Attention Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers. From now on you can call me Vin Diesel.

The two most talked about people in the news these days are Anna Nicole Smith and 600-home run hitter, San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds. One is overly be-jeweled with artificially large breasts, and the other is Anna Nicole.

When Barry Bonds reached home plate after his 600th home run, he pointed his fingers skyward in a “thank you” gesture. Apparently his steroid supplier was up above flying out of town.

It always amuses me when athletes credit god for aiding their accomplishments. They honest to goodness believe God is thinking; “Ahh, forget that Middle East suicide bomber stuff, I am going to help Barry Bonds jerk one out today.” San Franicisco Giant Barry Bonds hit his 600 home run. Not to put too fine a point on it, but if Roger Maris’s single season home run record had an asterisk by it, Barry Bonds 600 home runs should have a syringe next to it.

Britney Spears announced she is taking six months off from performing. Poor thing, her lips must be exhausted from all that synching.

Hollywood screenwriter Joe Eszterhas apologized in a letter to the New York Times for glamorizing smoking in his films. Smoking we might forgive, that only causes emphysema and cancer. But, Joe, writing “Showgirls”? That is unforgivable. In case you don’t remember him, Joe Eszterhas is the guy who looks like Santa Claus after a five day drinking binge.

Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers on a runaway American dream"

Apologies to the Boss.

Rumor has it they might make a movie out of “The Anna Nicole Show” The working title is: “Dude, Where’s Her Pride?” Or maybe: “Dude, Where’s Her Chin?”

In New Orleans, ten people on a private tour, fell into a shark tank when their platform collapsed. Nobody was hurt, luckily it was a tour of lawyers, so the sharks extended professional courtesy.

In a T.V. speech, Saddam Hussein said a U.S. invasion of Iraq would fail. What else is he going to say, the truth? “Yep, I think they are going to come here and seriously kick our ass.”

Anheuser-Busch is giving $5 million to the University of California at Davis for an on-campus facility that will study alcohol. In a connected story, twenty American West pilots took a leave of absence to get their masters degree at U.C. Davis. Now if they could get the makers of Trojans to donate $5 million dollars for the study of condom use, they could get Bill Clinton as a guest professor.

The International Monetary Fund will bail out Brazil with a $30 billion loan it probably won’t ever pay back. And in a related story, K-Mart just declared itself a country.

Baseball players ended decades of opposition to mandatory drug testing agreeing to be checked for illegal steroids starting next year. In a related story, Barry Bonds announced his retirement affective next year.

“The Anna Nicole Show” is labeled a reality TV show. Anna Nicole Smith is to reality what Keith Richards is to fitness.

OK, so, if you are a regular ALBB reader these days, (and I am sure you are not) you asking me, Lex, what did Anna Nicole ever do to you? Are you kidding me? Have you seen the show? She is a national embarrassment of record preportions, and I mean that on several levels. If she was a dog, we would put her down. She is doing this to all of us. Sure, I may be particularly p.o.'d at "Reality TV" as a struggling comedy writer, but give us a break.

By the way. There is no such thing as Reality TV. The two words are mutually exclusive. Just ask the folks who film skateboarders and snowboaders. In the words of Ski movie mogul Warren Miller: "Whip out a camera, and I.Q.'s plummet." Simply by putting people on camera - and this doesn't include hidden cameras - people act goofy. Have you ever seen "Jay Walking?" No way those people are that stupid in real life. What country borders the U.S. to the south? The guy answers South America? What country borders us to the North? Same guy answers North America? Uh uh.

No, these folks are, A) Trying to be funny, or entertaining, and B) They are nervous out of their wits. Scared and trying to be funny is an ugly combination. Just ask anyone who has been to a comedy club open mike night. I once called a local radio station to tell them a joke I have told a billion times in front of a billion people. They put me on hold, and I was so nervous I was shaking and I had to hang up. Why? That is the effect that massive media coverage has on people who are not used to it. Suddenly I pictured hundreds of thousands of people by the radio thinking; "Lord help that guy, he is an idiot."

