Friday, August 05, 2005

What we got here is a passel of rapscallions, reprobates, firebrands, rabble-rousers, ne’er-do-wells, scofflaws, recreants and general backsliders, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(How cool would it be to get Sam “Meat. It’s what’s for dinner” Elliot to say that? )

Now that’s hot
It was so hot in New York City, Paris Hilton finally got sick of saying “That’s hot.”

Man it was hot in New York. It was so hot, at Madame Toussad’s wax museum, the Shaquille O’Neal statue melted down to a big mound and they had to rename it Star Jones.

I’m tellin’ you it was so hot in New York, at Madame Toussad’s wax museum, the Kirstie Alley statue melted down and they had to rename it Connecticut.

Fight the lumber there so we don’t have to fight it here
A University of Idaho graduate student has developed a process that turns wood into crude oil. Upon hearing this, President Bush announced we are going to invade and liberate the Ace Lumber yard.

Boxing vs. Porn
Mike Tyson recently said that he’s considering starring in a porno movie. The difference for Tyson between porn and boxing, will be that, in boxing, taking a dive is a bad thing.

There it is
President Bush is taking a five-week vacation. Or as he calls it, his Washington D.C. exit strategy.

Curb your carbs
The diet company Atkins filed chapter 11 bankruptcy. To show how broke they are, instead of the low carb diet, Atkins is now using a low curb diet. You eat things you find in the street.

The diet company Atkins filed chapter 11 bankruptcy. You remember the Atkins diet? The way it worked is you lose weight from burning so many calories because of talking endlessly about being on the Atkins diet.

Sounds familiar
In a recent interview, Lance Armstrong said he just wants to lie around the house and drink beer while his singer girlfriend works; at which point Kevin Federline said; “Hey, beat it, I’m working this side of the street.”

In a recent interview, Lance Armstrong said he just wants to lie around the house and drink beer; so that means next year he will compete in the Tour de Federline.

Get it?
People are saying the movie “Dukes of Hazard” is insulting for stereotyping Southerners as stupid hicks. One West Virginia man said his wife and sister were offended. And she usually likes everything.

Scientific proof my daughter has my DNA:

She was on the phone with her Mom and I heard her say;

“Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. I’m going to hang up now because I don’t want to talk anymore. Bye Mom.”Click.

Proof that males and females are a different species:

When opening her birthday presents, Ann Caroline carefully opens the tape and removes the ribbons intact.

P.S. General Backsliders is my new country rock band

Thursday, August 04, 2005

We haulin', ballin' and play callin' wit' them firebrands, rapscallions and reprobates now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Putting the iron in Irony
Congress is going to investigate if Viagra pitchman and Oriole slugger Rafael Palmeiro committed perjury by saying he didn’t take steroids. Can you imagine if Palmeiro is guilty and has to go to prison? Pitching all that Viagra could really come back to haunt him.

It would not be good to meet your cellmate with the phrase “Hi there, I’m an Oriole.”

Adidas bought Reebok and are serious about beating shoe giant Nike. Yeah, today to try and steal Kobe Bryant from Nike, Adidas dressed up a contract lawyer as a room service waitress.

The New York Daily News reports that Martha Stewart’s house arrest will be extended for an extra three weeks. Not to punish Martha, but apparently her estate staff did something wrong.

And the wind cried Harry
According to a new book, Jimi Hendrix got out of going to Vietnam by pretending that he was gay. Yeah, he changed the line in “Purple Haze” from “excuse me while I kiss the sky” to “excuse me while I kiss this guy.”

Apparently he sang “Foxy Lady” to his male recruiting officer.

Tour de Brewski
In a recent interview, Lance Armstrong says now that he's retired he wants to lay around the house all day and drink beer. In a related story Budweiser launched a new “Be Like Lance” commercial.

Sick but true
Have you heard about the latest fad beauty treatment? This is true. People are actually getting the dark skin around their anus bleached white. Yeah, I think the procedure is called a Michael Jackson.

Have you heard about the latest fad beauty treatment? People are actually getting the dark skin around their anus bleached white. One time they used too much bleach. Yeah, it nearly rectum.

That musta been it
The baseball players who tested positive for steroids, Rafael Palmeiro and Ryan Franklin, both claim they accidentally took steroids. How do you suppose that happened? “Oh no, instead of my Flintstone vitamins with calcium, I took the Flintstones vitamins with steroids by mistake.”

Don’t you just hate it when you accidentally sit on a hypodermic needle filled with steroids? I hate that.

