My Barry Bonds story:

Like everyone else, besides Giants fans, I love ripping Barry Bonds. During a game in Chicago, we had great seats right near home plate at Wrigley Field. Barry Bonds is kneeling in the on-deck circle right in front of me and my immediate reaction at seeing him was, wow, that guy wears a lot of jewelry: two huge diamond earrings - one is a cross - a bunch of gold chains. So, bolstered by many Old Style beers, during a deathly quiet lull, I yell out:

“Hey Barry, your wife called, she wants you to stop wearing all her damn jewelry.”

Not Algonquin Roundtable material, but this was Wrigley field; the line was, in all modesty, greeted with much cracking up and high fives from the surrounding patrons.

Bonds, looks down, then he starts chuckling. Then Bonds looks up right at me and nods his approval with a non-verbal "Not bad, Pal" look.

Dammit, one of the things I loved in baseball was ripping Bonds, and now he has taken that away from me forever. I can’t rip a guy who laughed at my joke. I'll never forgive him.

This also just in:

I got a traffic ticket the other day, but I think I can get out of it; I’m going to tell the Judge I’m still the president of Iraq.


I am not proud of this. Oh, hell, yes I am . . .

Bill Clinton’s “My Life” is still hot and “Spider Man 2” is number one. In short, it’s been a good week for guys famous for stuff shooting out of them.

(Cringe)

This just in:


Rumor has it that Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski might leave for the Los Angeles Lakers. When asked to comment, President Bush asked;

“Who’s Mike Shavershankssnuffleupaguss?”



Not that I am bitter

Have you seen “Last Comic Standing”? If these people are so darn funny, how come, when they are voting in that little photo booth, not one of them has ever asked where the toilet paper is?

Now that's comedy.

When we hit it, we hit it good, so who’s feelin’ you now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

On second thought
*Maria Sharapova will meet Serena Williams in the finals of Wimbledon. I don’t see what’s so great about this. So two beautiful, tall, fit women will be running around in really short skirts grunting at each other . . . what time is that on Saturday?

Many tennis experts feel the more mature, stronger, Serena will veritably spank the young Maria Sharapova in what, um, will probably, um, be straight . . . sets . . . sorry, I pictured Serena spanking Maria and I sort of got lost. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, go Cubs.

Lance in France
Lance Armstrong readies for a possible sixth Tour De France win. With this win, Lance will have won in France more than the German, American, Italian and Spanish armies combined.

Nice to hear
*A subdued Mike Tyson has announced another fighting comeback attempt. Tyson was contrite and has said he has changed. Now Tyson said he would only chew off another fighter’s body part if he absolutely has to.

Almost sad, well, no it isn’t
*In a Sports Illustrate poll the enemy of the state of California was Oakland Raider owner Al Davis. Al Davis is so unpopular that, when he was a kid, when his mom tied a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him, the dog became a vegetarian.

Not positive
Did you see that picture of Saddam Hussein pointing his finger up? I’m not positive, but I think he was complaining about his prostate exam.

When did Saddam turn into Angel from “The Rockford Files”?

Did you see Saddam? He’s tan, he’s groomed, and he’s thinner. Why, it almost looks like he’s been staying in his Palm Springs spider hole.

Wouldn’t you know it?
*The State Department is cautioning Americans against traveling to the tiny Persian Gulf nation of Bahrain, citing information that extremists were planning attacks. And just like that, there go my Fourth of July plans.

Since you asked:

How about that walk-off Slammin’ Sammy Sosa home run (two finger smooch, heart tappy-tap and point) against the nearly evil Houston Asstros? Folks, as a Cubs fan, it doesn’t get any better than that except, maybe, Tara Reid asking if her friend Carmen Electra can join you in some wine-drenched naked hot-tub’ing. Hmmm. Oh, sorry, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, go Serena.

Speaking of Tara, have you seen “Scrubs”? It is really funny despite their Bill Cosby Show-like need to have morals and happy endings. At least there are no really ugly sweaters. My idol is Dr. Cox.(John C. McGinley) And he is with that really cool girl from “The Drew Carey Show,” Christa Miller. TiVo that bad dog.

