Go 'Ztecs

“Women are like buses, I get kicked off after I have been caught masturbating on them.”

-Unknown person’s outstanding tweet.

President Obama met with Pope Francis. There was one horribly awkward moment when the Pope mistook Obama for Lawrence Fishburne.

The winner of the World’s Ugliest Dog contest is a British Chihuahua mutt named Mugly; that dog is so ugly, it almost scared Bruce Jenner straight.

One of President Obama’s Secret Service agents is in hot water after passing out drunk in a hotel hallway. He was so drunk he passed out on top of his hooker.

The Pope told the Mafia they are going to hell. You know who else is going to hell? People who look like they’re standing in line but they aren’t and they don’t tell you after you’ve been standing behind them.

The new Taco Bell commercial features a bunch of guys really named Ronald McDonald endorsing their new breakfast menu. And one poor slob named Jack Inthebox.

The Philadelphia 76’ers could tie the NBA’s all time losing streak at 26. The Sixers are awful, not Britney Spears on “How I Met Your Mother” awful, but still awful.

Thandom Roughts:

When somebody farts on the plane, I just pick out the person I visually like the least and glare hatred at them until it sears into their ugly face.

The Los Angeles Lakers are awful. Not “From Justin To Kelly” awful, but awful still the same.

P. Diddy announced he is going back to Puff Daddy. Damn, just when I got used to writing P. Diddy on all my checks.

The BuzzFeed quiz as to which BuzzFeed quiz you are turns out to be the BuzzFeed quiz on Which Justin Bieber tattoo are you? 

When the hell is somebody going to get around to doing a hip-hop version of "California Dreaming"?

"Yo, yo, check it. All the leaves are brown . . . "

And finally . . . 

Ohio University is the first college to offer a class on Fellatio. I feel sorry for the film guys who sign up for it who think Fellatio is an Italian filmmaker. On second thought, they may like the class the most.

The Cardiff Kook says; "Go 'Ztecs"

This, Simon's middle-parted brillo cap

Plus this, Miley's shaved sidewalls

Plus this, the Moe Nyuck-Nyuck

Equals this

The mandatory Kim Jong Un haircut explained

(Is it just me, or does Kim Jong Un always look like he just finished masturbating while eating jelly donuts? )

Good looking out, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Following his lap-band surgery, New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie, has lost 100 pounds. Or as they call that in New Jersey: dropping a Snookie.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin are splitting. That’s too bad, now nobody likes Coldplay.

A study claims electric cigarettes may be of no use in helping people quit smoking; but e-cigarettes are 100% effective in making the user look like an utter tool.

“U-T San Diego” did an article on LPGA’s Nicole Jeray who suffers from narcolepsy. She actually falls asleep when she plays golf. Which is very unusual, most people fall asleep watching golf.

Sadly, Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin are splitting. They ask that we respect the privacy of their children, Apple and Moses. Here’s an idea: if you’re worried about your kid’s privacy? Name them Billy and Mary, not Apple and Moses.

Pope Francis warned the Mafia they are going to hell. And so are the people who speed up to cut you off just to slow down and turn in front of you.

The Vatican received a package with a condom full of cocaine. Upon hearing this, Charlie Sheen said; “The Vatican? No, I meant to send it to the Venetian in Las Vegas.”

In Chicago, the operator of the CTA train that jumped the end of the tracks and drove up the escalator was a woman who had fallen asleep and missed a stop before. One more screw up and she is going to be hired as an engineer on Amtrak.

Sadly, Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin are splitting. They ask that we respect the privacy of their children, Apple and Moses. Apparently the names Crankcase and Bulldozer were taken.

This divorce will be hardest on the children, Apple and Moses. Of course it wouldn't have been as hard if they hadn't named them Apple and Moses. 

Since you asked:

Mandom Rusings:

If eating a cheeseburger from the Habit, drinking red wine and having a “How I Met Your Mother” and “Parks and Recreation” and “Call of Duty: Ghosts” man-cave marathon is wrong, I do not want to be right. (Three snaps in a circle “Living Color” style)

Even a lot of my friends do not know this, but I "dated" Gwyneth Paltrow, when I moved back from New York and was in training in Los Angeles. And even more of you don't know I have just been named the defendant in a lawsuit from the estate of Gwyneth Paltrow, plaintiff. So. . . 

Truth be told, I kind of go back and forth on "How I Met Your Mother" star Cobie Smulders.  Sometimes I think she is just about the sexiest thing on TV. But other times I just think she is the hottest thing in the universe. She can look sexy or dorky and is smoking either way. Sorry, Gwyneth . . . 

It is currently raining here in San Diego. You can actually hear the driver's IQ's plummeting. 

Entitlement warning. A group of Torrey Pines HS girls distance runners were leaving the campus to go on a group jog. Two of them were running right in the middle of the street in front of me as I was driving home after picking up Ann Caroline. When I slowly swung left to go around them, one of them suddenly turned 90 degrees left right in front of me to cross the street without even looking. I slammed on the brakes to somewhat narrowly avoid hitting her. (It wasn't real close, but close enough. Had I been texting or not paying attention, I would have hit her) She first looked utterly shocked and then - this is the amazing part - she proceeded to cut me the filthiest stink-eye look you have ever seen. How dare I have inconvenienced her like that? 

Here is a great recipe: Get some organic and locally grown sustainable Swiss chard, oyster mushrooms, kale, rainbow eggplant and radicchio. Now throw that shit away, heat up some tater tots and grill a freaking steak. Please and thank you. 

All joshing aside, my buddy Woody turned me on to this one from "The New York Times." Sautee brown musthrooms in butter and then, when there are almost done, toss in a healthy splash of soy sauce. That there is the bee's knees if you please . . . 

Russia has been kicked out of the G8 conference. So now it is the G7 conference, with the US, Germany, England, Canada, Japan and Lance Bass and Joey Fatone.

An exciting matchup in the Sweet 16 NCAA tournament is rivals Louisville Vs. Kentucky. This is the game where a tie is like kissing your sister, but a win is like making out with your hot cousin.