Saturday, December 18, 2004

We jingled our bells a mofizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A girl can only take so much
One of the president’s daughters, Jenna Bush, has announced she is going to teach English at a Washington DC elementary school. Apparently Jenna got frustrated and of trying to teach English to her father.

Not a good idea
Michael Jackson is throwing a big Holiday party at his Neverland Ranch. Is this really a good idea right now? It might not help Michael’s court case when they find out he has hung mistletoe over the playground.

Hate to hear that
Bad news for Elton John. At the “Gay British Singers With A First Name for A Last Name” gift exchange, Elton John drew George Michael instead of Boy George.

Elton John and George Michael are feuding. It’s serious, these two Divas’ catfight makes J. Lo and Mariah Carey’s spat look like Marsha and Jan Brady.

No question
Paris Hilton is dropping her last name. You can’t really blame her. Paris hasn’t gotten to where she is because of her silly family name or that stupid and cumbersome inheritance, no, for Paris it’s always been all about the talent.

Unchecked growth
Major League baseball’s attendance grew 5% in 2004. And that’s just the growth of the fans on steroids.

We kid the Paris
With the dollar down against the Euro it is really expensive to travel to Europe. To show how expensive it is, for a single guy, it is now far cheaper to get into Paris Hilton then Paris, France.

Well, yeah, there’s that also
What is the deal with these people who over-do their Christmas lights? Personally, I am a firm believer in the less-is-more school of lights because, A, I’m a fan of understated, subtle, minimalist art and expression, and B, I’m really lazy.

I have a three-part technique to putting up Christmas lights. One, plug in the string of lights, two, throw it on the nearest bush, three, open a beer and lie down and rest.

Just my opinion
The numbers for the NBA are down across the board: attendance, product sales, T.V. ratings. Ron Artest shouldn’t be beating up fans, he should be offering to wash their cars.

A small field of contestants
The Grammys announced they are going to have a new award next year: Best singer not having a fight with Elton John.

Since you asked:

We had the A.L.B.B. office Christmas party last night, and, oh my goodness . . . There was lots of drinking, dancing, then there were dirty jokes, followed by violence, vandalism and, although I can’t confirm nor deny, strong indications and rumors of sexual activity. The worst part? It was just me.

Badabooom! Lord help me, I love that stupid joke.

P.S. Do not watch Comedy Central's "Strangers with Candy" unless you plan on getting addicted. It is sometimes too funny to watch. Jerry Blank speaking to the school in the auditorium:

"You don't know what it's like until you wake up in a bathroom covered in, what you can only hope is, your own filth . . ."


"High school is a lot like prison: they tell you what to do, when to eat, and if somebody tries to make you their b*tch, you stick 'em with a shiv in the shower."

Thursday, December 16, 2004

These just in:

No excuse for that
More and more coming in about this Bernard Keric guy who withdrew from the Homeland Security Secretary nomination: He had in illegal Nanny; two known affairs; questionable stock deals; ties to the Mafia and now, get this: Last Christmas, he re-gifted a Chia Pet.

Haven't I heard this before?
A study by the CDC reveals that married people are healthier than divorced or single people. Unless, of course, you’re married to Scott Peterson, O.J. or Robert Blake.

Rare company indeed
Paris Hilton wants to drop her last name and just go by Paris. This would include Paris in the ranks of the people who are so famous, they only need one name: Madonna, Cher, Bono, Martha, Regis, and, of course, Jared from Subway.

We is throwing down with our A-game one time today, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Wintertime in Paris
Paris Hilton wants to drop her last name so that it would just be Paris. In a wild coincidence, the city of Paris announced it wants to change its name to Skank.

Paris Hilton wants to drop her last name. She’s serious, Paris is going to drop her last name faster than if her last name was panties.

Dream on, dream on, dream until you have to go to the bathroom twenty times . . .
Actress Liv Tyler had a baby boy which makes “Aerosmith” rocker Stephan Tyler a grandfather. As a result, Tyler will change the lyrics of “Dude Looks Like a Lady” to “Dude Likes Peas with Honey.”

