Thursday, July 02, 2009

Let's get cracky and smacky and stop being tacky, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

South Carolina Gov./ horndog, Mark Sanford, said his Argentine tryst was "a forbidden, tragic love story." If you were previously considered a world class a-hole, congratulations, Sanford just raised the bar and you are off the hook.

Is it possible for this guy to shut up? He is more annoying than Joe Biden on Redbull.

"Rolling Stone" magazine features the Jonas Brothers on the cover; along with Madonna's induction to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, this officially places the last nail in the coffin of rock and roll.

Karl Malden passed at 97. If he could have just made it a little less than three years to his birthday, March 22, he would have been one hundred on the nose.

In one of the great celebrity ironies, Micheal Jackson's death just out-nosed Karl Malden's.

Since you asked:
So I got me this planter fasciitis - tendinitis under the foot - that is totally manageable unless I hop up on my feet after sitting for a while. Then it feels like a big sharp rock is stuck in the bottom of my foot.

This is how it was when I jumped up to get the mail today. But rather than show weakness and limp, I affected a "Damn it's good to be a Gangstah" pimp roll to the mail box and, instead of thinking me old and frail, the neighbors thought they were witnessing a total bad ass.

Talk about making lemonade out of lemons . . .


Kasey is still the sweet, worried-looking honey bear she has been since a puppy. But that ol' Wrigley T. houndoggy dog has to be the most opinionated dog I have ever seen.

He whines/howls the second he decides he wants to be fed. Try to get him out of bed too early and he gives you cursory "Hi, now go away" thump wag of his tail. He whines/howls when he wants to come inside.

And when he wants to be petted, he plops sitting down right in front of your face and bats you with his big puppy paw until you pet him. You stop before he wants you to? He bats you again. And again. Or he sticks his muzzle and big dumb head under your hand until you commence to scratching his big hound dog ears. Then he arches his head back as if he was a King saying;

"We are amused."

Sagacity, no two ways about it, to paraphrase a Mark Twain character in "Roughing It." Sagacity.

Twenty years ago, if somebody told you, on this date, you would be doing a hell of a lot better than Michael Jackson, would you have believed it?

Man, Michael could have stopped at crazy ten years ago and everything would have been fine. No, he had to take way past just crazy.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Did you hear? South Carolina changed their state motto from; "While I breathe, I hope" to; "Help, our horny Governor is talking and he can't shut up."

Mark Sanford said his tryst was "a forbidden, tragic love story."And his Argentine squeeze, Maria, is responding, she said; "Uh, yeah, I think I want to start seeing other governors. It's not you, its me. Oh hell, who am I kidding? Its you."

What with all these celebrities getting knocked off, it makes me glad that I don't have enough talent or good looks or discipline to ever be a famous celebrity. Wait, why do I suddenly feel so very sad?

Wait, if talent or good looks and discipline are the keys to being a celebrity, how come Tom Arnold is a celebrity?

Here is what confuses me about Chaz, nee Chastity Bono. She used to be an outspoken and often angry and militant spokes person for lesbians and feminists. Now she is going to become a man? Isn't that like a Captain of the Navy Seals joining the Taliban?

Chaz Bono is serious about becoming a man. She is stocking up on her "I'm a lesbian in a man's body" crass dumb guy jokes.

Good times, bad times, you know I’ve had my share, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford described his Argentina tryst as “a forbidden, tragic love story.” In a related story, construction began today on the Douche Bag Hall of Fame.

A Bogota’s soccer team’s newly named coach, Rubin Israel, quit and left Columbia before coaching one game due to death threats. Gosh, I wonder what those people in Columbia could be doing that would make them so edgy and cranky?

At a press conference for his deceased son, Michael Jackson’s father, Joe, started by plugging his record label. I think the name of Joe’s recording company is S.B.F.R., Soulless Bottom Feeder Records.

At a press conference for his deceased son, Michael Jackson’s father, Joe, started by plugging his record label. After observing this scary sleaze-bucket, Joe Jackson, is anyone really surprised at how screwed up poor Michael Jackson ended being?

Good match
Now that Al Franken has won his Senate race, Norm Coleman has now lost elections in Minnesota to a pro wrestler and a comedian; Coleman, however, is said to be confident in his run for the state legislature against an accordian-playing ventriloquist.

Get nekkid and cool down
Environmentalists claim being naked a couple hours a day will help fight global warming. Guys are going to run with this: “Hey, baby, whaddya say we go back to my place and save the planet?”

