Friday, January 18, 2013

Remember Katherine Webb? Imagine how hot Alabama QB's AJ McCarron's imaginary girlfriend is?

Talk to the paw, ‘cause the puppy ain’t listening, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How annoying was Nicki Minaj on “American Idol”? If Nicki Minaj was Manti Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend, he would have broken up with her before she died.

An Australian measured a Subway sandwich and was irate when it came up shorter than advertised. To which women everywhere said; “Tell me about it.”

Sadly, a man in Florida was killed when he left his truck to open a gate and his dog stepped on the accelerator. Some neutered dogs hold a grudge.

What a terrible time for sports, Lance Armstrong admits lying and cheating, a college star has a fake dead girlfriend, an Olympic runner is a prostitute. On the bright side, it has never been less embarrassing to be a Chicago Cubs fan.

The heart-wrenching story that Notre Dame linebacker, Manti Te’o’s girlfriend died of Leukemia, turns out it was a hoax. As bad as this is, it could have been worse. They were going to say the girlfriend flew off in a weather balloon.

Former NFL joke, Ryan Leaf, was kicked out of a Montana drug rehab facility and sent to prison; Ryan was a #2 draft pick bust, but experts feel Leaf will go first in the prisoner’s bitch draft.

After a four-month lockout, the NHL starts this weekend. For folks in L.A., that means that thing you didn’t care wasn’t happening is now going to happen.

An Australian man ordered a foot-long Subway sandwich and measured it and was irate when it came up only eleven inches. It is like all my ex-girlfriends all over again.

Since you asked:

More and more is going to come up about this Manti Te’o scandal. 

How do I put this?

If anyone has spent any time around a major men’s sports program, let’s just say the one thing the athletes don’t need to come up with is imaginary girlfriends.

Why would someone, who could date practically any woman he wanted to date, come up with an imaginary girlfriend?

Notre Dame is a media spin-making machine. This is a college who changed the pronunciation of a Heisman’s candidate’s name to rhyme, Joe Theisman used to be pronounced Joe Theeesman.

Not saying Notre Dame was in on the hoax, but they ran with it. 

Pretty sure I have the Manti Te'o iPod Playlist ready. 
(With help from the always hilarious Janice Hough)

"She's Gone"

"Satisfaction (I can't get no)"

"Angel Dream #2."

"Imaginary Lover."

"If you Can't Be with the One You Love" (Love the one your with)


Thursday, January 17, 2013

It’s your bet, loving man, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This flu epidemic is bad. Your fever can go so high, and your mind can become so cloudy, you think you had an imaginary dead girlfriend.

The heart-wrenching story that Notre Dame linebacker, Manti Te’o’s girlfriend died in September of Leukemia, turns out it was a hoax to get him publicity. Even OJ Simpson is all; “Dude, do you have any shame?”

I’ve already picked Manti to be on my Deluded Fantasy Football Team.

Now Notre Dame is trying to spin it that Te’o was duped and knew nothing about the hoax. All they have to do now is make him a priest and transfer him to another parish.

No truth to the rumor Notre Dame is changing its name to No Te'o Dame. 

When informed of the Manti Te’o hoax, Lance Armstrong said; “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.”

More disturbing disgraced sports figures news. Remember three-time Olympian-runner-turned-Las Vegas hooker, Suzy Favor Hamilton? She used to charge clients $1,000 dollars to do a three-way with Manti Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend. 

We should have known, Te’o is a Samoan word that means: Politician.

In other news, sadly, a man in Florida was killed when he left his truck to open a gate and his dog stepped on the accelerator. That’s what happens when you name a dog Lindsay Lohan.

Since you asked:

Manti Te’o? To brutally paraphrase Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is right. Manti’s cousin/friend, Tuiasasopo,  cooked up this scheme to get more Heisman publicity and Manti went along with it.

What do we know? Manti said he met her at Stanford, or allowed people to believe his father who said he met her at Stanford. Either way, Manti lied and kept on lying.

Notre Dame is trying to spin it that Te’o was duped. So that means either Te’o is an utter idiot or a liar. I’m going to go with the simpler answer: a liar.

This just in: Just read Manti told "ESPN" magazine he met her and she was the most beautiful girl he ever saw. Confirmed, he is a liar.

Why would his cousin/friend, or anyone else, go to such lengths for more Heisman publicity? The only person who had anything to gain if this moronic scheme did not blow up, was Manti.

Manti, learn a painful lesson that Tiger Woods and Lance Armstrong did not: the sooner you tell the truth the better off you will be. 

With this much heat, the truth is going to come out. 

Is it just me?

Or does "Girls" Lena Dunham - I am a fan - look like the girl in sophomore biology class the football jock picks as a lab partner because she will do all the work? 

