Um, sweety, being a screaming bitch trumps hot every time.

We had a brown out on the down out, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I’m having a rough day. When I hit my Staples “Easy” button I sprained my thumb.

In his biography, tennis star Andre Agassi claims he lost a French Open final because he was terrified his hairpiece would fall off on to the ground in the middle of the game. It’s the same fear Manny Rameriz has with his testicles.

It’s fashion week in Pakistan. And you know what all the Pakistan fashionistas are saying this season: last year’s black Burka is this year’s really black Burka.

First Maria Shriver drove on her handheld cell phone, then she parked in a red zone, now a store says Maria left a huge pile of tried-on clothes on the floor. You know what Maria did today? She yanked a woman’s soccer player to the ground by her ponytail.

Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is writing a book; it’s like Sarah Palin’s book, “Going Rogue” Prejean’s book is; “Going Rouge.”

Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is in trouble over a sex tape. Before Prejean blamed her topless photos on the wind blowing her blouse open. Not to go into lurid details of the sex tape, but that had to be some gust of wind to blow her vibrator where it ended up.

Sammy Sosa is noticeably whiter since undergoing skin lightening procedures. In fact, Sosa is so white, he could star in the HBO “Curb Your Enthusiasm” “Seinfeld” reunion.

First Maria Shriver drove on her handheld cell phone, then she parked in a red zone, now a store says Maria left a huge pile of tried-on clothes on the floor. In fact, as we speak, the California legislature is drafting a bill to have Maria’s title changed from First Lady to First Bitch.

The Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey produced movie “Precious” is hailed as a great low-budget independent film. Here is my question: how can a film be called low-budget when the two producers have $500 million dollars of loose change in their couches each?

The independent film, “Precious” is getting interesting reviews. “We give it an A”, said “Entertainment Weekly.” “Inspirational” said “The Wall Street Journal.” “Wow, that is one fat chick” said “Douche-bag Quarterly.”

You’ve probably seen the footage of the drunk Boston woman who falls on the subway tracks, but the engineer stopped the train right before hitting her? If that had been a Northwest Airlines pilot, this would be a much sadder and messier story.

The movie “Precious” is about a morbidly obese uneducated 16-year-old ghetto girl who is sexually abused by her drug addict father and mentally and physically abused by her bitter welfare mother. The “Trenton Gazette” calls it the feel good movie of the year.

The movie “Precious” is about a morbidly obese illiterate 16-year-old ghetto girl who is sexually abused by her drug addict father and mentally and physically abused by her hateful welfare mother. What? No dying dog? What a schmaltzy Hollywood sell-out.

Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is writing a book; so, parents, if you want your daughter to be intolerant of gays, fired for shirking her Miss California duties, rip-off the pageant for breast implants, pose topless and then make a sex video, this is the book for your little sweetheart.

The movie “Precious” is about a morbidly obese illiterate 16-year-old ghetto girl who is sexually abused by her drug addict father and mentally and physically abused by her hateful welfare mother. What? No blind orphan falling in a well crying for mommy? What a puff piece.

The movie “Precious” is about a morbidly obese 16-year-old girl. One review called “Precious” plus-sized. That’s like calling Amy Winehouse a bit of a party chick.

Since you asked:

One thing that has never been clearer is that I have no grasp whatsoever on what women find attractive in men lately.

Those two “Twilight” dudes, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner? You have to be kidding, ladies. Pasty-faced, oily dorks whose girly-pretty sexuality is ambiguous at best. Where are the Paul Newman’s and Robert Redford’s and Steve McQueen’s and Sean Connery’s and Clint Eastwood’s of this generation? These “New Moon” dweebs make Adam Lambert look like an ass kicker. And we all know Liz Lambert (New Mexico ponytail puller) could kick his ass.

Hell, the hot women of today could kick these guy’s tuchuses. Who would you take in a fight, Fergie or Robert Pattinson? Me too, Fergie every time. Hell, Lada Gaga’s wardrobe could beat the crap out of Taylor Lautner. Paris Hilton’s hair weave could knock out Zach Efron.

OK, yes, some of these guys have ripped abs, but so does everyone under the age of 30 thanks to liposuction, pills and Red Bull. Ripped abs don’t count anymore. Madonna has ripped abs.

And it isn’t just about brawn, I mean, Paul Newman was a little guy, but he was so damn cool. Ditto with Marlon Brando and James Dean and James Caan. And I have it on good authority those last three were all closeted gay and or bi. (Yes, Sonny Corleone and Brian Piccilo likes his boys. Remember the young drunk gay guy who fell out of his apartment?) There is nothing wrong with being gay unless a guy who likes guys is trying to be a leading ladies man. See: Tom Cruise.

Would you want to have a beer with the Jonas Brothers? Shakira has more testosterone than all three of them. Seriously, a brother rock band that touts abstinence? Tito freaking Jackson got more than he could handle. What is the point of being a rock star if you are not going to score gorgeous groupies? It’s like being a vegetarian chef at Morton’s Steak House.

