We gonna roll thick and toss a few brain grenades this ‘end, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Barry Bonds has been indicted on Federal perjury charges and faces a maximum of thirty years in prison; this is not good, among other things for Bonds, if convicted, this could bring a whole new and horrible meaning to the term: injecting stuff in your ass.

We are planning a very traditional Pilgrim Thanksgiving dinner. We will invite over some native Americans, steal their farming secrets and then shoot them.

Like Nicole Richey, Lindsay Lohan spent a grueling 84 minutes in jail for drunk driving charges; 84 minutes? That’s barely enough time to get a tear drop prison tat, trade a carton of smokes for a cellmate bitch and then shiv a snitch.

In Australia, sidewalk Santas are being told not to say ho, ho, ho, because it is insulting to women; somehow Santas chanting: “Promiscuous women with low self-esteem, promiscuous women with low self-esteem, promiscuous women with low self-esteem” just isn’t the same.


In the next debate, democrats are going to focus on Hillary Clinton’s support and then back- peddling on New York’s proposal to give driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants. Even John Kerry said; “A candidate can’t support an issue and then reverse their position. Oh wait, yes they can. No, I was wrong, they can’t. Or can they?”

Since you asked:
It’s the time of year when relatives come visit or maybe friends are in for a holiday. So here are the top ten things you don’t want to hear a houseguest mutter when they exit the bathroom:

#10.“Wow, I don’t remember eating an acid-blooded space alien.”

#9.“Oh, well, you probably needed to re-paint the bathroom anyway.”

#8.“If you still have those masks from the fires you might want to put one on.”

#7.“Where do you keep the plunger? Oops, never mind, how about the mop?”

#6.“That reminds me, we should go to the zoo and see the new gorilla exhibit.”

#5.“I thought you only got that when you drank the water in Mexico.”

#4.“Light a match? We are way past matches at this point.”

#3.“Whew, I have to have a doctor check that out because that can’t be right.”

#2.“Just a corner of the sports page got singed.”

And the number one thing you don’t want to hear a houseguest mutter when they exit the bathroom:

#1.“In polite circles that would be considered a terrorist attack.”

This just in:
“People” magazine has named Matt Damon as the sexiest man alive for 2007; and Larry King was named sexiest man nearly alive.

Bring it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


People, people who need people . . .
“People” magazine has named Matt Damon as the sexiest man alive for 2007; here is my question: did they even look at my tape?

A lot riding on this
1-9 Notre Dame faces 1-9 Duke. There is a serious wager involved. The loser will have to change their team name to the Miami Dolphins.


Makes sense
Golfer Sergio Garcia set a record by earning the most money on the PGA, $3.7 million, without winning a single tournament; as a result, Sergio was signed by the New York Yankees.



The Fifth Beatle
“The Times of London” reports that Michael Jordan's divorce will cost him $168 million when it becomes final in the next few weeks. The only good news for Michael? Sir Paul McCartney will name Jordan an honorary Beatle.



That would explain it
Hillary Clinton’s campaign admitted they plant questions with audience members to control her campaign talks. This explains the flood of questions asking who designs Hillary’s beautiful pants suits.


Make up your damn mind
In the next debate, democrats are going to focus on Hillary Clinton’s support and then back- peddling on New York’s proposal to give driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants. Even John Kerry said; “A candidate can’t support an issue and then reverse their position. Oh wait, yes they can. No, I was wrong, they can’t. Or can they?”


Huh?
France faces a massive work strike. Isn't that like Ashley Olsen going on a hunger strike?

Plan ahead
President Bush announced he is going to attack air traffic delays. So that means, if you’re planning to travel this Thanksgiving, you better have left three days ago.

It is a spreading the L thing, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Back to normal
New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has officially dropped his proposal to give driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants; now if illegal immigrants want to drive in New York City, they’ll have to become cab drivers just like all the rest.

Oh, well, in that case
A man in India married a dog; but it’s not nearly as creepy as it sounds, the guy in India who married the dog? All the romantic stuff is being outsourced to a Labrador retriever.

We kid the French
France is facing a massive nationwide work strike; you know the hardest part about a work strike in France? Distinguishing the strike from the rest of the time the French don’t work.

If only
The Army has spent well over two billion dollars on a helicopter with one single design flaw: It crashes in hot weather. If only they could figure out a way to rig a huge fan to the top of it.

Scary
The San Diego Charger’s run defense faces a scary set of backs in the Jacksonville Jaguars’ Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew. How scary? Taylor and Jones-Drew are scarier than passing out and waking up next to the winner of an “Ugly Betty” look-alike contest.


Annoying
The Jacksonville Jaguar’s Fred Taylor became the fastest runner in the NFL to reach the 10,000 yard mark. The Jag’s running game is more annoying to opponents than people who pronounce Jaguar with three syllables.



Yah, sure, yabetchyah
The US women’s soccer team has appointed a head coach from Sweden, Pia Sundhage. There will be a period of adjustment for the American girls with the Swedish coach; like when she says they will begin calisthenics with twenty-five yumping yacks followed by ten minutes of yuggling the ball with their feet.

Again, oui kid the French
1-9 Notre Dame has surrendered so much yardage so easily to opponents, but, honestly, what can you really expect from a team with a French name?

Ouch
“The Times of London” reports that Michael Jordan's divorce will cost him $168 million when it becomes final in the next few weeks. The only good news for Michael? Sir Paul McCartney will soon name Jordan an honorary Beatle.

Get wit it ‘til you hit it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Weighty
Researchers now believe the universe weighs 20% to 30 % less than they thought. This means, if this trend keeps up, in a few years, Americans are going to weigh more than the universe.


Phony
Katie Holmes ran the New York Marathon and upon finishing was kissed by her husband, Tom Cruise; Now it is being suggested that Holmes faked the whole thing. And besides her marriage, she didn’t run either.

Tipless
Hillary Clinton's campaign denied Thursday that she and her staffers failed to tip a waitress at a restaurant in Iowa last month. The waitress said that it didn’t qualify as a tip when Hillary told her to always, always go with pants suits.

Oh, well in that case
A man in India married a dog; this marital precedent upset US conservatives until they discovered that the man and the dog were not the same sex.

Wee, wee
France is facing a massive transportation strike; as a result, France could be in a totally unproductive and utterly useless state. You know, just like normal.