See, now, it gonna do what it wanna do when it wanna do what it gonna do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(Does that clear it up any?)
So how did you break your nose?
The FDA is investigating if Viagra causes blindness; what’s the most humiliating thing that could possibly happen to a guy? To run into a wall, blind on Viagra, and break his nose.
Makes perfect sense
An Oregon woman was not hired as a teacher because she used to be a prostitute; They should hire her. Here is a woman who can teach sex education, marketing and economics at the same time.
Especially them, but don’t ask why
A survey reveals that 56% of women say they are more affectionate with their pet then with their human partner; and that percentage goes way up for women who own Great Danes.
The oldest profession
In New Jersey they arrested an 80-year-old prostitute. An 80-year-old prostitute. She was offering a special: I love you long time or until I die, whichever comes first.
To show you how old she is, she’s still accepted WWI rationing coupons.
I, uh, I did not know that
Did you know that George Steinbrenner had a car in the Indy 500? Like his horse, Bellamy Road, his Indy car didn’t do very well: it slammed into the wall of its garage and didn’t make it out to the track. Turns out maybe Billy Joel wasn’t the best choice as the driver.
As well as the readers of a.L.B.b.
A Vanderbilt medical survey reveals that laughing out loud for 10 to 15 minutes burns 10 to 40 calories. In a related story, fans of the NBC show “Joey” are at risk of obesity.
High court ruling?
The high courts ruled that medical marijuana is illegal; a spokesperson for the legalization of marijuana said of that high court ruling;
“Whoa, that’s like so hypocritical, man. How come the court can get high and we can’t?”
Premature is such a relative term (Mostly from Janice Hough)
Johnson & Johnson is working on a drug that will help men who suffer from premature orgasms. Have you noticed nobody complains when women “suffer” from premature orgasms?
When I asked my buddy, Ronny-B-Free, why nobody complains when women have a premature orgasm, he said; “Women have orgasms?”
You know what a man says when a woman has a premature orgasm?
“Wow, we finished together.”
Right near here in East County, San Deigo
Poway, CA High School gave a hero’s welcome parade to the return of their Scripps National Spelling Bee winner Anurag Kashyap. That parade is quite an improvement for Anurag. Normally at that time of the school day instead of a parade in his honor, he is busy spelling the words: wedgie, nuggie and swirlie.
Oh, the horror
Paul Anka has a new album covering rock songs including Nirvana. Buy this album and re-live the utter and lifelong scarring humiliation that was when your parents sang in the car to a rock song while giving your friends a ride to school.
“Dad, stop singing; “Hungry Like the Wolf.”
Paul Anka has a new album covering rock songs including Van Halen. This album is actual musical proof that there is nothing sadder than an older guy trying to be hip. Word up.
Sometime before then
They are set to start filming the fourth Indiana Jones movie. Apparently they are in a bit of a hurry because they want to finish sometime before Harrison Ford dies of old age.
Since you asked: Man, the pet peeves are piling up fast up in here.
OK, look, I know that the idiot bureaucrats in charge of places like Starbucks and other fast food type places tell their underpaid employees to push certain items. (These are the same geniuses who named their servers Partners) But when I go to a place where I know they are going to push something I don’t want, like Jamba Juice peddling their modern art-looking bizarre bread items, then I add:
“And nothing else please.”
Frequently, you get a not-listening-computer-inputting Jamba worker who still asks;
“And would like any fresh bakery items today?”
I know what you’re thinking, I then hit him with a snarky, “No, still nothing else” but I don’t.
So, I admit it, if I’ve been good and eating well and working out, from time to time, I will slip and splurge on a sausage, egg and cheese McMuffin for breaffy (breakfast). It is the last food item at Mickey D’s that doesn’t suck. It is cheap, bad for you, frighteningly tasty and I only eat one about once a month. Oh, fine, about once a week. A sausage, egg and cheese McMuffin is the crack of breakfast foods.
Anyway, I’ve ordered enough of them to know that I don’t want the “breakfast meal” which also means a beverage and hash browns. Their orange juice is slightly orange tasting condensed sugar water, their coffee tastes like it was filtered through an ash trey from a dive bar and their “hash browns” is a tumor-sized wedge of congealed animal fat, salt and chemicals disguised as some potato derivation.
But McDonalds cannot take“And nothing else please” for an answer. They always say, “You want the meal?” One time, the trying-to-be-helpful clerk advised me – because, as we all know, the folks working at fast food places are nothing if not savvy economists – that the meal was about the same price as just the sandwich . No, I explained, it was worth it to me to pay more not to have either disgusting beverage nor the congealed grease tumor. Thank you.
Now, I know these people are wildly underpaid, and I cannot stand people who take out their frustrations on food service workers, as I was a waiter for many years. But by the third time I was asked by a faceless voice behind a speaker if I wanted the McDonalds breakfast meal, I was getting a little impatient.
No, (careful not to raise my voice but wanting to express my intent) I . . . still . . . don’t . . . want . . . the . . . meal . . . just . . . the . . . McMuffin.
When I pulled up to the sweet girl filling my order she asked kindly;
“What beverage do you want with your McMuffin meal?”
“Coffee, thanks.” I replied.
At some point you have to pick your battles, Slats and Nugs.
Truth be told, them hash browns was pretty tasty.