Granted, I am not the closest person in touch with today’s hottest music, but I try. I watch some of these bands on late night talk shows. And almost all of them look like they are nerd computer /film school dorks who had their too-much-hair-product heads flushed all through high school. Except Jet, and they aren’t even that young anymore.

Not to get all “Sex and the City” Carrey on your skinny six, but did two whole generations raised on political correctness create a race full of dweeb dudes?

The Eagles were little skinny guys, but they looked like they could take care of themselves in a bar fight. At least they could grow a beard. Well, maybe not Timothy B. Schmidt. The pube-faced losers I see in hot bands now look like they would wet their skinny jeans if a fight broke out in a bar. And that would be at an oxygen bar.

The coolest guy in rock and roll right now is John Mayer? (At least he’s getting all the babes, primarily due to lack of competition) Fall Out Boy? I mean, they are my New Trier High homeys and all, but, seriously, their lead singer, Pete Wentz, admits he makes out with the fellas. Every single Rolling Stone in their sixties is cooler than John Mayer. (Although I do admit Mayer is a funny guy and one hell of a guitar player)

We need to take the steroids out of sports and put it in our young matinee idols

And here I thought I invented the Fabreze shower, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Rumor has it Stephen Tyler has quit Aerosmith. And if you’ve seen Stephen Tyler recently, you know he is going to join the Indigo Girls.


Steroid-disgraced slugger, Sammy Sosa is noticeably whiter since undergoing skin lightening procedures. In fact, Sammy is getting so white he bought a John Legend CD.


It’s fashion week in Pakistan. That’s sort of like NASCAR week in San Francisco.


In an interview, Blackeyed Peas singer, Fergie, said she likes to have sex with women, but she prefers well-endowed men. And with Chastity Bono, she can have both.


Wednesday we honored the brave people who sacrificed themselves to save the rest of us; and besides the guys who date Madonna, let’s hear it for our military.


For the third time in 13 months, this time a United Airlines pilot was kicked off his flight for being too drunk to fly. Between those sleeping Northwest pilots and drunk pilots, flying is so scary it is turning me as white as Sammy Sosa.


“Sesame Street” is 40 years old. You can tell the characters are getting older. Remember Oscar the Grouch? He’s the friendliest one now.


Steroid-disgraced slugger, Sammy Sosa is noticeably whiter since undergoing skin lightening procedures. Among the side effects of being whiter, Sammy has noticed skin sensitivity to sunlight, an increase in rashes and an uncontrollable desire to eat bologna and watch NASCAR.


Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is writing a book; but, if you take out the words “whatever” and “like” and “I’m all” and “as if” and “OMG” it’s more like a pamphlet.


You’ve seen the clip of New Mexico’s women’s soccer player, Liz Lambert, throwing a Brigham Young player to the ground by her pony tail. The fight probably continued to the showers with a towel-snapping fight and then some wrestling in the steamy shower until they made up and hugged and lathered each other up with soap and . . . I’m sorry, what were we talking about?

F.Y.I, saying F.Y.I is the new being a douche bag, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


It’s fashion week in Pakistan. This year’s Fall-inspired suicide bomber ensemble is to die for.


Steroid-disgraced slugger, Sammy Sosa is noticeably whiter since undergoing skin lightening procedures. In fact, Sosa is so white, he can’t even dance anymore.


It is the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin wall; for those who are too young to remember, the Berlin wall did not fall due to a sex tape, hitting Rihanna or going country.


In interviews, the New York Yankees claim they won the World Series because they have heart; listening to the Yankees say they won because of heart is like hearing Donald Trump say women dig him because he’s sexy.


“Sesame Street” is 40 years old. You can tell the characters are getting older, on the last episode, the Count counted his medications: “One, one Lipitor, two, two Viagra, three, three teaspoons of Metamucil, hah, hah, hah.”


Steroid-disgraced slugger, Sammy Sosa is noticeably whiter since undergoing skin lightening procedures. Here’s my question: when they make Sosa whiter do they also have to shorten his penis?


Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is writing a book; suddenly Sarah Palin’s book sounds pretty good.


In the wake of the Fort Hood shootings, authorities are now saying there were red flags about the shooter, Nidal Milak Hasan including he praised suicide bombers and he was in contact with a terrorist in Yemen. Red flags? What did they need, an “I Heart Osama bin Laden” t-shirt?


Have you seen the clip of New Mexico’s women’s soccer player, Elisabeth Lambert, slamming a Brigham Young player to the ground by her pony tail? Man, I haven’t seen a woman go down that fast since Paris Hilton during Fleet Week.


You’ve seen the clip of New Mexico’s women’s soccer player, Elisabeth Lambert, throwing a Brigham Young player to the ground by her pony tail? Here’s my question: that’s not supposed to turn a guy on, right? Just asking.