So by sticking a camera in front of people, it is, by definition, no longer "reality." I am not sure what it is, but it ain't reality, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Have a great night, all you Cosmic Rodeo Clowns. And you know I mean that in a nice way. Ooops, my Chicago Cubs are on. Got to go see who they are going to choke to next. Oh, great. The San Francisco Giants and Mr. World Class 'Roided-Out Jerk, Barry Bonds on his 599th homer. Perfect, he will ding one out against the poor Cubbies. Where is the love, folks? Where is the justice? If a jerk like Bonds hits his 600th against the Cub, for us long-suffering Cub fans, that would be like being heavily invested in this disastor of a stock market only to find your broker is also doinking your wife. Insult to injury does not do it justice.

Toodles and Snookums, Monkey Stinkers.

Well, snatch me bald-headed, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Critics who warned against the danger of reality television actually lowering our culture and our standards have been proven right in just four words: “The Anna Nicole Show.” Have you seen “The Anna Nicole Show”? She is morbidly obese, she is doped up to the point of staggering and slurring her words. If this were a nature show, she would have to be put to sleep.

“The Anna Nicole Show” is labeled a reality TV show. Anna Nicole Smith is to reality what Ozzie Osbourne is to physical fitness. Her boobs are fake, her hair is dyed, her brain is fried. Marge Simpson is closer to reality than Anna Nicole Smith. You know what reality show I would like to see? I would like to see some Aryan skin-head watch an entire; “The Anna Nicole Show” and then try and defend white supremacy.“The Anna Nicole Show” is pretty much documented evidence that white supremacy is wrong.

If Adolf Hitler had watched “The Anna Nicole Show”, his book “Mein Kampf” would have consisted of two words: Never mind.

Today, Mike Piazza held a press conference to announce he did not bet on Olympic Ice Dancing.

Barry Bonds hit his 599th home run. Or as Arthur Anderson has his total: 732.

The U.S. Attorney will seek an indictment of NBA star Chris Webber for lying to a federal grand jury about taking money from a booster. And after taking the money, Weber allegedly threw the booster out of his house naked.

A New Jersey little league coach was suspended for asking his players to throw a game. It turns out he parlayed the money he won on Ice Dancing and tried to bet it on the little league game.

Texas Rangers pitcher John Rocker has been hit with controversy once again for allegedly calling a gay couple at a Dallas restaurant "fruitcakes." Rocker was having dinner with his girlfriend, I’m guessing not after a Mensa meeting.

Anheuser-Busch is giving $5 million to the University of California at Davis for an on-campus facility that will study alcohol. In a related story, Ted Kennedy has announced he is going back to school for his Masters degree.Don’t they already have on campus facilities that study alcohol? They are called Fraternities.Man, where was this when I was in school? I could have done my doctoral thesis on alcohol and it’s effect on sorority girls.

Did you hear the about the successful operation to separate the twins? But enough about Anna Nicole’s breast reduction . . .

Investigators in the ImClone stock scandal have given Martha Stewart a deadline to provide records. To which Martha replied that it is rude to demand a deadline, and that they should allow guests a more flexible arrival time.Stewart said she will be happy to present her records as soon as she is done drying and pasting flowers on the cover.

Doctors were able to separate the conjoined-at-the-head twins without damaging their brains. In fact, the surgery went so well, they are now going to operate to see if Anna Nicole Smith has a brain.

Well, by cracky, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, hang on to your wigs and keys.

The stock market soared back today over three hundred points. But many stock analysts are still worried. I swear, some company could discover the cure for cancer, and these stock analysts would complain about the negative impact on the funeral industry.

On a sad note, legendary Los Angeles Laker announcer Chick Hearn passed. He invented the term air ball. Sure, the Los Angeles Clippers perfected the air ball, but Chick invented the term.

President Bush entered a Maryland hospital for his annual physical. It was kind of embarrassing when they informed Bush of his annual physical, he objected; “But didn’t they just check my annual during that colon procedure?”