The last episode, Danni (Tara) told the young doctor lead guy J.D. (Zach Braff)she "likes it rough." Later, J.D. asks Danni if she likes him and she says she prefers tough guys. He responds;

J.D.: "Last night I knocked you unconscious."

Danni: "Yeah, for like five seconds."

When Jordan (Christa Miller) accuses Dr. Cox (McGinley) of having a crush on a hot doctor, McGinley's reaction is priceless:

"Who-said-what-to-who?"

When Jordan leaves after letting him have it, Cox then privately chastises God for not loving everyone equally, referring to him as "Big Guy." You gotta love that stuff. No, you do.

Bitter comic rant:
Do you like “The Last Comic Standing”? I do. But what the hell Kathleen Madigan is doing there I don’t know. She doesn’t need that, she is huge. She was a correspondent to “The Tonight Show” during the Olympics, she has had a number of HBO and Comedy Central specials, TV appearances, you name it. I am a big fan of the Kathleen Madigan. A morning drive radio show I write for (101.5 KGB, the D.S.C.) uses her stuff on the Olympics all the time. Competing against Kathleen Madigan would be like playing a company softball team that has Barry Bonds.

Here is my last year’s “Last Comic Standing” winner, Dat Phan story.

Prior to his “Last Comic” win, Dat and I have appeared at the Comedy Store in La Jolla on the same night about, oh, ten times. We know each other pretty well. We are not friends, but friendly, as he was one of the few fairly friendly, non-psycho comedians who hung out there.

One night I promoted a show for my wife's charity and, thanks to my many great friends hitting the phones hard, we sold the place out. This visibly upset Dat to no end. “Why do you know so many people? Why are they all here?” He stopped just short of saying; “You’re not nearly as good as me, how come so many people are here to see you?” What a charmer that Dat could be.

So Dat goes on, through sheer hard work and will, and wins “Last Comic Standing.” Good for him, it was fun to watch, he worked really hard for it. In a rather shameless attempt to leech off his success, I sent him – I still had his old e-mail address - a fairly harmless note saying, good job, if he ever needed a writer keep me in mind, we San Diego comedians need to stick together, blah, blah, blah. No lie, the guy sends me back a form, fan e-mail.

“Dat Phan would like to thank you for your support", etc.

Believe me, I had half a mind to tell him I have been snubbed by people a lot more famous than he is. But I guess the guy’s pretty busy. Good for him. (Who am I kidding?)

No question, though, the bar has been raised by these last batch of comics on “Last Comic Standing.” They are good. Damn good. (Except for that evil troll, Ant) That last year’s group of comics, when they were off the stage (I don’t want to mention names, but one rhymes with Bat Spam) didn’t really seem to have much in the way of, well, a sense of humor. In comedy that can spell trouble. Being a comic with little or no sense of humor is like being a blind NASCAR driver. With guts, luck and persistence, you could possibly do OK after one lap, maybe two, but eventually it catches up to you.

We are family, I got all my sisters with me, we are family, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Homework
*An attractive Florida newlywed middle school teacher has been charged with having sex numerous times with a 14-year-old male student who turned her in to the police. To which millions of 14-year-old boys screamed to him as one: “What are you, nuts?”

Allegedly they had sex at his house, and in a car. On the bright side, it’s nice to see a teacher make time for a student after school.

The kid probably turned her in because he was tired. When teachers have sex they make you do it over until you get it right.

(The Sammy Sosa Pop and Hop Joke)
The boy’s parents suspected there was a problem when he presented them with a bumper sticker that said; “Our Child is an honor, off her, honor, off her student.”

She was charged with four counts of lewd and lascivious acts against a minor and one count of lewd and lascivious exhibition. In addition, a nation of teenage boys charged her with being really dreamy.

Send over that “whacky” Oklahoma judge
*In an Iraqi courtroom, Saddam Hussein said; “ . . . the real criminal is Bush.” Apparently Saddam Hussein snapped in prison and now he has delusions of being Michael Moore.

