What is cuter than a basket-o-puppies?

We rockin’ the shockin’ right up all in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


An investigation revealed an attorney for the Securities Exchange Committee would surf porn eight hours a day. The lawyer claims he was doing pro boner work, oh, sorry, pro bono work.


Goldman Sachs charged with fraud and the SEC is charged with surfing porn all day. These charges gave Goldman Sachs a black eye, but they gave the SEC blue balls.


Even the most ardent opponents of the new Arizona immigration law have to admit it could be a blessing-in-disguise of it rids us of the most insidious and heinous byproduct of illegal immigration: Mariachi bands.


An investigation revealed an attorney for the Securities Exchange Committee would surf porn eight hours a day. Even Tiger Woods is saying; “Dude, give that poor thing a rest.”


An investigation revealed an attorney for the Securities Exchange Committee would surf porn eight hours a day. “For erections lasting longer than four hours, see your doctor, for erections lasting eight hours, work for the SEC.”


The Kentucky Derby is this weekend with all the lovely traditions; singing of “My Ol’ Kentucky Home”; gorgeous roses, beautiful women sipping mint juleps in wide, floppy hats; toothless drunken cousins hitting on each other in the garbage-strewn infield.


Actor Randy Quaid was arrested in Santa Barbara and charged with theft, fraud, failure to appear in court, and the lesser charge of not being nearly as good looking as his younger brother, Dennis.


The Star reports Doug Reinhardt blew through over $2 million dollars dating Paris Hilton in a year and a half. Why do I get the impression not much of that was spent in library fines?


The Oakland Raiders traded for Redskin QB Jason Campbell which means they’ve quit on high draft pick bust, JaMarcus Russell. The Raiders shouldn’t be shocked, JaMarcus is a derivative of an old Gaelic name that means: Ryan Leaf.



In Nebraska, a man wrapped his face in toilet paper to rob a convenience store. He misunderstood when someone told him you need toilet paper for a clean getaway.

Lex’s update on the Arizona Immigration law

While I said I agree with the frustration behind the Arizona immigration law, I now think that law is a disaster. It is going to take money, time and focus away from what I think the main concern is: stopping criminal illegal immigrants, including an estimated 250,000 illegal immigrant sex offenders.

The Arizona law is a classic example of throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Who said what to who now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?


The House Ethics committee said it will investigate wrong-doing by Rep. Eric Massa, the man accused of sexually harassing male staff members. The committee assured the probe will be lengthy and extensive, to which Massa said; “Oh, goody, I go first, I go first.”


Goldman Sachs executives are testifying before a Senate committee; these guys are sneaky, ten minutes into the hearings and five Senators bought shares of the Pennsylvania Ave Bridge.


Spirit Airlines, which charges $45 for carry-on luggage, is installing non-reclining seats in its planes. Apparently the spirit of Spirit Airlines is Ebenezer Scrooge.


President George W. Bush’s book, “Decision Points” is coming on November 9th and it recounts President Bush’s toughest decisions. His last tough decision was whether or not to try and write a book before he had ever finished reading one.


Sharon Stone will star in four episodes of “Law & Order: S.V.U.” Not to give away that this will be like “Basic Instinct,” but in these shows, the SVU stands for Sharon’s Vanishing Underwear.


Spirit Airlines, which charges $45 for carry-on luggage, is installing non-reclining seats in its planes. It is part of Spirit Airlines mission to make airline travel far more expensive and less comfortable than a bus ride.


Ultimate fighter, Tito Ortiz, was arrested for hitting his porn star girlfriend, Jenna Jamison. Gosh, a porn star dating a fighter, who could have seen this coming?


The traitor, sorry, trader from Goldman Sachs testifying before a Senate committee, Fabrice Tourre, calls himself “Fabulous Fab.” And won’t the name “Fabulous Fab” come in handy in prison?


Since you asked:

The definition of eternity? The time between when you hear someone coming and you get your pants back on and pulled up. Also? I’m not welcomed in our grocery store for a while.

The secret to life? Dance like nobody is watching. Sing like nobody is listening. Love like you’ve never been hurt. And drink like your wife doesn’t know you’ve hidden a bottle of rum in the closet.

What? You’re awful judgey today.

Can I let you in on a little secret, Slattilators and Nuggatines? Sometimes I really do feel like the only cab on the road.


“Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon riverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

The Yellow Lab acting as a pillow? It's not Wrigley, but it could be his twin. 'Dey just fuzzy little angel clowns is what 'day is . . .

She wasn’t much good at sayin’ goodbye, but, that girl could sing, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


An investigation revealed employees at the Securities Exchange Commission surfed porn at work some as much as eight hours a day. Guys, when we said find out why our economy is screwed, this wasn’t what we meant.

When we said investigate stocks and bonds, they thought we said stockings and bondage

An investigation revealed employees at the Securities Exchange Commission surfed porn at work some as much as eight hours a day. You know the leading cause of workers compensation at the SEC? Tennis elbow.

At the Zurich Open in New Orleans, two good ol’ boys attempted to catch a 10-foot alligator with a fishing pole and a stick with a rope. If the alligator had come out, it would have launched a new reality show: “Dancing With the Stumps.”

At the Zurich Open in New Orleans, two good ol’ boys attempted to catch a 10-foot alligator with a fishing pole and a stick with a rope. That’s like trying to catch John Daly with a fruit bar and a Stairmaster.

The San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus has merged with the San Diego Men’s Chorus. This information has been brought to you by the Department of Needless Redundancy Department.

The San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus has merged with the San Diego Men’s Chorus. There hasn’t been a merger this seamless since Siegfried signed up with Roy.