The NFL preseason is underway. You know how they abbreviate team names? The Green Bay Packers are the Pack, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are the Bucs. Good thing they don’t do that with the Tennessee Titans.

Surgeons separated 1-year-old Guatemalan twins joined at the head, a risky procedure that took about 20 hours to complete, a doctor told NBC's ``Today'' show today. That’s great news for the parents, except on their birthday and Christmas. Now they have to buy them twice as many gifts.

The Walt Disney Co. has a nearly $1.5 million deal for the rights to the personal stories of the nine Pennsylvania miners whose miraculous rescue riveted the nation. When asked to comment, President Bush replied, “Disney is a good choice. They make good cartoons for minors.”

It is painful to watch “The Anna Nicole Show.” Throughout the show, a morbidly obese Smith is seen shuffling around, stuffing her face, she slurs her words, and generally acts bizarre. If this was a nature show, they would have to put her down. In their ads they say “The Anna Nicole Show, ” entertaining, yes, educational, no. Well, I’m not sure about that. Kids, if you want to see the difference between laughing with someone, and laughing at someone, “The Anna Nicole Show” an object lesson of the latter.

Texas Rangers pitcher John Rocker has been hit with controversy once again for allegedly calling a gay couple at a Dallas restaurant "fruitcakes." In New York, Mike Piazza held a press conference to announce he has never ordered, nor eaten a fruitcake.

The New England Patriots announced a deal that will name their new field Gillette Stadium. The good news for the Pats is that it will help finance the $325 mil project. The bad news is that, due to the Gillette deal, the NFL will closely scrutinize the Patriots for point-shaving.

Greetings Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

How about those people who were trapped in a deep hole in the ground? But enough about stock holders, how about those minors?

There was an embarrassing moment when President Bush met with the Pennsylvania minors. He was shocked to discover that they were all over 18.

The Walt Disney Co. has a nearly $1.5 million deal for the rights to the personal stories of the nine Pennsylvania miners whose miraculous rescue riveted the nation. When asked to comment, President Bush replied, “Disney is a good choice. They make good cartoons for minors.” President Bush, as you may know, is vacationing this month in Texas. And why the heck not? Saddam has been kicked out, the al Quida and Osama have been caught and the stock market and the economy are doing just great. No? Well, there is that other stuff he did . . .

I can hardly wait for the next “The Anna Nicole Show.” The good news is that Anna hooks up with a hot date. The bad news: she meets him at her family reunion. The only good news for E’s “The Anna Nicole Show” is that TV Guide had already listed the worst TV shows in history before it aired. A review in “Entertainment Weekly” described “The Anna Nicole Smith Show” as “an obscene train wreck.” Amtrak then objected to that description as an insult to their train wrecks.

During the first “The Anna Nicole Smith Show” Anna Nicole slurred her words. So she is either wasted, or they used Ozzy Osbourne’s voice coach. It is painful to watch “The Anna Nicole Show.” Throughout the show, a morbidly obese Smith is seen stuffing her face, she slurs her words, and generally acts truly bizarre. If she was an animal, they would have to put her down.

President Bush agreed to be interviewed on CBS’s “Sixty Minutes.” Bush was pressed for time so he only had one question: “How long is the show?”

The latest trend for brides-to-be is secondary virginity. They cut off sex from the husband-to-be for months before the wedding. And women wonder why guys don’t commit.

The story is a Russian mobster arranged a vote swap to fix the Olympic ice dancing. If this is true, that only leaves synchronized swimming as the only legitimate gay sport. Next thing you know they will accuse pro wrestling of being staged.

A report says five agencies under Justice Department jurisdiction, including the FBI, have reported 775 missing or stolen weapons and 400 missing laptop computers. No wonder the FBI can’t ever get any information, somebody stole their computers.This is going to restore faith in the F.B.I. “Go out and arrest those criminals from the list I emailed you.” “I can’t, they stole my computer and my gun.” Hell, even Barney Fife could hang on to his pistol and that one bullet.