Environmentalists claim being naked a couple hours a day will help fight global warming; some experts see this as a simple and insightful way to fight global warming, others see this as a lame attempt by lonely environmentalists to nude up with the babes.

Running her mouth
In an interview with “Runners World” Sarah Palin said she would beat President Barack Obama in a road race because she has better endurance. Oh, please. The only way Barack could lose to Palin in any race is if he chose her for vice president.

Makes sense
A survey reveals, since the economy went bad, condom sales have gone up; that makes sense, it’s bound to have an effect when you hear over and over again how screwed we are.

Running her mouth, 2 & 3
In an interview with “Runners World” Sarah Palin said she would beat President Barack Obama in a road race because she has better endurance. Oh please, she would have a better chance trying to beat David Letterman at a Top Ten list.

In “Runners World” Sarah Palin said she would beat President Barack Obama in a road race because she has better endurance. The trash talking has begun. An anonymous White House official replied Obama would like to race Palin, but he would smoke her and he is trying to quit.

Updating my own joke
Technology is amazing. Ten years ago if a guy asked a girl at a bar if he could Twitter, Facebook and Google her Wikipedia with his Palm Pilot he would have had a drink thrown in his face.

Since you asked:

Virg’s niece, Natalie, is visiting from Colorado. She is nine but an old, sweet soul and she gets along great with about-to-be-11, Ann Caroline, who is likewise.

It is also fun to see their itinerary because it is easy to forget how much there is to do in your own town. Here is my top ten list of things to do in and around San Diego during the Fourth:

The beach. (Includes all activities, surfing, boogie boarding, kayaking, fishing, sailing, etc.)

The San Diego Zoo.

Sea World.

Hiking Torrey Pines State Park or play golf at Torrey Pines Golf Course.


The San Diego Fair for Fireworks (Right afterwards it is the Del Mar race track season)

Wild Animal Park

Picnic and watch the sunset (Del Mar, Solana Beach, Cardiff, La Jolla Shores, Seaport Village)

Ferry to and bike ride around Coronado, lunch at the Hotel Del Coronado.

Wine tasting in Temecula.

In the last ten years, going to Mexico for lobster went from #3 to falling completely off the list because of the rampant increase of violence and crime. Now when you read about a tragedy befalling an American tourist in Mexico, the risk is so ridiculously high, one no longer feels any empathy. It's sad, but true.

Also on the list could be one of my favorite things to do, eat at the Gaslamp's old school seafood and steak place, Lou and Mickeys and then saunter - and yes, I mean saunter - over to the friendly canines of Petco Park, aka Bark Park, Fido Field, Kitty City, Flea Field, Doggie Den, Parrot Place, Puppy Porch, to watch the Padres, especially if my beloved Cubbies are in town.

Oh, and picnic on the bay and then saunter - my, I've been doing a lot of sauntering lately - across the street to see a concert at Humphreys by the Bay.

And of course, come see me and our band, the Railheads, playing on a Friday night at a great sports/dive bar. That goes without saying.

Remember, there is a big difference between being naked and gettin' nekkid. Being naked is just taking off your clothes, gettin' nekkid is taking them off specifically to do some funny bidness.

Brown chicken, brown cow . . .

Not to excuse anything that ass-clown, Mark Sanford, did or said, but I do think my Winnetka upbringing can shed a tad of light on this topic ala his Winnetka born and raised wife, Jenny.

Not to get into trouble with my home girls, but Winnetka, as well as all wealthy suburban Chicago, generally speaking mind you, sprouts out two kinds of girls. The first are the overwhelming majority, very pretty, fit, cute, fun, sports-loving, Cub fan, tavern dancing, beer-pong-playing, funny "Woo Who" shouting down-to-earth and yet gorgeous and sweet midwestern girls, lord bless them. Think Ferris Bueller's hot girlfriend, actual-Winnetka-bred Ann Margaret and, on the artsy side, Liz Phair, close-to-Winnetka-bred Bonnie Hunt and wherever-she-is-from Anna Feris, Anna personifies the fun-type of Winnetka girl, to name a few. (Turns out Feris is from Baltimore)

The next type is the not-close-to-fun Winnetka girls are thankfully smaller in percentage, but, unfortunately do exist in solid numbers as spoiled rotten, snotty, wildly competitive, over-achieving, grasping, gold-digging social climbing, two-faced country club back-stabbing toxic-rumor-spewing, horribly sexually repressed ice queen socio-path evil shrews.