Sending this one out to Manti Te'o

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

This flu epidemic is bad. Here are the symptoms of the flu, you get sweaty, you shake, you can’t think straight and then you poop your pants. Wait, no, that was Al Roker at the White House, sorry.

Spike Lee is getting heavy criticism from Black entertainers for criticizing “Django Unchained.” Let’s face it, Spike Lee is to Quentin Tarantino as a director as Mars Blackman is to Michael Jordan as a basketball player.

Now it looks like the Post Office will sue Lance Armstrong for the $30 million in sponsorship money they gave him. That is when you know you’re in trouble when the Post Office is suing you for doing a bad job.

Since you asked:
One of the reason Huell Howser loved California so much is that he was from another state, Tennessee. 

To really fall hard for California, you need to first fall in love with it from a distance. In movies and TV shows, you begin to get a feel for the place even thousands of miles away.

When I was freezing my butt off in January waiting for cartoons to come on on Saturday morning, the cereal commercials showed California kids surfing and skateboarding. 

It helped me to fall in love with California was to spend the first half of the first year in college in a lonely dump of a studio apartment in smoggy East Long Beach. Everything else by comparison seemed like paradise.

Then, one by one, you see that so much of what is awesome in our country is in California. San Francisco and the Golden Gate Bridge, Hearst Castle, Joshua Tree National Park, Big Sur, Redwoods, beautiful beaches, Hollywood, movie studios. 

Just look at my beloved San Diego. Sea World, Lego Land, Wild Animal Park, Hotel Del Coronado and with it one of the most beautiful beaches in the world. And of course, the Zoo. 

One summer day in August I am riding my bike along the coast and a group of top triathletes pass me including Steve Scott; then I see the hang gliders by Torrey Pines golf course right where the Chargers were holding training camp at UCSD as the Blue Angels flew above me where they were practicing for their air show at Miramar, where "Top Gun" was filmed; then I rode past the Del Mar Race Track with a race in session. 

Like Huell, I love food, but I also love a great story. Like the Cold Springs Tavern in the mountains of Santa Barbara used to be a stage coach stop. Or that one of the best places for Mexican food in San Diego, Hernandez Hideaway, used to be a speak easy during  prohibition. And that the electrical and lights of the Hotel Del Coronado were put in by Thomas Edison. "The Wizard of Oz" was written in a house right near the Del. 

Maybe that is why I am so saddened by Huell Howser passing. In Huell I saw my love of California. 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

It was so cold in Los Angeles, people were shaking like Lakers season ticket holders.

It was so cold, the Los Angeles Dodgers overpaid for a heater by $5 million.

It was so cold today teenage girls actually needed to wear Ugg boots.

It was so cold hipsters in coffee shops wore wool hats to keep their head warm.

It was so cold at Cal Tech the computer nerds were shaking like they were talking to a girl.

Complaining about the weather in Southern California is like sleeping with Megan Fox and complaining about her small thumbs.

The University of Arizona is offering a minor in hip hop. That will be great during the job interview. “I see that you minored in hip hop. So what did you major in? Unemployment?”

That is the educational equivalent of a neck tattoo.

The hip hop minor is also offered online so you can take the class in your parent’s basement where you’ll be living for the rest of your life.

Although it has been unseasonably cold here in California, you should see the local news coverage. They interrupted regularly scheduled programs to issue change-out-of-cargo-shorts-into-sweat-pants warnings.

Prostitutes in Brazil are learning English for the upcoming soccer World Cup. They are learning important phrases like “Welcome White House Secret Service,” and; “Should I put this on your tab, Mr. Charlie Sheen?” and “Welcome back President Clinton.”  

 Since you asked:

Did I ever tell you about one of my super powers? 

It is uncanny how I can come up with an obscure topic that will seriously upset and offend somebody. We’re not talking about obviously offensive topics, I mean obscure. It borders on the ESP-side of offending people.

One day, we’re having dinner with a good friend’s older brother and his girlfriend, whom I have never met before. In a lame attempt to make a clever joke I ask;

“I wonder if people with Tourette Syndrome and Dyslexia shout out Fother Mucker?”

Turns out this woman’s brother has Tourette’s and Dyslexia. Not only that, but she does charity work for both. This is the first and last time I ever said anything about Dyslexia and Tourette.

The other day I am chatting with the friendly grocery store clerk, Heather, who told me she is pregnant. While chatting about names, I commented on the recent trend of pain-in-the-ass parents who pick whacky names just to be original and then insist that the hard-to-pronounce name be pronounced correctly. 

Sure enough, the women in back of me goes off;

“Our heritage is Celtic (she pronounces it with the K, of course) and we picked Gaelic names for our children, Aoibhegréine and Uallachán (when she said them it sounded like she was clearing her throat) and anyone who mispronounces our children’s name is being rude and disrespectful to our family as well as our culture.” 

Did I mention a lot of people here in Carmel Valley are a pain-in-the-ass?