Do the booty dance, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Problem solved
I know how to solve this entire Mad Cow testing debate. Just ask a cow if it agrees with the BCS split-national college football championship. If the cow says yes, it is obviously insane.

Love is a Rose Bowl
It seems like every year the teams from the Big Ten come out to the Rose Bowl and get overwhelmed. Do you know the Pac Ten's secret? Two words: Hef's Grotto.

Fat City
Detroit has replaced Houston as America's fattest city, according to a fitness magazine. According to the study, Detroit’s lack of exercise, poor diet and low-job satisfaction were cited as the cause. And that’s just on their pro teams, the Tigers and the Lions.

How in the world did Detroit pass Houston as America’s fattest city? Houston’s flag has a deep-fryer and a defibrillator on it.

Houston is the only place in the world where you can get your pie chicken-fried.

All the news that’s fit to print and then some more
“Fox News” is reporting that “The New York Times” mistakenly reported that Michael Jackson was paid $1 million by CBS for his “Sixty Minutes” interview. Remember the good old days when “The National Enquirer” was actually less reliable than “The New York Times?”

Since you asked:
Believe me, I am no USC fan, but . . . Now let me get this straight. Oklahoma and L.S.U. could come out looking like they just ate off the Oakland Raider’s plate: High top Keds sneakers, patched blue jeans, old leather helmets on sideways looking out through the ear holes, handling the football like it was a greased pig, and yet one of them will get a share of the National Championship with the obviously #1 USC? Oh yeah, great job with that BSC thing.

Happy New Year! In 2004, we gonna do it some mo', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Honorary Trojans
*The Michigan football players were having a blast before the Rose Bowl; they went to shows, Hollywood parties, laid-out by the pool and took a complete break from studying. Why, it's almost like they were enrolled at USC.

How tight was it?
*Security was really tight with the airlines on New Years Eve. To give you some idea, the pilots were not allowed to drink from glass bottles, only cans.

Security was so tight, you couldn't even bring a corkscrew on an airliner, unless, of course, you're a pilot. For pilots a corkscrew is considered standard equipment.

A Winter Wonderland (I wonder where my money went)
*Can you believe Las Vegas was covered in snow over the holidays? People were running outside from the Casinos, lying down, flapping their arms and legs to make little snow-hookers.

People ran outside from the Casinos and started snowball fights while the bookies took bets on the winners.

I saw a snowman complete with a snow-stripper giving him a lap dance.

It was amazing, I saw a snowman begging for cab fare to the airport.

A big number
*Can you believe it's 2004? 2004 doesn’t sound like a year, 2004 sounds more like the size of a Rush Limbaugh prescription order.

Harr, me matey
*I finally saw the DVD "Pirates of the Caribbean." Johnny Depp was great as Captain Jack Sparrow. I tell you, it will be a crime if Keith Richards doesn’t win the Oscar for that role.

Hee heee
*Michael Jackson may have lied about being manhandled by the police; he may have lied about being represented by the Nation of Islam; and now it seems he lied about being paid by for the "Sixty Minutes" interview. In fact, has Michael lied so much his fake nose grew five inches.

The Fruitcakes of her labor
*A 105-pound woman, Sonya Thomas, won the Fruitcake Eating Championship in Buffalo, New York. She ate five pounds of fruitcake. Five pounds. In other words, she ate an entire slice.

Of course the term Fruitcake Eating Championship is a paradox; as we all know, there are no winners in a fruitcake-eating contest.

Happy Snappy Capn' Pappy New Year, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Auld Lang Insane
*Security is tighter than ever this New Year's. This year in New York’s Times Square, you have to get permission from the police before you can throw up.

*Folks, if you plan to attend a New Year’s Eve party this year be extra careful; make sure that, right before Midnight, you are not, repeat, not standing anywhere near Joe Namath.

A discerning weasel
*The same attorney, Mark Garagos, is representing both accused wife-killer Scott Peterson and accused child molester Michael Jackson. So at least the guy has standards. Is he waiting for Saddam’s retainer check to clear, or what?

Is there a sudden shortage of sleaze-bag attorneys I don't know about?

Sources are accusing Michael Jackson's attorney, Mark Garagos, of telling people to lie about his client's association with the Nation of Islam. If he is not careful, this case could turn weird.

(You better enjoy these, after these jokes, I vow am not going to tell anymore Michael Jackson jokes for the rest of the year)

That's a crime
*A highly intoxicated woman tried to choke an air marshal on a flight from Pittsburgh to Minneapolis. She could face charges of assaulting a federal officer, interfering with a flight crew, and impersonating an airline pilot.

Bark remark
*Have you heard about the dog translator? It tells you what your dog is thinking. For the last two weeks your dog has been thinking: "This moron still can’t figure out why I don’t have to go outside and why he doesn't have to water the Christmas tree."

Meat me in St. Louis
Don’t let this mad cow nonsense scare you. Last night I ate a big juicy steak, and I am fine . . . just a second, one of my head-voices is asking a question. What? No you can't fly to Neptune to shave your poodle. Sorry, where was I?

In my best Johnny voice . . .
*The Minnesota Vikings are going to keep their coach Mike Tice even though they started out 6-0 and failed to make the playoffs. In fact, the Vikings faded faster than Larry King's honeymoon after the Viagra ran out.

Call waiting
*Reportedly the New Orleans Saints' decision to not to keep wide receivers coach Hubbard Alexander has angered wide receiver Joe Horn. Writers attempted to contact Horn for a comment, but his goal post pad was busy.