Since you asked:

Since the recent Since you asked was pretty much about the wonder of me being me on harmonica, I should bring myself down a peg.

One time a woman called from a band saying they were looking for a harmonica player and had heard I was pretty good. She then asked if I could sing background vocals as well. I turned to my lovely, sweet wife, Virginia, and said;

“They want to know if I can sing background vocals. What should I tell them?”

Virg thought about it a second and said;

“I’d tell them that you are primarily a harmonica player."

Since you asked, dos
Ann Caroline and I play a dumb game I call “I got your bean head.” When we are walking along I will grab the top of her head with one hand and say “I got your bean head.” She will try and wiggle away and they say “No you don’t.” It ain’t gonna replace Texas Hold ‘Em, but it’s cute.

The other day Ann Caroline was deep in thought and I grabbed the top of her head but she didn’t say anything. So I asked “What have I got?” She just sighed and said; “My bean head.”

Oh come on, that’s cute if you imagine the little kid voice.

Seriously, don't make me stop this car.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

This just in with an assist from sister and brother O'Snake

A Discovery astronaut removed gap filler fabric from the belly of the Space Shuttle thus officially making this mission the world’s most expensive queer makeover.

We loves us some A.C. up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

So utterly mean
Britain’s Committee on Advertising says that liquor ads are too sexy and that they should feature unattractive middle-aged men like, well, Camilla Parker Bowles.

Come on and spill the beans, fellers
Today President Bush talked via satellite hook-up to the Space Shuttle astronauts today and said, “Thank you for being risk-takers for the sake of exploration.” Bush then went on to add; “Now, seriously, how do you go potty in them there suits?”

That explains it
It’s been reported that in 2000 Osama Bin Laden attempted to poison a huge batch of cocaine going to the United States. Apparently Osama hates techno dance music as much as the rest of us.

Woke up this morning, all that love had gone
In New Jersey, legislators are trying to pass a bill that would ban smoking while driving a car. With the notable exception of Tony Soprano in the intro to his HBO show “The Sopranos.”

Dumb joke warning
Sadly, Saudi Arabia’s King Fahd was buried in Riyadh. Why? Because he’s dehad.

Yeah, 'cause that’s what we need
The Oliver Stone bomb “Alexander” is out on DVD featuring additional footage. Because that’s what we really need right now is more of the movie “Alexander.” We need more “Alexander” like Kirstie Alley needs more fudge.

T.O. is loco
“The Washington Post” headline read “Eagles President Says Owens is Committed.” The article then said Terrill Owens will practice with the Eagles during renegotiations. When I first read that Owens was committed I thought, finally, T.O. is going to get the mental care he so deeply needs.

“The Washington Post” headline read “Eagles President Says Owens is Committed.” Turns out they meant Owens is sticking with the Eagles, I thought he was being committed institutionally. An easy mistake about someone who said; “I loves me some me.”

How hot is it?
It is still hot back east. In Times Square the perverts are applying SPF 50 before they flash.

It is hot back east. For an extra $50, the hookers in Times Square are now offering fan jobs.

There is a kids science fair touring that features disgusting human bodily functions like body odor and all disgusting aspects of digestion, called Grossology. It was initially conceived by Michael Moore’s personal maid.

I would like to introduce a new feature all the good people here at a.L.b.b. like to call:

Whose daughter is this again?

Today is Miss Ann Caroline Kaseberg’s seventh birthday. Thank you.

Last week, our good friend Stacy – who has known my wife Virginia since high school in Grand Junction, Colorado – came over when I was grilling my, if I do say so, killer bacon avocado cheese burgers. When I offered Stacy a juicy burger she was crestfallen saying she had just eaten some crappy leftover stuff for dinner. No problem, I told her I would make it for her some other time.

Last night, when I asked Ann Caroline what she wanted for dinner on her birthday, she said;

“Stacy’s coming for dinner so let’s make hamburgers ‘cause she didn’t get one last time.”

Sweet, cute and thoughtful. Whose daughter is this again?

Is it just me?
Am I losing my mind? Is my brain so fried and shot that I am losing it already?

For example, when I am writing away in a true frenzy, I will get a thought that I should look up a word in the online dictionary or Google something or check a news story on MSNBC or update the blog, anything else really, so I click on the home page, it pops up quickly thanks to our cable connection. Then I click on my saved “Favorites” which, admittedly is rather lengthy, I start to scroll down and then it happens: I see something shiny and totally forget what the hell I wanted to do in the first place. One of the favorites hits me as suddenly interesting and I lose whatever thought was in my stupid head.

