Friday, November 09, 2012

"Night School" Wally and the two-step romps, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers 

If you didn’t vote because you were still undecided? Don’t worry. You have another four years to decide whether you’re an idiot or an imbecile.

TMZ showed a picture of Kim Kardashian at the gym parking her Rolls Royce in a handicapped spot. I’m not a doctor, but I am pretty sure herpes does not count as a handicap.

Right on the heels of Sandy, the East Coast has been hammered with a snowstorm. This one isn’t powerful, like Sandy, it is just annoying. So they’re calling it snowstorm Trump.

Los Angeles passed proposition B that requires male porn actors to wear condoms. Why is it called Proposition B? They didn’t think the name proposition P.P. would work

Guess their campaign ads worked: “If you want porn stars only sharing love, vote for B so they wear a glove.”

Now that the election is over, I have some serious questions. Why wasn’t there an initiative on the ballot to give mandatory death sentences to technical support operators who put you on hold for an hour and then hang up?

House Speaker, John Boehner, was not happy about the election results; he cried so much there were orange tanning spray stains on his shirt. 

First they had the disastrous super storm Sandy, now the East Coast his being hammered by a snowstorm; this isn’t weather, this is more like divine wrath. Aren’t the New York Mets, New York Knicks and New York Jets punishment enough?

Colorado became the first state to legalize recreational-use marijuana; asked to comment, one Colorado resident said; “Yeah, dude, that’s really cool, I just think that, wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, Dorritos.”

The republican vote in Alabama was so strong a dead republican was voted in over a live democrat; they voted in a dead guy. He’s not very productive, but he doesn’t accept as many bribes as other politicians.

Since you asked:
My family and good friends suffered three tragically untimely losses recently. Now, I don't know much, but I do know this: after the memorial service is over and the hugs and the condolence wishes start to slow, you're still going to truly believe there has been a horrible mistake and they are going to walk through the door again.

There will be many mornings when you wake up and forget that something is horribly wrong and then remember that it won't ever be right again. 

All I can say is, believe it or not, if you hang in there, you will have good days again. Nothing will ever be the same, but you will have good days again.  

Good days like when your puppy, Wally, feels rain on his head for the first time and tries to bite it. Or when he went romping across the lawn chasing a butterfly. 

Anyway, you know who you are and I am thinking about you. 

And I love you.

OK, yes, I can be a bit of a hypochondriac, but...

This time I am pretty certain I have a rare form of lower spine, facial and scalp cancer.

That or I am a little hungover, one...

Oh my god, a "Seinfeld" routine just happened in front of my eyes.

My lovely and wonderful wife, Virginia, is a terminal conversation  no-ender. Lots of;

"Oh, OK, I'll talk to you later, oh, wait, what do you want to do for dinner?"

Well, she has finally met her match in the contractor who is here to fix the bathroom that flooded. Between the two of them it has been endless and endless;

"Oh, wait, and one more thing. What about the . . ."


"George, you've got to call me on my cell phone and say you have an emergency. I am in the clutches of a terminal conversation no-ender. "


"Oh, those are the worst. I used to have a boss who would drag . . ."


"Shut up and call me." 

Thursday, November 08, 2012

How many are upset Mitt Romney lost? How many are happy Barack Obama won? How many are just happy we didn’t have to hear Joe Biden talk?

Republicans, sorry, but try and look at the bright side. Didn’t Donald Trump say he’d leave the country if Obama was re-elected? So that’s good.

Here we try to stay objective and neutral, so republicans, sorry, but it isn’t really the end of the world; democrats, congratulations, but for god sake, stop gloating. You’re acting like Prius drivers.

“It is after the election and I really miss all those campaign ads and recorded phone calls,” said absolutely nobody.

TMZ revealed a picture of Kim Kardashian going to the gym and parking her Rolls Royce in the handicapped spot. Well sure, stupid is a handicap.

President Obama’s top campaign advisor, David Axelrod, said Obama was speaking from his loins. Well it’s nice to see they’re getting some pointers from former President Bill Clinton.

Rocker Rod Stewart has written his biography where he admits he used to ingest cocaine anally. I knew cocaine turned you into an a-hole, I didn’t know the a-hole could cause it.

The people I know who used cocaine would grind their teeth. What did Rod grind?

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

The San Diego Chargers are so excited about their win over the Kansas City Chiefs last week that, this week, they're going to try and beat a real NFL team.

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

One of the last things I did for my mother was to half-carry her to a church on a cold and rainy day to vote in an Illinois primary. She died less than a week later. 

And your excuse for not voting is what? 

He's "Night-school" Wally and the Asbury Jukes, he's "Night-school" Wally, not called Kachooks, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We have a little heat spell; I’m sweating like a politician whose election bribe checks bounced.

I am sweating like a politician kissing a really ugly baby.

We here in Los Angeles have a little heat wave; Or as people on the East Coast call that: “Who gives a crap, you spoiled whimps?”

Last week, the San Diego Chargers defeated the Kansas City Chiefs; the Chargers were so excited, next week, they are going to try and beat a real NFL team.

Gas prices have come down a little. If gas prices drop a little more, Prius drivers will go from insufferable to merely annoying.

