Friday, March 25, 2016

Doesn't Ted Cruz look like the guy who licks his thumb and then peels bills off his cash roll and winks at the hooker as he is paying?

There were three teams with bulldog mascots in the NCAA Tournament, Gonzaga, Butler and Yale. Four if you count CBS and Charles Barkley.
These just in:

Remember the Ted Cruz commercial they had to pull out because the actress was a porn star? Apparently this is the only time the term “pull out” and Ted Cruz have been combined. 

Rumor has it the Ted Cruz sex scandal now includes prostitutes. “This makes more sense,” said women.

This has turned into a full-blown -excuse the expression - Ted Cruz sex scandal. Or as us comedy writers call it: Christmas in Springtime. 

Big fan of both, but when did Don Henley turn into Ridley Scott? 

In Houston, a United Airlines pilot was arrested for running several brothels. He got the idea of becoming a pimp from seeing how United treats their passengers. “Yo, where’s my money, bitch?” 

An angry Ted Cruz defending his wife told Donald Trump; “You’re a sniveling coward and leave Heidi the hell alone.” If they’re not careful, this campaign could get ugly.

Green Bay QB, Aaron Rodgers, claims in 2005, he saw a UFO in New Jersey. He said it was scary, it was huge, loud and it was bright orange and it . . . oh, sorry, no, that was Donald Trump’s face. 

New Jersey lawmakers have introduced a bill that would make it illegal to walk and text at the same time. To which teenagers are asking, “Like how are you supposed to walk if you can’t text?” 

It’s cheaper than padding all the sign posts. 

It has been a year since Zayn Malik left One Direction. His co-workers at Starbucks got him a cake. 

“The National Enquirer” claims presidential candidate Ted Cruz had five mistresses. In a related story, Tiger Woods has thrown his hat into the presidential ring. 

This is a shock. So they’re saying Ted Cruz is not a closeted homosexual? 

An anti-Trump ad featured a naked Melania Trump and Trump is furious. How can people see Melania naked for free when it costs Trump a fortune?

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

In a zoo in Vienna, two giant pandas have been videotaped mating several times. In a shrewd marketing move, they are going to name one of the Pandas Hulk Hogan and collect $115 million from Gawker.

Is it just me, or does Donald Trump look like a guy who would pay a hooker to put on a bridle-bit and saddle on him and whip him like a 50 peso burro? 

Donald Trump has threatened to reveal a secret about Ted Cruz’s wife. The secret might be that she closes the coffin lid for him when he goes to sleep. 

In Florida, a Budweiser truck crashed into a Frito-Lay truck spilling beer and chips on the highway. There was a mad rush of Florida couples scrambling to hold their wedding reception there. 

In L.A., a JetBlue flight attendant left 70 pounds of cocaine in her luggage on the plane. They suspected she had cocaine when they saw a JetBlue flight attendant was alert and attentive. 

After her Australia tour where her rude and drunken behavior infuriated an entire continent, Madonna posted fake No Parking signs in front of her New York apartment. They now suspect PMS. Petulant Madonna Syndrome. 

Omdat je vroeg: 
(Since you asked in Dutch)

Wally is so smart I am starting to suspect he thinks I am stupid. 

The other day I was late feeding him and he came into my office and guided/herded me down the stairs to the garage where his food is. It really seemed like he was saying, “Clearly you’re too stupid to remember where to go, so I will show you.” 

It would have been insulting if it wasn’t so cute. 

Although I am sure I will watch it, the very title “Batman V. Superman” is abhorrent to me. Personally, I cannot wait to see how a rich guy who works out is going to beat a guy who flies into space to smash meteors. 

That tiny skepticism aside, nothing about this is good. Superman was my ultimate hero. Back when I was sweet and gullible and believed in the Easter Bunny, my heart believed in the TV Superman completely. As I child I was too innocent to try and figure out why a guy who can bounce bullets off his chest felt the need to duck when the bad guys threw the gun at him. 

And if Superman could fly without any apparent propulsion, why did he have to take a running start and then hop out the window? And yes, the wires you could clearly see holding him up did not help Superman’s credibility. 

But I believed with all of my sweet, young heart. 

But, sadly, like with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, there comes a time when you must put away childish things, and a guy from another planet who flies is one of those things. 

Enter Batman.

No football coach in his right mind would start Batman over Superman, but Batman is plausible. Eccentric rich guy who is awesome at Kung Fu and has mind-blowing toys? No, he isn’t a guy who flies with a red cape, but he is pretty damn cool. And he does have a cool cape and a mask. And a utility belt. Had one I cherished when I was a kid. 

(Let’s not get into the whole Robin thing for fear of sounding homophobic) 

After some time after pining for my loss of Superman,  I was finally thinking: OK, I’m in. I love Batman. Not my first love, but love all the same. And, like Superman, he is the ultimate good guy. If you’re fighting either Superman or Batman, you are, by everyone’s definition, a bad guy.

