wrigley and Kasey, are learning impaired.

It is my suspicion that Wrigley is dyslexic. He gets everything I tell him backwards. Stay? He comes. Roll over? He stands up. Fetch? He takes a nap. No? He does it. Stop? He goes. Come here? He pees on poor Kasey's head.

I guess he didn't go with my suggestion for the title: Bill Spills
Bill Clinton’s biography “My Life” is out. As in his past, I’m not sure how forthcoming Clinton is with the truth in his book. At our local bookstore, it’s listed in the fiction section.

Watching the out-pouring of affection for Ronald Reagan, it made me think that, when it’s Clinton’s time to go, because of his scandals and dishonesty, Clinton won’t evoke nearly as much emotion and sadness. Well, except from comedy writers.

Clinton’s biography is 957 pages long. To give you an idea how big that book is, it almost weighs as much as one of his interns.

Since you asked:
For the love of decency, why am I still hearing songs on classic rock radio from the damn band Boston? They were horribly over-played back in the seventies. And one of the most over-rated bands of all had to be Rush. What was that, rock for dorks?

Folks, I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, starting with Emerson Lake and Palmer, and following through with Boston and especially Rush, for the millionth time, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PSUEDO-INTELLECTUAL ROCK.

Don't make me come up there.
(Polite applause)

Friday, June 11, 2004

Now we play callin’ and straight ballin’ in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

J. Ho update
*J. Lo has been married to a model, a dancer and a singer. Now if she just marries a cowboy and a construction worker she’ll have her own ex-husband Village People.

*It’s day six of Jennifer Lopez’s marriage. But who’s counting? J. Lo thinks their marriage will stand the test of time. You know, next weekend.

*The rumor is that Jennifer Lopez is pregnant. When reached for a comment, a majority of the possible fathers were said to be very excited.

Do the math
*A study claims there is no statistically significant correlation between levels of income and sexual activity. Whoever did this study apparently doesn’t know that Bill Gates is married with children.

The right moment?
*The Western Open golf tournament is now the Cialis Western Open. Let’s all hope, during an exchange between analysts David Feherty and Gary McCord, that a relaxing moment doesn’t become the right moment.

Now that the Western Open is the Cialis Western Open, I hope this doesn’t mean that NBC commentators Jim Nance and Johnny Miller will broadcast from matching bathtubs.

Now that the Western Open is the Cialis Western Open. Cialis is the erectile-dysfunction drug with the motto; “When a relaxing moment turns into the right moment.” That’s funny because, for a lot of guys, the right moment is when they’re out playing golf.

*It is now believed that dogs understand us more than we thought. A German dog, named Rico, can recognize the name of 200 different objects. That’s twenty more than Jessica Simpson.

The article stated that Rico automatically understood words like “the blue dinosaur” “the little red doll” and “watch out for that Korean deli owner.”

Yeah, like him
*Basketball legend Larry Bird said the NBA needs more white superstars, a really famous white superstar, like Michael Jackson, for instance.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

This just in:
Day Five of J. Lo’s marriage. I’m not sure if it’s going all that well. During moments of passion, J. Lo has slipped and called Marc Anthony: Bennifer.

Oh, that is just so whack, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

J. Ho
*Rumor has it that J. Lo is pregnant. Yeah, if it’s a girl they are going to name her after the mother, Jennifer. And if it’s a boy, they are going to name him after the father, Puff Diddy Some-Dancer-Guy Ben Anthony.

*J. Lo dumps Sean “Puff Diddy Daddy” Combs to marry some dancer, then dumps him for Ben Affleck, then bags him and marries Marc Anthony? Now, I don’t want to imply that J. Lo is a ‘Ho, but there are bowling shoes that haven’t been on that many guys.

Not that I have, mind you
*A University of Chicago study claims there is no connection between sex and money. I don’t know if I buy that. Have you ever tried to get a lap dance in exchange for a cute anecdote?

That nervous
*This is a big game three tonight between the Detroit Pistons and the L.A. Lakers. Just to show you how big it is, yesterday, in his hotel room, Kobe Bryant was too nervous to eat the sack lunch his wife packed him.

Love to love you, baby
*Troubled singer Courtney Love has been charged with assaulting a woman with a flashlight at the home of her ex-boyfriend. Courtney is said to be running from the law and on the lamb. The good news is that the lamb is the safest thing Courtney’s been on in two years.

Too much information and not enough cloth
*It has been revealed - by Kobe Bryant and confirmed by Shaq – that, get ready, Shaquille O’Neal wears thong underwear. Actually, in Shaq’s case, it’s more of a converted hammock.

Shaq wears a thong? Kind of brings new meaning to the basketball term offensive foul.

Shaq wears a thong? And you thought the Detroit Piston’s defense didn’t adequately cover Shaq.

Shaq wears a thong? This is a tidbit of information I personally could have gone a tad longer without knowing. Like, oh, say an eternity.

Things have changed
*One of the nicer things about the Ronald Reagan tributes are all the stories emerging of Reagan’s random acts of kindness. The nicest thing Bill Clinton ever did was to offer an intern a post-sex Kleenex.