And “Walk This Way” will, of course, be changed to “Shuffle This Way.”

We call it something else
As you know, Scott Peterson got the death penalty. Or, as we politically correct Californians prefer to call it: the living-challenged penalty.

Not all bad news, Victor
Sprinter Marion Jones is suing BALCO owner Victor Conte for $25 million for libel. It’s not all bad news for Conte, he did win the “I Love Lucy” Mr. Mooney look-alike contest.

Despite numerous witnesses to the contrary, Marion Jones claims she’s never used performance-enhancing drugs because she has never tested positive. That’s like Jessica Simpson claiming she’s not stupid because she’s never flunked an I.Q. test.

What’s that old expression? If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, it’s a duck? Well, Marion Jones is a duck on steroids.

Don't let that Son-of-a-bitch go down on me . . . sorry
The good news for Elton John is that his spat with George Michael gave him an idea for a new song: “The Bitches are back.”

Elton John and George Michael are feuding again. It’s their old argument: who’s the best gay singer with two first names?

AARP discounts available at the ticket booth
Harrison Ford is set to star in the fourth “Indiana Jones” movie. I think this one is called; “Indiana Jones, I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up.”

Jump back, kiss myself, hah . . . oh, that's not right
James Brown underwent successful surgery to treat his recently-diagnosed prostate cancer. Brown is doing fine and there is NO truth to the rumor the singer underwent a colostomy procedure, so, in other words, Papa does not need a brand new bag.

It may just be me
Many experts question if Barry Bonds was telling the truth when he said he didn’t know he was using steroids. Personally, I honestly believe Bonds. But this is coming from a guy who also honestly believed until last year that Santa Claus and the Tooth Ferry were related.

What about the French judge?
#1 USC is preparing for #2 Oklahoma in the Orange Bowl. Have you seen a replay of the touchdown USC’s Reggie Bush scored against UCLA? He did a flying sommersault into the end zone. It marked the first time anyone has scored six points AND a nine from the Russian judge.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

I ain’t hearin’ any of that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Rancher

We kid the president
President Bush underwent his annual physical the other day and doctors say he is in excellent health. In fact, the doctor said the 58-year-old Bush had the body of a 30-year-old. The bad news? Bush has the brain of an 11-year-old.

The drug company Pfizer announced they are combining drugs with Lipitor. They should combine the anti-allergy drug Allegra with Viagra. That would give you an erection that’s nothing to sneeze at.

Did you know that the Army gives female enlistees free breast implants? In a related story, actress Lindsay Lohan was just promoted to Brigadier General.

This brings a whole new meaning to soldier's standing at attention.

Test results indicate that our 15-year olds did worse at math than the 15-year-olds in 20 other countries. When asked to comment, one of our 15-year-olds said; “Twenty other countries? Big deal, that’s only like a dozen.”

The re-gift that keeps on giving
Want an inexpensive gift idea for Christmas? Go to the back of the refrigerator, dig out Aunt Betty’s fruitcake from last year with the mold all over it, and give it as a Chia Pet.

What’s love got to do with it?
Former tennis player Anna Kournikova married Enrique Iglesias. Insiders say for Anna it is nothing but love, love, love. Just like her old tennis scores.

Now that’s a news story
A man in Florida was arrested for animal cruelty for biting his dog. That’s not the worst part. When the police game to arrest the guy, he humped their legs.

No, uh, sir, that’s, um, it doesn’t mean . . . never mind
A survey in Ottawa said President Bush’s visit did not improve the popularity of Canada’s southern neighbor, the contiguous United States. To which President Bush replied, “Hey, just ‘cause we don’t have enough flu vaccine, that doesn’t mean we’re sick, let alone contiguous.”

