Thursday, February 15, 2007

It is hard out here

It up and did what it did when it did it to it and did it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This a rough time for sports fans in the United States. Football is done, baseball hasn’t started, even the players don’t yet care about the NBA until the playoffs and college basketball’s March Madness is over a month away. To give you an idea how bad it is now, one desperate US sports fan actually watched a soccer game.

After former NBA player John Amaechi revealed he is gay, former NBA player Tim Hardaway told a sports radio show that he hates gays. Hardaway was then confronted by a gang of angry gay men who informed him he could take their assault the easy way or the Hardaway.

Honestly, would somebody bury James Brown and Anna Nicole Smith? Please? Bueller?

Did you know that they still haven’t buried James Brown? The man died on Christmas day. This breaks the record for a cadaver not being buried set by the Chicago Cubs.

Since you asked:
This Anna Nicole Smith story is so over but the press won’t stop hammering it. As over-exposed, under-talented women go, Anna Nicole was just a sad train wreck. Britney Spears is just a tacky little idiot and Lindsay Lohan, who actually has talent, is a messed-up prima donna.

But Paris Hilton is sinisterly evil. Honestly, she has wealth, she has, despite no skills, notoriety, so why won’t she go away?

Remember the ghost of Christmas present? He unveiled his cloak to reveal two gaunt woodland creature-like children at his feet, the boy representing ignorance and the girl want?

I think the girl is Paris Hilton.

Made my version of the awesome Sam the cooking guy’s shrimp tacos.

Easy. Festive. Tastier than a mofizzy. So Lex like.

Slice some red cabbage real thin, put it in a bowl.

Mix sour cream with fresh lime juice and some diced chilis and put that in a bowl.

Put some grated Monterey Jack cheese in a bowl.

Peel and de-vein your newly thawed frozen uncooked shrimp and heavily dust with Old Bay seasoning chop into smaller pieces and sauté in a pan with olive oil over medium heat.

Place small corn tortillas on your handy stove top grill.

When the shrimps are done, put them in bowl.

Put the grilled corn tortillas on a plate with tin foil covering them to keep them warm put them far right on the counter.

To the left of the tortillas place the sour cream mixture bowl.

Next to the sour cream goes the shredded red cabbage.

Next comes the shrimp bowl.

Next comes the bowl of shredded Monterey cheese

You and your lovely guests just grab a tortilla and traipse down that line, Buster. Combine that on a plate with my grilled corn salsa with blue corn chips and badaboom, badabing, badabeep, you got yourself a perfect snappy little meal to watch those athlete persons play that sports thingie.

Oh rah.

Now even I am starting to wonder about myself.

As I was explaining how to go down the line and make the shrimp tacos, I actually gave myself a slight case of jazz hands acting it out.

Anyone have the number of that ungay-making camp Rev. Teddy went to?

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

It is hard out here

Don’t you know this how it gonna go, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Welcome to the Hotel Crazy Astronaut
At the Grammys the country band Rascal Flats did a great tribute to the Eagles but I don’t think they should have tried to modernize “Hotel California” when they sang;

On a dark desert highway,
cool wind in my hair,
warm smell of my diaper
rising up through the air.

Uh, no sir, that’s not, oh forget it
Barack Obama announced his presidential candidacy and said that name recognition would be his biggest hurdle. When asked to comment, President Bush said; “I am sure everyone knows the name of Barracks Barometer.”

Poughkeepsie, you’re on the air
Of all the aspects of the crazy killer astronaut Lisa Nowak the most talked about by far is that she drove 16-hours in a diaper to attack her romance rival. 16 hours in a diaper, that breaks the old record set by Larry King at a telethon.

Uh, no sir, that’s not, oh forget it 2
President Bush announced he is going on a tour of Latin America. It was a little embarrassing when Bush added; “Before I leave for Latin America I need to brush up on my Latin. Or I should say ushbray upray on my atinlay?”

Getting up there
It was a big night for lead singer Sting. Not only did the Police reunite and perform at the Grammys but Sting won the Billy Idol look-alike contest.