The band No Doubt pulled their latest music video because some Native Americans found it offensive. But apparently a team called the Washington Redskins is not a problem.

Here is a last-minute message to all those undecided voters out there: you’re a freaking idiot. You’ve had two years to decide, what the hell is wrong with you?

Monday, November 05, 2012

Paging Miss O'Righty, Miss Carvin O'Righty

What Lydia Callis was really signing:

"Blah, blah, blah, stay safe and dry. Can you believe this Bloomberg midget is a billionaire? Be thankful you're hearing impaired, 'cause his whiny voice is really annoying."

"And why are we giving this press conference again? Hey billionaire genius, if their power is out they can't watch TV."

"Oh my word, he is still talking. Hey, you know that new hot-looking Spanish translator, Carlos? Yep, I am slamming him like a Jersey Shore screen door during Sandy." 

The good news? There are two things Wally won't chew. The bad news? They are his two chew toys.

Beaux cheesy, beaux champs, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Election Day is November 6th; that makes November 7th Silkwood Shower Day.

Guys, choosing a candidate in this election is the opposite of picking a date for New Year’s Eve; in the election you want to chose the one who will suck the least.

A New York policeman was arrested for plotting to kill, cook and eat 100 women. As awful as that sounds, here is the worst part: none of the women were Snooki nor Kardashians.

President Barack Obama called Mitt Romney a “B.S.’r.” Good thing this isn’t getting ugly.

President Barack Obama called Mitt Romney a “B.S.’r.” If Tagg Romney wanted to take a swing at Obama before, now he wants to kick him in the nuts.

Still can’t believe New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie cancelled Halloween, the one holiday where they give out candy; that would be like Arnold Schwarzenegger cancelling National Maid Appreciation Day.

This election is starting to remind me of the party guest who won’t get the hint to leave even though you’re brushing your teeth in your pajamas.

You know what date we’re celebrating? It has been almost a week since Donald Trump has said something annoying.

Since you asked:

No Doubt had to pull their latest video because a tiny minority of Native Americans said they found it offensive.

Take a note, Native Americans: we don’t care. Talk about your politically-correct annoying minority. When we non-Native Americans say Indians, it is not an insult. When we portray a Comanche warrior shooting arrows on top of a painted Mustang horse, it is a compliment. If Native Americans wanted to be offended then we could portray them as Mark Twain described them in “Roughing It” as dirt-squatting drunks begging for handouts.

Billy Mills was once a great Olympic gold medal hero who won the 5,000 meters in an amazing upset at the Tokyo Olympics. Now he is the Native American Jesse Jackson/Al Sharpton. Simply a shake-down artist getting rich threatening to sue corporations who he claims are insensitive to Native Americans.

People do not name their beloved sports teams after something that is insulting. That is why there isn’t the Washington Marketing Callers or the Atlanta Road-Ragers or the Chicago Hipsters. They are the Washington Redskins, the Atlanta Braves and the Chicago Blackhawks.

Sure, I can see how someone could find the name Redskins offensive. Buy it wasn’t offensive when it was named.

It turns out the word Squaw was a nickname for the female sex organ, not a name for Indian women in general. So what? Nobody knew that until ten years ago.

A woman came up to me after my set at the La Jolla Comedy Store to earnestly inform me she was offended by my joke about born-again Christians. (the joke had something to do with how they get born again, but their sense of humor dies

You should have seen the look on her smug face when I informed her I did not give a sh*t since it was not my intention to offend. It was like I knocked the cup of steaming hot entitlement right out of her hands.

 No offense meant means no offense should be taken. Period.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go back to watching my game between the Los Angeles Douche Bros and the Philadelphia Loud Fat Slobs. If the Loud Fat Slobs win they will advance to play the Brooklyn Bitchy Goth-chicks in the playoffs.

 All East Coast storms will remind me of Hurricane Gloria in 1985.

While the rest of Wall Street was evacuating, we covered a bank client who demanded we keep her bond prices active on our computer screens. There were no other buyers or sellers, they had all gone to safety. Finally the owner of our company had to tell her personally to go screw herself.

They say you get the face you deserve, well this evil witch’s lip-less lizard-face made children scream. And her soul was worse. Not sure if her hideousness caused her to be such a horrible person or it was the other way around. It didn’t matter. She was the scariest and most evil human being you or anyone in Hollywood could possibly imagine.

Remember how scared you were as a kid when you saw the wicked witch of the West in “The Wizard of Oz”? Now you remember how scary the flying monkeys were? Combine their faces and that is what this woman looked like.

Honest to Wally, if this bony, she-beast woke up each morning and slathered herself from head to toe with rancid pig fat, she would not be more disgusting than she already was. 

She was just fine with putting our lives at risk for no reason other than she thought it was fun.  (Gloria turned out to be harmless, but nobody knew that at the time) 

Soon after that she caused such a giant financial loss, as an egotistical inept bond trader, she had to be kept on to work off the debt as a sales person before they fired her. 

Since then she has foisted a phony reputation as a "whistleblower" essentially ratting on her superiors when she felt not compensated enough. She claimed she did it for altruistic reasons. She does not have one altruistic cell in her body. She wouldn't save a kitten from a runaway bolder if it did not somehow advance her career.