Since you asked:

Got a brand new pet peeve, Slats and Nugs. In addition to long-slow-diagonal-parking-lot-walkers, we can now add hello-non-responders.

Not to brag, but I’ve been around. As my departed and beloved Yazoo, Mississippi raised Grandmother Rodgers used to say about me, “He’s been to places and ‘et in hotels.” New York, Louisville, Santa Barbara, Chicago, Los Angeles, I’ve lived, not just visited, but lived in each. Never did I witness anything like a phenomenon that occurs right here in Del Mar and Carmel Valley: People who do not respond when said hello to.

Even in New York City, if you said hello to someone, after recovering from the shock, they would blurt out a hello, even if it was followed by a “and go screw yourself.” At least it would be a response. Around the eastern Del Mar area and in Del Mar proper, you can say hello to ten people and not get one returned hello.

Don’t get me wrong, saying hello can be annoying at times. When I worked with a brokerage firm in downtown San Diego, in a meeting I actually proposed that you only have to say hello to a person once a day and not each of the thirty times you pass them in the hall. But you have to, at least, give and get that first hello.

If neither party gives a hello, that’s fine. No hello is required and perfectly natural. Sometimes you can size up that a person is not hello worthy and there is no harm done. (See: anyone in a USC or Oakland Raiders jacket) But when a hello is launched, even if the deliverer is assessed to be sketchy at best, a hello must be returned.

We, my wife and I, belong to a local gym that is fancy by gym standards. It tries to pass itself off as a spa and country club, but it is really just a fancy gym. You would think that our fellow members would feel enough of a bond or camaraderie to return another member’s friendly hello. Not a chance. Not only won’t they say hello, they will close a door right on you after not returning said hello. (My personal favorite member is an amazingly fit and much-augmented trophy wife who, while on the stairmaster, constantly yammers on her cell phone – right under the "No-cell phones" sign – and then she drives off in her massive Hummer that she parks in the handicapped stall)

So, for fun, I now play a game with these hilariously arrogant members of the Pacific Athletic Club. When I say hello, and they just return a confused, blank stare, do I let it go at that? Oh, hell no. Now, after a blatant snub, I’ll say after them; “Well, it’s been good talking to you.” So they give me dirty looks and think I’m crazy, who cares? They’re snots anyway. There is no excuse for being snotty. None.

I’ve known some amazingly gifted and successful people who didn’t have a snotty bone in their body. Unfortunately, on the other hand, I’ve also known some truly, shall we say, underachieving and stupendously unimpressive folks who were amazingly snotty. But enough about my old French neighbors . . .

What is the non-hello deal? Is it a leftover “don’t talk to strangers” thing from childhood? Is it too much effort to say hello? Could they possibly be that lazy? Maybe it’s my being from the Midwest and they’re too-cool-for-school Californians?

As a friend said after I told them about this new non-hello-responder pet peeve; "Did you ever think that maybe it's just you?"( Well, now ex-friend) And he may be right. Truth be told, I am somewhat of an intimidating, masculine and burly type. As one girl recently described me, I am kind of on the Russell Crowe-ish side. (I don't have a picture on this blog, do I? No?OK, good. Whew) Yes, I'm definately a Russell Crowe-type, so maybe they're just scared. Yeah, that's it, that's the ticket.

Who was it that said that you can judge a person by how well they treat those who cannot directly benefit them? If there is any truth to that at all, these hello-non-responders are in for one long and arduous afterlife.

Where’s Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David's opinion when you need it? On second thought, as funny as they are, I would bet anything Seinfeld and David are hello-non-responders.

Raise the roof and grind it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Nick of time
In a world-class public urinating contest even for Kobe Bryant, Kobe has now accused Karl Malone of making a pass at his wife, Venessa. Kobe found out about Karl Malone’s play for his wife just in time: Venessa was just waiting for the appraisal on Karl’s diamond ring to come in.

Shaq, Phil Jackson, Karl Malone and even his own parents, Kobe can’t get along with anyone. It turns out Kobe is a Japanese word that, roughly translated, means Barry Bonds.