Since you asked:

So as not to give the Hollywood bloated appearance of detached-by-egomaniacal-self-importance, as in those insufferable a-holes whining; “Please free convicted child rapist, Roman Polanski, he’s so talented.”, TV talk show monologues should try to be representative of the water cooler and soccer field topic banter of everyday red-blooded Americans. And to stay away from what the entertainment industry cares about because real Americans don’t care about that.

Big shot entertainment producer douche-bags may be terrified of a potential make-up artist strike, but nobody else in the country is, so don’t do jokes about a topic like that. Do jokes about what people are talking about. Or at least what they at least find mildly interesting.

Yes, the health care bill passed the house, but most regular people don’t care until it is a signed law passed by both the house and the Senate and signed by the President. But last night all the talk shows did many jokes about the house narrowly passing the health care bill. Why? It’s not a topic that has anything funny about it at all. Well, except for Nancy Polosi’s face.

Don’t mistake this for suggesting you dumb-down to people. That’s not what I mean. People are smart and they can smell someone being condescending a mile away. (By the way, condescending means to talk down to someone . . .)

But a women’s soccer player caught on TV kicking, slugging, stomping and yanking another player to the ground by her ponytail? That is what folks are talking about.

And yet a couple of talk shows did not do one joke about it. Not one.

It’s like the Ellen DeGeneres inside joke about letting fame go to your head.

“I don’t let fame go to my head. In fact, today I was just telling Yolanda, the woman who brushes my teeth . . .”

Hollywood, you might want to give us jokes like; “Times are so tough did you hear about the craft services table that had to substitute its Beluga caviar with Osetra caviar?” But we don’t want to hear those jokes. Honestly. We don’t. Nobody does.

You know what people can joke about no matter if their kids have the swine flu, no matter if they are cutting down on doing the things they love due to financial problems, no matter if their politicians are screwing everything up, no matter if a loved one is serving in harm’s way?

Sports.

This is a powerful lesson I learned way back right after September 11th, 2001. We wanted to see President Bush throw a strike during the World Series in New York and when he did, we laughed, cried, hugged and cheered.

And don’t say you didn’t because Bush turned out to be incompetent , you did.

If you drive a cab, or throw garbage in a garbage truck, or wait on tables or if you are the big shot at the fancy steak house being waited on, you can talk to anyone and everyone about sports and nobody will get offended. Well, unless they are Mets or Knicks fans, but then who cares what those people think?

Take black people turning white through chemical peels. Joke about Michael Jackson and Michael’s fans get furiously offended. Joke about Sammy Sosa turning white and everybody laughs and nobody gets offended.

And yet I know of several big shot comedians and comedy writers – in fact, entire staffs of huge shows of big shot comedy writers – who could not give a rat’s ass about sports.

And it shows in their jokes. Or their lack of jokes.

"I got anger issues? How'd you like some broken nose issues?"

Taking the frail by the tail ‘til they wail, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


A woman in England is allergic to water and can only take a shower for five minutes a month; or as they call showering for five minutes a month in France: obsessive cleanliness disorder.


Kirstie Alley is coming back to TV. I think the show is called “C.S.I.: Applebee’s.”


Have you seen the clip of New Mexico’s women’s soccer player, Elisabeth Lambert, slamming a Brigham Young player to the ground by her pony tail? The bad news? Lambert has been suspended. The good news? Lambert picked up an endorsement deal with Midol .

The bad news? Lambert has been suspended. The good news? The Oakland Raiders want to sign her.


Have you seen the clip of New Mexico’s women’s soccer player, Elisabeth Lambert, slamming a Brigham Young player to the ground by her pony tail? The bad news? Lambert has been suspended. The good news? She inked an endorsement deal with Nike: Just Do It, Bitch.

Did this after surfing on Sunday

Kirstie Alley is coming back to TV. I think the show is called “C.S.I.: Arby’s.”


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years for having sex with a horse; wow, for South Carolina that is a harsh sentence, that must have been one ugly horse.


Carrie Prejean, dropped her lawsuit against Miss California when pageant attorneys revealed an explicit video of Prejean performing sex acts on herself. Let’s just say Prejean may be opposed to same sex marriage, but clearly she has no problem with same sex with herself.


Carrie Prejean, dropped her lawsuit against Miss California when pageant attorneys revealed an explicit video of Prejean performing sex acts on herself. Let’s just say it looks like Prejean took it literally when pageant officials told her to go screw herself.


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years for having sex with a horse; of course the man denies this, he claims he was just riding the horse really, really badly.


Philadelphia Phillie fans are still reeling from the World Series loss to the New York Yankees; gosh, I hope this doesn’t make those kind, forgiving and supportive Philadelphia fans bitter and hostile.


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years for having sex with a horse; wow, that is a harsh sentence, in Oklahoma they call sex with a horse: “Bonding out on the trail.”


Florida police became very emotional about finding the baby in the box after several days; you know who also became emotional over the baby in the box? Roman Polanski, he cried; “Oh, thank you, it’s the perfect gift.”