What do we name this guy? I am leaning toward Otis. 
(Hypothetically. We did not get another dog)

A study claims Donald Trump’s speeches are given at a fifth grade vocabulary level or below. Asked to comment, Trump said; “That study was done by a doody-head.” 

The NCAA tournament had their biggest upset in nine years when #12 Yale beat #5 Baylor. Yale needs work on their trash talking: 

“Say there, athletic protagonist, your sparse usage of the Oxford comma smacks of obtusity.” 

73-year-old Harrison Ford has signed for the fifth Indiana Jones movie in 2019. This one is called “Indiana Jones: Temple of Incontinence.’ 

Supreme Court nominee, Merrick Garland, has tutored D.C. elementary kids for years. Upon hearing this, Sarah Palin was shocked. How could they nominate someone who tortured kids? 

73-year-old Harrison Ford has signed for the fifth Indiana Jones movie in 2019. This one is called “Indiana Jones: Don’t Let Him Fly a Plane.”

Two Californians are suing Starbucks for shorting customers on drink orders. Who do you pick in this one? Two douche-bag Starbucks customers, slimy lawyers or the snotty Starbucks employees? 

The NCAA tournament had their biggest upset in nine years when #12 Yale beat #5 Baylor. The Yale students went so crazy they rioted. Well, not rioted, but some of the guys did let-down their man-buns. 

When asked to name his foreign policy advisors, Donald Trump refused, but said he had them, but he doesn’t use them. Donald Trump just told his lie a lie. 

In Australia, a tipsy 57-year-old Madonna exposed a fan’s breast onstage. When did Madonna turn into my crazy, horny, hippy Aunt Kitty? The one who got drunk at my cousin’s wedding and jumped-on the best man? 

In Australia, 57-year-old Madonna was drunk on stage and exposed a young woman’s breast. And yet she cannot figure out why her 16-year-old son, Rocco, does not want to live with her.

Donald Trump threatened riots at the convention if he does not get the republican nomination. When Donald Trump acts tough it reminds me of a little girl who puts on tiara and believes she’s a princess. 

Donald Trump threatened riots if he does not get the republican nomination. And we should believe Trump. Trump is a tough guy. You try and apply orange makeup and put on a dental-floss wig with those tiny hands. 

A town in Maine may change the name of their street called Katie Crotch Road. You know who really wants to change the name of Maine’s Katie Crotch Road? The man from Nantucket.

A town in Maine may change the name of their street called Katie Crotch Road. You know who really wants to change the name of Maine’s Katie Crotch Road? The town of Beaver, Utah. 

A town in Maine may change the name of their street Katie Crotch Road. Personally I don’t think their new name is better. Katie Crotch Cul-De-Sac. 

Donald Trump threatened riots at the convention if he does not get the republican nomination. Well, at least its nice to see Trump trying to end the violence at his gatherings. 

Former “Subway” spokesperson and convicted pedophile, Jared Fogle, was beaten in prison. The good news is he’ll be fine.  The really good news? Jared Fogle was beaten in prison.

A former OJ Simpson prison guard, Jeff Felix, has written a book  “Guarding the Juice: How OJ Simpson Became Became My Prison BFF.” Better than the first title idea: “OJ’s Bitches and Snitches.” 

People either get the NCAA tournament or they don’t. I told a woman in my office I like Gonzaga sliding into the semis and she reported me to human resources. 

73-year-old Harrison Ford is returning for the fifth Indiana Jones movie. This one is called “Indiana Jones.:The Adventure of the, oh, crap, whom are we kidding? We just want your money.”

A California lawyer is suing her law school because she can’t find a job. This is a benchmark legal case known as Schmuck V. Putzes. 

People are either excited about the NCAA tournament or oblivious. When I told a woman I had Gonzaga falling out of my brackets, she suggested I take Imodium. 

Disney announced that 73-year-old Harrison Ford is returning for the fifth Indiana Jones movie. This one is called “Indiana Jones. The Early-bird Buffet.”

Disney announced that 73-year-old Harrison Ford is returning for the fifth Indiana Jones movie. This one is called “Indiana Jones. Temple of, oh, shoot, what is that temple called again?” 

An anti-Trump ad features women quoting misogynistic things Donald Trump has said. When asked to comment, Trump said; “So what? I get a massage every day. My misogynist is awesome.” 

Guinness handed out an award to a 116-year-old man for being the oldest living person. It is the only award that comes with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. 

Today is National Napping Day. Or as Dr. Ben Carson calls it: Zzzzzzzzzz. 

In California, a lawyer is suing her law school because she does not have a job. It is benchmark legal case known as Douche Bag Vs. Douche Bags. 

A video shows a man in at the Memphis Kellogg plant urinating into Rice Krispies cereal. Now, instead of snap, crackle, pop, it is whiz, tinkle, pee. 

Kellogg’s response? “For a short time only, Rice Krispies is now available with extra iron and potassium.” 

A Serbian bomb-sniffing dog discovered two missiles from Lebanon bound for Portland, Oregon. Luckily the dog was not encrypted . 

The debate continues as to whether Apple should allow access of the San Bernardino terrorist’s encrypted phones. My understanding of encryption is on par with a dog’s understanding of getting his picture taken. 

It’s National Pi day. The math kind of Pi, not the Chris Christie kind of pie.

The top ISIS leader, Omar the Chechen, has been killed by a US drone strike. Now that Omar the Chechen is gone, who’s next in line? Oscar the Grouch? 

The list of celebrities and politicians who support Donald Trump includes Chris Christie, Sarah Palin, Gary Busey, Mike Tyson, Steven Seagal and Ted Nugent. How is OJ Simpson not on this list? 

The good news is Sarah Palin’s husband, Todd Palin, is expected to fully recovery from broken ribs from a snowmobile accident. Todd Palin described the snowmobile accident as cold, scary and quite painful. But all things considered still better than being married Sarah Palin. 

Donald Trump is that weird rich kid in second grade who nobody liked who bribed everyone with Tonka Toy trucks and Barbie dolls to come to his birthday party. 

Celebrities endorsing Donald Trump are Gary Busey, Steven Seagal, Dennis Rodman, Tela Tequila, Mike Tyson and Ted Nugent. Which is also “The Biggest A-Holes Alive” list.

This was the last picture of our Wrigley taken in the last ray of light on the last day of his life. The great hoops coach, Jimmy Valvano, said that if you can laugh, think and cry, that is a good day. 

Each time I think about Wrigley I have a good day.