So why are the two best good guys ever fighting each other? One of them has to be a bad guy. But who? It is like making a kid pick a favorite in a fight between Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. 

That’s it. “Batman V. Superman” officially sucks.

Dreams are so nuts. Its like starring in a movie you wrote 12 hours ago except the producer, director and actors are all insane. 

“Excuse me, director, the guy who has come to this castle to hire me as a comedy writer is great. But why is he wearing a “Star Trek” uniform and how come he just robbed a bank?” 

Carnival Cruise announced they will resume sailing to Cuba for the first time in 50 years. Not sure about their promotional slogan: 

“Come for the history, stay for the dysentery.”

While in retirement, David Letterman has apparently struck gold in them thar hills. (We miss the David Letterman) 

In a poll to name a British research ship, the leader is Boaty McBoatface. Other contenders were Ben Dover, Harry Balzac and the HMS Heywood Jablowme. 

Sarah Palin will be a TV court judge and Judge Judy is not happy about it. Anyone else thinking this? Judge cat fight, judge cat fight, judge cat fight. 

The NFL is still considering the Oakland Raiders’ request to move to Las Vegas. An NFL team in a town with 24-hour gambling, drinking and strippers. Even the Cleveland Browns think this is a bad idea.

A study claims Donald Trump has the worst grammar of all the candidates. Asked to comment, Trump said; “My grammar was a wonderful woman who passed away years ago.”

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Sarah Palin will be a TV court judge. There was an awkward moment when a producer saw Sarah Palin’s judge audition tape and asked, “Why is Caitlyn Jenner wearing a robe?” 

Amazon has a show where they follow an NFL team for an entire season. Last year they followed the Cleveland Browns, so this year they’re going to try a real NFL team. 

Two of the Los Angeles Lakers, Nick Young and Jordan Clarkson, have been charged with sexual harassment. Being Lakers, they took a shot at hitting on her from two feet away and still missed. 

Dallas Cowboy owner, Jerry Jones, said trying to link CTE brain disease and the NFL is absurd. In a related story, Jerry Jones clearly has CTE. 

Remember racist LA Clipper owner, Donald Sterling? He had his $1 bil. lawsuit against the NBA thrown out. Sterling would appeal, but the words appeal and Donald Sterling cannot go together. 

Because of a Ted Cruz ad that featured a seductive picture of Melania Trump, Donald Trump has threatened to release damaging information on Cruz’s wife, Heidi. And here I was worried this campaign might get ugly.

In a poll to name a British research ship, the leader is Boaty McBoatface. As bad as that is, it is still much better than Shippy McShipface. 

And I do not care how arrogant someone is, do not call them Cocky McCockface. What? 

The gay catnip aspect of this picture aside, and now he is relatively old athletically at 32, but are you going to tell me this guy, Trey Hardee, at 6.5, 215, could not have made it in the NFL? Bull swaggle. (Uh huh. That's right, I pulled a bull swaggle)

Apple has introduced the 4-inch iPhone SE. It is perfect for Donald Trump. It will make his tiny hands look huge.

Sarah Palin has signed up to be a Judge Judy-type reality TV court judge. Not exactly a lateral move from a US governor and potential vice president. 

It will be a kangaroo court where Palin shoots and skins the kangaroo. 

Sprinter Usain Bolt is saying he will retire after the Rio Olympics. This is harsh news for Usain's steroid dealer. 

The ratings for Caitlyn Jenner’s reality show “I Am Cait” have dropped steadily since its debut. Caitlyn may have to announce she is now a lesbian. 

In response to his misogynistic remarks, Donald Trump said nobody respects women more than he does. Donald Trump’s lie just told a lie to one of his lies. 

Donald Trump rallies are scary. You know what’s safer than a Donald Trump rally? A biathlon of wine-box chugging and chainsaw juggling. 

The NFL held its annual owners and coaches meeting in swanky Boca Raton, Fla. It’s a big deal. When Dallas Cowboy owner, Jerry Jones, arrived they had to air-lift in his ego. 

Since you asked:

Tried to get into “Billions” on Showtime, but it is too unrealistic. While entertaining and clever, it is far too “Wolf of Wall Street” in it’s cartoon-like over depiction of Wall Street. It is far closer to some coked-up screen writer’s idea of a big time investment firm. Aaron Sorkin-like way-too-witty banter. But the actors are all outstanding, especially Paul Giamatti. 

Like 99% of most jobs, the people who are making the most money on Wall Street got paid because they worked the hardest. And they love their job. (That was my problem. I didn't) 

One woman I knew from Wall Street did amazingly well and she was arguably stupid. She just had non-stop ambition and greed. 

