Saturday, May 16, 2015

Norm Macdonald Performs Stand-Up on David Letterman

So funny and sweet . . .

Friday, May 15, 2015

B.B. King ft. Eric Clapton - Riding With The King ( official video )

Boston Marathon bomber, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, was sentenced to death. Many legal experts feel the final straw was the picture of Tsarnaev giving the finger to a security camera. If so, that is the most trouble a finger has caused since this:

Thursday, May 14, 2015

A Spanish bullfighter, Saul Jimenz Fortes, is in serious condition after being gored for the second time this year. More bad news for Fortes. He got caught trying to deflate the bull’s balls.

Jeb Bush is expected to announce his candidacy soon. That announcement will be as shocking as whenever Richard Simmons comes out of the closet.

In Florida, a 49-year-old grandmother in a bikini was arrested for drunk driving. Remember the old days when people thought California was the crazy state?

Former Dallas Cowboy, Micheal Irvin, said he wants to mentor Cowboy draft pick, Randy Gregory. Gregory said he appreciated Irvin’s offer, but he had no desire to use cocaine or sexually attack women.

The White House commented on Deflategate saying Tom Brady should be more mindful of being a role model. Really? Brady has won four Super Bowls and he’s married to a super model. The only way he could be more of a "super" role model is if he wore a cape and fought crime.

McDonalds has announced they will offer a kale salad. It is part of McDonald’s new “Our Customers Will Never Buy This” Menu.

A violinist named Jennifer Kim, who was in the Philadelphia train wreck that killed nine people and injured 150, tweeted a demand for Amtrak to return her violin. She should play the harmonica, because she really sucks and blows.

A woman in Australia has gone on 136 first dates in 17 months without one second date. It may not have been a good idea for her to use the name Kate Upton when she looked more like Blake Shelton.

Bill Cosby is going to Alabama to push for more education in rural areas. Which is an amazing coincidence, because Alabama is an old Choctow Indian word that means “Sex while she sleeps.”

He’s OK, but in Santa Barbara, a surfer got between a mama gray whale and her calf, so the whale smacked him with her side fin. It was like the time an intern tried to take one of Chris Christie’s French fries.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Florida continues to be so Florida even Florida can't believe how Florida Florida is Florida. 

A woman in Australia has gone on 136 first dates in 17 months without one second date. She might want to re-think her opening line: “So when do you want to meet my parents?”

Scientists at Johns Hopkins say “hot-boxing” a room full of second-hand marijuana smoke does get non-smokers in the room high. The scientists also discovered that Cheetos dipped in applesauce is . . . awesome.

The bond rating company, Moody’s, has downgraded Chicago’s debt to junk bond status. Especially Chicago’s issue of their “2015 Cubs Win World Series” bonds.

The bond rating company, Moody’s, has downgraded Chicago’s debt to junk bond status. Especially their last series of bonds which listed its credit as “Oprah Will Pay You Back.”

In Florida, a 49-year-old shapely grandmother in a tiny bikini was arrested for drunk driving. I’m pretty sure there is a picture of a hot grandmother in a bikini flunking a field sobriety test on the Florida State Seal.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

A Pew study reveals Americans are becoming less Christian and more atheist and agnostic. Except for the Kardashian women who seem to be screaming the words “Oh god” more and more.

"I've told you I hate little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of Cornflakes. F.U." It took me four hours to figure out F.U. meant Felix Unger," Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers"

Had a flat tire on the way to work today. That damn Tom Brady has to be stopped.

A U.C. San Diego professor is asking students to take a final exam in the nude. The weird part is it is an accounting class.

New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie, spent over $82,000 for snacks at NFL games. Even the New England Patriots feel that number has to be inflated.

New England Patriot’s Tom Brady has been suspended by the NFL for four games for Deflategate. Four weeks of vacation in a mansion with a super model. The Patriots will try and appeal. “Not so fast,” said Brady.

If any athletes should be suspended for having deflated balls it is Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather.

A mother is suing Disneyland after she claims Pluto hugged her child too hard. Pluto did not comment. Not that he refused to comment, it is just Pluto is the only cartoon dog in the world who cannot talk.

A mother is suing Disneyland after she claims Pluto hugged her child too hard. Rough times for Pluto, first he loses his status as a planet now his only character witness in this lawsuit is someone named Goofy.

Kim Kardashian paid respects at the Armenian Genocide Memorial. To give Kim credit, she is coming along. Last year she thought Armenian was a fashion designer and Genocide was a sports drink.

Lindsay Vonn is now admitting she broke up with Tiger Woods because he cheated on her. Well who could have seen that coming?

Since you asked:

As the great sports writer, Dan Jenkins, said describing post-fire hydrant Tiger Woods, Chris Christie, in terms of the 2016 presidential election, is graveyard dead.

For a long time, Chris Christie wanted us to believe he was a more-corpulent political version of Tony Soprano. Tough, no-nonsense New Jersey guido who was a born leader and got things done without taking any crap. Capice?

Turns out that is wrong. Christie is the angry little fat kid who got bullied. So now he has power so he is going to bully people back, ala Bridgegate.

Now we have Snackgate. 

In “Garden of Stones” (underrated movie) James Earl Jones’s character, Sgt. Maj. “Goody” Nelson says you either eat the bear or the bear eats you.

“Yum, yum, yum, says the big hungry bear.”

The bear is eating Chris Christie, and that is going to be one stuffed bear.

Monday, May 11, 2015

The NFL suspends Tom Brady for four games. Usually the punishment for mishandling balls is being transferred to another Parish.