It is hard out here

Step off wit’ yo’ good foot, now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


How hot is it?
It was so muggy yesterday, I was sweating like Anna Nicole Smith hearing that 75-year-old Warren Buffet was giving away $36 billion.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
President Bush celebrated black music at the White House today; it was a little awkward, when President Bush was asked what he thought of the Blues, Bush said he preferred the red states.

Page turner
Author J.K. Rowling has revealed that two of the Harry Potter characters will die in the next adventure. Now, I don’t want to give anything away, but I think something happens when Albus Dumbledore goes quail hunting with evil lord Dick Cheney.

We are kaput
Billionaire Warren Buffet announced he is donating $35 billion to charities. There was an ugly moment after the 75-year old Buffet announced he was donating $35 billion, Anna Nicole Smith screamed that their engagement was off.

Not since then
During his 64th birthday, last Tuesday, Paul McCartney was reportedly depressed over the porn pictures and rumors of prostitution surrounding his ex-wife Heather Mills. Paul said it is the worst he’s ever felt without having to hear Yoko Ono sing.

Not good
The Chicago Cubs have lost eight games in a row at home. It has gotten so bad, the Cubs lost their last game to Ghana.

The good old days
A flight from to Puerto Rica had to be diverted after three women broke out in a drunken fist fight. What happened to the good old days when the drunkest people on the flight were the pilots?

A little different
Nicole Kidman married Keith Urban in Australia. Celebrity marriages in Australia are a little different, when they go down the toilet they swirl the opposite way.

Superperson
“Superman Returns” opens this weekend. Superman decided to return because his caped powder blue suit was officially declared fashionable by “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”

The gay magazine “The Advocate” claims the latest Superman is gay friendly and they may be right. Superman’s intro used to be: able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Now it is: able to redesign any loft in a single skip.

Now why would they say Superman is gay friendly? Just because a guy runs into public mens bathrooms to change into powder blue tights with red boots, underwear and a cape and they call him gay?

Speaking of gay
A study reveals that the cause of male gayness may be biological. Previously, it was believed that male gayness was caused by listening to Barbra Streisand albums while sitting on Ikea furniture.

Or something like that  
Brazil defeated Ghana 3-0 to easily advance in the World Cup in Germany; or as American sports fans describe it: that one team beat that other team at that place in that thing over there.  

Nut job
How about the video of the minor league manager going nuts? That guy was madder than Ann Coulter at a Dixie Chicks benefit concert for gay rights.

It is hard out here

Come on now, we slammin’ with the jammin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Futbol
In England’s 1-0 win over Ecuador, David Beckham scored on a penalty kick and then Beckham threw up on the field and thus was charged with impersonating the U.S. soccer team.

It was the most Beckham has thrown up since he listened to his wife’s Spice Girls albums.

We are here, we’re near, so stay clear
The gay pride parades were this weekend all across the country. This is the most gay men have marched together since the Ikea end-of-the-year sale.

High octane
New York City announced they are adding more hybrid taxis. In case you don’t know a hybrid taxi is fueled by a combination of gas, electricity and the stench from the cab driver’s body odor.

Motto
Florida Gov. Jeb Bush has signed a bill that makes Florida’s motto, “In God We Trust.” This replaces Florida’s old motto; “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.”

This replaces Florida’s old motto, “Shut up, I’m trying to watch “Matlock.”

Two big milestones
Scientists say the earth is the hottest it's been in 2,000 years. This also marks the 2,000 anniversary of the phrase; “Holy Christ, it’s hot.”

It is hot in New York. It was so hot the cab drivers had to switch to their cotton mesh turbans.  

Who can blame the guy?
Saddam Hussein declared a hunger strike that lasted all of one meal. When asked why his hunger strike only lasted one meal, Hussein replied; “It was make-your-own-Falafel night. I’m only human.”

Time is not on our side
A research study by the Oxford Dictionary says the most used noun is "time". As in the people who did this study have too much time on their hands.

How hot is it?
It has been hot. It was so hot in Los Angeles the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim are now calling themselves the Los Angeles Angels of Hell.
Warning
A medical study claims that drinking a lot of coffee after a night of heavy drinking can reduce your chance of getting alcohol related liver diseases. In addition, drinking a lot of coffee after a night of heavy drinking can also give you breath that could kill your dog.

Crying? There’s no crying in soccer.
In a nasty World Cup match, Portugal defeated the Netherlands 1-0. One of Portugal’s players Christiano Renaldo limped off in tears. Wait, was he crying? Was he crying? There’s no crying in soccer. There’s no crying in soccer. My coach was Alexi Lalas and he once called me a quivering pile of pig dung in front of my parents who came from Fresno to see me play. And did I cry? No. Why? Because there is no crying in soccer. Oh wait, yes there is crying in soccer. Never mind.

It is hard out here

We all random on the tandem up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not good
In England’s 1-0 win over Ecuador, David Beckham bent it like himself on a penalty kick for the winning goal. Later in the hot game, Beckham threw up all over the field and so Beckham was charged with impersonating the U.S. team.

A good deal
A Florida restaurant is offering a hamburger that costs $100. But you do get to keep the “I am an incredible idiot” t-shirt that comes with it.

A Florida restaurant is offering a hamburger that costs $100. You’ve heard of T.G.I.F.? The $100 hamburger restaurant is called; “T.G.F.F.” Thank God For Fools.”

No lie
A medical study claims that drinking a lot of coffee after a night of heavy drinking can greatly reduce your chance of getting alcohol related liver diseases. In addition, drinking a lot of coffee after a night of heavy drinking can also cause you to become a really annoying hung over person.
          
In addition, drinking a lot of coffee after a night of heavy drinking can also cause you to have breath that could kill your dog.

Understandable
Saddam Hussein declared a hunger strike that lasted all of one meal. When asked why his hunger strike only lasted one meal, Hussein replied; “Hey, you try and skip make-your-own-Sunday night. I’m only human.”

That’s called sleeping in and skipping breakfast, not a hunger strike.  

Careful, Ozzie
Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen was ordered to undergo sensitivity training for calling a sports writer an F’ing Fag. Today will prove quite a test for Guillen and his thick Spanish accent as they are playing Houston who are a bunch of Astros.

We kid our beloved San Diegan
What is interesting about the World Cup is how the team’s personality matches the general personality of the nation. For example, Germany’s soccer team is diligent and hard working whereas Brazil’s team is wild and flamboyant. So, based on our soccer team, the United States has the personality of Phil Mickelson.


(We kid Lefty because we care. The man had a bad time to have a bad hole. But, as always, Phil did it with guts and style fessing up to his mistakes afterwards. You have to be in the lead to blow a lead and some folks - I won’t mention whose name rhymes with Schmiger - didn’t even make the cut)