Friday, November 18, 2011
Sadly, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are getting a divorce. The really ironic thing? Demi is replacing Ashton with Charlie Sheen.
Ashton is 33 and Demi is 49. That’s an entire Bieber difference.
Herman Cain is going to be guarded by the Secret Service. His code name is Senor Gropey-pants.
Campaigning in Miami, Herman Cain asked for a word in Cuban. Rick Perry laughed and laughed and said; “Everybody knows Cubans speak Mexican.”
Since you asked:
Not to brag, but I work out several times a week. Am eating much healthier and losing some much-needed weight. My core muscles are as strong as they have ever been in my life.
So when did my nose hairs turn into Andy Rooney’s eyebrows, RIP?
Seriously, when I trim them back I get mental image of the sweaty natives hacking away the dense jungle vines for the English Safari hunters in the Tarzan movies.
Not to blow my own horn, but , I said this a year ago . . .
How about Jim Harbaugh? Nobody but a Division III team with essentially no football program, USD, hires the guy and, badabing, badaboom, they win the D3 title.
Goes to Stanford and does the same thing to a 1-11 team. Niner fans, go ahead and book your Super Bowl flights for 2012.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Kate Middleton is pregnant? Man, that Justin Bieber gets around.
There have been infighting, sexual assaults and conflict among the Occupy Wall Street protesters. I'm starting to think trying to change our financial industry through protest is like homemade porn: it sounds great in theory, but in reality it is ugly, disorganized and hard to watch.
Congratulations are in order. It has been an entire week and not one Lohan has been arrested.
Here's my question: if those West Nevada human sexuality students finish their masturbation assignment, do they get to graduate Cum Loudly?
The top Navy Seal brass has denounced the Chuck Pfarrer book, "Seal Target Geronimo" about the raid on Osama bin Laden as a total fraud. And you can tell. Like the time he writes about the Navy Seal who married a vampire.
Since you asked:
Cannot believe the radio morning show I used to write for had the band Great White as their guests. Those were the a-holes one-hit wonders who caused the Rhode Island roadhouse fire that killed 100 kids and injured 230. The place, The Station, was a dump of an interstate bar. It had a low ceiling and was packed with about 500 people and these douche bag, has-beens decide to fire off their fireworks inside the bar.
And the one hit they had, "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" was an awful, annoying song.
The next morning they interviewed on national TV that ass-bag old bald lead singer in the bandana and he had the nasty-ass brass stones to use the interview to plug the freaking band. And when the reporter called the band The White Light, he angrily corrected her. 100 young kids had just died a horrible death due solely to their idiocy, and he gets testy with the reporter while pimping his crappy band.
Cannot listen to that morning show I used to write for. Not only are there too many commercials, but one of the personalities - whose fake name rhymes with Booth Bixty-Bix - stole a joke word for word from my facebook post and used it on air.
When a well-known listener and facebook friend, whose name rhymes with Que-Tee-Bay, pointed it out, I sent Booth Bixty-Bix a personal message on facebook asking politely if she would give me credit in the future when she used my jokes. She flat out said no and that she could steal and use any joke she wanted to and would continue to do so.
That is when I un-friended the psycho bitch. Turns out not a class group. Never would have thought a couple years ago that now I would be as proud not to write for them as I once was to write for them.
Lex's brilliant observation on the driver's of Carmel Valley:
"If I could fuel my car with the C-Word and the word A-hole, I wouldn't have to get gas for a year."
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Snow ( Hey oh ) ( Lyrics in Description )
This here my go-to apres surf song as I cruise down Torrey Pines
"The National Enquirer" claims Kris Humphries is going to confirm Kim Kardashian's ass is fake. Now I am confused, I thought Kris Humphries was Kim Kardashian's ass.
Have you seen the giant diamond earring Bruce Jenner wears? I forget, which ear is the gay one? Oh yeah, whatever ear Bruce Jenner is wearing his earring.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
You got to have yourself something badly wrong wit' yo' ass for you not to love you some parfaits, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Kim Kardashian is suing the publicist she fired because he is saying the $18 million, 72-day wedding was a sham, and her ex-hubbie, Kris Humphries is threatening to disclose that her butt is fake, and her brother, Robert, called Kim a whore on "E." If they aren't careful this thing could get ugly.
Launch the Baby Ruth into the pool, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Parents in Compton are upset a porn star, Sasha Grey, read stories to their children. Well at least the stories will have a happy ending.
Given her profession I don’t think she picked the best book to read: “Moby Dick.”
