Friday, December 21, 2007

This also just in:
In Wyoming, a woman stabbed her husband because of a Christmas gift. As a result, Target is reporting a record number of men returning irons, egg beaters and Dustbusters.
These just in:
Die-hard Dallas Cowboy fans are blaming Tony Romo’s poor performance in their 10-6 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles on Romo’s squeeze, Jessica Simpson. That is silly. The only way Jessica could lose a game for the Cowboys was if Jessica tallied-up the official score.

Let’s face it, if having wild sex with a hot blonde made you play really lousy football, than that would mean the Oakland Raiders are dating Paris Hilton.

In sad irony, a roofing company billionaire, Ken Hendricks, died after falling through his home garage's roof. That’s like the founder of Jet Blue crashing in their only flight to ever leave the runway.
And so it goes, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Under the category of: “I just can’t seem to get past this,”

Madonna is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Really? Doesn’t this mean Vanilla Ice is next?

Madonna is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Her rap song, “American Life” is universally considered one of the worst songs ever made. And that even includes Phil Collins’s “Sussudio.”

Stop watering-down the gene pool
Britney Spears 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant; how, on earth, are we ever going to get the IQ scores up in this country if those Spears women keep breeding?

Britney Spears 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant; That’s nice, that means, fingers crossed, in six years both mother and child will graduate from first grade together.

Oui kid the French
French President Nicolas Sarkozy took former-model-turned-singer Carla Bruni on a date to Disneyland Paris. It seemed like a good idea but it got awkward when Sarkozy was deemed too small to get on any of the rides.

In fact, it turns out Bruni was the only ride Sarkozy was tall enough to get on.

Diminutive French President Nicolas Sarkozy is dating former-model-turned-singer, Carla Bruni who used to date Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton, Kevin Costner, Donald Trump and many, many others. You know the difference between Carla Bruni and the Statue of Liberty? The Statue of Liberty charges to let people inside of her.

Now, I don’t want to say Carla’s been around, but her butt tattoo says “Thank You For Waiting.”

Now, I don’t want to say that Carla has had a lot of cosmetic work done, but she also has a butt tattoo that says “Pardon The Construction.”

They aimed too high
Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne (Ind.) News-Sentinel, on Dodgers Manager Joe Torre undergoing knee-replacement surgery: "It was his second procedure this off-season. Earlier, he had three Steinbrenners taken off his back."

Really? Something tells me the procedure should have occurred at a slightly lower level.

Since you asked, Holiday version:
It’s that time of year when, in lieu of working before Christmas so they can chug eggnog and get Heather from accounting to sit on the copier ala Britney, everyone resorts to those incredibly lame and hackneyed Year-In-Review segments and we at a.L.b.B. are no better.

Paris Hilton is a tawdry slut, Britney Spears is a white trash simpleton, Lindsay Lohan is a coke whore, Donald Trump is a pompous megalomaniac with hilariously bad hair, OJ Simpson, Robert Blake and Phil Specter all literally got away with murder, Jessica Simpson is as hot as she is stupid, Mel Gibson, Paula Abdul and David Hasselhof are drunks, New Jersey has toxic dumps and a lot of Mafia in sweat suits, and the French, well, the French are the French, n’est pas?

And nobody here, even Heather who is right now skirt up and riding the copier like a 50 peso burro, can still believe that they are inducting Madonna into The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and not as a bad joke.

Cut to: Obligatory montage of still shots of all the famous people who caught a bad case of the deads in 2007.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Ceci juste dans:
Diminutive French President Nicolas Sarkozy is dating former-model-turned-singer, Carla Bruni who used to date Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton, Kevin Costner and Donald Trump among many others. In fact, the only thing that has been conquered by more men then Carla is, well, France.
These just in:
Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from Paris-Hilton-sex-video-partner Rick Salomon, two months after tying the knot. Gosh, if those two down-to-earth, stable kids can’t make it, what chance does anyone have?

Pamela is going to keep the house in Malibu and Rick is going to keep all the sexually transmitted diseases Pamela got from Tommy Lee.
It’s so sick it’s downright ill, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We gotta neuter that guy

Britney Spears 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant; I’m telling you, that
Tom Brady is an animal.

It’s worth it
A family of three hunting for a Christmas tree was found after being lost in the Northern California mountains for three days. See, that’s what I like about Christmas tree lots, they may cost more, but if you get lost you can generally find your way out in five minutes.

Popwreck banned
Britney Spears has been banned from the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills. This ban came after Britney’s disastrous performance at the lobby bar’s Wednesday Karaoke night.

Britney Spears has been banned from the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills. When told, an indignant Britney replied; “I’ve been kicked out of nicer trailer parks than that dump.”

Britney Spears 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant; in a related story, Lynne Spears, their mother, had her book on parenting put on hold. The publisher decided it would be a safer bet to go with Lindsay Lohan’s book on safe driving.