Did I mention they were gold diggers?

These are amazing and scary women who can say with their mouth; "It is so wonderfully nice to meet you" while their eyes say; "If I could wish you a horrible death, I would." It's chilling. Believe me, I know, I took some of their daughters out on dates.

For the evil types think Ferris Bueller's sister, Reese Whitherspoon in "Election," Joan Cusak in "High Fidelity" Their goddess is Martha Stewart. Their political goddess is close-to-Winnetka-bred Hillary Clinton.

The best example of this type in fiction is Mary Tyler Moore's bloodless character in "Ordinary People." And this isn't only about the money. The vilest and cruelly most heartless and greediest crazy beyatch I've ever met grew up in blue collar rusty-transmissions-on-the-barren-lawn white trash borderline poverty. They don't have to come from wealth, but they always end up marrying into it.

These are mothers who are far more concerned about their children's table manners than their children's happiness. They chose to shower their kids with expensive clothes rather than love. If rejected, you can always take clothes back. (My mother, and her good friends, were absolutely nothing like that)

And yet at UC Santa Barbara, I knew many pretty girls who grew up wealthy in rich towns outside of San Francisco and Los Angeles, and one from Bakersfield, who simply were beautiful, kind and sweet, friendly and honest and funny, not one anything like that hornet nest of evil women from suburban Chicago. Why buccolic suburban Chicago seems to spawn this viscoussness I have no idea.

These are the acid-blooded aliens, I've mentioned before, who would rather die than not write a nice hand-written "Thank You" note, but they would run someone down with their luxury SUV like a rabid dog if anyone got in the way of something they wanted.

Although I have no proof she is the latter evil Winnetka-bred woman, to me, Jenny Sullivan Sanford sure ain't no sweet, fun "woo who" shouting tavern gal neither.

I'm just sayin' . . .

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Police stopped a hearse and found a hundred pounds of pot in the coffin. Police became suspicious when they heard the funeral service was to be given by Snoop Dog.

So what are, in order, my online web site addictions? Facebook, Blogger, Checkers, Giglish, MSNBC, Amazon, "Late Show with David Letterman."
Can a brother get a hey-nan-nanny and a ha-cha-cha up in here one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Mark Sanford calls his Argentine tryst a "a forbidden and tragic love story." Or as we non-a-holes call that: adultery.

This just in: Joe Biden just delivered a two and a half hour speech. The topic? Brevity.

A woman walked into a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon and reported she wanted to be just like Paris Hilton; so the doctor said, "Great, take off your clothes, bend over and I'll get the video camera."

"People" magazine featured Chastity Bono's announcement she is going to undergo a sex change operation. From the picture my only question is: from what to what?

"People" magazine featured Chastity Bono's announcement she is going to undergo a sex change operation. Apparently she wants to see what life is like as a really scary guy.

Barack Obama got a little testy with the press when they asked him about his broken promise to quit smoking. I haven't seen a president that cranky about smoking since Monica accidentally broke one of Bill's Cuban cigars.

Overheard at the Beverly Hills Sex Change Office:

"I'm sorry, Chastity Bono, but you're going to have to be more specific when you say you want a sex change operation."

I had an awkward moment today when I offered a high five to Chaz Bono on her incredibly fast and successful sex change operation.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck says a lawsuit accusing her of plagiarism is “without merit.” She went on to add these are the times that try men's souls, but she has nothing to fear but fear itself."

Environmentalists claim being naked for more than two hours a day will help fight global warming. Yeah, but it will kill the walk-in business at Krispy Kreme donuts.

We manufacture our self-righteous indignation by hand, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Environmentalists say living naked for a few hours a day will help prevent global warming, to which South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford said; “That’s what I was doing with that Argentine woman, we weren’t having an affair, we were saving the earth. Yeah, that’s it.”

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford now admits he saw his Argentine mistress, Maria, five times including several times in New York. To which Elliot Spitzer asked; “So how much does she charge?”

Manny Rameriz is set to end his 50 game suspension for taking steroid-masking female hormones; Manny claims he no longer takes female hormones which explains why he can no longer tolerate watching "The View."

Environmentalists say being naked for a few hours a day will help prevent global warming, the environmentalists did not explain, however, how ruining the upholstery helps global warming.

This is good news for everyone except the employees at the Krispy Kreme home office.