At their reunion for the Grammys you could tell the Police are getting older. Now instead of singing “Every step you take” they sing “Every shuffle you take.”

No wonder drug
The FDA has approved a new diet pill that only claims to work if it is used in combination with eating less and exercising. Well, no kidding. That’s like producing an erectile dysfunction pill that only works if you’re in bed with Carmen Electra.

How cold is it?
It has been cold across the country. To give you an idea, it has been so cold that Ted Williams frozen body asked for an extra blanket.

Suddenly there is such a thing as bad publicity
With the untimely death of their spokesperson, Anna Nicole Smith, you have to ask yourself is there any company that could be getting worse publicity in the news now than TrimSpa? Depends.

Man, not so slow a news day
What a wild week this was. At the start of the month who would have guessed that an Evangelist turned gay to straight and a murderous woman astronaut in a diaper would not be the lead stories.

Just imagine.
The reporting of Anna Nicole Smith’s untimely demise was on 24-hours-a-day on all the cable news stations. Imagine how big it would have been if Anna had been wearing a diaper?

In a sleazy tell-all book, Anna Nicole’s half sister claims Anna’s long-dead 90-year-husband J. Howard Marshall is the father of Anna’s baby. She claims Anna froze Marshall’s sperm as a trump card to win his estate. Ah, there’s nothing quite like your own family now is there?

Who knew?
The reports are that, prior to her death, Anna Nicole Smith was suicidal. Yeah, it seems Anna was distraught about losing her lover, Ryan O’Neal, to a crazy diaper-wearing woman astronaut who was married to an Evangelist who just got cured from being gay.

Ike Turner won a Grammy for his album “Risin’ with the Blues.” Ike Turner hasn’t had a really big hit since, well, since Tina Turner failed to duck.

So mean
A British tabloid claims that Prince Charles has ordered Camilla Parker Bowles to have $100,000 worth of cosmetic surgery performed or he would leave her. Do you know what you call $100,000 of cosmetic surgery for Camilla Parker Bowles? A good start.

A British tabloid claims that Prince Charles has ordered Camilla Parker Bowles to have $100,000 worth of cosmetic surgery performed or he would leave her. $100,000? Are they charging that much for penis reduction surgery these days?

Since you asked:
If this is too cute or too parent-bragging, I am sorry. But here, word for word, is an essay my eight-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline, wrote for school titled:

If I Could Go to the Moon?!

“If I could go to the moon I would be excited but a little scared because what if I could get stuck there? If I could bring someone it would be my pets, friends and Neil Armstrong.

“I would get my space suit on my mask and everything you need. I would say bye to my friends and family. I would be jumping up and down when I would get to space and be floating. I would be in the program when Emeril cooks for you. (We watched Emeril make meals for NASA on “Emeril Live”)

“Also I would remember not to look at the Sun. It would be very amazing. I would go on the moon and find rocks and give it to my friends. I would give my Mom and Dad a big hug when I get back.

“That’s what I would do if I could go to the moon.”

Ann Caroline Kaseberg

Glad she didn’t mention anything about a diaper.

Since you asked, too.

Now I hear you folks out there. I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, Lex, we know you don’t like to alienate any one side and that you are actually an Independent, but, please, with your shrewd political insight, tell us who you like so far in terms of all the candidates?

All I do know is that I hate Hillary. This is not a political issue, this is a personality issue.

What kind of person is Hillary? She is the kind of person who, when asked why she is so ambitious and power hungry, gets defensive, testy and snaps;

“I guess I could have been one of those stupid little housewives who bake cookies all day.”

The next day when millions of furious soccer Moms called for her head, Hillary shows up at a press conference with – wait for it, wait for it – a plate of fresh baked cookies.

Oh, I see. We, all of us out here, meaning you and me, are so stupid and Hillary is so smart, that this plate of cookies makes us forget the asinine bitchy put-down she just made.

Because I am a long time Chicago Cubs fan, I have had to put up with the annoying fact that Hillary Clinton was advised once, as she also grew up in the Chicago suburbs, it would be a great image boost for her to align herself with the Cubs. I’m sure Hillary thinks it makes her look like all Cubs fans: down-to-earth, loyal, dedicated, self-deprecating and optimistic.

