Saturday, June 25, 2016
Friday, June 24, 2016
A monocled badger living in a shepherd’s pie just voted for Brexit, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
A viral video shows a celebrating Cleveland Cavalier fan eating dog poop. Dude. What are you doing? That’s why they have Taco Bell.
The rumor is the Donald Trump will pick Sarah Palin as his running mate. While my comedy dreams seem to be coming true, let me also say I will win a billion dollars in the lottery.
A Swedish soccer player was given a red card - kicked out of a game - for farting. It was the only moment of the game an American watching understood.
A Swedish soccer player was given a red card - kicked out of a game - for farting. In addition he was fined $500 for impersonating an Oakland Raider.
A Swedish soccer player was given a red card - kicked out of a game - for farting. In addition, he was fined $1,000 for having smelt it and dealt it.
Ben Affleck appeared to have a drunken meltdown on Bill Simmons HBO sports talk show, “Any Given Wednesday.” It was Affleck’s most embarrassing performance since “Batman Vs. Gigli.”
A Wisconsin man was arrested for allegedly having sex with his co-worker’s golden retriever. He was charged with animal abuse, lewd conduct and impersonating a US congressman.
AAA gave a hotel called Hotel California a 4 out of 5 rating. The problems were they were out of wine since 1969, there were voices down the corridor and the feast was hard to cut even with steely knives.
A jury ruled Led Zeppelin did not steal “Stairway to Heaven.” I’m not so sure. When asked how he felt about the verdict, Jimmy Page said, “I’m happy. Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof.”
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
You best come correct and step live with your good foot now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
“GOT” spoiler alert. The bad guy, Ramsay Bolton, lost the battle, was brutally beaten and then devoured by his own dogs. And he was fired from the Trump campaign.
A report reveals Donald Trump recycled $6 mil of campaign money to his companies. So the people who donated money to Trump’s campaign aren’t just getting screwed, their getting screwed is getting screwed.
Donald Trump is being sued for stealing tips from waiters at Trump Soho. Even from the bowels of prison, Bernie Madoff said, “Dude, that is low.”
London has opened a naked restaurant called Bunyadi. The good news? We can seat you right away. The bad news? You are following the Trump/Christie party.
“Game of Thrones” spoiler alert. How about Jon Snow beating the hell out of Ramsay Bolton? The only way it could have been even better if Snow was beating up Michael Bolton too.
“Game of Thrones” spoiler alert. How about that battle of the bastards? The best part? Cleveland finally won the championship.
Khloe Kardashian now believes OJ Simpson is her father. And Khloe will continue to believe OJ is her father until the ratings for “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” go back up.
Since you asked:
It should come as a shock to nobody how cheap Donald Trump is.
Between growing up in John Hughes’s “Home Alone” town of Winnetka - a girl in my class lived in a mansion with a full staff of English maids and butlers - and working on Wall Street and living in Santa Barbara and La Jolla, for a certified non-rich guy, I have known my share of truly wealthy people. Kennedy-family rich. Donating-wings- to- museums rich.
And with few exceptions, rich people are incredibly cheap.
By cheap I mean they don’t pay their share at dinner, they don’t pay their share of cab fare, they do not pick up bar tabs, they walk past bouncers asking for cover charges. John F. Kennedy Jr., RIP, crashed his plane because he did not want to pay for a pilot.
Most rich people expect to get everything for free, and, as a result, they often do. Rich people feel it is insulting when they have to stoop to pay for things that the rest of us don’t think twice about.
So when it comes time to pay for normal stuff, soap, shampoo, toothpaste, rich folks hate it. When I belonged to the Downtown Athletic Club some of the members were making $10 mil. a year on Wall Street, and they could not keep that place stocked with soap and towels the members were stealing. (No lie, they started checking our bags when we left right before they went belly-up)
You want a good barometer of how genuinely cheap rich old white people are? You know those - to coin an OJ term - ugly-ass green jackets the incredibly wealthy members of Augusta give to the Masters champions? The champions have to give those ugly-ass jackets back in one year. Gary Player refused to give his back and the Stinky rich Augusta members were going to ban him except that he was Gary Player, so they couldn’t.
