Saturday, November 02, 2013

Yo, I got to do that thing at that place with those peoples, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

They’re still having problems with the Obamacare website; that thing freezes more than Bruce Jenner’s face.
They’re still having problems with the Obamacare website; that thing is slower than Kim Kardashian on “Jeopardy.”
They’re still having problems with the Obamacare website; that thing freezes and crashes more than the Jacksonville Jaguars.
They’re still having problems with the Obamacare website; guys, that thing is so slow, by the time you log on, you’ll have a beard like a Boston Red Sox.

Since you asked:

Starting to notice that when my wife or daughter sleep in, or take a nap, they act like it is a court-ordered, life-saving procedure prescribed by a doctor. 
But, heaven forbid, I announce I am going to rest my eyes for a few minutes? Down comes the thundershower of sarcasm and disdain:
"Whoa, so this is what you do all day? Must be nice. Too much wine last night? What are you, in Kindergarten or an old-folks home? Do you have a little nap blanket you want lie down on?" 

Friday, November 01, 2013

A bird? A plane? No, it's Super Wally

They up and just got they hair did, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

President Obama didn’t have a costume; his advisors didn’t tell him it was Halloween.
A study claims men are aroused sexually by pumpkins; which explains how Snooki was able to get pregnant.
Rumor has it the daughters of Bruce and Kris Jenner, Kylie, 16 and Kendall, 17, are already spiraling out of control with plastic surgery and partying; why do I get the feeling the words admitted, dehydrated and exhaustion are in their future?
In “Keeping up with the Kardashians” Bruce Jenner is being driven by his 16-year-old daughter, Kylie, and Bruce loses it at the paparazzi following them. Getting upset at photographers while filming a reality show is like suing a hooker for sexual harassment.
Russian President Vladimir Putin has suddenly reversed his position and now says gays will be welcome at the Sochi Olympics; and if there is one way to become popular with the gay fellas, it is to suddenly reverse your position.
Gays and lesbians will be welcome at the Sochi Olympics; so congratulations men’s figure skating, women’s snowboarding and the two-man luge, you’re back in.
There is a phenomenon on social networks called Drunk Posting. That’s when you posted last night on Facebook or Twitter, but you don’t remember it. Folks, that’s how you know you’re really drunk; when you have drank your ugly-ass drunk-selfie hot and posted it.
Lex’s Random Thoughts
You want to know how much hot women love sports stars and rock and rollers? The Boston Red Sox and the guys from ZZ Top get laid.
Why are these NFL jerseys getting sweat stained panel by panel?
Why is it so easy to figure out if a baseball player catches a ball (He doesn’t drop it) and so wildly complicated to figure out if an NFL player has caught a ball? (Possession and then control of the ball, two feet in bounds and a football made move immediately after and even then it is probably going to be reviewed)
Driving while talking on iPhone is still illegal, right?
Why isn’t driving with a lap dog in your lap illegal?
What did I eat last night that has my stomach sounding like Chewbacca in a cave hate- effing R2D2?
If you don’ts gots to do to know, then what you doin’ it fo'?
“Slappass Sally and the Skanky Shanks” is my new country musical play opening in Branson, Missouri. 

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

If you can’t figure out your Halloween costume, you can’t go wrong dressing as a slutty Bruce Jenner.
The World Series, Boston is up 3-2. The Boston Red Sox players are excited, they spent the whole morning Febreze’ing their beards.
In Washington DC, singer Chris Brown was arrested for assault again; a source for Chris Brown says he has learned his lesson, he is going to stick to beating up female pop singers.
In the NFC East, the one-time 0-6 New York Giants have won two games and are just two games out of a tie for the lead. The NFC East is so bad, if the Jacksonville Jaguars were in it, they would merely stink instead of suck.
On Sunday, an attempted fix for the Obamacare website caused the entire site to crash; they are still working on the problems. For example, your password has to include a number, a capital letter and the phrase: Ted Cruz Sucks.
We got some rain today, in fact, it rained so much in Santa Monica, it actually washed two people into a theater that was showing A.C.O.D..