Thursday, May 29, 2008

Ah yes, ah yes, ah yes, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Aww, that’s sweet

Pete Wentz of "Fallout Boy" married Ashley Simpson. It was a touching ceremony, the couple lip-synched their own vows.

When will they learn to shut up?

Sharon Stone is in hot water for saying China’s earthquake was due to bad karma from mistreating Tibet; this brilliant political and spiritual insight is brought to you by an actress most famous for forgetting her underwear and forgetting to cross her legs.

You can call me Ray

Rachel Ray is in trouble for wearing a scarf in a commercial that resembles a scarf PLO terrorists wear; there may be something to it, have you heard of Rachel’s new recipe? Jihad Jelly rolls with Mullah Maple Syrup.

In space nobody can hear you poop

The toilet on the space station got plugged up. That has to be embarrassing. “Sam, I told you to lay off of all of those space food sticks.’

The toilet on the space station got plugged up. Houston, we have a do-do problem.

The toilet on the space station got plugged up. That’s one small step for man, one giant mess on the bottom of your space boot.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Snaps it back and hold it, baby one more time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Chick Flick in the Sticks
The movie “Sex and the City” opens in three days; I don’t want to say this is the ultimate chick flick, but I’m so excited I could just cry.

The movie “Sex and the City” opens in three days; I don’t want to say this is the ultimate chick flick, but after the film, guys will be able to get to second base on themselves.

The movie “Sex and the City” opens in three days; they are serous about this film, you have to leave your pagers, Blackberries, cell phones and your testicles at the door.

The movie “Sex and the City” opens in three days; women identify each other by the characters, witty hip women are Carrie, sweet, sensitive women are Charlotte, if you are an acerbic hard worker, you’re a Miranda, and if you’re a Samantha you need to get a shot for your STD.

A while back, a truck overturned in L.A. and spilled 14 tons of Oreo cookies; it was serious, they had to call in both the Willy Nelson and Snoop Dog tour buses.

Random spewings:

If you could root out the abscess that is the infection of our culture’s soul, the extraction would bare an uncanny resemblance to Dina Lohan.

One of my favorite baseball fan shots of all time was, of course, Wrigley Field where they caught two elderly nuns wearing a t-shirt over their nun frocks. It was the Kerry Wood t-shirt that proclaimed “We Got Wood.” Now either they were blissfully unaware of the double entendre, or these nuns had one hell of a sense of humor.

Kasey our older lab is worrying me. She is starting to look pretty old. And she is. She will be 14 this August 23, Maybe because it is spring and her fur is doing that chicken molting thing, but she paces around a lot and seems restless. When Kasey goes I am going to pull a Bojangles. “His dog up and died, he up and died, after twenty years he still grieves.”

If you want an election litmus test as to who are the real pain-in-the-ass posers who are just looking for a chance for a cheap shot, it is the yammering helmets who are trying to make a big deal out of Barack Obama mixing up his uncle’s liberation of Buchenwald with Auschwitz. What tools.

The best part of the New York Yankees slugger Jason Giambi admitting he wears a gold tiger striped thong and his teammates share it? Suddenly the pain of being picked last for elementary school baseball isn’t quite as sharp. Maybe I can’t field right or execute a hit and run, but I also don’t, nor have I ever, nor will I ever, wear a thong.

The Chicago Cubs are looking pretty damn good. Not to mention my Lou Piniella imitation is getting pretty close to dead on. You gotta repeat that lip smack thing, talk real slow with a high voice and a slight drawl with many dramatic pauses while bearing an expression that looks like you are remembering an unpleasant dining experience.

Is it just this area or are all drivers turning into butt-munching manic a-holes? Swear to god, when I drive around now I sound like somebody with Tourette Syndrome.

My favorite move by these d-bags is when you are attempting to change lanes, the blinker is on and you have room. But when you go to merge, you see that the person behind has just sped up to cut you off just to get ahead of you, nearly causing you to miss your turn or off ramp. Or even better are the ones who speed up to cut you off only to slow to a stop in front of you because they are turning but you aren’t.

It is uncanny how many times I have seen two motorists in San Diego continue to speed up to cut off the person trying to get off the freeway by the person trying to get on. They both want to be where the other one is but instead of letting one or the other go, they have to be ahead and then they both miss their exit .

And let’s hear it for the all-self-consumed, inconsiderate, clueless douche bags who make you sit and wait at a stop sign for them to pass only to have them pull up and turn on your street without using their blinker. Don’t you just love the look of wonder and shock on their face when they see you are screaming; “Go givl* yourself you thoughtless [tovl*” at them? They have no clue.