And some the investment stuff is cool like the squeezing a short sale and what constitutes insider trading. (Essentially nobody knows what constitutes insider trading. They caught Martha Stewart red-handed on insider trading but they convicted her for lying to a federal prosecutor)

Thinking I will switch over to “The Americans.” 

One of my favorite sports stories goes back to 1987 when the America’s Cup sailing race was in Fremantle, Australia. The Italian team had a day off and decided to go wine tasting. Well the tasting must have gone pretty long, because the driver did not see the kangaroo that jumped in front of their SUV. 

To make the most of a sad situation, the Italians decided it would be a hoot to get a picture with the poor departed fella, so they hoisted him up and put on a team jacket over his little arms and sunglasses on his furry face and dangled a cigarette from his little kangaroo lips and took pictures.

The problem? The kangaroo was just knocked out. It came to and hopped off with the car keys and the jacket owner’s wallet. 

The Italian sailing team had to hitchhike 30 miles back to their hotel. 

Jamaican gold medal sprinter, Usain Bolt, has announced he will retire after the Rio Olympics. This has NFL coaches drooling over the prospect of having a 6.5 200 pound split end who his faster than everyone in the NFL by five yards in a 40 yard dash. 

If the concept of Usain Bolt playing in the NFL was a stock, I would short it. Unless he played rugby, there is no possible way to take the mind and body of a pampered racing horse and put in him a football game. Bob Hayes of the Cowboys was a notable exception. He was a great football player growing up. 

The real NFL football players in the Olympics are the decathletes. 

Averaging 6.2 and 180 to 200 with the muscle to throw the shot, javelin and discus and the athleticism to pole vault and hurdle and the toughness to be that big and run a sub five minute 1500 meters, they are automatic special teams players or tight ends ala Green Bay’s Jordy Nelson. (Not sure Jordy did a decathlon, but he was a talented sprinter and jumper in college) 

Nobody who competes in the decathlon is gifted at all 10 events. Even great decathlete have relative weaknesses. For the amazing Ashton Eaton it is the throws. And that is only because he is a world class jumper and sprinter. Most great athletes only do the things that come easy for them. Decathletes have to focus on their weakness. That is a unique athletic skill.

Look at your gym. See the skinny dudes on the treadmill for an hour. See the barrel chested guy with huge guns and chicken legs bench pressing? 

If I was looking for cheap, raw talent in the NFL, I would go find 8,000 plus scoring decathletes and find out if they have any football or rugby experience in their past. If you can find an 8,000 plus point decathlete who enjoys getting hit and hitting others, you have an automatic NFL player. Plus there is no money out there in the track world for 8,000 point decathletes.  Zero.

To hit 8,000 points in the decathlon a man has to be a tremendous all-around athlete. Ashton Eaton broke 9,000 points. That is mind-boggling. Eaton had the best long jump in the world last year for months at 27 feet. In college at Oregon, Ashton Eaton went from a 10 foot vaulter to a 17 foot vaulter. That isn’t just talent, that is work and guts and coordination. 

The decathlon has to be the worst sport in the world in the aspect of labor-to-dollars. There are probably only 20 decathletes in the world who are even making a decent living competing in the decathlon full time. Ten of those are in Germany. Last year Ashton Eaton had to run the 400 Intermediate hurdles in Europe to make a living. 

And he is the greatest decathlete who ever lived besides Rafer Johnson. 

How bad is the decathlon financially? The reigning gold medalist in the decathlon, the US's own Brian Clay, got dumped by his sponsor Nike right before the London Olympics. Granted, the people at Nike are world class hypocrites, smug weasels and rapacious  and rabid swamp rats , but still . . . 

(If only Brian Clay had sexually assaulted someone,  ala Ben Roethlisberger or Kobe Bryant, then Nike would have stayed with him) 

An 8,000 point decathlete has to high jump around 6 feet 6 inches. Pole vault almost 16 feet. Long jump around 23 feet. Run a 400 in 49. 100 meters in low 11’s. Throw the shot 50 feet. That is one athletic stud-horse who will never even smell a whiff of a medal stand in an international decathlon meet. Or make a nickel.

(Mark, Bill or John Snake, feel free to correct these figures if they are off) 

Put the track shoe on the other football cleat. Do you know how many of the NFL's skill players at the NFL Scouting Combine could have run a low 11 100 meters, high jumped over 6.5, long jumped 23 feet, pole vaulted over 15 feet or thrown a shot 50 feet? 

None. Zero. Nada. Zilch eeeeeveen. (Points for rare Snagglepuss  reference. The world's only gay cartoon lion. OK, maybe besides Scar in "Lion King.")

