Happy V-Day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


A New York deli is offering a Bernie Madoff special. For $1000 they hand you a lot of bologna and then a rat runs off with it.

Happy 200th birthday to Abraham Lincoln. After we elected an African American President, do you know what people would say to Abraham Lincoln today? “My god, dude, you are old.”

To give you an idea how desperate restaurants are for people’s business, last night a friend of mine went into a Mexican restaurant and they gave him Guacamole for free. And let me tell you, Senorita Guacamole wasn’t all that happy about it either.

Fellas, if you can’t decide what to get your girl for Valentines Day, you just can’t go wrong with a Chia Snuggie.

Restaurants are so desperate for your money, at the French restaurant, Che Chic, the waiters are only being rude to each other.

Restaurants are so desperate for your money, at a diner in Fresno, they are advertising a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the dead rat.

Did you hear how windy it was in the Midwest? It was so windy in Illinois Rod Blagojevich was blown clear into a state of honesty.

Happy 200th birthday to Charles Darwin. Charles Darwin came up with the theory of evolution, that humans continually evolve, grow and improve right up until Paris Hilton proved him wrong.

I took a long look at the proposed stimulus bill from congress and I am a little steamed. Why do we have to pay for five of Nancy Pelosi’s face lifts?

Wild horses couldn’t drag me away, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Retire the retiring
New York Jet QB Brett Favre has retired. Again. This guy retires and goes back to work more than a $50 hooker with a sub-prime mortgage.

What's that in Cougar years?
Happy 45th birthday to Sarah Palin. They’re having a big party to play Pin-the-tail-on-the-Maverick.

Bless their hearts
The economy is so rough, in New York City, the hookers are offering a Bernard Madoff’s wife’s Ruth special. For an extra $100 they’ll let you make a hasty withdrawal.

Bernie Madoff’s wife, Ruth, withdrew $15 million right before her husband’s arrest for ripping off $50 billion. Man, they don’t call them the Made-offs for nothing.

Sounds familiar
President Barack Obama smacked his head on his helicopter entrance. It was bad, for a few minutes Obama was woozy, confused, lost, just like President Bush.

Shocking
Everyone knows about the Christian Bale tirade at a lighting guy. All celebrities are going nuts. You know Stump, the dog that won Westminster? Today he called his mother a bitch.

Whoa dude
Michael Phelps said he called his sponsor, Kellogg, to apologize about the pot picture but they wouldn’t return his call. It probably didn’t help that Phelps left the message for “That Tony the Tiger dude.”

Michael Phelps said he called his sponsor, Kellogg, to apologize about the pot picture but they wouldn’t return his call. It probably didn’t help that Phelps tried to call them on his iPod.

Not a good look
A new study reports after a woman has an orgasm she is much better at her job. And after a man has an orgasm at his job he is more likely to wake up with keyboard marks on his face.

Really? No
By now everyone knows about the “Batman” actor Christian Bale’s obscenity-laced tirade at a lighting guy. Sadly, bad behavior is nothing new for Hollywood stars. In the old days, Doris Day once savagely beat an errand boy for getting her the wrong box of Marlboros.

Cleaned off
Have you seen the swimsuit edition of “Sports Illustrated”? The cover girl is Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend, Bar Rafaeli. But don’t worry, guys, Bar’s been hosed off, sanitized and DiCaprio’d.

Entitlement
That nut who just had eight babies, Nadya Suleman? She’s single, has six other kids, no job, owes 50,000 in student loans and now she has set up a website for people to give her money to raise her 14 children. Who does she think she is, Rod Blagojevich?


Hurry up
Have you seen the swimsuit edition of “Sports Illustrated”? The cover girl is Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend, Bar Rafaeli. Rumor is DiCaprio is going to propose to Bar before Tom Brady can steal her away.

If you know what I mean . . .
Have you seen the swimsuit edition of “Sports Illustrated”? The cover girl, Bar Rafaeli, is from Israel. Sorry guys, Leo DiCaprio has already launched his rockets at her Gaza Strip.

The cover girl of the swimsuit edition of “Sports Illustrated” is Bar Rafaeli who is dating Leonardo DiCaprio. Guys, it shows the power of wealth and fame; how else can you explain how such a gorgeous creature is dating such a greasy little whimpy weasel? Not that we are bitter.

I like that guy

I like that "Sully" Sullenberger. He looks like the guy at the diner drinking coffee and solving the word Jumble puzzle.

Since you asked:
We know two things about Bar Rafaeli: that she is the hot cover girl of the “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit edition and that she is dating Leonardo DiCaprio. But on her appearance on “The Late Show with David Letterman” Bar refused to discuss DiCaprio. You know how you turn a swimsuit model from a ten to a six? Ask her a question.

Attention famous people:

If you elect to appear on a nationally televised talk show to whore and pimp your latest project, you may have to actually talk about what everyone else on the planet wants to hear you talk about.

