It is cold in the midwest. Some guys nearly froze their Blagojevich's off.

Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested for trying to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat. Upon hearing this, one Chicago alderman was so shocked, he dropped his bribe money and nearly broke his foot. 

The auto company bailout stalled in the Senate. And wouldn't you know it, the Senate didn't pay their AAA dues this month, so they couldn't have the bailout towed. 

Sadly, Betty Page passed at 85. Page was ahead of her time as a lingerie model posing in girl-on-girl S&M scenes. Seriously, girl-on-girl S&M with lingerie models, I mean who could even imagine such . . . a . . . thing . . . sorry, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, that Blagojevich is a dirt bag . . . ahem. 

This is not a joke - like that will come as a big surprise - but I do want to go on record as being the first to predict that Rod Blagojevich will announce he is going into rehab for sex-pill-drug-alcohol-hair-care-product addiction.

Probably sex addiction because he has been screwing his constituency for so long. Elliot Spitzer may have put the tit in constituency but Blago put in the con.

We gonna bounce that beyatch right outta this piece, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Rough times

The economy is so rough that Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich had to accept an I.O.U. bribe.

Interesting

Ill. Dem. Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested for selling Barack Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder. It’s interesting because the name Blagojevich is a Serbian word that means “Blatant Whore.”

Remember when Plaxico Burress accidentally shot his gun off in his pants? He nearly shot off his Blagojehvich.

Ill. Dem. Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested for selling Barack Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder. More bad news for Blagojevich, the highest bidder was Lehman Brothers.

Ill. Dem. Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested for selling Barack Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder. Suddenly Elliot Spitzer hiring a couple of whores doesn’t sound so bad.

Not good

Paris Hilton is lobbying for the role of Tinkerbell in a new Peter Pan movie. Is that a good idea? When Tinkerbell drinks the poison and Peter Pan pleads for everyone to believe in her to save her, I’m pretty sure Paris would be, well, screwed.

We kid the Louisiana

A study reveals Louisiana is the unhealthiest state in the U.S. In fact, in Louisiana the only known aerobic activity is chasing your cousin to bed.

A study reveals Louisiana is the unhealthiest state in the U.S. Louisiana is so unhealthy, it’s not just a red state, it’s a red, swollen and blotchy state.

A study reveals Louisiana is the unhealthiest state in the U.S. Louisiana is so unhealthy, you know what they call it when they light a cigarette by striking a match instead of a lighter? Exercise.

A study reveals Louisiana is the unhealthiest state in the U.S. Louisiana is so unhealthy gravy is considered a sports drink.

A study reveals Louisiana is the unhealthiest state in the U.S. Louisiana is the only state where soaking the corns on your feet in an inflatable pool is considered water aerobics.

Blogging on Blago

Ill. Dem. Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested for selling Barack Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder. Is it just me or does Blagojevich look like the shift manager at Circuit City who keeps hitting on the cocktail waitress at Chili’s?

Is it just me or does Blagojevich look like the shoe salesman who keeps reminding you should be able to wiggle your toes?

Just so you know, Barack Obama looks senatorial, Rod Blagojevich looks like the Ace Hardware salesman who sold me a light fixture.

Is it just me or does Blagojevich look like a guy who wears two-tone collar shirts and refers to his employees as people a lot? “People, people, listen up.”

You can tell this Blagojevich guy is oily by looking at him: he’s not dumb enough to be white trash but he never quite got that A.A. degree from Lombard Ill. Junior College.

You can tell this Blagojevich guy is sleazy, I bet you anything this guy loves to prop his feet up on his desk while on the phone saying; “I don’t want any crap” a lot.


The skinny

The Beautiful Jennifer Connelly is hitting the talk shows promoting her movie “The Day the Earth Stood Still” Now I don’t want to say Connelly is skinny, but Nicole Richey is begging her; “Please, woman, for the love of god, eat a burger.”

Now I don’t want to say Jennifer Connelly is skinny, but if it’s true the camera adds twenty pounds, she weighs twenty pounds.


Since you asked:

So, Lex, I ask myself, what do Jay and Conan (or Conski O’Boneski as I call him) have to do to get their shows to play earlier?

Jay doesn’t have to do much at all. It might alter his monologue a touch. I’m not sure if standards and practices has words that can be said at 11:30 but can’t be said at 10:00.