Anyone surprised?
After creating a media frenzy, Dallas Cowboy’s Terrell Owens apologized for saying Tony Romo was distracted by Jessica Simpson in their loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. In all seriousness, did anyone really expect T.O. to go an entire season without shooting off his idiotic mouth?

More proof
Pete Rose claims the Mitchell Report revealing steroid use in baseball by potential Hall of Fame members is proof he should be inducted into the Hall of Fame. Of course Rose feels that global warming, CIA leaks and the writer’s strike are also proof he should be in the Hall of Fame.

Since you asked:
Good lord, I am a dork. You know what I actually just did five seconds ago? No lie, I actually Google imaged stand up paddleboard (SUP) surfing, printed out the pictures, cut them out with scissors and put them in the insert part of my clear plastic screw-on-top thermos-like coffee container.

Had an awesome day on the SUP on Tuesday. It was sunny and the water was clear and glassy at La Jolla Shores as I paddled way out and then up to where the waves were breaking waist high at Scripps pier a couple miles north. There were a lot of surfers out so I kept my distance and caught a couple waves, got munched a few times, and then worked my way back south back to the Shores catching little waves along the way. A brown speckled seal was frolicking in the waves and under my board.

Then I raced home and got the most amazing Christmas tree you have ever seen. It is so fat and lush it is downright funny. How great is it that I drove by my neighbors this morning with my board strapped to the top of my car and that afternoon with a Christmas tree strapped to the top? Ah, the California, she great.

Last night I watched a classic and highly underrated - if not a little silly and long but well worth it - movie: “The Great Race.” Natalie “She gives me serious” Wood is stunningly hot, especially for back then when most people considered the sloppy and doughy Marilyn Monroe the epitome of sexiness. Natalie was rockin’ the push up bustier and thigh-high stockings long before Victoria even knew what the hell her secret was. To be a little too candid, when Natalie, as Miss DuBois, was thrown to the jail cell floor in her aforementioned lingerie, a certain part of me jumped to the lead in my own great race, if you know what I mean.

Information-wise, maybe too much?

And Jack Lemmon steals the movie with two hilarious roles that couldn’t be more opposite or any funnier.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

We in the holidaze faze, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You also might be a redneck

Britney Spears 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant; it may be a sign that you’re too young to be a mother when your mother has to drive you to the OB/GYN because you’re too young to have a driver’s license.

Not going well
Britney Spears has been banned from the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills. Things are not going well for a celebrity when they have to disguise themselves as a prostitute in order to sneak into a hotel.

Those things are so handy
A fire broke out in Dick Cheney’s offices across from the White House but nobody was hurt. They put the fire out using Cheney’s very own personal waterboard.

What happened?
Jessica Simpson watched her boy friend, Tony Romo, and his Dallas Cowboys get beaten by the Philadelphia Eagles, 10-6. It was a little embarrassing when Jessica met Tony after the game, Jessica looked shocked and said; “How did your shoulders shrink so fast?”

Well that takes care of that
After being named in the Mitchell Report on steroids in baseball, Roger Clemens had his lawyer issue a full denial. Well that solves that. If we know anything it is that lawyers always tell the truth and no pro athlete has ever lied about taking steroids.

Since you asked:
So the big question in the aftermath of the Mitchell Reports is what does baseball and other sports do about steroids or other performance enhancing drugs? Nobody asked me, but the answer is simple.

A, It is universally agreed that using performance enhancing drugs is cheating. B, Cheating is illegal and ruins the integrity of the sport, so, C, Anyone who gets caught, either by the sworn testimony of a credible witness or by an actual drug test, using any performance enhancing drug is banned from that sport for life. No questions, no appeals, no attorneys, no denials, no second chances. Gone.

So if an athlete still wants to cheat by using a drug that currently cannot be detected, they do so knowing full well that if the testing catches up to them or a supplier or trainer squeals, they are gone for life. That is a gamble most athletes with any brains at all are not going to risk.

Players unions and lawyers would go nuts screaming basic human rights violations, but playing a professional sport is not a right, it is a privilege. All privileges come with responsibilities and probably the most important responsibility is to uphold the integrity of that sport.

It does not say anywhere in the constitution that I have the right to play in the NFL. So if the NFL, along with the MLB and the PGA and the NBA and the NHL, wants to make a statement against using physically dangerous drugs and cheating they all have to agree on this lifetime ban for first time offenders.

The Charles Barkley “I am not a role model” selfish lie aside, anybody who has ever participated in sports knows that they have a responsibility beyond themselves for that sport. When I played football in high school, I was conscious that if I took a cheap shot at another player, it wasn’t just about me, it reflected on my teammates, my coaches and my school. And the more visible and more popular that sport is the greater the responsibility for representing that sport is.