So, during the Clinton years, you couldn’t turn on a damn Cubs game without Hillary popping her big round annoying face on TV announcing how much she loves the Cubs. She threw out a pitch. She sang “Take me out to the Ballgame” She sat in the WGN booth forever.

So what happens the instant Hillary runs for Senate in New York and she is asked about the New York Mets? Hillary says;

“Oh, I am a huge Mets fan.”

To Cubs fans, this is like somebody saying;

“I support our troops but I also support al Qaeda.”

It is beyond treachery. It offers a frightening glimpse into exactly how duplicitous, how evil, how sinister, how corrupt, how back-stabbing, how untrustworthy Hillary is. And there is no room in politics for all of that because we already have all of that with Jesse Jackson.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

It is hard out here

I started out as a child, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Doctors in England report that a female patient has over 250 orgasms a day. She also has the highest electric bill ever recorded.

The report from the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas is that, due to all the free porn on the Internet, the porn industry is undergoing a severe slump. Some porn companies are barely making it hand to mouth.

Comedian Sacha Baron Cohen has signed on to make “Borat 2.” As a result, the number 2 is suing Cohen saying it was too drunk and didn’t understand when it signed the release.

It is hard out here

Since You Asked Comedy Retrospective:

An interesting article in “Newsweek” “The Boomer Files: The Way We laughed” by David Noonan examines the impact of comedy on baby boomers and the resultant change on our culture.

This author gave much of the credit to “Mad” magazine and it does deserve a lot of credit for establishing a baby boomer base of anti-establishment irreverence. When I grew up, comedy was in the form of corny Catskills guys in suits, i.e. Henny Youngmen, giving dated one- liners to rim shots in smoky clubs.

When we watched “The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson” we were fed a steady diet of Catskills comedians but they weren’t ours. It was like that whacky neighbor with the sideburns who worked for the ad agency who came to your parent’s cocktail party who could imitate Johnny Carson the best.

Lenny Bruce was the first stand up cutting edge pioneer but I was too young and I missed him.

As the Sixties grew to define us, comedy had to change. Suddenly there was “Laugh In” which was hipper and cooler than Johnny Carson, but you could tell it was still a Nehru-jacket-and -beads-wearing, pipe smoking network executive’s idea of “what the kids want today.”

As the Vietnam-era country was dividing us between hip and not hip, you could see the divide in comedy illustrated by the change in direction of George Carlin. Carlin started out as a Catskills like cornball and saw that he was losing the next audience, so he grew his hair and suddenly he was cool again. The same thing with Richard Pryor.

We loved the old black and white films of “The Three Stooges” and their more intellectual cousins “The Marx Brothers” but, again, they weren’t ours. Nobody even had a bottle that shot seltzer water anymore. We laughed as much at the delivery of the ice blocks as we did the bits. We knew that the Marx Brothers were way more clever than the Stooges, but we found ourselves laughing more at the Stooges. Well, guys did, anyway.

For me the big change was Bill Cosby. (Of course I am referencing the pre-preachy ugly-sweater Cosby) Here was the opposite of Henny Youngman in every way. Cosby was younger, black, cool, he didn’t tell jokes, he told stories using weird voices and hilarious facial expressions. More importantly, Cos was mine, he didn’t belong to our parents generation.

The first three records I ever bought weren’t the Beatles or the Stones, they were Bill Cosby’s “I Started Out As a Child” “Why Is There Air?” “Wonderfulness” and “To My Brother Russell Whom I Slept With.” OK, the first four.

Cosby did an entire album on sports that, for some reason, I can’t find in his biographies, that I could recite from beginning to end. His stories about playing football for Temple against the evil Hofstra and his high jump and mile relay stories still stick out.

This may be sad, but I can still recite those bits word for word. Like when he was high jumping and the bar got so high he finally had to take his sweat pants off and reveal his skinny calves. The calves that he would try to build up with extra sweat socks. He could hear the crowd say to themselves in a hilariously sympathetic and kind voice the second he whipped off his sweats;

“Ohhhhhh. Look at those poor calves. Why he must have had some sort of disease when he was a child. Well, it is just marvelous that he can jump so high with those things. Look at how his thighs just swell out and then (raspberry sound) nothing.”

