Happy Snappy Capn' Pappy New Year, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Auld Lang Insane
*Security is tighter than ever this New Year's. This year in New York’s Times Square, you have to get permission from the police before you can throw up.
*Folks, if you plan to attend a New Year’s Eve party this year be extra careful; make sure that, right before Midnight, you are not, repeat, not standing anywhere near Joe Namath.
A discerning weasel
*The same attorney, Mark Garagos, is representing both accused wife-killer Scott Peterson and accused child molester Michael Jackson. So at least the guy has standards. Is he waiting for Saddam’s retainer check to clear, or what?
Is there a sudden shortage of sleaze-bag attorneys I don't know about?
Sources are accusing Michael Jackson's attorney, Mark Garagos, of telling people to lie about his client's association with the Nation of Islam. If he is not careful, this case could turn weird.
(You better enjoy these, after these jokes, I vow am not going to tell anymore Michael Jackson jokes for the rest of the year)
That's a crime
*A highly intoxicated woman tried to choke an air marshal on a flight from Pittsburgh to Minneapolis. She could face charges of assaulting a federal officer, interfering with a flight crew, and impersonating an airline pilot.
*Have you heard about the dog translator? It tells you what your dog is thinking. For the last two weeks your dog has been thinking: "This moron still can’t figure out why I don’t have to go outside and why he doesn't have to water the Christmas tree."
Meat me in St. Louis
Don’t let this mad cow nonsense scare you. Last night I ate a big juicy steak, and I am fine . . . just a second, one of my head-voices is asking a question. What? No you can't fly to Neptune to shave your poodle. Sorry, where was I?
In my best Johnny voice . . .
*The Minnesota Vikings are going to keep their coach Mike Tice even though they started out 6-0 and failed to make the playoffs. In fact, the Vikings faded faster than Larry King's honeymoon after the Viagra ran out.
*Reportedly the New Orleans Saints' decision to not to keep wide receivers coach Hubbard Alexander has angered wide receiver Joe Horn. Writers attempted to contact Horn for a comment, but his goal post pad was busy.
Since you asked:
At some point – and it’s coming soon – they are going to have to stop calling special effects special. OK, movie-folks, you can make things that aren't happening look like they are happening. We got it. Enough.
Movie makers are taking liberties with our loyalty of suspended disbelief. And then there is the other side of this entertainment betrayal: Reality television.
If somebody knows they are being filmed, it is no longer, by any definition, reality. Just ask the great ski-action movie maker Warren Miller. He said when the cameras role, I.Q.'s plummet. The only good news about all this is that the scorchingly moronic psycho human trash on “The Jerry Springer Show” aren’t actually that scorchingly moronic in real life.
The movie "Pirates of the Caribbean" was fun. (Keith Richards should get an Oscar for Johnny Depp's portrayal of Capt Jack Sparrow) But the over-use of those skeleton thingies killed a lot of the fun for me. I love tall ships, but tall ships can’t sail with billions of holes in their sails, ghosts or not.
When I was a kid, there were times when we played pretend so hard that the line between reality and fantasy crossed into a new dimension. Now, I am not saying that I became a pirate, or that the monkey bars became a ship, or that I was Daniel Boone and the wooden gate around the park was actually Fort Boonesborough, but it sure seemed like it. That's what a good movie should do. By playing pretend really well, the actors and director can create a third reality that isn't without it's own existence. And a big part of the reality depends on a level of devoted honesty.
There was always that one kid who could never quite get that part. They always ruined the mood for everyone else. (Uh, that's not a musket, that's one them toilet plunger thingies) A good actor retains that child-like ability to become what they are pretending to be. I am guessing Madonna wasn't fun to play with as a kid – except, maybe, as a patient when playing Doctor.