The earlier the time slot the lower the audience’s attention span, which could be good for Jay’s format. Less idiotic rambling bad stories from vapid self-possessed movie stars whoring their projects; more skits and remote pieces. Those bits are in Jay’s wheelhouse. Plus I think more stand up comedians would fit at 10:00 which I think Leno has to do more of anyway.

If you saw Conan host the Emmys or any of his Chicago, San Francisco shows, you know he already knows what to do. He is going to go bigger and more professional and a little less familial and silly. But I hope he keeps the masturbating bear. Hell, the blueprint on how to go from 12:30 to 11:30 was perfected by Dave and Conan is more than smart enough to follow it.

Here is my idea for a great remote skit and a good example of why nobody will ever give me my own talk show:

“Whose is bigger?”

You take Jay or Conan out on a crowded street with a camera crew and a gorgeous registered nurse and a booth, you stop two guys – preferably with a wife or girlfriend, or boyfriend in tow - and ask them a series of questions, how much do you weigh? Hobbies? What kind of job do you have? If they have a partner you ask if she/he is happy in bed? How many people have they slept with?

And then the audience votes on “Whose is bigger?” Then gorgeous nurse takes them inside a booth - with a tape measure and a magnifying glass for comedic effect - and emerges with the answer and then they flash the result.

What? Everyone does it anyway, why not make a funny skit out of it?

And get a big screen and enter a chat room and mess with the idiots in there. It is hilarious and I have no idea why a talk show hasn't tried it.

We stepin' it, catchin' it and kvetchin' it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This economy is rough, some governors had to accept IOU bribes.

A study reveals Louisiana is the country's most unhealthy state. In fact, it is more unhealthy than the state of obesity.

The Louisiana diet is so bad and full of sugar the average person will get a cavity on their tooth.

OJ Simpson is going to prison in Nevada, but he will be isolated from the general prison population which may make it harder for OJ to find the real killers. But I have a feeling that, even if he is alone in his cell, if OJ looks hard enough he will find a real killer.

Bring it on home, bring it on home to you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What’s the difference between Jay Leno and President Bush? Leno has a job next year*.

Avast there me hearties
It has been a rough week for pirates, the Oakland Raiders and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers lost, the Somali pirates got outrun by a luxury cruiser and the three auto presidents don’t have their bailout yet.

The Oakland Raiders and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers lost, the Somali pirates got outrun by a luxury cruiser. No doubt about it, for pirates these are harrrrrrd times.

Uh, no Jessica, oh forget it
The Cowboy game in Pittsburgh was so cold, Dallas QB Tony Romo may have experienced mild hypothermia. It was embarrassing, when informed that Romo had experienced hypothermia, Jessica Simpson said; “But he told me he was straight.”

Seems about right
The judge who sentenced OJ Simpson, Jackie Glass, told Simpson he was arrogant and ignorant; but OJ didn’t care nor did he really understand.

Also seems about right
The NFL playoffs picture is getting set. In the NFC Central division, it looks like the 8-5 Minnesota Vikings are going into the playoffs and the 0-13 Detroit Lions are going into therapy.

Time is counting down
President Bush attended the 109th Army-Navy game Saturday; there was an awkward moment when the first half ended and Bush proclaimed: “Mission accomplished.”

Oops
Two-time beach volleyball gold medalist, Kerri Walsh, announced she is expecting with a child conceived the night she won in Beijing; sadly, this was not the best news for Walsh’s husband as he did not make the trip to Beijing.

Two-time beach volleyball gold medalist, Kerri Walsh, announced she is expecting with a child conceived the night she won in Beijing; I’m telling you, that Michael Phelps was one busy guy.

Except for then
A UC San Diego study claims that other people’s happiness – even strangers – is contagious. You get happier simply by being around happy people. The notable exception? Your ex-spouse wins the lottery.

Since you asked:


*Could I please have a nice steaming hot bowl of Wow soup? Talk about a solution that is so obvious you couldn’t see it, NBC is giving Leno the 10:00 PM spot five days a week. Man, NBC sure pulled their fat out of the fire. In my earlier brilliant and insightful (cough) assessment of this solution, the only option I could see was ABC’s 11:30. This NBC 10:00 is better than that for just about everybody concerned.

Good sources tell me nothing is certain about the new Leno show but that it will have a monologue which is sort of good news for me assuming they keep their freelance contributors. And why wouldn't they? Don't answer that.

