Hey Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Here is how much I miss the Olympics: I even miss Bob Costas. In fact, last night, I hired a circus midget to sit in front of the fireplace with a microphone and act smug.

Access Hollywood said the latest way of keeping fit in Hollywood is lifting heavy objects like anvils and sandbags. It’s true. Stephen Segal works out lifting his ego. Stephen Speilberg works out lifting his wallet.Russell Crowe works out lifting his little black address book.Halle Berry works out lifting her driving record.

Items from Enron are being auctioned including furniture, artwork, exercise equipment. You can get a great deal on Kenneth Lay’s calculator, it’s never been used.

Details from the sexual assault case against Mike Tyson were made public. One of Tyson’s accusers claims Tyson forcibly performed oral sex on her. Kind of brings new meaning to a boxer taking a dive.

Although the closing ceremonies of the Winter Olympics were great, there is one sour note. The Russians are complaining that Kiss’s performance favored Americans.

Did you see Kiss perform at the Winter Olympics? Today congress passed a law that requires Kiss bassist Gene Simmons to close that huge hole in his pants. Forgot about the ozone, why can’t we close Gene Simmons pants? At the closing ceremonies at the Winter Olympics, Kiss bassist Gene Simmons performed in tight pants with a huge hole on the side of his leather pants. It was the biggest ass seen at the Olympics since the French skating judge.

One of the biggest surprises at the Olympics occurred at the closing ceremonies: After his performance, Willy Nelson passed his drug test.

I loved the Winter Olympics closing ceremonies. I especially liked when the child-of-light skated over and stole Bob Costas’ lunch money and gave him a wedgie.

Gary Condit was on the “The Larry King Show”. The theme of this show was “Guys Who Still Dress Badly For the Eighties.” There haven’t been as many two-toned shirts and suspenders since the movie “Wall Street.”