Had Ashton Eaton competed at the NFL combine his numbers would have blown everybody away.  It would shock me if his vertical jump was below 42 inches. 12 foot plus standing long jump. 4.3 40. Bench press 225 30 times. Record breaking stuff.  Hell, I once did 225 20 times.

The NFL minimum of $435,000 would be like winning the lottery for most decathletes.  There is a reason so many NFL players play far too long. It is a great life. Forget fame, fame sucks. Besides, fame does not exist for 90% of NFL players. They get paid to play a game they love and to be around their buddies and work out. And, to paraphrase Jason Lee's Jeff Bebe in "Almost Famous," the chicks are great. 

One thing for sure you know about decathletes in transitioning to the NFL is their work ethic. They know how to train five hours a day. Watching game film for a decathlete is like an eye-guzzling session on Netflix. Decathletes spend most of an entire day either running, lifting or practicing their events and then getting therapy. Watching film would be a welcomed break. 

Oh, and competing hurt is second nature to a decathlete. When training for ten events, something is always hurt. Always. 

Unlike a pure sprinter, like Usain Bolt, decathletes have to be coordinated enough to pole vault. So that means it is probable 95% chance they can catch a football and, due to the javelin, a 100% chance they can throw a football a country mile. (Like a mile isn't long enough)

Every single one of the decathletes I trained with at UCSB could kick my ass in basketball. And I was a decent hoops player. Not overly skilled ball-handler or shooter, but I could jump and hustle and play, you got it, Tenacious D. A scrapper. (Apologies to Jack Black and that other guy) 

No, there is no doubt about it, NFL, there is a crop of about 20 decathletes out there in the world, five in Germany alone, who could probably be productive NFL players as safeties, full backs and tight end or wide receiver. At the very least on special teams. 

Or a long snapper. Anyone who can throw a discus and javelin can be taught how to snap a football ten yards. 

So if you are going to ask me the obvious question: could Caitlyn Jenner have been a decent NFL player? Remember, nee Bruce Jenner won a partial scholarship in D3 football to Graceland College as a QB, but he hurt his knee. 

And then Caitlyn hurt his nee.

But, in my opinion, as great an athlete as she was, Caitlyn Jenner probably would not have made it in the NFL. Ironically, as we have learned on “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” she was way too much of a . . . well. You know. 

Anyone who lets Kris Jenner hen-peck them could not have made it in the NFL.  

Monday, March 21, 2016

“TMZ” showed Tom Brady and his wife, Giselle, surfing pretty big waves in Costa Rica. Those poor kids. If only life would let them catch one single break. Is that asking too much? 

In the picture, Tom is riding regular-foot with the wave backside on a left turn. But it is Giselle’s backside that is the real star.  

Tom is riding an inflatable surf board and it looks a little soft. Someone check that.  

Happy 35th anniversary to Post-it Notes. Remind me to text myself to remind me not to buy Post-it Notes, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The NFL had its annual owners and coaches meeting in swanky Boca Raton, Fla. Everything was first class. The buffet was all-your-ego-can-eat.

President Obama is on an historic trip to Cuba. Part of me believes the reason is because Obama just loves to say the word Cuba. “Uh. You know. I. Uh. Like to say the word Cuba. A lot. Cuba. See?”

In a poll to name a British research ship, the leading contender is Boaty McBoatface. Naming something by an internet poll is a bad idea, just ask my dog: Deez Nutz. 

Scott Baio has endorsed Donald Trump. This is why you have to love celebrity egos. Scott Baio actually thinks we care who Scott Baio endorses. 

Baio actually thinks someone will think; “Well, I was going to vote for Bernie Sanders, but if Scott Biao endorses Trump, by god, I’m voting for Trump. He was Chachi after all.” 

Scott Baio has endorsed Donald Trump. You know how sometimes you read about a father who leaves to buy beer and never comes back to the family? Why can’t celebrities do that?

Scott Baio has endorsed Donald Trump.  That is great, but I am going to wait and hear what Urkle thinks.

In an internet poll to name a British research ship, the leading contender is Boaty McBoatface. Other contenders were Seaman Container, Below Me and the HMS Ben Dover. 

Sadly, a 27-year-old Texas man, Phillip Panzica, famous for being arrested in February for having sex on a Las Vegas ferris wheel with a woman he just met, died after picking up his fiancé, who is a dancer in a strip club. So apparently an STD can kill you.

At his concert in L.A., Bruce Springsteen signed a nine-year-old boy’s tardy note for school the next day. The note from the Boss said, “Baby We Born To Run Late.”

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Yale made a great comeback, but lost to Duke 71-64. The game set a new record for the highest cumulative SAT scores. Most of the teams left in the tournament don’t know what cumulative means. Or an SAT score. 

How hypochondriacal am I? In the split second it takes air to pass through my esophagus before I burp, I am 80% sure I’m having a heart attack.