So then I go back to the document I am working on, run into the word or story I went to research in the first place, think Oh, yeah, I was going to check on that, and the process starts all over again. This can cycle three or four times in a row.

In the words of Forrest Gump; “I’m not a smart man.”

Since you asked:

You know how I told you how my TiVo thinks I’m gay? That isn’t always a bad thing. It taped an episode of the “Ellen Degeneris Show” and it is funny. As I am watching it, Ann Caroline says;

“She sounds a lot like Dory from “Finding Nemo.”

Sniff. That’s my girl.
How you livin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Goal met
President Bush had his physical and his heart rate has gone down from 52 to 47. So, congratulations, the President finally met his goal of getting his heart rate below his I.Q.

Poor guy
Miami Dolphin rookie tackle Manuel Wright left practice crying after the coach yelled at him. I would like to think we have evolved enough not to joke about a football player having human emotions. I would like to think that but it’s simply not true: what a baby. Did da widdle football player get his feewings hurted? Awww. Suck it up and hit someone, Slappy.

Miami Dolphin rookie tackle Manuel Wright left practice crying after the coach yelled at him. Was he crying? There’s no crying in Football. Jack Youngblood once played a game with a broken leg, did he cry? No. Why? BECAUSE THERE’S NO CRYING IN FOOTBALL.

Miami Dolphin rookie tackle Manuel Wright left practice crying after the coach yelled at him; well there goes his Ram “Tough” monster truck endorsement.

Miami Dolphin rookie Manuel Wright left practice crying after the coach yelled at him; still don’t think our society is getting soft? Johnny Unitas once packed mud into his gums to stop the bleeding after all of his front teeth got knocked out. And this guy needed some alone time for his emotional issues?

Miami Dolphin rookie tackle Manuel Wright left practice crying after the coach yelled at him; and Miami Dolphin Ricky Williams also left practice crying. Not because the coach yelled at him, he found out his dealer left town for the month.

It adds up
Over the weekend they auctioned a real Star Wars light saber for $200,000. Don’t laugh, those Star Wars fans have lots of money. Think of all the money they save from never going on a date.

Saw this one coming
Scientists have discovered a tenth planet in our solar system. It’s called Ruben Stoddard.

Bright-eyed and Bush’s tail
President Bush passed his physical with flying colors. Accept for one thing, when the doctor asked Bush to turn his head to the left and cough, he could only turn his head to the right.

President Bush passed his physical with flying colors but there was one odd thing. The doctor discovered Bush doesn’t have a left testicle, he has two right ones.

Good news, bad news
Baltimore Orioles slugger and Viagra spokesperson Rafael Palmiero tested positive for steroids. The bad news for Palmiero? Without steroids his muscles will shrink. The good news? With Viagra, one muscle will look a lot bigger by comparison.

That’s bad
According to the latest police information shootings in New York are up 70%. It is so bad the taxi drivers have switched to their camouflage turbans.

According to the latest police information shootings in New York are up 70%. It’s so bad that tourists have to try and decide if they want to dive down on the floor of the cab for cover or just take the bullet.

Don’t complain
At the Buick Open in Michigan, after sinking a long putt, Tiger Woods made a; “I can’t hear you” gesture to “see how loud the drunk guys could get.” Hey, Tiger should not knock excessive alcohol consumption. How else do you think he got a Swedish bikini model to marry him?

Stupid question
Now that Lance has won his seventh Tour de France, here is my question: If, due to construction, Lance had to take an alternate route, would that be called the Detour de France?

No, not really
It has been a hot summer back east. In Pennsylvania, even the Amish are saying: “Screw this, thou art getting an air conditioner.”

For J.H. downunder
Barry Bonds said he is out of Major League Baseball for the rest of the year. He won’t join the San Francisco Giants until next year, so there is still no word on when he will return to Major League Baseball.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

What we got to do is to do the do to you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hmm, who would have guessed?
They arrested another man in connection to the London bombings, Osman Hussain. Wonder how they suspected that guy? It couldn’t be because his name is Hussain, could it?

Building a mystery
Now that Andre Agassi has switched his apparel sponsor from Nike to Adidas, you have to wonder what Nike will do with the Andre Agassi building at their campus headquarters? They could call it the Kobe Bryant building but good luck getting any food delivered.

They could call it the Lance Armstrong building but then they’d have to build a Crow’s nest.

They could name it the Andy Roddick building, but then it would always finish second to the Roger Federer building.

Since you asked:

Shelly and Mugwump’s wedding.

What a great time. First class ballroom over-looking Mission Bay. Saw the fireworks from Sea World. Everything was first class and yet the mood was totally relaxed, fun and casual.