Our seventh grade Creative Arts class teacher, the very cool and pretty Miss Instant-wood-causing-amazing-legs was flabbergasted that I could stand there on stage and not only recite entire six minute bits word-for-word, but using all the Coz inflections and sounds.

Not only was being a Cosby fan fun to do alone, it marked you as cool with your classmates who also “got” Cosby. You could see they were just a little hipper and funnier than the other kids. Howie Detmer, Duncan Judson and Steve Lewis – three of the cooler kids – and I would take turns reciting our favorite bits on the playground and after school. To be candid, I did the best Cosby voice. But Howie’s was a close second:

"When I grew up, I thought my name was Jesus Christ and my brother Russell was Dammit. My Dad would yell; "Dammit, I'm talking to you. Jesus Christ, you get over here."

"No, Dad, I'm Jesus Christ, he's Dammit."

It is amazing, in retrospect, given the horrible civil rights history at the time, that all of these apple-cheeked white kids in the leafy suburbs of Chicago were sitting around the stereo - as it was called - clinging to every word from a black man brought up in abject povery in the Philadelphia projects.

Talk about a cross-over artist.

A huge influence as we got a little older and the times continued to get a little more depressing as we entered the Seventies was “Monty Python’s Flying Circus.” Nobody knew what to make of this at first. The kids who first claimed to like “Monty” were lying just to sound cool.

Monty Python was just so, so, foreign it made us feel cool for some reason. We didn’t get 80% of the references, but we just knew it was funny. Now this, was ours. They were our comedy Beatles. And it could not have been more different than anything else we had seen. It made “Laugh In” look like “The Jack Benny Show.”

Woody Allen fits in here somewhere because, when he was funny, he was a genius. But Allen’s overly-studied rumpled corduroy intellectual Manhattan artsy analysis-hooked elitism caught up to him and disconnected him with normal folks. Plus Woody would always assign a-way-too-hot starlet as his lover in films who would, in real life, never have anything to do with him.

You know what was important to me at this time? Cartoons. Political cartoons and the cartoons in the “New Yorker” and later "Doonesbury" represented what was going on at the time better than anything else.

About this time sardonic irony took the form of David Letterman. To this day, I can still remember one of his classic jokes when he first started out on “The Johnny Carson Show.”

Dripping sarcasm and in a faux fake TV cornball enthusiasm, Letterman did a take off on a Wesson Oil commercial at the time and he would beam:

“So, what’s our little skeptic up to now?” “She’s frying the cat in Wesson oil. It all comes back except one tablespoon.”

You had to be there, but it was so different and so funny. The best part about that humor was that our parents didn’t get it. Anything our parents didn’t get had to be cool.

Of course, after this there was a steady diet of truly great – especially compared to now – stand up comedians, Steve Martin, Jay Leno and of course, Robin Williams. These comedians were so good and came up so fast in the new Kooky Komedy Klub Kraze that they were their own worst enemies.

They had very short shelf lives.

“Oh, you still like Steve Martin? Man, you are out of it. This Robin Williams guy is now the funniest.”

This led into “Saturday Night Live” Finally, a TV show that was cool and wasn’t as foreign as “Monty Python.” We loved this show more than it actually deserved. Some of those sketches that are now considered legendary were really just OK. And a lot of them sucked. In retrospect it was a miracle they were even any good at all considering how much blow there were doing.

And then along came Richard Pryor.

Steve Martin was a social phenomenon. You had to know his bits in college or you were not cool. But Richard Pryor was the very first true comedy rock star. His “Live on the Sunset Strip” is the highest the bar has ever been set.

Now we have a lot of comedians who are so busy being hip and cool, they don’t really care about being funny. In fact, it’s almost like they think being funny is beneath them. It is more important to be politically trendy (Cough, cough, Jeanine Garafulo, cough, Patton Oswalt, cough)

The only reason to be a stand up comedian now is to land a sitcom. The joke at the LA comedy stores is that it is easier to get a sitcom than it is to get a laugh from the too-school-for-cool LA crowd.