Even participating in individual recreational sports without any outcome comes with a responsibility to properly represent that sport. That is why the outwardly hostile and rude skateboarders, snotty weekend warrior cyclists, territorial surfers and bratty stoner snowboarders are such colossal jerks. They know that their fellow sport participants are being lumped into a negative stereotype based on their annoyingly boorish behavior and they flat out don’t care.

From this point on before anyone becomes a professional athlete, before they can sign a contract and collect one check, they have to sign a release agreeing to the lifetime ban for any and all performance enhancing drugs. They don’t have to sign it, but then they won’t ever be paid to play that sport. And that goes for all the current players as well. No sign, no pay.

Sports writers and sports executives have to grow a spine and support this death-sentence-for-cheaters idea by precluding known violators from ever being awarded any post-career honor especially Hall of Fame status. Sosa, Bonds, Clemens must be kept from even visiting Cooperstown. These selfish jerks cared much more about their own success than they cared about baseball so baseball has to pay them back for the damage they have caused baseball’s credibility.

And that should go for all professional athletes. Even bowlers where the only performance enhancer is beer.

What have we learned from Paris, Britney, Nicole and Lindsay?

That being rich and famous and, in the one case of Lindsay Lohan, talented does not obviate the fact that they are complete and utter mouth-breathing morons.

If I had to sum up our overly-entitled and lowered-standards society in one sentence it would be:

Madonna is being inducted into The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

While we're at it why don't we go ahead and give Father of the Year to Homer Simpson?

Monday, December 17, 2007

This just in:

Hillary Clinton has begun a concerted effort to warm up her image and it may be working. Today a massive chunk broke off of Hillary.
Pearl, you go get your drank on, garrrl, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Good thinking
The Miami Dolphins were able to win their first game of the season against the Baltimore Ravens in overtime, 22-16. It was a brilliant strategy by the Dolphins, they just took their last game plan and executed it in reverse.

Aww, that is nice
“Clash of the Choirs” is a reality show that is suited for the holidays. It exhibits the holiday spirit, for example, Nick Lachey was a choir leader even though Nick’s boss knows this is a busy time of year to give him time off from Starbucks.

First flight
On this date in 1903, Orville and Wilbur Wright flew the first airplane at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. And on that same day, a Jet Blue airliner became the first plane to be stuck on the tarmac.

On this date in 1903, Orville and Wilbur Wright flew the first airplane at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. It was a sad day for the forgotten Wright brother, Dudley, who missed the flight because he got stuck in airport security because of the metal plate in his head.

We must adapt as we get older
After being married to a tennis player, John Lloyd, a skier, Andy Mills, 52-year-old tennis great Chris Evert is now engaged to golfer, Greg Norman. And when she gets even older, Chris is then going to marry a bowler, then a shuffleboard player and then, finally, a Bingo player.

Jessica Simpson watched her boy friend, Tony Romo, and his Dallas Cowboys get beaten by the Philadelphia Eagles, 10-6. It was a little embarrassing when Jessica put on a Romo number 9 jersey, but when Jessica looked down at it she said; “So why am I wearing number 6?”

Unstoppable? Not so much. Unwatchable? More like it
During the New York Giants loss 22-10 to the Washington Redskins, a commercial repeatedly aired claiming Giant QB, Eli Manning as “Unstoppable” as the Citizen watch featured in the commercial. Attention Citizen watch owners: please set your watch ahead at least three hours.

Since you asked:

A few words about the sad passing of Dan Fogelberg.

While it is true many of Fogelberg’s biggest hits were somewhat cloying, sappy songs that did not weather the test of time as well as his contemporaries’ music did, namely Jimmy Buffet, Jackson Browne, Warren Zevon and James Taylor.

But, to be fair, to put Fogelberg’s music in context, this was a time when people truly felt that Farrah-do’s, pucca shells, driftwood sculptures, turquoise jewelry, C.B. radios and robin's egg blue tuxedos and Gremlins were the height of hip. But despite his considerable success at the time, Fogelberg was underestimated as a musician, songwriter as well as a bit of a rocker.

Sure, his most memorable hits – specifically “Longer” - can be turned into jokes about eighties elevator music, I put Fogelberg’s “Souvenirs” album up with among the best of the middle-to-late Seventies. And his song “As The Raven Flies” fairly rocks with soon-to-be Eagle Joe Walsh and then Eagles Don Henley, Glenn Frey and Don Felder contributing licks and harmonies.

But on most of the tracks, Fogelberg played all of the instruments. And he had a great tenor voice. And I saw him in concert at Madison Square Garden in the early eighties and he was an engaging performer.

I’ll never forget, I took a girl to the concert who was, six-to-seven years prior, considered one of the coolest kids in my high school and she clearly still thought she still was. Translation: She was quite snooty and I didn’t think the evening was going anywhere. But bless ol’ Danny boy, he worked his magic and let’s just say, by the end of the night, “Longer” became “Part of the Plan” if you know what I mean . .

Hey, it could have been worse, I could have made a crack about getting to her “Nether Land.”