All week I was terrified of playing the harmonica with the top party band in San Diego, Inside Out, in front of the top radio show team in San Diego, “The Dave Shelly and Chainsaw Show” on KGB. But once I got there it suddenly hit me, these are just great people having a fun wedding. What’s to get nervous about?

Dinner was a fantastic fillet mignon with mushroom sauce and stuffed chicken and I had dinner with the band. We had a great time talking about “The Dave Shelly and Chainsaw” show as they are all really big fans. Shelly and her brand new husband Mugwumps (Mike) looked sharp in nice beach casual attire and then the band started playing dance tunes.

The crowd of 300 plus was the best I’ve ever seen. Everyone was dancing. At one point I asked the blonde one, Kim, of the two smoking hot female lead singers, who has sang in countless weddings, how she would rate this wedding. The words weren’t out of my mouth when she said; “A Ten. No question.” I have to disagree. You know how in “Spinal Tap” the guitarist has an amp that goes to 11 instead of ten? This wedding was an 11.

So I sat at the band’s dinner table talking to the band’s informal fan/manager/photographer/choreographer named Dana and suddenly the band started the chords to “The Romantiks” “What I Like About You.”

“Holy crap”, I said, “I have a solo on this.” Like someone avoiding a bail bondsman, I sprinted for the stage, opened my harmonica case, found my A harp, turned on my mike, turned around and it was time for my solo. It was perfect. I didn’t have time to think about it and it flowed out like I have never played before. In all modesty, the crowd went stinkin’ nuts.

Mark Murphy, the great lead singer, can play an audience like a fiddle, so he decides the time is perfect for my big Harmonica Jam; we titled the song in honor of Dave, the openly harmonica hating leader of “The DSC Show” recent and rare on air flubs. (Dave told Dan Akroyd he loved “Danny Boy” instead of “Tommy Boy” and he called Charger coach Marty Schotenheimer, Marty Schotenberg)

So naturally we called my solo “Danny Boy Schotenberg.” It ripped.

In the middle of my whaling-if-I-do-say-so riff, Mark hands me his cordless mike and sends me over to Dave’s table. Waltzing through the crowd while playing, I see Dave, and then, without missing a note, sit on his lap and play. Cameras were flashing like Tara Reid’s boob had popped out. Have to say Dave was a great sport about it.

After that the band jammed on Van Hagar’s “Right Now” and, quite frankly, they jammed every other song they did. They tore up AC/DC’s “All Night Long” They had a ripping saxophone player, Aaron, who could work the crowd into a frenzy. We dueled very nicely on “Mustang Sally” trading riffs back and forth.

But the highlight for me was how we killed on the Stones “Honky Tonk Woman.” A having-too-much-fun groom, Mugwumps (Mike) went ballistic dancing and singing right in front of us. That was a great feeling.

This one particularly tall and attractive woman came up and said “I love your harmonica.” When I told her thanks, she said; “When I hear harmonica like that my clothes peel off.” I said; “Wait here, I’ll get my harmonicas.”

It was so surreal and wonderful to finally meet these people and get to know them after listening and writing to them as “Listener Lex” for so long. Bromo, Ruth 66 were really fun and the awesome dirty dancing Chucko and her cool boyfriend were a blast as well as the sweet Emily J. McGuire. Everyone was great.

But the best part was at the end. I walked out to the elevator and there was Dave’s smokin’ hot girlfriend, Nicole. Man, she is strikingly beautiful and so much fun. She danced like a sexy wild woman all night. Dave came over and we all got into the elevator, he gave me a smile and said;

“You were great.”

Sell my shoes, I’m going to heaven.

As I said goodnight to Dave and Nicole –as I now call them - and turned to go outside, Dave whispered something to Nicole and she screamed out; “That’s Listener Lex”? She ran over, gave me a hug the whole while extolling my comedic writing abilities. I think I said something like; “This is the greatest moment of my life.” Dave laughed and rolled his eyes at his wonderfully carrying-on and beautiful date.

Once out in the cool yet oddly balmy night, I was so pumped, so jazzed, so fired up I had to get a drink at the bar before grabbing a long cab ride home. (My lovely wife and daughter had dropped me off) Sitting there at the bar with my Kettle One and tonic, my brain was flying. It was like I had just been in a great dream except that it had really happened. Comedy writing and harmonica playing had just blended together at this amazing wedding party with a ripping band. Met a whole bunch of great people and just had a real blast. It was my perfect storm.

In short, I picked a great night not to suck.