Thursday, September 24, 2009

And don't forget this

Since you asked:

As I am a professional - cough - comedy writer, I took it upon myself today to take some time and analyze my jokes today. They fell into different categories from cultural commentary down to bawdy observations and back up to satiric political comments.

Another distinction they fell into was ironic, sardonic and sarcastic. These are concepts that I have struggled to define and distinguish for a long time. It finally comes down to this, I think.

Naming a boy Curly and having him grow up to be bald is ironic.

Saying to a bald person named Curly, "Curly isn't so curly." is sardonic.

And nicknaming a bald guy Curly is flat out sarcastic.
If I make it through my work out, this is what is waiting

Woot to the woot to the woot, woot, woot, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are writing a book. That sound you hear is Ernest Hemingway spinning in his grave like a rotisserie chicken.

Spencer Pratt is writing a book, but it’s been slow going. The writing would progress faster if Spencer learned how to read.

Spencer Pratt has a book due out. “Wow, I can’t wait to buy that Spencer Pratt book” said nobody who wasn’t an utter douche bag.

Farmers in Norway claim they have found a way to increase milk production by giving the cows a soft mattress to rest on; yeah, it increases milk production and Norwegian farmer’s sex lives.

A new study shows men with larger penises have higher self-esteem; which explains why I think I am the greatest human being alive.

A new poll reveals only 29% of Americans feel news organizations get their facts straight; the other 93% are sure they gets their facts wrong.

Earlier this month, Spencer Pratt gave his wife, Heidi Montag, a puppy for her birthday. And to think I felt bad for Jessica Simpson’s dog that was eaten by coyotes.

In Washington State, an insane murderer escaped while on a field trip to a county fair; in a related story, horror author Stephen King and murder movie maker, Quentin Tarantino, are engaged in violent fisticuffs over the rights to this story.

Federal reserve chairman Ben Bernanke says the recession is “very likely over.” The bad news? Your job is very likely over.

A spokesperson for David Hasselhof claims the actor’s hospital stay was due to an ear infection, not alcohol poisoning. Yeah, he got the ear infection by passing out on the floor with a cheeseburger stuck in his ear.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Some things are . . . well, they just are
Hot, smart, funny, there are just so damn few of us . . .

Twitter trending is the new Twitter trending, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Can anyone explain to me why Sarah Palin won an Emmy for "30 Rock"?

Since you asked:
If anyone never questioned the fickle nature of fame in Hollywood, they weren't following Diablo Cody's weekend. On Sunday, the awesome Diablo was getting gang hate-slammed at the box office with her Megan Fox movie "Jennifer's Body" while, at the same instant, being praised to the heavens with an Emmy for "United States of Tara."

Megan Fox may be living proof that being scorching hot and being liked are not connected.

When celebrity outbursts - like Kanye West and just about anything Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump say - happen, it reminds me I would give almost anything to be able to go up to them and say;

"Listen, we get that your opinion of yourself is a billion times higher than your actual worth as a mostly useless human, but even a flaming egomaniac a-hole like yourself can grasp that your opinion isn't actually more important than everyone else's opinion combined? Or are you really that stupid?

Reason #45,987 Why I Love This Country:

These posts were right next to each other on Twitter:

John McCain:
Addressing the 2009 Foreign Policy Initiative Conference this morning re: Afghanistan and Iran.

Paris Hilton: I loves loves loves me some chocolate. XOXO.

When someone, anyone, utters the three words "My pet ferret" my brain immediately wishes them a quiet buh bye.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Laird Hamilton ripping on a SUP

Keep F'ing that chicken, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Paris Hilton to donate her brain to science after she passes. Science says;

"Gosh, you know what? Thanks, but we're good."

Blockbuster to close 960 stores. We tried to get a comment from a Blockbuster clerk, but she was on the phone and then took a twenty minute break.

You can see a documentary on how Blockbuster went out of business, but it is only available on Netflix.

Crosby Still and Nash are going on tour. Actually it is more of a senior citizen outing.

Since you asked:
Let's raise a glass and toast to all technical help folks and web site designers to hope they all end up in the fresh hell they so richly deserve for all of eternity.

Tried to log on to my fantasy football CBS website and it told me my password was wrong, but not to worry, they would send me one by e-mail. They send me a password with an underscore and about 25 letters and numbers. Fine, I carefully type it in just as they had it. It tells me I can't use any upper case numbers or letters. An underscore - that they sent me for my new password - is an upper case symbol, and they won't let me use it.

You want to be a technical computer help person? Remember this conversation:

"Go click on Start"

"Now click on the icon that says "Caller go F-yourself."

"No, trust me, there is an icon called "Caller go F-yourself."

"You can't find it? Oh, then you have a hardware problem."

And then hang up on them. But, remember, only after you have made them wait on hold for one complete hour.