Tiger Woods is set to play in the next PGA event at Tail Follow, er, uh, sorry, Quail Hollow.


Since you asked:
Last night I made a ripping Pad Thai chicken dish, and yes, I am still straight. It was shockingly easy and tasty.

Did the usual marinating of the chicken tenders in olive oil and garlic. Rubbed pepper, salt and garlic powder and flash seared them on high on the grill, but they were not quite done.

Soaked the rice noodles in hot water.

Made a sauce substituting tamarine paste with a large dollop of Thai Satay peanut sauce, so it wasn’t exactly Pad Thai authentic, but it was good. Splash of rice wine vinegar, two tablespoon of fish sauce, large dollop of honey. Oh, and a dash of sweet chili sauce for a touch of heat. Mixed and set it aside.

Browned and finished the seared chicken tenders in the wok, added the sauce and a healthy splash of the noodle water and the noodles and sautéed it in the wok until the sauce cooked down and clung well to the noodles. Maybe three to four minutes on fairly high heat.

Plated it in a serving bowl topped with diced green onions, shredded carrots and cabbage and crushed peanuts. The sauce was sweet and savory, the chicken was tasty and moist and the noodles were perfectly al dente. The onions, carrots and cabbage and crushed peanuts added a healthy and tasty texture. Family quickly consumed.

And Alexander the Great wept for there were no more worlds to conquer.

Lex’s take on the Arizona Immigration law

Hope I don’t lose my more liberal readers, but to the high-minded folks so loudly upset over the strict new Arizona immigration law? Believe me, I understand your objections, but do you always have to go straight to Nazi Germany when you compare laws you don’t like? Isn’t there a more moderately repressive Fascist-lite example you can use in Switzerland or Austria?

You know how those zealots who are against same-sex marriage always go straight to being able to marry barnyard animals? The Nazi analogy is almost that annoying.

What about the people saying how will we like it when there is nobody there to mow your lawn or cook the meal in a restaurant? You kinda sound like the right wingers who say, due to the new health care plan, we won’t have any doctors in five years.

You don’t want to sound like that, do you?

You would have to be pretty hard-hearted not to be for supporting peaceful people who want to work and come to this country. But I contend this isn’t as much of a political issue as it is a geographical issue. It is one thing to sit high above in your Manhattan luxury apartment and scream about repressive immigration laws.

But in parts of the country, like San Diego, close to the border, as is Arizona, illegal alien-related crime has skyrocketed in the last ten years. You’ve heard of the crime increases in Mexico? It spills over the borders.

Pennsylvania D.A. – and Democrat – Tom Morganelli testified before the House Subcommittee on Immigration, Border, Security and Claims stated:

In Los Angeles, 95% of outstanding warrants for homicides are for illegal aliens.

Let’s take politics out of this.

Morganelli stated it is conservatively estimated there are over 250,000 illegal alien sex offenders in the US. Studies show the average sex offender will commit eight sex crimes before they are caught. That is over 2 million sex crimes, which we all know are primarily committed on women and children. That has nothing to do with being liberal or conservative, that is just wrong.

Nobody is saying all illegal immigrants are sex offenders. San Diego just had two beautiful young girls attacked and murdered by a guy as American as he can be. But two million sex crimes is ridiculous.

This is not saying I am all for the strict Arizona immigration law, there seems there should be more room to compromise, but I certainly understand the very real frustration behind it.

Just stop comparing it to Nazi Germany. Or soon we’ll all be married to goats.

That’s why that kookie chick, that’s why that nutty broad, that’s why that boffo babe, is a tramp, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(I’m going for a drink and a smoke, you cats get this crazy horn section figured out, I can’t work like this)


The Somali pirates in US custody will face trial in the US by a jury of their peers; It won’t be easy, this jury of pirate peers will be a harrrrrrrrrrd to find.

Three bi-sexual men are suing the softball Gay World Series for discrimination because they were deemed not gay enough. The Gay World Series strictly requires at least Adam Lambert gay, but they were only Neil Patrick Harris gay.

Three bi-sexual men are suing the softball Gay World Series for discrimination because they were disqualified for not being gay enough. Apparently they were kicked out for refusing to take one for the team.

In England, a surgeon mistakenly removed a patient’s testicle. The official medical term for that procedure is: a deduct-a-nut-out-a-me.


Scientists in the UK have developed an embryo with the DNA of one man and two women; they say it will create a person who will be able to both put the toilet seat down and pee on it.


Scientists in the UK have developed an embryo with the DNA of one man and two women; it is one part man, two parts women. Apropos of nothing, wasn’t Adam Lambert great on “American Idol”?


A Lake Tahoe police department thought a 61-year-old methamphetamine addict had a bomb inserted in his butt, turns out it was a vibrator. Three decorated long time career police officers instantly resigned before they finally found one who would remove the vibrator.

In Indiana, a man wanted on methamphetamine charges was found hiding in a pool of liquid manure; you know how they found him? His butt vibrator was humming loudly.


A Lake Tahoe police office thought a 61-year-old methamphetamine addict had a bomb inserted in his butt, turns out it was a vibrator. The officer who removed the vibrator has been nominated for the Medal of Valor.


In Indiana, a man wanted on methamphetamine charges was found hiding in a pool of liquid manure; this may actually surpass the guy who was arrested for drunk driving on a lawn mower and stealing fishing poles as the leading candidate for red neck of the year


Three bi-sexual men are suing the softball Gay World Series for discrimination because they were disqualified for not being gay enough. The Gay World Series requires a maximum of “Chocolat” gay and a minimum of “Brokeback Mountain” gay.