Ryanair, an Irish airline, is now offering in-flight porn movies; so now guys, when you land, your trey table will be the second thing in the upright and locked position.
In a related story, the cleaning crews for Ryanair have quit en masse.
Rumor has it that Rick Perry’s debate gaffe was so bad he may have to quit; but don’t worry, Billy Chrystal will replace him.
North Carolina beat Michigan State 67-55 on a game played on the aircraft carrier USS Carl Vincent in San Diego; the NBA might play some games on a ship. The bad news? The ship is the Titanic.
“Twilight” fans have been camping out all weekend for the opening of “Breaking Dawn Part II” Don’t make the same mistake I did, I went to see “Breaking Wind Part II” by mistake. Not the same thing.
Herman Cain’s wife, Gloria, said she doesn’t believe the sexual harassment charges because her husband respects women. Except for that bitch, Princess Nancy Pelosi.
Ryanair, an Irish airline, is now offering in-flight porn movies; the porn is in first class. In coach they hand you a copy of “Maxim” and give you a wet wipe.
Former speaker, Nancy Pelosi denied a “60 Minutes” report she profited on insider trading stock tips. In fact, Pelosi looked furious about the report. Or surprised. Or shocked. Or delighted, it’s hard to tell.
The top Seal brass is reporting Chuck Pfarrar’s book “Seal Target Geronimo” on the Seal Osama bin Laden raid is not true. There are signs this book is fake. Like how before they agreed on the code name Geronimo for Osama, it was going to be “The Wizard of OZ.”
Since you asked:
Not to namedrop, but I have a friend who was a Navy Seal Commander. How tough and cool is he? His own brother has no idea how or why he was awarded several Purple Hearts. He said the surest sign a Navy Seal was not assigned and served on missions is if they’re bragging or writing a book about being on a mission.
Honest-to-god, if I had a Navy Seal purple heart, I would legally change my name to Robert “Took Shrapnel in the Navy Seal Raid to Capture Manuel Noriega” Alexander Kaseberg.
Chuck Pfarrer may well have been employed by the Navy with a Seal Team. But there are Navy Seal employees who wash dishes and there are Navy Seals who kill terrorists. One look at Pfarrer and I get the impression he was closer to a deep fryer than a high-powered rifle.
Anyone can say they were a former Navy Seal just like they can say they were a former CIA agent. Like the CIA, the Navy will neither confirm nor deny information concerning missions and mission participants. But even under those top secret security rules, the Navy Seal Team Six brass has taken the unprecedented stand of refuting Pfarrer’s books and questioned his credibility.
How low would someone have to be to try and get lucky at a bar by lying about being a big shot Navy Seal? Well, cashing in on a huge book deal to do the same thing is one thousand times worse.
At UCSB I had this incredible megalomaniac professor, Roderick Nash, who was so all-consuming full of crap and such a pathological liar and such a shameless name-dropper and so self-deluded, he was able to convince himself he was telling the truth. He even wrote books about his alleged outdoor "adventures" and basically willed himself into being referred to as one of our most accomplished environmentalists on pure B.S. alone. His resume reads like a list of lies you can't check up on: river boat guide, ski guide, motivational speaker, think-tank chairman of a top secret environment team.
That is what I think this Pfarrer A-hole has done. There are some famous people who are so full of crap they not only believe their crap, but other people do to. Like Earnest Hemingway and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
In fact, now that I think about it, I was a former Seal Team commando. Yeah, that’s it, that’s the ticket. And if you don’t mind, I got some secret Seal Team stuff to do right now:
Fried Green Tomatoes. Attention Fried Green Tomatoes. Steel Magnolias and Beaches are ready to convene with Thelma and Louise. Make sure you Wicked Witch of the West the target stat. Over.
(Sniff. Tooth-suck, lip-smack, stretch, groan dissolving into the chuckle of confidence)
Monday, November 14, 2011
Did you see the gaffe by Rick Perry during the Republican debates? I live my life by three simple rules. One, never play poker with a guy nicknamed after a city, two, never eat sushi that is on sale, and, three, oh shoot, I can’t remember the third one. Oops.
That was one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen and I saw a guy eat falafel from a middle-eastern Trenton, New Jersey street vendor.
Wow, did you see Nancy Pelosi when “60 Minutes” accused her of insider trading? She was furious. Or shocked. Or delighted, I couldn’t really tell.
The last republican debate is tonight and Rick Perry has to be focused, he has to be firm and most importantly of all, he has to be, uh, oh, shoot. Oops.