Environmentalists say being naked for a few hours a day will help prevent global warming; oh, guys, you thought "The View" was tough to watch before?

Environmentalists say being naked for a few hours a day will help prevent global warming, let us all take a moment to pray this information does not reach Kirsty Alley or Rush Limbaugh.

You can learn from all these political sex scandals. For example, Mark Sanford taught me that a person from Argentina is Argentine, not Argentinian, Elliot Spitzer taught me the difference between a call girl and a hooker is about $1,000, John Edwards taught me that the illegitimate child is not the one that is the bastard, the father is, and Idaho Senator Larry Craig taught me to never, ever touch anything in an airport men's room.

Chicago Cubs manager, Lou Piniella, allegedly told Milton Bradley he was not a ball player, he was a piece-of-sh&t. Which is titanically unfair. The way Bradley has been dogging it around the bases, screaming at umpires and getting ejected, blowing catches and missing the cut-off man in the outfield and generally batting like a drunken debutante in high heels, Milton isn't a piece of sh&t, he is a huge ol' big steaming pile of fetid sh&t.

Let's clear that up straight away.

Sammy Sosa taught me as a Cubs fan the hard way that a selfish, stupid guy who is clubhouse cancer can infect and destroy the hardest working team of hustlers and go-get'ers. The lackluster outfield play of Alfonso Soriano is the proof. the thinking has to be human nature; "That idiot is getting paid a fortune to loaf, why am I busting my hump?"

Since you asked:

Although it would be stupid to test this theory, it is my contention that if I went in the backyard and gathered some of Wrigley's deposits, put it in a professional looking well-packaged bag with the words Organic, Gluton-Free, All-Natural, Low-Fat, High-Fiber, Low-Calorie with anti-oxidents and then snuck it in front of my wife at our local health store grocery, Jimbos, Virg would buy it and bring it home.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Brown chicken, brown cow, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Urban Dictionary explains brown chicken, brown cow, is how the tragically hip kids slyly imply people are having sex as the iambic pentameter and pronunciation of brown chicken, brown cow, resembles the guitar muzak of seventies porn)

Bernie Madoff sentenced to 150 years. So does that mean, when he gets out, he'll be as old as Larry King is now? But, really, it's only 100 if he gets time off for good behavior.

It's worse than it sounds. When Madoff dies, the rest of the time is tagged on to the time he has to spend watching "The View" in hell.

Not to
disparage President Bush, but it is kind of nice having a President who doesn't think Carpe Diem is Latin for fish expense money.

Manny Rameriz, serving a 50 game suspension for taking female hormones, is joining the Dodgers on July 3rd in San Diego. Manny is so excited he could cry. He can't wait to see his teammates and discuss their feelings and where their relationship is headed.

Manny returning to the Dodgers against the Padres in San Diego on July 3rd after being suspended for taking female hormones. And Manny loves playing around the Fourth of July; at least I think that's what Manny meant when he said he is on his time of the month . . .

Jenny from the W-town 'hood

Mark Sanford's wife, Jenny, is from my hometown of Winnetka, Illinois. In Winnetka people like to hike the Indian trail which is an actual trail you can scale as opposed to the Appalachian Trail which is a tale the morally frail use to nail Argentine tail.

Oh, snap, yes I d' 'id.

Let's call this next segment:

Lex raps really badly to a sports story

Yo, yo, check it, Joe, Manny being Manny means shots in his fanny from a female name of Annie and Manny took so damn many he's gonna go from a trannie to one day being a granny.


(No, really, I mean what? I've got no idea what the hell that just was)

Since you asked:

Had a lovely time last night listening to Jimmy Buffet, Jack Johnson, the Eagles, the Red Hot Chili Peppers and sipping wine and eating fish tacos while watching the Sunset at Power Park in Del Mar.

The stand up paddle board surfing before that? Not so great.

We go to the park in Del Mar a lot in the Summer and have a picnic and watch the sunset. We usually meet our good friends the Meyers and their dad, my buddy, Allen, goes out and surfs and then joins us. This has always made me jealous until I started SUP surfing.

But I wanted to get good enough to impress my wife and daughter and the Meyers, before I did it during our picnic. Sunday dawns and I decide I am good enough. Last time I went out at La Jolla Shores I rode at least ten great three to four foot waves, turning right, turning left, kicking out.