Since you asked:


At some point – and it’s coming soon – they are going to have to stop calling special effects special. OK, movie-folks, you can make things that aren't happening look like they are happening. We got it. Enough.

Movie makers are taking liberties with our loyalty of suspended disbelief. And then there is the other side of this entertainment betrayal: Reality television.

If somebody knows they are being filmed, it is no longer, by any definition, reality. Just ask the great ski-action movie maker Warren Miller. He said when the cameras role, I.Q.'s plummet. The only good news about all this is that the scorchingly moronic psycho human trash on “The Jerry Springer Show” aren’t actually that scorchingly moronic in real life.

The movie "Pirates of the Caribbean" was fun. (Keith Richards should get an Oscar for Johnny Depp's portrayal of Capt Jack Sparrow) But the over-use of those skeleton thingies killed a lot of the fun for me. I love tall ships, but tall ships can’t sail with billions of holes in their sails, ghosts or not.

When I was a kid, there were times when we played pretend so hard that the line between reality and fantasy crossed into a new dimension. Now, I am not saying that I became a pirate, or that the monkey bars became a ship, or that I was Daniel Boone and the wooden gate around the park was actually Fort Boonesborough, but it sure seemed like it. That's what a good movie should do. By playing pretend really well, the actors and director can create a third reality that isn't without it's own existence. And a big part of the reality depends on a level of devoted honesty.

There was always that one kid who could never quite get that part. They always ruined the mood for everyone else. (Uh, that's not a musket, that's one them toilet plunger thingies) A good actor retains that child-like ability to become what they are pretending to be. I am guessing Madonna wasn't fun to play with as a kid – except, maybe, as a patient when playing Doctor.

Play that funky music, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Where was the white horse?
*Did you see all the USC players at "The Tonight Show" last night? It was like one big giant class of USC football players. That is, if USC football players ever went to a class.

As soon as they all sat down, out of habit, USC coach Pete Carroll handed them the answers to a test.

Man, I haven’t seen that much red in one place since Sacramento's last state budget meeting.

The best part for the USC football players? By sitting through the entire "Tonight Show" they all received six credits for Advanced Media Studies.

Woof. And I mean that, literally.
*Have you heard about the dog translator? It tells you what your dog is thinking. One thing your dog is wondering is why do you keep calling them accidents when they do it on purpose?

It could be scary to know what your dog is thinking: "You think I forgot that you had me fixed? Just wait until you doze off in that easy chair one night. I’ll fetch a couple of things you won’t ever forget, Pal."

It could be scary to know what your dog is thinking: "Once I figure out how to work that can opener, you are toast, Mister."

Time to go
*It's almost a week since Christmas, and there it just sits there in the living room shedding on the carpet just waiting to be tossed out on the curb. But enough about your brother-in-law, time to do something about that Christmas tree.

Time to get rid of the relatives this holiday? Do what I do. Repeatedly play the Yoko Ono Christmas album and serve nothing but fruitcake.

What's your beef?
*Have you had a Washington state strip steak? After you eat it, you strip naked.

PETA is getting into the act. They object to the term Mad Cow Disease. They prefer Behaviorally Challenged Bovine Syndrome.

Resolute Celebrities
It’s that time of year when celebrities make their New Year’s resolutions:

Paris Hilton resolves not to sleep with anyone who she doesn’t know personally.

Jessica Simpson has a New Year’s Resolution: No more finger sandwiches, because sandwiches made out of fingers are like disgusting.

Kobe Bryant's New Year's resolution can be summed up in three words: Seven-Eleven Microwave Burritos.

Christine Aguilera resolves to stop dressing so conservatively in 2004.

Britney Spears has resolved to work closer with senior citizens, just not to French kiss them any more.

Step off with your good foot and walk with me for a while, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy New Year
I finally figured out what Auld Lang Syne means. It's Scottish for "That's for Shizzle my Burrizzle."

That inconsiderate brute
*Michael Jackson told "Sixty Minutes" that, when he was arrested, the authorities “manhandled” him. Jackson is very upset. The arresting officer won’t return any of Michael's notes or calls.

Jackson told "Sixty Minutes" he still has marks from the handcuffs, which really surprised the police because they never put any handcuffs on Jackson.

Handsome image
*According to a survey in "Men’s Health" magazine, 85% of men admit they surf the Internet wearing nothing but their underwear. And that's just the guys in the lesbian chat rooms.

One big snake
*Indonesian villagers claim they have caught a 49ft, 992 pound python. In fact, it's the biggest snake ever caught that didn't crawl out from inside a spider hole.

'Tis the end of the Season
*You can tell Christmas is really over. The needles are falling off the tree, the mistletoe is wilted, and I finally cleaned up all of the reindeer poop from my roof.

That explains it
*Did anyone gain any weight over the holidays? Just do what Rush Limbaugh does: blame it on a left-wing democratic conspiracy.

Forget Atkins
*Anyone need to lose weight after the holidays? There is a new diet out. It’s called the Saddam diet. Right before you eat, just watch that tape of Saddam getting checked for fleas. You’ll lose twenty pounds by Valentines Day.

The name game
*The Iran city of Bam is still reeling from that awful earthquake. Maybe Bam isn’t the best name for a city, it is sort of asking for an earthquake. Come to think of it, the city of Shaker Heights might want to make a name change.

So sad
*Reportedly Saddam Hussein is a crushed and defeated man; Saddam didn’t get the Barbie "Cook With Me" smart kitchen he wanted for Christmas.