One of the radio stations I write for had Ron Palillo in for an in-station interview. Who? Good question, I don’t think Ron Palillo knows who he is unless you refer to him as Arnold Horshack from “Welcome Back Kotter.” He was there to pimp god knows what, a CD or a play.

When the D.J. introduced him as Horshack, Palillo got upset and said he refused to talk about “Welcome Back Kotter.” In one of the greatest moments in radio history, the stunned DJ told this whack-job Palillo to get out of his studio that second. He had no interest in wasting his show’s time talking to this incredibly out-of-touch prima donna. And he kicked Horshack out.

Attention talk show hosts:

When a pseudo celebrity is famous for some scandal or relationship or event that they are upset about or want to keep private and, during the pre-show interview, they announce they don’t want to discuss the topic for which they are famous, tell them they cannot appear on your show. Period.

This will greatly cut down on what I call the Paris Hilton Effect.

By the way, I saw Ross the flaming Leno intern's clip from the Grammys and when Paris Hilton walked by, not only did she refuse to be interviewed, people yelled and screamed at her like she was actually a rock star.

To Ross and the people who yell at Paris Hilton perpetuating her belief that she has actually done something besides unknowingly make a sex tape? You are even a bigger tool than Paris is.

And that is quite a tool.

a.L.b.B. Scoop:

Joaquin Phoenix announced he is transitioning from movies to hip hop. Yo, it’s about time somebody represented the ‘Hood of Rodeo Drive, y’all. It’s hard up in the ‘Deo. Check it, sometimes those store clerks make eye contact. They need to get correct before they wreck, ahhhhhiiiight?

Here is A little Bit bad productions scoop. We have the lyrics to Joaquin’s first hip hop song:

My name is Joaquin but I don’t like walkin’

So I ride in my Hummer like I did all summer.

My beard be lookin’ scary ‘cause it’s way too hairy

I voted for Obama but I’m lookin’ like Osama

I represent my ‘hood but livin’ there is good.

Ain’t hard to be a crew that rolls from Malibu

Last name is Phoenix, I like to grab my penis

Whaaaaat?

(No, really, what? I am asking what I am saying because even I don’t even understand me)

We up and going viral up in this piece, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Some sad news. You know the winner of Best in Show at the Westminster dog show, Stump? Today Stump tested positive for performance enhancing Purina.

“He’s Just Not That Into You” is #1 at the box office. They’re already working on a sequel with Christian Bale, Alec Baldwin and Samuel L. Jackson titled; “He’s Just Not That F’ing Into You, Mother-F’er”

At the Westminster dog show, a Sussex spaniel with a look of concern named Stump won Best-in-show. Why the look of concern? Human or canine, no male wants to be named Stump.

Singer Chris Brown was charged with domestic assault on his girlfriend, singer Rihanna. Rhianna was reportedly treated for serious bite marks. Brown had no comment as he was busy working on his next single, a remake of Warren Zevon’s “Werewolves of London.”

You know who has a great job? Those guys who paint the naked “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit models. Do you think they ever have a bad day at the office? “Oh, man, that Brooklyn Decker girl had the hiccups. I had to repaint that map on her five times. I need a drink.”

In the swimsuit edition of “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker was naked except for a world map that was painted on her. And let me tell you something, Australia really is the land down under.


In the swimsuit edition of “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker was naked except for a world map that was painted on her. I’d like to see Al Gore complain about the vanishing polar caps now.

Since you asked:

What is so useful about the Christian Bale meltdown and the Chris Brown attack on Rihanna is that they come right at the same time as the calm audio of the cockpit voice of "Sully" Sullenberger landing a powerless plane on the Hudson River.

But would "Sully" ever have the audacity tell someone how they should vote and live? Never.  

Why, it gonna get all flinkle stinkle and. . . I got nothing, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

New three worst words
The only three words Hudson Hero Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger said to the cabin were “Brace for impact.” Those three words, brace for impact, are now the worst three words you can hear on a flight officially surpassing a smelly fat guy asking “That seat taken?”

Lesser crime
Singer Chris Brown was charged with domestic assault on his girlfriend, singer Rihanna. Rihanna also faces the-far-less-serious charge of being named after a sappy “Fleetwood Mac” song.

How wet was it?
It was so wet and rainy in Los Angeles Monday, the water washed all the soap out of Christian Bale’s mouth.

If only
After lying to Katie Couric about not taking steroids, Alex Rodriguez admitted he lied and took steroids. Lie after Lie. In fact, A-Rod would still be dating Madonna if only he had lied on her more.

A lot of people think the only thing steroids do is make your muscles bigger and stronger. Not true. You know the first thing steroids do? They make you lie about taking steroids.

Ouch
Christian Bale apologized for his obscenity-laced tirade against a lighting director. Actors can be emotional, Tom Cruise once wound up and slugged a director’s knee cap.