A bad year
The jury cited lack of emotion as a main reason for choosing the death penalty for Scott Peterson. If lack of emotion is a reason for getting the death penalty, John Kerry is in serious trouble.

Now, I don't want to pick on John Kerry, but, in retrospect, he is the first snowboarder to be stiffer then his snowboard.

Besides him
At Michael Jackson’s ranch, police discovered porn in a briefcase. Who puts their porn in a brief case? Well, besides Bill O’Reilly.

Good move
President Bush nominee for homeland security secretary, Bernard Kerik, had many skeletons in his closet besides an illegal Nanny: questionable stock deals, mob connections, two girlfriends. Now Bush is going to nominate somebody with a cleaner record: Tony Soprano.

Uh, sir . . .
It was embarrassing when President Bush nominated former E.P.A. chief Michael Leavitt, as secretary of health and human services. Bush said that Leavitt’s experience with E.P.A. would be helpful as those E.P.A. tests are important in for couples that want to find out if they’re pregnant.

Not a bad decision
Now that the Los Angeles Lakers seem to be faltering, owner Dr. Jerry Buss has come under criticism for choosing to side with team-chemistry-cancer Kobe Bryant at the exclusion of everyone else. Personally I don’t think it was that bad of a p.r. move. It could have been worse, Buss could have gone with Scott Peterson.

Hang on. What? I’m being told I am being wildly unfair to compare Kobe Bryant to Scott Peterson and that I should apologize immediately. They’re right. When push came to shove, Scott Peterson could find people to testify on his behalf.

Oh, snap, no you di' . . .'nt.

Monday, December 13, 2004

This just in: Scott Peterson got the death penalty. Right now former “Baretta” star Robert Blake has to be nervous. Incidentally, “Baretta” roughly translated in Spanish means: You’re so screwed.

That ain’t even anywhere near right, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now that’s just mean

Did you see the pictures of poisoned Ukrainian candidate Viktor Yushchenko? Apparently dioxin is so powerful, it can turn you into Marge Schott.

Say ahhh
President Bush passed his physical last week. It was kind of embarrassing. When asked if he had a rectal exam, Bush said; “Yes, and my eyes are just fine, thank you.”

When asked if he had a prostate exam, Bush replied, “I wasn’t lying prostate, I was standing strait up.”

President Bush passed his physical with flying colors. Dick Cheney passed his physical with a flying color. Unfortunately, that flying color was a code blue.

Don we now our gay apparel
Man, I tell you, putting up Christmas lights is a pain. You need to be good with tools, you have to work with electricity. It’s enough to make you wish you were Dick Cheney’s daughter.

Tiger’s goat
Tiger sprouted whiskers. Did you check out the goatee Tiger Woods was sporting during his World Challenge tournament? To be candid, Tiger’s goatee isn’t the best goatee I’ve ever seen. My neighbor’s kid has a better beard. And she’s only ten.

And some body wash . . .
Anna Benson, a former stripper who is married to New York Met pitcher Kris Benson, said that if he ever cheated on her, she would do the same with everyone in the Met organization. Well, except for Mike Piazza. She would offer him tickets to the Broadway musical “Mamma Mia.”

Not quite a strike
You know those Eight of Saddam Hussein's jailed deputies, who refused to eat breakfast as part of what one of their lawyers described as a "hunger strike"? Well, they’re eating again. Michael Moore has gone on longer diets than that.

I’m not really sure that counts as a hunger strike. Even Kirstie Alley missed breakfast now and again.

Sorry, but just because you didn’t eat all of your Captain Crunch, that doesn’t qualify as a hunger strike.

A close fit
The surprise-hit movie “Sideways” led all films with seven Golden Globe nominations. In case you don’t know, “Sideways” is about a winery road-trip, “Sideways” is not, repeat, not a republican documentary on how Michael Moore squeezed into the voting booth.