“Seinfeld” of course was great, yadda yadda yadda.

And the sitcoms now seem prefabricated, formulated and rushed. “Joey” for the love of god? Who ever thought that would be funny?

Talent, I am happy to say, in TV comedy is making a big comeback. Tina Fey is awesome as the writer and performer on “30 Rock.” What can you say about Ricky Gervais but that he is hilarious in “Extras”? And “Extras” is just an English “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” "Two and a Half Men" is hysterical. Especially the liner notes on the producer Chuck Lorre's Vanity Card.

It kills me how, since I write freelance jokes for Jay Leno, a guy flat out told me he didn't think Jay Leno is funny. Really? Leno has the biggest audience on late night, he earns over $30 million a year that he doesn’t have to spend a dime of, but this clown, in all of his comedy wisdom, has decided Leno isn’t funny?

Maybe not to some humorless guy he isn't, but, not to log roll, Leno is very funny.

Conan O’Brien is also very good. Letterman is still great. Jon Stewart is great. Dennis Miller is great. Bill Maher is funny but I can’t get past all the stories about what a putz he is.

Irony? Ultra hipness? Political cutting edge? Hyper energy? (See: Cook, Dane) These are all temporary trends that will eventually lead back to the most important thing that has always been the most important thing:

A well thought out, well written and well performed joke.

But what do I know? As I have said repeatedly, quoting ready steady Teddy R, it is not the critic who counts.

Any thoughts, let me know:

Monday, February 12, 2007

It is hard out here

Throw down the hoe down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not again
Two American astronauts set a record third space walk in nine days at the International Space Station; there say they were out making repairs but the truth is they really wanted to get away from a crazy woman astronaut who was stalking them.

Not since then
Ryan O’Neal claims he only shot at his son, Griffin, because he was being attacked by Griffin with a fireplace poker. It was the first time somebody has been attacked by a poker since Paris Hilton slapped Lindsay Lohan.  

That makes sense
The court martial of a U.S. Army officer, Ehren Watada, who refused to fight in Iraq and publicly criticized the war, could end in a mistrial. In which case Watada would be released and then extradited to become an honorary French citizen.

Oh no I di . . .ent
Former NBA center John Amaechi is going to announce he is gay, the first NBA player to do so. As opposed to the New York Knicks, who are not gay, but they do suck.

You punks make me sick
64-year-old Harrison Ford is set to star in the fourth Indiana Jones movie. You can tell Indiana Jones is a little older. This one is “Indiana Jones and the Canister of Metamucil.”

After Ryan O’Neal was arrested for shooting at his son, Griffin, it is now revealed that Griffin and Ryan O’Neal have been embroiled in a long ugly feud. How ugly? They are bringing in Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump to mediate.

A NASA astronaut, Lisa Nowak, is in jail for attempted murder and she wore an adult diaper so she wouldn’t have to stop on a 900-mile drive to get to her victim. One small step for man, one giant leap for incontinence

Safety first and apparently, last
A New York State Senator proposed that it should be illegal to cross a street listening to an iPod, a cell phone, or a Blackberry. Studies show it increases your chances of being hit by a driver who is being distracted while on their laptop, listening to their GPS device and watching a DVD.

About time
Researchers at the University of California say that a chemical in male sweat sexually arouses females. Finally, some good news for Chicago Bear quarterback Rex Grossman.

A warning sign
A NASA astronaut, Lisa Nowak, is in jail for attempted murder and she wore an adult diaper so she wouldn’t have to stop on a 900-mile drive to get to her victim. It turns out there were signs that something was wrong. Like that limerick she sent to that astronaut pilot she likes:

Roses are red
Outer space is blue
I’m schizophrenic and so am I.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

It is hard out here

That how we do up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How cold was it?
It was so cold in New York, during Fashion Week, they had to rub two Super Models together to start a fire.

