Patton Oswalt: Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time -- "Germany" Clip | EPIX

The Los Angeles Lakers have lost nine out of ten games; the Lakers are so cold, they’re shaking like Gov. Chris Christie listening to “A Bridge Over Troubled Water.”

At his press conference, Gov. Chris Christie said he heard of the bridge scandal after his morning workout and shower; oh goodie, now we have that image in our heads . . .

A man born with two functioning penises answered questions on Reddit; you know what his biggest problem is? He doesn't know if he is coming or going.  

As a person, as well as a human being, at this point in time, at the end of the day, it is what it is, if you know what I am saying, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A man born with two functioning penises answered questions on Reddit; it was really just versions of the one question: is having two penises awesome or really super awesome?

He answered the questions really intelligently since, because he has two penises, he has twice the brain power of most guys.

“TMZ” caught Eagle, Glenn Frey, buying porn magazines from an L.A. newsstand. Talk about your classic rock. Apparently the Hotel California does not have in-room movie service.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christy threw a press conference to announce he was going to fire his top aid for being mean and vindictive by being even meaner and more vindictive. Here I thought Chris Christie only had two chins, turns out he has two faces. 

During the press conference, Christie revealed he has a personal trainer. Officially the third worst job on the planet surpassing Donald Trump’s hairdresser but leaving Michael Moore’s proctologist and Snooki’s gynecologist as still one and two.

Since you asked:

The more I read about rock stars, the more I do not envy them. Rock stars are like women who get into prostitution because they love sex; yes, they are getting paid to do what they love, but it is a tough, messy and often demeaning job.

And, in the end, they always get screwed.

The other aspect of rock star’s lives is the incredible high and lows, as captured by one of the purported really nice guys of the rock world, Bob Seger in “Turn the Page.” One minute you’re singing to 20,000 adoring fans, the next you’re watching the news in your hotel room. And the tedium of the recording studio cannot be understated. Especially for the Rolling Stones and the Eagles who were perfectionists.

Joe Walsh observed that an album, like “Hotel California” looks so neat and linear in the end. Like it was mapped out clearly ahead-of-time, line after line. That ain’t the case. It is chaos followed by desperation magnified by conflicting personalities. These songs are coming from five different guys with talent as big as their ego. Or an ego that is way bigger than talent, in Frey’s case.

From the ether these songs come to life and they all fight for them to be on an album like a soccer parent fights to have their kid on the field. One can see how the ugliness can grow. George Harrison wrote a #1, six-time platinum album, “All Things Must Pass” out of all the songs Lennon and McCartney rejected as not Beatle-worthy.

One of the fun things to do in the kitchen/grill is to reminisce about your favorite restaurant meals and then try and re-create them.

This I accomplished Monday night.

As much as I loved living in New York, I was so excited to be back in California and in the boom town of San Diego. One of my first nights here, I went to dinner at the Fish Market in Del Mar, still one of my favorite places. It is an old school big one story house like restaurant with a nautical theme. Lots of warm wood, brass fixtures and boat pictures. They own their own fishing boats so the fish is amazingly fresh. They lightly season the fish and then grill it over oak wood.

The meal I was remembering was grilled swordfish with rice pilaf and cherry tomatoes. A classic case of: don’t show me how strong you are. 

Picked out really fresh swordfish steaks. Not cheap, but worth a splurge. Dusted them with Old Bay, sea salt and fresh pepper. Grilled them on high heat five minutes on the first side and four on the second. Turning them 90 degrees during for perfect cross marks.

Cooked the rice with chicken broth in the rice cooker, but added the broth one cup at a time. Then I just drizzled cherry tomatoes with olive oil and balsamic. Sea salt and then tarter sauce and Bob is your freaking Uncle.

Tonicht? For an appetizer, I am wrapping cantaloupe chunks in prosciutto on bamboo skewers and flash grilling them and then dressing them with arugula.

As Donald Trump, Howard Stern, Rush Limbaugh, Michael Moore, Gloria Allred and Richard Nixon all proved, there is nothing worse than a bullied child who then has acquired the power to bully back. Mean, spiteful, greedy, desperate, vindictive, angry, petty, you name it, they got it.

To that group, we can now add Chris Christie. Often these bullied bullies do become good and successful politicians or entertainers, because those nasty, ruthless traits come in handy in those professions.

But as far as I am concerned, the hard-working, hard-charging, no B.S. image Christie tried to make for himself has been erased and replaced forever by the pompous, ass-covering hypocrite we saw today at the press conference.

In short, in trying to pee on the fire, Christie pissed all over his shoes. 

500 Days Of Summer - You Make My Dreams

From the underrated "500 Days of Summer." This is the morning after their first, well, you know . . . The best part is left out. Right after this, they cut to the day she breaks up with him and he is the absolute picture of abject sorrow and depression.

Had a day like this the last day of my junior year in high school. In football, led the league in rushing as a junior, dated four beautiful girls, and was on my way to Hayward, CA as the only high school Decathlete in the country to qualify for the 19-and-under Decathlon Junior Nationals.  It was a gorgeous day, and I was practically skipping down the halls high-fiving everyone I passed. 

A year later, I had a badly torn hamstring, a girl I was dating - whom I didn't really even like all that much - I caught making out with some dorky dude in the backyard of a party.  And then she broke up with me. And no colleges were returning my calls. 

Steven Seagal Runs Like a Girl

Steven Seagal is running-like-a-girl for Governor of Arizona


This just in: Nancy Kerrigan will be a skating analyst for NBC during the Sochi Olympics; no word yet if Tonya Harding will be featured as a hard-hitting reporter. 

Train - Cab

Simon & Garfunkel - The Only Living Boy In New York

Sometimes I feel like the only living boy in New York in the only cab on the road, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is so cold in New York, for an extra $50, the hookers in Times Square are offering a written guarantee they will give you a burning sensation when you pee.

It is so cold in Washington DC, congressmen put their hands in their own pockets.

In New Hampshire, 12-year-old Maddie Gilmartin, licked a frozen flag pole and was stuck for 15 minutes. On the bright side, she was named an honorary Kardashian.

This could explain whey there has been no word on her Mensa application.

Don’t confuse the polar vortex with the bi-polar vortex; that is when it is so cold, it drives you crazy.

Boxer Evander Holyfield compared homosexuality to a disability and said it could be cured. As opposed to stupidity which is incurable.

Maybe it’s just me, but if I was a dude famous for having a body part bitten off by another dude? I would keep my thoughts on homosexuality to myself.

It is so cold, people are shaking like Evander Holyfield in a Pier One Imports.

You got to do what they done to get her did, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You can tell Green Bay fans are upset. Today the Internet was full of rumors Aaron Rodgers is a big fan of "Downton Abbey."

It is so cold, guys are dating Kardashian sisters just for the burning sensation when they pee.

Hey, we San Diegans have weather issues too; yesterday, while taking down the Christmas lights, I had to put on a sweater. Oh, who am I kidding? I didn't put the lights up this year.