We get to Del Mar and it looks gnarly. Big waves but really windy and choppy. (Not one fellow SUP was out, this should have been a clue) But I decide to bravely rough it out. Three waves in a row wipe me out and send me all the way back to the beach. Finally, a lull and I paddle like hell to get to the smooth water. The problem? There was no smooth water. It was brutally choppy as far as the eye could see. There were times where I had trouble just sitting on the board, let alone try and stand up and paddle.

After finally getting a semblance of my sea legs, I paddle for a spot where the waves are breaking on a reef 200 yards south. When I get there there is a line of hot shot surfers waiting to go. Too crowded, so I start to paddle back north against the wind. It was a trail of tears. Take two paddles, fall in. Get back up, take four paddles, fall back in. You cannot believe how exhausting this is.

After about forty minutes of this, I call no joy. Time to go in. The problem? Now the sets of waves are huge. Five to six feet and strong. Screw it, I am going to catch one. I square up and paddle straight for the beach. Ride up and down on a roller before it breaks, another. Now my confidence is up. I start paddling harder. Sure enough, I hear the thunder of a big wave coming, I turn around just in time to see it breaking on top of my head. My board goes flying up in the air, so does my paddle and I am buried in a sea of churning surf for what seems like one minute but was probably ten seconds.

When I finally do pop up, I am exhausted. Bam, another waves knocks me down again. So when I pop up again, I just surrender and climb up and lie on top of the board and let the waves pound me into the shore like an angry carpenter on meth whaling on a stubborn nail.

Emotionally and physically beaten, I find my paddle, lift up the board and Robinson- Crusoe- stagger my way out of the water and up to the beach. Standing there to greet me is my beloved about-to-be-11 daughter, Ann Caroline, and her good friend, Hanna Myers. My daughter looks at me sweetly and smiles;

"Oh, don't worry, Daddy," she said patting my wet and exhausted back, "you did just fine."

"Yeah," chirped Hannah, "and it was really, really funny."

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Hiking on that Appalachian Trail, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers

Cubs Versus Socks, oh, sorry, Sox
The Chicago Cubs are playing the Chicago White Sox in a series that has been described as a friendly rivalry; it is a friendly rivalry insofar as you consider the rivalry between Israel and Palestine friendly.

At least the Cubs know how to spell Cubs. Do you know what you call a Chicagoan who likes the Cubs and the White Sox? Mythical.

How much does the average Cubs fan dislike the average White Sox fan? You know how PETA feels about Michael Vick? Worse.

The blood between the Cubs fans and the Sox fan is more toxic than Amy Winehouse's after a Las Vegas bachelorette party. There are Shiite and Sunni clerics who like each other more.

Here is my question: if that Dos Equis Fernando Lamas-sounding gray beard guy is the most interesting man in the world, why do his commercials suck such major moose peepees?


Iraq is furious with us, the U.S., for not doing more to stop the rash of bombings. Well, as a member of the U.S., let me see what I can do. Hmm, well, how about it, Iraq, if I tell you to STOP FRIGGIN' BLOWING YOURSELVES UP, YOU MORONS!

Lov Gov II
Let's review, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford took off to have an affair with a reporter in Argentina and now their love letter e-mails are published. Sanford is the hands down winner of this month's Simon Cowell "OK, we get it, you're not gay" award.

Let's review, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford took off to have an affair with a reporter in Argentina; Apparently Sanford misunderstood when he heard that people travel from around the world to enjoy Argentina's meat.

Uh, I think he is still doing it
Los Angeles Dodger's Manny Rameriz's suspension for taking female hormones is almost up; Manny is looking forward to rejoining his teammates and sitting down and talking about their feelings and where they see their relationship going as well as other emotionally charged issues.

Cannot do the math
The top music earners this year are Madonna who made $110 million and Celine Dion who earned $100 million. Now I like to think I've been around and know a lot of people. I've never met anyone who wouldn't rather take a beat-down than spend a dime on a Madonna or Celine Dion concert or CD. Who are these people who shelled out $210 mil this year to hear them?

Gooder writing
Just reread the great "Sports Illustrated" article by Rick Reilly on sports writing legend, Jim Murray, titled "Finest Man I Knew" and it is great. Great writing really is a beauty of a thing of which it appears to be beautiful in a kind of pretty looking attractive nicely conceived concept which is appealing when read and or looked upon therein. Amen.

Pet peeve
An A.P. poll reveals 50% of pet owners feel their pet is as much a part of their family as any human. Except in China where the pet is more of a part of their lower G.I. tract X-Ray.