This is about where I was, SUP surfing at Torrey Pines, only there was fog on top of this cliff; when the sun burst through it illuminated the ghost-like wisps of fog dancing on top of the glassy ocean creating dozens of mini rainbows. Thanks for that, big guy.


Nike signs a deal with Michael Vick? Vick got out of Nike's dog house pretty damn quick.

Tweet, tweet, tweet to the twit, twit, twit, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A man in New Jersey is accused of having sex with five cows; or as he is known in Wisconsin: a player.

He’s fine now, but Friday, Conan O’Brien slipped and hit his head on “The Tonight Show” stage and got a concussion; hey the job is dangerous, I once got a concussion playing football, but luckily it didn’t cause brain damage, but I was lucky, it didn’t cause brain damage.

Congratulations to the Lions who snapped their 19 game losing streak to the Washington Redskins. How embarrassing is that for the Redskins? It’s like losing Father of the year to John Phillips.

The Los Angeles Lakers’ Lamar Odom married reality TV star Khloe Kardashian this weekend; there were many famous celebrities at the wedding, none of which were the bride and groom.

A man in New Jersey is accused of having sex with five cows, the man denies this charge claiming it is udderly ridiculous.

A man in New Jersey is accused of having sex with five cows; he says it wasn’t his fault, the cows were in the mooood.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are collaborating on a book about how to be famous. And I am going to read it just as soon as I am finished with John Phillips’ book on parenting.

The Los Angeles Lakers’ Lamar Odom married reality TV star Khloe Kardashian this weekend; it’s not a good sign when the best thing that can be said for this couple is they are not as annoying as Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are collaborating on a book about how to be famous; it was a little awkward when Heidi was asked about her collaboration with Spencer, Heidi said; “Well, sometimes I wish he could, like, be bigger.”

True it’s a little early, but I know what I am going as this Halloween. I am going to wear a Spencer Pratt mask and go as a douche bag.

The Los Angeles Lakers’ Lamar Odom married reality TV star Khloe Kardashian this weekend; in vastly more important news: my dog, Wrigley, likes to lick himself when he’s lying down.

The Los Angeles Lakers’ Lamar Odom married reality TV star Khloe Kardashian this weekend; in a related story, I will never, ever, get back the time out of my life it took me to say that.

The Lakers’ Lamar Odom married reality TV star Khloe Kardashian this weekend at the home of tiny widely despised music mogul, Irving Azoff; gosh, an NBA star marrying a spoiled untalented celebutante in the home of a sleazy entertainment midget. What could go wrong?

Since you asked:

How on earth is it possible for Dr. Phil to be the country’s go-to TV therapist counseling people through this epidemic of over-entitlement crashing together with lack of talent, when Dr. Phil his own goofy bald ass is the very personification of over-entitlement and lack of talent?

The guy isn’t even a psychiatrist. He’s a freaking psychologist. Psychiatrists are real doctors. In college, I took a couple psychology courses and I am pretty sure that qualifies me as a psychologist.

Now, psychologist’s, don’t get all up in my hunky dinky (hunky dinky?) ‘cause I disrespected yo ass. Psychologists are qualified to do what they do, provide therapy for their patients. But not the entire damn country, like that cow-tipping dome head dork Dr Phil.

(OK, easy, Lex, time to simmer down. Put a damper on ‘er, big fella. Whew)