It is so cold back east that Bill Clinton cuddled with Hillary Clinton just for her hot flashes. Wait, this just in, the writer who wrote that joke is now entering comedy rehab.

How does that work?
After weeks of therapy, Evangelical leader, Ted Haggerd now says he is completely heterosexual, despite a long-term gay affair with a male prostitute. How do you suddenly go from gay to straight? Do you just wake up and suddenly you don’t know what clothes go with what?  

Cereal fans
On “The Ellen DeGeneris Show” singer Christine Aguilera said she and her husband spend Sundays totally naked, they even cook naked. So, clearly, they don’t eat bacon and eggs on Sundays.

What are the odds?
The Snickers Super Bowl commercial where two car mechanics eating the same Snickers bar accidentally kiss and then get upset and pull out tufts of chest hair, has been pulled because it offends gay-rights groups. Really? When was the last time two gay guys worked on a car?

Did you hear the latest? Actor Ryan O’Neal shot at a crazy diaper-wearing female astronaut because he was jealous that she was sleeping with the newly straight Rev. Ted Haggard.  

After weeks of therapy after resigning due to a long-term affair with a male prostitute, Evangelical leader, Ted Haggerd, now says he is completely heterosexual. I’m not so sure, Haggard went on to say he is not just straight, he is so straight it’s fierce.

Since you asked, just like Anna Nicole Smith version:

Anna Nicole Smith’s early death reminds me of a woman whom I have mentioned before in here, but she is so fascinating it is worth repeating.

Like Anna Nicole Smith, this woman was attractive - in a similar porn star way - and grew up in close-to-total-white trash poverty but with wealth a mere close drive away.

She began the obsessed lifelong pursuit of wealth and fame by utilizing the only real tool she had: better-than-average looks. No, to her credit, she didn’t become a stripper, like Anna Nicole, but she leveraged boyfriends one after another until she got what she wanted at that time: a new car, clothes, a house, higher social status, and, sadly, a child in a loveless marriage.

This pattern was the one constant in her life at the expense of everything else including friends and family. Like Anna Nicole Smith, if you could not provide her with either material gifts or increased fame and status, she simply did not want anything to do with you. Once a person’s usefulness for getting her something was over, it was as if that person was dead to her.

The sad ironic side effect of this ruthless approach is that it results in their inevitably being friendless and surrounded by blood-sucking leeches. (See: Howard K. Stern)

Where this unquenchable thirst for fame and wealth came from only they know, maybe it was growing up poor while watching “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous”; but what I do know is that the crazed pursuit of sleeping with men in exchange for wealth and fame never came close to achieving the only two things that really matter: love and happiness.  

As a man, it is with no pride that I confess that, yes, men will, if given half a chance, happily sleep with an attractive woman if he has what she wants. What these women don’t seem to know is that, one split second after the sex is over, those men look at those women with utter and total contempt. Is that a double standard? You bet. Is it hypocritical? Yes. Is it the truth? Sorry to say, but yes. If more women who slept around to get material things knew this, maybe they wouldn’t.    

(Unlike Anna Nicole Smith, the woman I knew, I guess to her credit, was too vein and self-absorbed to become self-destructive, so she probably will not kill herself with booze and drugs. She might kill herself with plastic surgery, but not booze and drugs. Also to her credit, the woman I knew was smarter and classier than Anna Nicole Smith which is like saying Vanilla Ice is smarter and classier than Kevin Federline)

Don’t get me wrong, I am not condemning wealth and or fame. If you have them, more power to you. What did Mark Twain say? “I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Rich is better.” Believe me, if I win the big lottery, I am not giving it all away. Big ol’ cherry wood yacht to Aruba here I come. And if fame comes along with that, hi there, TMZ, this is my good side. Sure I’ll sign that.  

There are two comments about wealth and fame that I love. One was by Microsoft founder Paul Allen and one was by comedian/actor Eddie Murphy. Paul Allen admitted he obsessed about one object growing up: a red Ferrari. As a kid growing up in a not-so-rich family with a beat up rusty car, that red Ferrari represented all the wonders rolled into one that wealth could obtain.