Iron-head Mike
*A subdued Mike Tyson has announced another fighting comeback attempt. Tyson was polite, contrite but at one point he snapped and yelled that the real criminal was Bush.

It ain't all beer and skittles up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Aces
Maria Sharapova beat Ai Sygiyama and won a spot in the Wimbledon semi finals. Sharapova has been described as the next Anna Kournakova which I find confusing; either she won or she’s the next Anna Kournakova, which one is it?

Bygones be bygones, just be gone
Eli Manning is in San Diego for a NFL rookie symposium at the La Costa Resort and Spa. San Diego wants to show there are no hard feelings about being shunned and will treat Manning to that new spa treatment: the hot tar bath followed by the feather-dunking skin treatment.

Coincidence?
*Star Trek’s Jeri Ryan said her ex-husband, Jack Ryan, forced her to perform sex acts in front of strangers. Jeri Ryan also starred in “Boston Public.” Coincidentally, she also had sex in Boston’s public.

See? I hate to say I told you so . . .
*British tabloids are circulating the rumor that the reason Britney Spears is engaged is because she is pregnant. If she is pregnant, it’s her doctor’s fault. After Britney hurt her knee, he instructed her to go to bed and elevate her legs. That’s what happens.

Booty Call$
*"Smarty Jones' breeding rights were sold but the 3-year-old refuses to shuttle so, rather than him traveling all over the country, the broodmares must come to him. And, at an estimated stud fee of $75,000 to $100,000, this sets a record for the most expensive booty call.

Receiving $75,000 to $100,000 for a home-game horsy booty call? Now we know where the Smart in Smarty Jones comes from.

$75,000 to $100,000 for a home game booty call? When I was single, I thought it was pretty good that I got a girl to come with a pizza and a six-pack.

Good thing
Saddam Hussein was handed over to Iraqi officials. Good thing he wasn’t handed over to Los Angeles, they always let famous murderers off.

Since you asked, the educational version
Included in the “Time” magazine (June 5, 2004) about Thomas Jefferson was an article about how Muslims along the Barbary coast, between 1600 and 1800 - a time when there weren’t a whole lot of folks around to begin with - took over 1.25 million American and English as slaves.

Attempts at negotiations with various Muslim leaders to stop the raids were met with increased blackmail demands for a “peace” that was always ignored.

When Jefferson asked the London Ambassador of Tripoli (Libya), Ambassador Abdrahaman, what gave them the right to attack and take slaves, since the U.S. never attacked them, here is what Jefferson said he said:

“The Ambassador answered us that it was founded on the Laws of their Prophet, that it was written in their Koran, that all nations who should not have acknowledged their authority were sinners, that it was their right and duty to make war upon them wherever they could be found, and to make slaves of all they could take as prisoners.”

Finally fed up, as soon as he became president in 1801, Jefferson dispatched Navy frigates filled with marines –incidentally, without the approval of Congress, which was in recess- to attack and put an end to the Muslim slave trade. It was the first time the U.S. attacked a foreign country. (Hence the part of the Marines anthem; “To the shores of Tipoli)

After a series of serious butt-kickings at the hand of our Navy and Marines, all four of the North African Barbary States (Algiers, Tunis, Morocco, and Tripoli) signed treaties with the U.S. denouncing piracy, kidnapping, and blackmail.

It is too bad that Jefferson didn’t fight nearly as hard against slavery in the U.S., but it is interesting to ponder how one our founding fathers would react to our problems with Iraq and the Middle East.

To their credit, however, from this article, there is no indication that those old-school Muslim captors ever cut off the heads of their American and English prisoners.

We slammin’ in da rizzy wit my road dogs now, my brizzy, Torn slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A big day
*Craig Stadler and his son Kevin both won golf tournaments on the same day. It was a big day for the Stadlers and a bad day for the proponents of the “Golfers are finely tuned athletes” argument.

It was a big day for the Stadler family, but, if you’ve seen Craig and Kevin, you know every day is a big day for the Stadler family.