Some things are just amazing because they are, like Secretariat

What what on the woot woot, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers The Los Angeles City Council has passed a law limiting one rooster per household; what’s the one rooster law called? One cock a dude will do? You can now perform Karaoke on your computer; finally some long-awaited good news for those drunk, untalented shut in losers. President Barack Obama is calling for more school time and less summer vacation for kids; in a related story, his daughters Sasha and Malia, called the President a big stinky do-do head. Former “American Idol” runner up, Justin Guarini, was married over the weekend; it was a nice wedding, the reception was catered by the same Domino’s Justin delivers for. Phil Mickelson won the Tour Championship; there was an awkward moment when they presented Phil the trophy and he was interrupted by Kanye West who said; “Immagonna let you finish, but Tiger Woods is the best golfer of all time.” Convicted dog-fighter, Michael Vick played only six plays in the Philadelphia Eagles 34-14 win over the Kansas City Chiefs; but, in Vick’s defense, 6 plays is 42 plays in dog years. The Minnesota Vikings beat the San Francisco Forty Niners 27-24 thanks to a last second touchdown pass by Brett Favre; I don’t want to imply Favre is getting up there, but Favre celebrated the big win by going to Applebee’s and blowing on his soup. The Los Angeles Lakers’ Lamar Odom married reality TV star Khloe Kardashian this weekend; it was touching, the couple wrote their own vows; “I promise to love honor and cherish as long as we are both remotely famous.” President Barack Obama is going to Denmark to pitch Chicago’s bid to host the 2016 summer Olympic Games. Or as the Olympics are referred to in Chicago, Dah-limp-picks. President Barack Obama is going to Denmark to pitch Chicago’s bid to host the 2016 summer Olympic Games. The Chicago Olympics will be like the regular Olympics except the Olympic flame cauldron will be replaced by a big, red Weber Barbeque kettle that’s grilling sausages. President Barack Obama is going to Denmark to pitch Chicago’s bid to host the 2016 summer Olympic Games. The Chicago Olympics will be like the regular Olympics except the marathon will be replaced by a pub crawl. The Los Angeles Lakers’ Lamar Odom married reality TV star Khloe Kardashian this weekend; the wedding information is posted online at www. Who gives a rat’s ass about these idiots?.com. San Diego Charger Shawne Merriman was out of the Miami Dolphin game due to a groin injury; the official medical term for Merriman’s injury is Tila Tequila-itis. President Barack Obama is going to Denmark to pitch Chicago’s bid to host the 2016 summer Olympic Games. The Chicago Olympics will be like the regular Olympics except the Olympic motto will be changed from Swifter, Higher, Stronger to Swig ‘dis Old Style longer.” Since you asked: If there was ever any doubt how far Hollywood would stick it’s head up a big shot director’s ass, it has been erased forever with the protest by studio heads and stars as big as Harrison Ford and Whoopi Goldberg, who are actually against the arrest of child anal-rapist, Roman Polanski. Let’s not forget, a then 44-year-old Polanski serves champagne and proscription drugs to a 13-year-old girl in a Jacuzzi and then sodomized her against her will. He gets arrested and agrees to 42-days in a mental health facility, but when he finds out he will go to prison, he skips out and lives luxuriously in Europe for 31-years doing god-only-knows- what to more underage girls. Polanski was arrested on his way to a film festival to get his ass seriously kissed by has-been movie stars like Debra Winger. Debra Winger hasn’t made a movie in so long she would protest the arrest of Osama bin Laden if he could get her into one of his videos. By no means am I a prude on Hollywood sex lives. If a big shot movie star can have a four way with beautiful women every night, I am neither jealous nor bitter. Even though the closest I could get to a four way is watching hotel room porn while on a conference call. But a 44-year-old creep anal raping a 13-year-old girl is way over the line, even for Hollywood. Remember, Hollywood gave an Oscar to this scumbag knowing what he did. In an era drowning in entitlement, Hollywood is so arrogant they actually believe, because what they do is so important, they live under different ethical and moral rules than the rest of us. That is how they are able to pucker up and smooch the perverted old wrinkled asses of sickos like Woody Allen – who had sex with and married his step daughter, no John Phillips, but not far behind - and Roman Polanski. As a culture we worship celebrities way too much. Remember, Charlie Manson is a celebrity. Charlie Manson does not have a decent bone in his entire body. But he is a celebrity. Can you even imagine how loudly these Hollywood hypocrites would be screaming for the head of Roman Polanski if he was a republican congressman who drugged and raped a 13-year-old girl and skipped out to live in Paris?

Man it is hot today. I was sweating like George W. Bush trying to pronounce nuclear proliferation.

Universal Pictures has bought the rights to Barbie to make a major movie starring Barbie. Come on, a Hollywood movie starring a girl mostly made of plastic with huge boobs and fake blonde hair? Oh, yeah.

Did you hear President Obama’s speech on nuclear proliferation? Or as President Bush used to call nuclear proliferation, knuckle-warrior-prostitionalafied.

Chicago Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their baby boy Wrigley Fields. The parents said if he doesn’t like the name Wrigley when he gets older he can go by his middle name: The-Mets-Suck.

Chicago Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their baby boy Wrigley Fields. He’s a healthy baby boy but they will have to put his food in a blender one month a year because he will have a tendency to choke in September,

Chicago Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their baby boy Wrigley Fields. Good thing the baby was born in September because if it was due in October it would have to wait to come out until next Spring.

Chicago Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their baby boy Wrigley Fields. It’s not unusual for fans to name their children after their baseball team. Last month in Los Angeles, two Dodger fans named their son: Let’s Leave Early to Beat Traffic.

For the UN meeting, you know where Libyan President Muammar Qadaffi is staying? In a big tent on one of Donald Trump’s properties. And you’ll never guess where Iran President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad is staying: he slithered in and burrowed underneath Trump’s hairpiece.

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife, Evi, were arrested in Texas for skipping out on a $10,000 California resort hotel bill; in a related story, Randy Quaid has officially broken the world record for purchasing hotel adult movies set by President Bill Clinton.

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife, Evi, were arrested in Texas for skipping out on a $10,000 California resort hotel bill; How did Quaid get out of the hotel owing $10,000? When I so much as look at M&M’s in the “honor bar” security knocks down my door to charge my credit card.

Twelve acts are up for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame including Kiss. Does Kiss deserve to be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame when they can’t really sing and they just look scary with too much makeup and weird outfits? But then Madonna made the Hall, so I guess so.

Attention middle-aged dude power-walking sans shirt: the official tally of people in the world who like that look? Zero. Put on your "I'm a douche bag" t-shirt stat.


I swear, if I don't stop exaggerating for dramatic effect I am going to kill myself.

Attention: stop making words plural just to sound cool, for reals.