Beer and food at August is hilariously cheap. Why? Because the rich members hate paying for beers and sandwiches.
That is how cheap Donald Trump is.
Zig and Zag.
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Happy Father’s Day. Or as NBA players call it Happy “I’ll let this call go to voicemail” Day.
Scott Baio, who played Chachi on “Happy Days,” told “Fox Business” he thinks President Obama is a Muslim. That’s great, but I am going to wait and hear what Tony Danza thinks.
A new poll shows Congress’ approval rating is 2%. People are shocked. 2% approve of Congress?
A new poll shows Congress’ approval rating is 2%. You know you’re doing badly when you’re a point behind the margin of error.
WNBA stars Phoenix Mercury’s Brittney Griner and Dallas Wings’ Glory Johnson had their first game together since their ugly divorce. People were so shocked. There is still a WNBA?
Scott Baio, who played Chachi on “Happy Days,” told “Fox Business” he thinks President Obama is a Muslim. After all, Baio is our top actor/political mind until Dustin Diamond who played “Screech” in “Saved by the Bell” gets out of prison.
An artist, Sarah Levy, used her own menstruating blood on a tampon to paint a portrait of Donald Trump. It was part of a period piece.
Scott Baio, who played Chachi on “Happy Days,” told “Fox Business” he thinks President Obama is a Muslim. The great part of this is Scott Baio thinks people care what Scott Baio thinks.
At a rally, Donald Trump said he felt like a super model times ten. And not just because he also makes beautiful women throw up.
Donald Trump is being sued for taking tips of his Trump Soho hotel workers. A billionaire who stole waiter’s tips. Even ISIS is saying, “We’re bad, but we’re not “Stealing tips from waiters” bad.”
In Georgia, a man was arrested after he walked naked into a Waffle House. “I’m sorry,” said the man, “I thought I was in Florida.”
At a rally, Donald Trump, asked the crowd to shout-out who should be his running mate. So it’s official, the republican ticket is: “Trump/Deez Nutz 2016.”
In Georgia, a man was arrested after he walked naked into a Waffle House. On the bright side, it is nice to see that Tiger Woods is trying to date again.
18-year-old, Kylie Jenner, is selling her 5-bedroom house for almost $4 mil. and has purchased a much larger $6 mil. mansion. Gosh, I hope this doesn’t affect Kylie’s hard-earned appreciation of the value of a dollar.
18-year-old, Kylie Jenner, is selling her 5-bedroom house for almost $4 mil. and has purchased a much larger $6 mil. mansion. When I was 18, I had a bicycle my parents gave me and a “Playboy” magazine I had stolen.
18-year-old, Kylie Jenner, is selling her house for almost $4 mil. and has purchased a much larger $6 mil. mansion. To be fair, what 18-year-old girl can get by with just five bedrooms and a walk-in wine cellar that is practically tiny?
Since you asked:
The ESPN documentary “OJ: Made In America” is great. OJ Simpson - post murders - dressed as Elvis in Las Vegas is the essence of everything that is wrong with our culture.
A story about Donald Trump giving a California waiter a $10,000 tip on an $83 bill turns out to be false. In fact, Trump is being sued for stealing tips from his Trump Soho hotel. The truth is Trump is a, A, notorious non-tipper. He also, B, orders steaks well done. And, C, he claims he does not drink. Strike three.
There are two and only two reasons why a guy like Trump does not drink. 1, He had trouble with DUI's and he has quit, which is admirable, or 2, he's a pussy who can't handle it. The answer is 2.
Charlie Sheen told a story about how Donald Trump, at a restaurant, made a big show of graciously giving Sheen the diamond Trump engraved cufflinks off of his shirt for a wedding present. Sheen had them appraised. Turns out the cufflinks were cheap fakes.