Historical conference
*The U.S.-led coalition in Iraq transferred sovereignty over to the Iraqi interim government today in a hasty ceremony dubbed the Good Riddance conference.

That’s one heck of a day
*Rapper DMX faces up to seven years in jail after being charged with cocaine possession after trying to steal a car claiming he was a federal agent, then crashing another vehicle through an airport car-park gate. That’s a busy day even for Courtney Love.


Ewww
*Friday was “Take your dog to work” day. On the “Today Show” Matt Lauer’s dog got a really bad haircut, and Katie Couric’s dog got a colonoscopy.

Ewww 2
*A judge in Oklahoma was charged with masturbating under his robes while a court case was going on. It brought a whole new meaning to beating the rap.

Or, as we call it . . .

*German scientists have discovered a five-year-old boy that is more than twice as strong and muscular as a normal child. Or as we in California call someone who is really muscular, speaks German and has the mind of a child: Governor Schwarzenegger.

Fingers crossed
*Britney Spears is engaged to her backing dancer Kevin Federline; She has been dating him for two months. Now that her knee is better, if Britney stays healthy, she is on pace to beat Jennifer Lopez’s marriage record.

I choose not to be cynical and predict this hasty celebrity marriage will stand the test of time just as I am certain that Britney is engaged to the one and only straight backing male dancer in recorded history.

Britney is marrying a backing male dancer? Was Liza Minella’s ex, David Gest already spoken for? Who’s the best man, Richard Simmons?

Not to brag, but
*It is estimated that Smarty Jones stud fee will fetch between $75,000 and $100,000. Not to tell tales out of school, when I was younger, I was once offered $75,000 to mate; sadly, I had to tell the woman I just couldn’t afford to pay that kind of money.

Super Freakie Trekkie
*Star Trek’s Jeri Ryan said her ex-husband, Jack Ryan, a republican candidate for the Senate, forced her to perform sex acts in front of strangers at sex clubs. Now Ryan has had to back out of the election and Dick Cheney was furious. You should have heard what Cheney told Ryan to do.

When asked to comment, a Star Trek fans asked; “What is sex, exactly?”

Ryan has had to back out of the election. But Ryan may return to the election running under the Super Freak party ticket.

Lost in Translation
*Last week, Madonna announced she is changing her name to her Kabbalah name, Esther. Esther is an old name from Judaism that, roughly translated, means, Maker of bad movies.

A new record
Britney Spears is engaged again. In a related story, a world record was set by newspaper editors who all thought they were funny when they all used the same headline; “Oops, She Did it Again” 5,000 times.

Since you asked

You know what I love? It's one of my favorite parts of the night but it only lasts a split second. (No, not sex, but thanks for the vote of confidence) No, it's that instant when you suddenly fall asleep.

You go to lie down, you're tired, your mind starts to drift:

"Gosh, I'm beat. Whew, what a day. Tomorrow, I gotta get up and do it again. Hah, I just quoted Jackson Browne. Should clean up my office though. Kind of dirty. Stacks of paper, those Jamba Juice cups are stacking up and . . . hey?! What's a monkey doing at my desk? And why is "Saturday Night Live" head-writer-babe Tina Fey brushing his fur?"

That's when it hits you, oh yeah, I must be asleep. But then, sometimes, you try and get cute and direct your dream:

"OK, last time this happened I was able to get rid of the stupid monkey and put Tina Fey in a French Maid's outfit. Let's try that again. Oh, damn, Tina's leaving and the monkey is in the French Maid's outfit. Good thing nobody knows about this dream or they would think I was pretty weird."

So now you are try to wrest control of the dream, but it’s taking off beyond your control.

“Hey, Tina Fey, come back here. I want to ask you about a joke. Where’d she go? I think she went through this door. Hey, what is this? It’s my sophomore high school geometry class. What’s that? I have to take a test? I’m not ready for a test. Oh, alright, I’ll just take out a pen and . . . great. I’m not wearing pants."

And that's how we play "Welcome to Alex's Sick Mind." We're open 24 hours a day.

(Polite, but slightly worried, applause)