This is a good move. Leno will get more of his demographic viewers with the earlier time slot and keep all the people who continue to record his show in a DVR/Tivo device.

The late night talk shows are the primary ratings benefactor in the digital recording age. The earlier shows people can watch on their own without much inconvenience, but the late shows need to be recorded because many people can’t stay up.

And there is the element of the timeliness of the topical monologue - and guests - that creates more of an urgency to watch the talk shows than any other recording. If “Gone with the Wind” comes on at midnight you can tape it -sorry, record it, showing my age here -, but there is no reason you need to watch it right away. It is still going to be “Gone with the Wind.” Whereas the jokes in a monologue get dated rather quickly so they require more punctual viewing.

Now there is nothing for me to do but continue to write top notch (cough) comedy and wait for the bonus check that Leno often, but not always, but I am sure he will this year, sends to the more prolific freelance contributors. (Cough) Must be allergies.

(Cue: polite applause swelling to thunderous ovation)

Loose the hounds, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Juice ain’t loose
OJ Simpson is going to prison for 15 years on kidnapping, armed robbery and assault charges; to give you an idea how long that is, when OJ gets out he really won’t remember where he hid the knife.

In a statement to the court, OJ said he didn’t think he did anything wrong. Of course this is a guy who thought killing a couple people was OK.

OJ Simpson is going to prison for 15 years on kidnapping, armed robbery and assault charges; in a statement to the court, OJ said he didn’t think he did anything wrong. As a result, the judge threw in another charge of being really stupid.

Getting a harrrrrd time
A cruise ship was attacked by pirates off of Yemen, but the cruise ship gunned it and outran the pirate ship. That had to be embarrassing back at the pirate bar. “Arr, don’t worry, matey, I hear that cruise ship took off so fast it knocked two fat guys off the all-you-can-eat buffet. Harr”

Yuck
Insiders say Britney Spears is bulimic and her diet consists of Taco Bell, Turkey Jerky and Red Bull. She’s not bulimic, she puked from eating Taco Bell, Turkey Jerky and Red Bull. My word, Amy Winehouse couldn’t hold down that crap.

More Amy
Last week Amy Winehouse was admitted to a London hospital again. It was serious they found some blood in her drug and alcohol system.

You can't spell Louisiana without insane
Louisiana was ranked the unhealthiest state. What do you expect from the state whose state bird is a Popeye’s fried chicken?

They deep fry so many things in Louisiana the state motto is “Batter and Splatter.”

You know what you call a deep fried Twinky in Louisiana? Health food.

Louisiana was ranked the unhealthiest state. There was proof of massive over-eating of junk food, alcoholism, smoking and drug use. And that was just at Britney Spears’s house.

More Pirate garrrrrrbage
A cruise ship was attacked by pirates off of Yemen, but the cruise ship outran the pirate ship. But don’t count these pirates out, they are smart. I heard some of them were educated at Harrrvard. The best day to catch a pirate? Arrrbor Day. But watch out for their swords, they’ll leave a scarrr.

Same deal
The New York Giants said they would take Plaxico Burress back if he promises not to shoot off anything in his pants again. That’s funny, that was the same condition Hillary gave Bill Clinton.

Since you asked:

Let’s play another, but smaller round of;

“Things Hollywood Think Happen But Never Do In Real Life”

Witty comments made right at the most perilous moment

Joggers run at about five minute a mile pace

Long foot chases

Anyone who goes to any game has front row seats

Emerging from a night at a bar/club unaware that it is now daytime

Healthy looking people who smoke constantly

Sex in the kitchen

Cab driver not only speaks perfect English but always makes droll and dry comments

Leaving their car unattended right in front of the airport terminal

Tennis players hit three balls and sit down to drink ice tea

Emerging from the pool with hair wet but coiffed

Talking during Yoga sessions

People admitted to the emergency room see a doctor right away

Jumping on an airplane without any luggage

Every park scene has a guy jogging with a golden retriever and an older woman power walking with five tiny dogs and a hot looking babe riding a horse and a cute kid with balloons and there isn’t a ghetto blaster whaling away in sight.

Everyone gets a seat on the subway and or train.

Every bar scene some woman throws a drink on a guy.

In the Seventies any character who snorts cocaine is hip and cool, after 1985 they are evil and sinister.