How hot is it?
To give you an idea how hot it has been in New York, in Times Square, guys are paying hookers to blow ON them.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

So now, that’s how we roll up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Anyone buy this?
A University of Chicago study claims there is no connection between sex and money. I don’t know if I buy that. There sure as hell is a connection between no money and no sex. The line: “Hey gorgeous, how about coming over to my refrigerator cardboard box” has never worked.

Just try and take a hot date to a soup kitchen and see how that works out for you.

Oh sure, there is no connection between sex and money. All of those super models are just magically attracted to Donald Trump's wonderful hair. Can I get a break one time?

This much we know
*Kobe Bryant made an unbelievable three point shot to put the Lakers in overtime. Between the playoffs and the details of his case, if there is one thing we have learned about Kobe it’s that the man can make a come-from-behind shot.

Might be true, or . . .
*The big rumor is that Jennifer Lopez is pregnant. J. Lo might be pregnant. She has this glow about her. Of course that could be the Sun reflecting off of her butt.

Beavis and Bushhead
Venus makes a rare appearance in front of the Sun. When informed, President Bush started giggling uncontrollably and snickered; “Heh, heh, Venus rhymes with penis. Heh.”

Getting antsy
*J. Lo has been married for four days. People who attended the wedding are getting nervous; they may not get their wedding presents back this time.

We deserve a break today
*In Hillsboro, North Carolina, a man drove through the McDonald’s drive-through naked. When the police asked for a description of the naked man, the McDonald’s cashier said all she could remember was that, when she saw him, the term Super-Size did not spring to mind.


Tuesday, June 08, 2004

This just in:
Marc Anthony refused to discuss his alleged wedding to J.Lo on both “The Today Show” and “The View.” Under the “Celebrities who don’t get it” meter, that ranks right there with Tina Louise refusing to discuss her “Gilligan’s Island” role of Ginger.

Marc Anthony is a salsa singer? Is there a lot of money in singing about a condiment?

Can we make a new entertainment industry rule? From now on, if you appear on a talk show, and you just married Jennifer Lopez, you officially have to talk about it.
We ain't gonna do you like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bad start

*Rumor has it the J. Lo / Marc Anthony wedding is already off to a shaky start. They can’t agree on the grounds of their divorce.

To paraphrase singer Tom Waits, J. Lo has been married so many times, she’s got rice marks on her face.

This was a big week for Marc Anthony, in addition to being in that somewhat elite group of men who have married Jennifer Lopez, Anthony also won the Steve Buscemi look-alike contest.

The ceremony was an hour long, which automatically qualified this as Jennifer’s second longest marriage.

It’s a good thing Jennifer Lopez hates drawing attention to herself. J. Lo reminds me of that drama queen everyone knew in high school:

“Stop looking at me, please, stop looking at me. Hey, why isn’t anyone looking at me? Look at me, darn it.”

Two firsts
*Phylicia Rashad has become the first black woman to win best actress at the Tony Awards on Sunday. And, thanks to Hugh Jackman, it was also the first time the Tony for best actor was won by a straight male.

This just in on Marcifer
*On “The Today Show” Marc Anthony refused to admit to Matt Lauer, that he married Jennifer Lopez. Good move. Everyone knows you don’t promote a cheap publicity stunt until the press stops reporting about it.

Bad attitude
*Allen Iverson’s Rolls Royce was ticketed for parking in a handicapped spot at Philadelphia International airport. Apparently Iverson thought he could park there due to his severely challenged attitude.

Not clear on the concept
*The Tampa Bay Lightening beat the Calgary Flames to win the Stanley Cup. You can tell the Tampa fans aren’t experienced hockey fans; to celebrate, instead of a drunken riot, they took a nap before the early bird special.

Getting there
Now, I don't want to say the Los Angeles Lakers are desperate to beat the Detroit Pistons in game two tonight, but, today, they flew Kobe Bryant to the Colorado Courtroom and he didn't have the trial today.

Since you asked:
(Get ready to go under the hairdryer with me)

I used to know this woman, like J. Lo without the talent, meeoow, who was simply off-the-charts difficult. She was pretty in a one-of-many-porn-stars kind of way (think Kobe Bryant's wife without the fashion sense) but the way she acted like a Diva would have embarrassed Lady Diana and Christina Agul, Aguieal, Agularlarla . . . that skanky singer.

When this pain-in-the-arse woman was in her twenties, at the top of her looks game, she went out of her way to make everyone completely miserable about it, especially herself:

"Why do people always stare at me? Why can't they just judge me as a person? Why do I have to have all of this pressure of being perfect? You wouldn't understand, this just isn't fair."

These epic monuments of self-absorption tantrums were usually followed by a dramatic huffy foot stomp.

This woman claimed to have had more stalkers than Madonna or Barbra Streisand combined. In her prime, she came up with a new “stalker” at least every three months. At one time she claimed to have had an entire group of stalkers.

Then, the split-second she turned 30, it was an even more shrill cry of;

"Why is everyone looking at those young girls? What do they have I don't have? This isn't fair."

Huffy foot stomp.

Although, thankfully, I don’t have to deal with her anymore, it would be my guess she is not taking her forties well at all. It would not surprise me to hear that she has had more work done on her than a ‘56 Chevy. Or Cher.

Imagine when the press stops caring about J. Lo's subsequent marriages? That, on many levels, will not be pretty, my friends.
(Polite applause)