(* keys to the right of what I mean on the keyboard)

As of July it is against the law to talk on a hand held cell phone while driving. Mark my words, when I see the first person pulled over and getting a ticket for that, I am going to stop and do a chicken dance celebration in circles around them.

No lie, the frickin’ chicken dance.

If you ask me, and, believe me, nobody did, there is no chance Barack will pick Hillary as his running mate. Barack would rather ask that crazy-ass preacher, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, then have to deal with Hillary and Bill.

Besides, it would be suicide for the democrats. The growing surge of Independents tired of the shrieking of the far left and far right, will win this election.

Right now the Independents have two legitimate choices, Barack and McCain. If Barack adds the poster child of the shrill left, he would be handing the election to McCain.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Happy 16th Birthday to the wonderful and the only teenage girl "ALBB" regular reader, Miss Julia "Miss J. Voodschteps" Woods.
Word from out on the street is that you better get out from standing in the middle of the street, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh goody
The movie “Sex and the City” opens in three days; I’m so excited my womb hurts.

Don’t mention it
Travel experts agree that the price of gas was so high this weekend millions of people didn’t drive anywhere. You know guys are going to run with this: “No, I am not just sitting in my underwear watching the game, I’ll have you know I am fighting the greedy oil companies, thank you.”

Not all are experts
Some Los Angeles Lakers celebrity fans are more knowledgeable than others. Jack Nicholson shouts advice on how to run the triangle offense. Jessica Simpson shouts for the players to block the free throws. “They’re just standing there letting him shoot, stop that sweaty tall person.”

Another sex video of Paris Hilton has surfaced this time it shows Paris having sex in a bathtub; you think that’s wild? The bathtub is in a Home Depot show room display.

Not good
Mexico’s crime, drug problems and murder rates and official corruption scandals are astronomical; it’s so bad it’s almost like Bush is Mexico’s president too.

Rumor has it
I don’t want to say that “Sex and the City” is the ultimate chick flick, but there are reports of men emerging from screenings and suddenly getting their period.

First clue
Police in Arizona found a portable meth lab in a church; authorities became suspicious when the title of their last sermon was “Tweakin’ with the Deacon.”

A little help from his friend
“Indiana Jones” was the #1 movie this weekend. You can tell Indy is getting up there, let’s just say that now Indy needs a little Viagra to get his whip cracking.

Who knew?
There is a new Paris Hilton sex tape that features Paris Hilton taking a bath; that is shocking, Paris Hilton has taken a bath? When did that happen?

What were they thinking?
A German couple was arrested after they tried to sell their baby on E-Bay for one Euro, $1.56; that is ridiculous, why Brad and Angelina alone would pay ten times that

Oui kid
There is a new Paris Hilton sex tape that features Paris Hilton taking a bath; that’s wild, you usually don’t find the words Paris connected with bath.

Not since then
Danica Patrick had to be restrained from attacking, Ryan Briscoe, who knocked Patrick out of the Indianapolis 500 while coming out of the pit. That’s the maddest any woman has been after a crash since Britney Spears crashed into a parked car and spilled her Lucky Lager.

Danica Patrick had to be restrained from attacking, Ryan Briscoe, who knocked Patrick out of the Indianapolis 500 while coming out of the pit. That could have been a rough day for Briscoe, first crashing a woman out of the race and then getting beaten up by a 5ft, 98 pound hot brunette babe.

Since you asked, “Just kidding, dear” version:
And then there is the story of the poor schlub who spent $150 to be miserable on the golf course: his back went out on the first swing, he and his pal were paired with a quarreling and annoying couple who couldn’t hit a ball to save their lives, it was hot, sticky and he played the worst he has ever played. Not only that but he had to fight tooth and nail with his wife to go.

So when he gets home he is tired, thirsty and cranky as hell, so he plops in front of the TV and barks to his wife;

“Get me a beer before it starts.” (See, they lose me here. Virg would never get me a beer)

More than a little peeved, she does what he says. He downs the beer and barks;

“Get me another beer before it starts.”

This time she got the beer and was far more animated in showing her irritation and throws the can at him. He opens it and downs it and barks;

“Get me another beer before it starts.”

“That’s enough,” she yells, “you’ve just downed two, you drunken slob. And if you think I am going to let you play golf all day and then get drunk watching TV, you have another guess coming. You promised me you would clean out the garage and wash the cars. And another thing, you said tonight we were going out . . ‘

He sighs, shakes his head and says;

“It’s started.”

(Can I get a righteous hey now for my Broheims who had this grenade go off a little too close to the fox hole?)

P.S. San Diegans, speaking of fox holes, just so you know, my buddy Diego Voodschteps would rather be with a Green Bay Packer fan in a foxhole than us.

Just so you know.