So, once he was a billionaire, Paul Allen bought a shiny, expensive red Ferrari. And it was wonderful. Until one day he left the lights on. The next day this lifelong earthly symbol of the spoils and treasure of wealth had turned into a 3,000 pound hunk of immobile, useless metal.

Eddie Murphy observed that, one day when he was living in his huge mansion he woke up in a foul mood. He woke up in a foul mood that became worse when he grew furious at how unfair it was that being rich and famous did not prevent him from waking up in a bad mood.

But what is sad is when the pursuit of wealth and fame takes priority over everything. So much real life is lost along the way and the real tragedy is that women like Anna Nicole Smith and the woman I knew, never felt satisfied. Not even close. They always lusted after more. There will never be enough wealth and fame to make women like these two happy. Ever. So they are destined to live sad unhappy lives of frustration.

Well, one is, anyway.

But you can’t feel sorry for either’s misery because that was their choice. Not only was it their choice to pursue wealth and fame at any price, in so choosing they caused other people great pain in the wake of their destructive, vapid and selfish paths. Especially their children.

If either of these two had grown up being around the rich and or famous, they may have learned pretty quickly that neither wealth nor fame, especially fame, is a cure-all for all life’s problems. But if you don’t grow up anywhere near wealth and fame, but you see it everyday on TV, you could grow to become obsessed, as they did, and to see wealth and fame as the answer to all of your problems.

How did that work out for Anna Nicole Smith?

The saddest part about Anna Nicole Smith? Just as Anna Nicole Smith dreamed of becoming Marilyn Monroe – arguably the most unhappy person in the world before Anna Nicole Smith – somewhere in a poor section of the United States, there is a beautiful young girl who is dreaming of becoming the next Anna Nicole Smith.

And then she will inherit the title of the world’s most unhappy person until she dies young.

It is hard out here

Hope this will help fill your sports void this weekend, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Former NBA player John Amaechi declared he is gay in his autobiography; there are more anonymously gay NBA players. Like the guy who demanded a trade to the Los Angeles Lakers because he loved their contrasting sunshine chartreuse and Tinky Winky purple uniforms.

Did you hear the guy who wears the Goofy costume at Disney Land was arrested on child pornography charges? And here I thought Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby girl was the seventh sign of the apocalypse.

Due to riots, an Italian soccer league is banning fans from attending their games. To show how serious they are about not having any fans at their soccer games, they are going to play the games here in the United States.  

Former NBA player John Amaechi declared that he is gay in his autobiography;

Here are the top ten ways all sports would be better if they were gay:

10; Ladies and gentleman introducing your San Francisco Sixty Niners

9, Men’s figure skating would, well, no, that would pretty much stay the same.

8, In baseball, draw four balls? (Good for you, sailor) Now on the way to first, Madonna, Madonna, starburst, step, bump, step, bump, bump, spin, hitch-kick and ballet jete on the base.

7, In track’s pole vault, biggest pole wins

6, In soccer, yellow cards are now sunset chartreuse, and the use of hands is mandatory.

5, Women’s softball would, well, no, that would pretty much stay the same.

4, In hockey, new rule: pants off at the blue line.

3, In basketball taking it hard to the hole takes on a whole new meaning.

2, The Cleveland Cavaliers would change their name to, well, no, that would pretty much stay the same.

And the number one thing that would change if all sports were gay:

All golfers change their name to Tiger.  

What style and class that family has
In a sleazy tell-all book, Anna Nicole’s half sister claims Anna’s long-dead 90-year-husband J. Howard Marshall is the father of Anna’s baby. She claims Anna froze Marshall’s sperm as a trump card to win his estate. Ah, there’s nothing quite like your own family now is there?

Since you asked:

The short, miserable life of Anna Nicole Smith reads like a manual titled: “How You Don’t Want Your Daughter To Be.”

Apparently the uneducated reckless pursuit of fame, wealth, drugs and booze is not all that its cracked up to be. Who knew? Hello, Paris, Britney and Lindsay, this is your wake up call.

Rule # 1, Fathers-of-daughters: Keep your girl off the stripper pole.