Awww, that’s nice
Congratulations to Tiger and Erin Woods, they had their second child, a boy named Charlie. He is so cute Angelina Jolie has filed to adopt him.

Yuck
What do Alex Rodriguez’s playoff performances, his testicles and tree’s leaves all have in common? They all shrivel up and drop off in the Fall.

Alex Rodriguez admitted he took steroids. And here his New York Yankee teammates thought A-Rod testicles were shrunken from dating Madonna too much.

We kid the Kirst
Happy early birthday wishes to Kirstey Alley who turns 58 on Thursday. This is a big birthday for Kirsty, it is the first time her age matches her dress size.

Angry profession
Christian Bale apologized for his obscenity-laced tirade against a lighting director. Actors can be emotional, Russell Crowe threw a phone at a hotel worker, Val Kilmer once punched an extra and the Beverly Hills Chihuahua once humped the leg of the Best Boy and the Key Grip.

My best friend he shoots water rats and feeds them to his geese, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How rainy was it?
It was raining so hard in Hollywood people agreed to work with Christian Bale just to get out of the rain.

A-Fraud
“Sports Illustrated” says Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids in 2003. Not only that, while dating Madonna, A-Rod tested positive for Malox.

Good for Midge
Tabloids report 50-year-old Madonna is dating a 22-year-old Brazilian model. It’s cute, she’s teaching him Math. Specifically how many times 22 goes into 50.

Tabloids report 50-year-old Madonna is dating a 22-year-old Brazilian model. It’s cute, she’s teaching him English. Specifically how to say; “Who’s your Daddy, bitch?”

Lighten up, guys
Due to the slow economy, sperm donations for $50 are way up. Guys, you may be donating too much sperm if you now refer to your junk as the ol’ ATM.

Good for her
A 56-year-old woman, Jennifer Figge, braved 30 foot seas and freezing temperatures to became the first woman to swim across the Atlantic Ocean. It just goes to show you, 56 is the new “Are you out of your freaking mind?”

Oui kid
A 56-year-old woman, Jennifer Figge became the first woman to swim across the Atlantic Ocean. The first male to swim the Atlantic was French, Benoit Lecompte. But the Frenchman cheated, his coach was in a boat with a megaphone telling him the German Navy was catching them.

D-U-M-B
The NBA announced they are adding the old hoops game of “H-O-R-S-E” to their All Star weekend, except instead of Horse it will be G-I-E-C-O. A publicity stunt so stupid a caveman could have done it.

And besides them
Jessica Simpson is still dating the Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo. But there are rumors of weepy emotional outbursts, poor physical shape, depression and listlessness. And besides the Cowboys, Jessica isn’t doing so hot either.

Jessica Simpson is getting a hard time because her figure appears noticeably fuller. When asked if she was more corpulent, Jessica said “No, I never joined the Army.”


I like “Sully”
Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger was on “Sixty Minutes.” I like “Sully”, he reminds me of a guy walking his two yellow labs, Skipper and Cappy.

Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger was on “Sixty Minutes.” I like “Sully”, he reminds me of a guy at a Christmas party standing by the fire drinking eggnog in his red reindeer vest.

Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger was on “Sixty Minutes.” I like “Sully”, he reminds me of a yachtsman who uses nautical terms like “I like the cut of his jib” and “Stow your diddy bag.”

Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger was on “Sixty Minutes.” I like “Sully”, he reminds me of the guy who likes to walk down to the drug store to get the paper.

Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger was on “Sixty Minutes.” I like “Sully”, he reminds me of a guy who calls kids tiger a lot.

I like “Sully”, he reminds me of a guy who still uses the term trousers for pants.

How bad is it?
The economy is so bad, Michael Phelps had to sell his Lava lamp on eBay.

Since you asked;

Saw the wildly popular Taylor Swift on the Grammys and here is my question:

Why?

Pretty girl, OK voice, plays the guitar, but can’t you throw a rock at an “American Idol” tryout and hit someone as or more talented?

Did you see the Buick Open at Torrey Pines? Down below is my surfing spot, Slats and Nugs. Oh yeah, buhhhhhhhbeeeeeee. We gonna rock that socket and put it in the pocket.

Got no idea what that means . . . .

This just in:

Rough year for Alex Rodriguez. The Yankees didn’t make the playoffs, he had a nasty divorce, he broke up with Madonna, his ex-manager called him A-Fraud in a book and now he has tested positive for steroids. If A-Rod was a jet he’d have to ditch in the Hudson River.

This just in:

One of the contenders at the Buick Open this weekend in La Jolla is Camilo Villegas, in Columbia the two LL’s are pronounced as J, so it is pronounced Vejaygus. This double L as a J pronunciation is bad news for Vellagas’s caddy, Llerkoff Vallina.

So does Vellegas pronounce La Jolla as La Hoyoja?